Wednesday, March 27, 2013

A Sad Failed Adoption Story

The other day I heard of a sad failed adoption story that happened a few decades ago. A girl and her brother were raised in an orphanage (I'm not going to write the country here, but if you want to ask me personally via email, go ahead). I don't know if they lost their parents or something, but the both of them were there in the same orphanage anyway. A married couple then came over to get to know them with the intention of adopting them. They came many times over the course of many years and each time they visited the kids, they always brought goodies and gifts. They even sent letters to the kids and the kids had already called them "papa" and "mama" during their visits. 

One time the caretaker (or dunno who) asked each of the kids if they wanted to be adopted by the couple. However, before they could give their answers, they were told to think VEEERRRYYYY carefully before deciding. The person who asked them to consider told them that it was possible that the couple only wanted to adopt them to get benefits from the government. Long story short, even though the kids probably wanted to be adopted by the couple, they finally said no. And they didn't hear anything anymore from the couple. No letters, no visits, nothing.

One day, though, the girl sneaked into the office of the orphanage (a place where she wasn't supposed to get into) and while rummaging around the place, she found a pile of letters from the same couple who had wanted to adopt her and her brother. Apparently the couple were still writing them letters even after they had said no. But the officials of the orphanage had hidden the letters from the kids. 

My heart just broke when I heard the story. I don't really know much about adoption processes except from a few articles that I've read and I suppose in the past it may be different than nowadays and it may differ in different countries, but the bottom line is that I can't erase the image of the girl finding the stack of letters years's etched in my brain and I just can't imagine what she must've felt at that time...and on the other side of the story, the couple themselves have no idea what had happened...

Anyway, on a different track, let me share this lovely video that I accidentally found: 

Friday, March 15, 2013

Life vs Death

After reading this post and Mali's comment, I began to think of my own experiences. 

Here is what Mali wrote:

"Yes – I find that some pregnancies hurt, and some don’t bother me at all. And it’s not always the way I expect it – pregnancy announcements I thought would be painful were not, and those I thought I’d breeze through hit hard, and yes, hurt."

I can totally relate to that, because in the past there were some announcements*** that didn't really affect me much, but there were some that unexpectedly just made me "double over in pain". I wondered what made me do that, because I was happy for the one(s) who shared the good news. 

Additional note: I think the announcements may not just be limited to pregnancy announcements, but also milestones (a child's graduation, a child's wedding day, a friend's announcing that he/she's gonna be a grandparent, etc.) - but whatever the announcement is, it's the celebration of life. 

In the beginning when we were still TTC I felt totally jealous/envious because I still wished I could have my own babies, but nowadays (when we're no longer expecting children in our future) it's more like their "life" news (the news about the new life that will be brought to earth) reminds me of "death". The death of our dream. Some "life" news stories hit hard because all of a sudden I can see the remnants of our dead dream right in front of me and that's not something I wish to see, but I can't deny what I see on those occasions and so I have to deal with the loss all over again (letting it go once more) so that I can continue to move on with my life (not just stopping/standing on the spot while staring at those remnants).

It's probably the opposite of some news of death that reminds us how precious our life is. Some news of death can be so staggering and jarring that they just stop us in our track to remind us of the most important things on earth. Some news of death reminds us of the fragility of life so much so that it may even shift/change our perspective and goals. 

Now I begin to understand more why "total healing" is impossible for someone like me because of the life/death situation I mentioned here (just like it's impossible to "avoid" news of death), but then again if learning to let go over and over again will help me get even better in that area (read: making it easier for me to let go of things I can't change/get in the future), then so be it!

Additional note (added on Sat, March 16-03-2013): I just want anyone who read this post to know that I did NOT write this post from a place of pain. It was my effort in trying to think logically as to why some pain may still appear in the future despite the fact that we've given up on kids. I want to be realistic. I want to figure out what I felt and why I felt a certain way and what has changed in the way I think/feel about things.

There has been A LOT of healing in my world after infertility and as what Mali and Wolfers said below in the comment section, the pain is MUCH less than before as time goes by (and as I learn more and more to let go over and over and over again - I think even if so much time passes by, if we don't learn to let go over and over again, it still won't bring more and more healing) and nowadays I experience less tumultuous/chaotic whirlwind of emotions compared to what I had experience in the past when I was still harboring some hope of becoming pregnant.