tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3892171806899998522012-02-16T11:45:31.546+02:00The sanctuary of a woman facing reproductive challenges who just wants to write down all the turmoil and the mess inside her, hoping to understand the land of IF...Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.comBlogger711100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-74542600495474519292012-01-30T15:25:00.002+02:002012-01-30T15:27:52.275+02:00<span style="font-family: verdana;">Lately I've been thinking about blessings and how sometimes when someone says "I'm blessed" in specific ways that we are deprived of, it may make us feel that they have earned the blessings and that we aren't doing something good enough to make us earn those blessings. And vice versa...<br /><br />Today a light bulb flicked in my head and I created this using a pic I took a few years ago:<br /><br /></span><br /><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7kgImrdIZG0/TyaaVWtAIsI/AAAAAAAAFqM/MVkKabal6to/s1600/Blessedkcl.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 387px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7kgImrdIZG0/TyaaVWtAIsI/AAAAAAAAFqM/MVkKabal6to/s400/Blessedkcl.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5703415669773574850" border="0" /></a><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-7454260049547451929?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-15187297577293709852012-01-27T12:39:00.004+02:002012-01-27T12:42:50.637+02:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">*cross-posted with my other blog*<br /><br />The other day at work an old lady came to pay for her groceries, but she said to me that she didn't want the milk carton that she took 'coz she had taken the wrong one. Mind you that the milk section was at the back of the store, so I told her to just leave it at the cashier so that I could return it to the original place later on.<br /><br />After serving a few more customers, there was nobody in line, so I took the milk carton and ran to the back of the store 'coz I didn't want the next customers to wait too long for me to get back. While running on the fourth aisle with the milk carton in my hand, I spotted a little girl in the middle. She was standing there in the middle of the aisle, halfway between me and where the rest of the milk was at the back of the store.<br /><br />We locked our gaze at one point and we realized who it was we were looking at. She's this little girl who's been really friendly to me ever since we met at the store 1,5 years ago. Her parents are also very friendly and she has a little sister. At that time, her parents and little sister were near the milk section.<br /><br />Anyway, when the little girl saw me, she smiled so widely and started <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 255);">RUNNING</span> towards me with arms wide open...In my hurry, I couldn't break her heart. She probably thought that I was running towards her!!! (FYI: She did this once when they were at the store and she saw me from afar) So when we were close to each other, I stopped, knelt down, and <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 255);">gave her a hug</span>.<br /><br />I was a bit worried what her parents might think of me hugging her, but from the side of my eyes, I could see them turning around at us and laughing. Phew!!! <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 255);">S</span><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 255);">he really made my day that day!</span> :-D Before then, all we had ever exchanged were words and smiles and occasionally I gave them some candies he he...<br /><br />Anyhow, here are some photos I took with my mobile camera (not such good quality), but anyway...<br /><br /><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_nRMjnpPMAU/TyJ8e8SCozI/AAAAAAAAFpo/XQYJNZORvs4/s1600/423938_10150613729112392_726672391_10854427_1986220675_n.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_nRMjnpPMAU/TyJ8e8SCozI/AAAAAAAAFpo/XQYJNZORvs4/s400/423938_10150613729112392_726672391_10854427_1986220675_n.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5702256949224186674" border="0" /></a><br />2nd pic: <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 255);">The sun</span> peeping from behind the trees at around 2.30 pm yesterday. Felt marvelous to be able to see it again after such a long time!<br /><br /><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9oBpBZPLJF0/TyJ8ddbvADI/AAAAAAAAFpc/plUfjjYJE8s/s1600/425998_10150613728462392_726672391_10854425_314131908_n.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9oBpBZPLJF0/TyJ8ddbvADI/AAAAAAAAFpc/plUfjjYJE8s/s400/425998_10150613728462392_726672391_10854425_314131908_n.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5702256923763474482" border="0" /></a><br />3rd pic: The back of a hotel in Sodankylä.<br /><br /><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_vUEbHUEUyA/TyJ8dHHmkwI/AAAAAAAAFpQ/UIFLHoePh0g/s1600/406977_10150613726457392_726672391_10854419_1481447809_n.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_vUEbHUEUyA/TyJ8dHHmkwI/AAAAAAAAFpQ/UIFLHoePh0g/s400/406977_10150613726457392_726672391_10854419_1481447809_n.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5702256917773456130" border="0" /></a><br />4th pic: Very light pinkish sky.<br /><br /><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-seavhwOcfTU/TyJ8fQDvPqI/AAAAAAAAFp4/T37jymhq8m4/s1600/418307_10150613729567392_726672391_10854428_1285748736_n.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-seavhwOcfTU/TyJ8fQDvPqI/AAAAAAAAFp4/T37jymhq8m4/s400/418307_10150613729567392_726672391_10854428_1285748736_n.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5702256954532904610" border="0" /></a><br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-1518729757729370985?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-49557969735938928692012-01-23T19:38:00.002+02:002012-01-23T19:40:23.695+02:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">Found it here: <a href="http://christine-livepassionately.blogspot.com/">Live Passionately</a><br /><br /><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hsLCKdbGJSk/Tx2bP-agQoI/AAAAAAAAFpA/uAn5ufexics/s1600/Untitled.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 243px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hsLCKdbGJSk/Tx2bP-agQoI/AAAAAAAAFpA/uAn5ufexics/s400/Untitled.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5700883402075423362" border="0" /></a><br />When I read it, I smiled so widely 'coz I felt that it really fit IFers in a special way! :-D<br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-4955796973593892869?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-57282856620192938812012-01-17T16:21:00.004+02:002012-01-17T16:23:22.942+02:00<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-weight: bold; font-family:verdana;font-size:180%;" >"Not every infertility story<br />ends happily with a baby.</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-family:verdana;font-size:180%;" >Some end pretty happily<br />without one." </span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-family:verdana;font-size:180%;" ><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:100%;" >- Jeanette DeMain</span></span><br /><br /><br style="font-family: verdana;"></div><p style="font-family: verdana;"></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">To read the whole post, go here: </span><a style="font-family: verdana;" href="http://open.salon.com/blog/jeanette_d/2011/08/10/quitting_childlessness">Quitting Childlessness</a><span style="font-family: verdana;">.</span><br /></p><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-5728285662019293881?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-9602205314973708052012-01-16T15:39:00.009+02:002012-01-17T12:45:09.796+02:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">The day after I received news about my Dad's death, I felt this urge to tell the whole world about it. One reason was probably 'coz it felt <span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204); font-weight: bold;">surreal</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);"> </span>to me. I mean, I didn't see his body and I wasn't there at the funeral home. I wasn't there at all to help out and my life here in Finland continued as if nothing had happened. I think telling the world (well, mostly through FB announcement) about it has helped me remember that my Dad no longer lives on earth.<br /><br />Another reason was probably because my world will never be the same anymore and I want other people to know that. Funny thing was that if I compared my grief with my <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">infertility grief</span>, I accepted my Dad's death much better than my infertility. First of all, I had had time to prepare for my Dad's death and also opportunities to let him know how much I appreciated him. Secondly, his death was a natural one and he didn't have to suffer long. Thirdly, other people readily acknowledged his death and my grief and thus I got the kind of warm support that I needed.<br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl.glitter-graphics.net/pub/213/213641rbngmzrw1e.jpg" width="229" border="0" height="198" /></a></span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:verdana;font-size:78%;" ><a href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></span><br /></div><span style="font-family:verdana;"><br />When tragedy strikes, it feels like your universe is going on a different pace and rhythm. You notice that there are cracks and perhaps even holes all around you. Your whole world has changed. Perhaps you've even stopped living your life though other people didn't even realize that. Anyhow, the trouble with infertility is that it's a disenfranchise grief and it took us by surprise (<span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">a hit below the belt</span> so to speak). When I first realized that (gasp!) we could be infertile, I felt that my whole universe started cracking...and then with each month appeared one hole after another, each with different size and depth.<br /><br />Then I also felt the urge to let the world know about the changes in our universe. It didn't help when I tried telling some people about them 'coz they made me feel like I was delusional. In their eyes, those cracks and holes were invisible. And the "wrong" things they said felt like they were poking the holes (making them bigger) or even ripping off the cracks, making me feel defensive or even angry. Or both.<br /><br />But at that time, I couldn't help feeling that I was really making such a big deal out of my <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">cracks and holes</span> 'coz if they are blind to them, there must be other invisible cracks and holes in other people's universes as well that I may have involuntarily poked and prodded and ripped off and that made me feel guilty for lashing out on them or for being defensive.<br /><br />However, this thought in turn made me feel angrier and frustrated 'coz I felt that I had no valid reason to be grieving in the first place. But then again I couldn't deny the grief that I felt. And the cycle of doom continued...<span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">Anger, jealousy, frustration, guilt, grief, sorrow, despair, self-hate, self-loathe, self-blame, doubt, depression</span>...you name it...one by one tumbling one after another and sometimes many of them bursting out all at once and becoming <span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204); font-weight: bold;">a concoction from hell</span>.<br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102);"><br /></span><span style="font-family:verdana;">To be fair, there were some people who did acknowledge there were holes and cracks, but more often than not the things they said made me feel like they were suggesting <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">band-Aids</span> to cover them up to "heal" my universe. After some time, I felt like giving up in "educating" the world about our universe and what it may entail. (FYI, every once in a while I still try to do this, but not with the same concoction from hell like before).<br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl4.glitter-graphics.net/pub/941/941194crj1qj5hum.gif" width="100" border="0" height="70" /></a></span><br /></div><span style="font-family:verdana;"><br />What helped the most was probably <span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204); font-weight: bold;">surrendering</span> ourselves to a <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">future without kids</span> (thanks to all the prayers - I specifically asked some friends to pray The Serenity Prayer for us).<br /><br />Our universe will never be the same, but we've stopped focusing on the cracks and holes and focusing more on looking at each other and trying to find ways to make each other happy and spending time together. We try our best to cherish every moment 'coz nobody knows when death is coming to get us...what would be <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">the sweetest ending</span> for our story is if God chooses to take us from earth together at the same time. :-D<br /><br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl.glitter-graphics.net/pub/252/252981nkon0slvoc.jpg" width="385" border="0" height="600" /></a></span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:verdana;font-size:78%;" ><a href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></span><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-960220531497370805?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-14989049272601878552012-01-08T15:50:00.002+02:002012-01-08T15:54:25.273+02:00<span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);font-family:verdana;" >*cross-posted with my other blog*</span><br style="font-family:verdana;"><br style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-family:verdana;">Yesterday I finished work and I was tempted to check my mobile. I've been working for 1,5 years now and I could count with one hand how many times I checked my mobile right after work (before coming home, I mean). There were 4 messages from my bro and Mom.</span><br style="font-family:verdana;"><br style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-family:verdana;">The first one told me that Dad was screaming in pain earlier today in Indo and that they took him to the emergency room at a hospital. Then the other messages was about his passing about two hours after they took him to the hospital.</span><br style="font-family:verdana;"><br style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-family:verdana;">Actually when they arrived at the hospital, there was no pulse, but they managed to "revive" him. It happened a few times and finally the doctor said that he checked Dad's pupils and they showed no brain activity, so he wouldn't recommend keeping him alive with the machine, but he said it was all up to the family. In the end he went anyway in peace. He died of a heart attack.</span><br style="font-family:verdana;"><br style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102);"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl.glitter-graphics.net/pub/301/301881lh2ryfr8yf.jpg" width="170" border="0" height="151" /></a></span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102); font-style: italic;font-size:78%;" ><a href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></span><br /></div><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102);"></span></span><br style="font-family:verdana;"><br style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-family:verdana;">The first thing I felt (probably simultaneously as the shock wave) was <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 255, 255);">a HUGE wave of relief </span>that Dad didn't have to suffer long before God took him away. Then started the tears. I had to lock myself in the toilet and let out what I needed to let out while replying to the messages. After I could control myself somewhat and dabbed my eyes with water and tissue to make sure they didn't look too weird, I went out, did a little shopping, and went home.</span><br style="font-family:verdana;"><br style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-family:verdana;">When I got back home, R2 greeted me and I told him what happened, then he held me tightly. He patted my back and held me tightly...more tears coming...We spent so much time in each other's arms while I retold him what I had heard from my SIL about what had happened.</span><br style="font-family:verdana;"><br style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-family:verdana;">It's really weird what I've been feeling after I heard the news...<span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 255, 255);">relief, grief, joy </span>(because he can't feel any more pain now), <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 255, 255);">a tad melancholy and longing</span>. All the wonderful memories flashing back. He's my dad and I'm honoured to be his daughter. We might not always see eye to eye, but his legacy will live on through me and my brother.</span><br style="font-family:verdana;"><br style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-family:verdana;">I have no regrets nor guilt about anything, though. The last time I spoke to him on the phone was a day before his 69th birthday on Dec 27th, 2011 (I couldn't call him on his birthday 'coz I had an evening shift) and that was the only time I had the guts to verbally tell him my appreciation and how he had made a difference in my life. Before that time, I chickened out and I could only tell him how I felt in a lengthy email. I didn't know what made me say those things to him on the phone that day, but now I'm even more glad I did it.</span><br style="font-family:verdana;"><br style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-family:verdana;">Anyway, <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 255, 255);">rest in peace, dear Dad</span>. You're probably enjoying yourself up there, though. Can't wait to see you there again. Until we meet again...</span><br style="font-family:verdana;"><br style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-family:verdana;">P.S. The below pic was taken on his birthday a few years ago.</span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102);"><br /><br /><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_qDjDZY80v0/TwiD-o0A1QI/AAAAAAAAFms/JiuO4kg0Cas/s1600/IMG_0550_resize.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_qDjDZY80v0/TwiD-o0A1QI/AAAAAAAAFms/JiuO4kg0Cas/s400/IMG_0550_resize.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5694946840940696834" border="0" /></a></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-1498904927260187855?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-12219311834886825802011-12-25T22:54:00.005+02:002011-12-25T23:19:07.611+02:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">Spent the night at my MIL's place. Had a <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 255, 255);">lovely, peaceful Christmas</span>. BIL and SIL came over for a few hours. We had the Finnish traditional Christmas food then played cards, but then BIL went with SIL to celebrate Christmas with SIL's family. We continued playing cards just the three of us while watching Funniest Home Videos on TV.<br /><br />At one point the announcer said, "This woman will soon get the best Christmas gift ever!" while the screen showed an older woman opening a Christmas gift. Not long after that, she screamed to a younger woman (probably her daughter), "You're PREGNANT?!?!?!?!?! REALLY?!?!?!?!"<br /><br />She jumped to her feet, hugged the younger woman, shrieked in joy some more, and the others also followed suit to congratulate her and her husband.<br /><br />That moment I felt <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 255, 255);">robbed</span> of that kind of joy because I can't give that kind of joy to my mother or my MIL. No guilt involved, though. Just felt robbed of that opportunity. It makes me a tad tender inside. Good thing our Christmas rituals don't involve any kids (MIL's two grandsons are already big boys and they live too far away to spend Christmas together).<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Q3_nd-wk6jU/TvePxswcSLI/AAAAAAAAFmQ/Wu83qATdRtQ/s1600/PinkSky1.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 326px; height: 400px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Q3_nd-wk6jU/TvePxswcSLI/AAAAAAAAFmQ/Wu83qATdRtQ/s400/PinkSky1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5690174738196613298" border="0" /></a><br />Other than that, I <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 255, 255);">had a blast</span> tricking hubby again by disguising his gift. ;-D I packed lots of salmiac and candies into a big box plus a new Dean Koontz novel that I knew he hadn't bought yet (he's a big fan of Koontz). He had no idea that I had put a novel in between the candies. <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 255);">YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!</span><br /><br />Can't wait to spend New Year with MIL and hubby again. More card playing and laughing, that's for sure! Oh, and I got a gift card from hubby, so I just ordered <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 255);">Silent Sorority</span> and two other novels. Can't wait to read it!!! :-D<br /><br />P.S. Got a lovely surprise from a customer at work. He bought me a pot of pointsettia! Really thoughtful! <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 255, 255);">SO THANKFUL</span> for people like him on earth...<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-smnZ1sVgGUA/TvePx9cdGAI/AAAAAAAAFmc/uUBtbsW2h4Q/s1600/Blitz2.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 386px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-smnZ1sVgGUA/TvePx9cdGAI/AAAAAAAAFmc/uUBtbsW2h4Q/s400/Blitz2.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5690174742676183042" border="0" /></a><br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-1221931183488682580?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-46704901923706265712011-12-08T17:18:00.004+02:002011-12-08T17:23:59.354+02:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">I've been blessed beyond belief by Sara's post in her blog. Sara passed away a little while ago, but her words speak are really inspirational and I'm glad I can still reread them in her blog.<br /><br />Without further ado, hope you also enjoy Sara's post entitled "<span style="color: rgb(204, 255, 255); font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><a href="http://gitzengirl.blogspot.com/2009/01/it-not-about-me.html">It's Not About Me</a></span>". Even though it's non IF related, but I think it rings true for everybody who feels that life is unfair and I hope you're also blessed by the post.<br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl.glitter-graphics.net/pub/301/301881lh2ryfr8yf.jpg" border="0" height="151" width="170" /></a></span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:verdana;font-size:78%;" ><a href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></span><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-4670490192370626571?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-44921661107916365972011-12-05T17:14:00.003+02:002011-12-05T19:04:29.675+02:00<span style=" color: rgb(204, 204, 255); font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;font-family:verdana;" >* cross-posted with my non-IF blog *</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Spent the night at MIL's house 'coz R2 had to go to Rovaniemi for 2 days, so after work on Saturday I went straight there. We played cards, had sauna, and we had some <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 255);">serious talk</span> as well about different topics.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">All of a sudden she started talking about the past and FIL then started <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 255);">crying</span>. And she made my eyes wet as well. After spending so much time taking care of the kids, farm, cows, her own mother and then her own in-laws, she had wanted to enjoy the rest of her life with her hubby.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Now that my FIL has been taken to an old people's house (his Alzheimer has gotten even worse), she can't even enjoy that luxury anymore. Not that she doesn't want to. She said that she was still thinking if she could still take him back home, but she can't do it on her own and she can't afford having someone to live with them to help her take care of him. You see, the other week she visited FIL and then FIL said that he felt like he was <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 255);">nothing, a nobody</span>. I almost wished that he would lose more consciousness so that he wouldn't think about anything like this anymore, you know? But then I wonder if that's such a great wish...sigh...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Anyway, MIL sprained her arm and then last week she sprained her leg and she realized that she had to accept <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 255);">reality</span>. Due to the arm and leg sprains, she hadn't been out for a few days and when we visited FIL yesterday (together with R2), the nurse said that he had eaten very little that day. Both the nurse and MIL were wondering if he didn't want to eat properly 'coz of longing. MIL brought some bread and homemade salted salmon filet, bananas, and also yoghurt and so we waited for FIL to eat them all (he could still hold bread and bananas himself, but MIL fed him the yoghurt). And he did eat them all with gusto, I must say.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Then MIL told FIL that she had to go for almost a week to Rovaniemi 'coz they have this program for the elderly that offers exercise program and it's good for her to be able to join this kind of activity. And after FIL heard that, his eyes went wet and I almost wanted to cry...I left the room to give MIL and FIL some time for themselves and R2 also left the room, as well. It was just heartbreaking...Wish I could do more for MIL and FIL, but there's only so much one person can do...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Sniff, sniff...anyway, last night when we went back home, it hit me with a different force than before <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 255);">how luxurious</span> it is for me and R2 to be able to live together under the same roof, to be able to give and take, to be able to enjoy life together. How much we take for granted the life that we have together, every single day...each breath we take, each step we take...day in, day out...how I should <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 255);">cherish these moments </span>while they last...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">This is the promise I hold dear...</span><br /><br /><center><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl2.glitter-graphics.net/pub/1261/1261992x1srnu1qpj.jpg" border="0" height="320" width="320" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:78%;"><a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></span></center><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-4492166110791636597?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-79148538974292172342011-11-23T18:15:00.005+02:002011-11-23T19:05:58.369+02:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">I just realized that I may be hitting the brake so hard as a form of self-defense mechanism in terms of this infertility journey. One person who's experienced RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss) has told me that she felt numb after her second loss. It's interesting to know that sometimes we don't even realize that we're using a form of self-defense mechanism.<br /><br />Sometimes the realization comes only after you talk to someone or after you read something that makes you gaze into the self-mirror and wonder why you feel something or why you don't feel anything.<br /><br />I know I've always been an "extreme" person in some ways. Just wondering if I'm being so extreme again in this IF journey...it's like I'm putting a distance between myself and this IF world so that I can use more of my logic instead of my feelings. Oh well...only time will tell, I suppose. :-)<br /><br />Anyhow, speaking of non-IF topics, I <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 153);">REALLY REALLY</span> love Josh Krajcik's audition clip. I can watch it again and again and again and again he he he...<span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 153);">LOVE</span> this dude's voice and soul when he sings!<br /><br /><center><iframe src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/_BWPbIdFlvs" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" width="560"></iframe></center><br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-7914853897429217234?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-47985154513404405122011-11-11T22:09:00.001+02:002011-11-15T09:19:48.801+02:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">The other morning I jolted awake after having such a <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 153);">vivid dream</span>. In my dream, an ex school friend told me how she pitied me for not having kids and in my defense, I explained to her that my existence is meaningful even when I have no kids. Right now I don't remember anymore the details of what I told her, but when I woke up, I still remembered clearly all the things I spouted off to her he he he he...<br /><br />At least at the end of the dream I got her to see my POV, so I woke up "satisfied" so to speak. Maybe this has everything to do with the fact that yesterday I posted "<a href="http://shine.yahoo.com/healthy-living/infertile-and-proud-the-growing-womens-movement-to-de-stigmatize-infertility-2608943.html">Infertile and Proud</a>" link in my Facebook and I added a little note: "We're a complete family just the two of us. :-D"<br /><br />Some people liked it and some commented on it. The first person who commented wrote: "Well, if you're happy just the two of you, then no need to add another person in the equation."<br /><br />I replied to her: "Doesn't mean to say that we never did want to have kids, but not every situation lead to having babies at the end of the journey. That's that. Rather than focusing on what we don't have, better just focus on what we have and continue to nurture it so that it blooms more beautifully than ever."<br /><br />When I was first thrown into IF world, I found fellow IFers and I found "a place to belong". However, now that we've both stopped active TTC and we're not actually thinking of a future with kids anymore, I feel (again) slightly out of place (gotta admit that there are many more IFers who are still actively TTC or trying to adopt or who've got kids already compared to those who live childless).<br /><br />Some people would consider us "too young" and that there's still a chance for us to get an "oops" (funny that now IF it happens, it'll be an oops, eh?), but right now we've set the course too far away from Babyland that I don't even think that I want kids anymore. Maybe it's strange 'coz we've "only" been in this IF land for...3 years and counting? But that's what I feel.<br /><br />Speaking of feeling out of place, it makes me think of the world in general. Even though we are all unique, we also don't want to be a square peg in a round hole. It seems that the world is asking me: "What exactly are you? Which category do you belong to?" Or maybe it's just I myself who's asking the question.<br /><br />External voices and pressures are really disconcerting and loud.<span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 153);"> VERY LOUD. </span>Other people's expectations...society's expectations...they can drown out my own inner voice, but inner voice can be as loud as well.<br /><br />I'm taking time now to listen to my own inner voice. What is it telling me? I do belong in the eyes of those people who care about me, who accept me just the way I am. In God's eyes, I am perfect just the way I am. Funny, though, 'coz just as I'm writing these words, I find it hard to believe. This world has other ideas and expectations about me...even I myself have ideas and expectations about myself...Gee...in this chaotic battle between the world, myself, and my inner voice...no wonder I'm getting so confused.<br /><br />I should strip off my labels and expectations and look at myself at this present moment and just say "I'm fine. I'm beautiful just the way I am. I'm precious in God's eyes. I shouldn't be anything just because others tell me so."<br /><br />This may be just my <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seasonal_affective_disorder">SAD</a> (Seasonal Affective Disorder) phase, but right now I truly long for heaven - a place where we're stripped bare of our labels...no pain, no pressure, no expectation, no heated arguments, no name calling, no wars, no bullying...just <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 153);">pure love and peace</span>.<br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl6.glitter-graphics.net/pub/3035/3035206whbia0jntx.gif" border="0" height="290" width="150" /></a></span><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:verdana;font-size:78%;" ><a href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></span><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-4798515451340440512?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-68692986411436299102011-11-10T13:48:00.005+02:002011-11-10T14:29:22.668+02:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">After reading Jean Vanier's books...well, actually, after my FIL started getting worse (he's got Alzheimer's), I've been thinking lately about a situation where your health condition gets so bad that you have to depend on other people to do many or most things. If I ever reach that kind of stage, will I be able to accept it gently? I guess I'll never know until I experience it myself. Anyway, his condition also makes me reflect more about our value as human beings.<br /><br />After IF, I became so confused about so many things, because IF rocked my world to the core and it made me question so many things about life in general. IF makes me question our worth: what society screams we're worth and what our true worth is in God's eyes. The pressure is sometimes overwhelming and I've seen so many people getting lost in the maze after they lose their jobs, after IF, after being sick.<br /><br />IF makes me realize how blind I've been all the years before IF started: how I've judged so many people wrongly and how I've said so many wrong things to other people simply because of ignorance. How difficult it is to really understand someone else's situation because more often than not, you only see one part or a few small parts of the equation. How hard it is to actually really answer hypothetical questions because you won't really know for sure about your reaction until you experience it yourself.<br /><br />How easy it is to say the wrong things to someone when you don't really understand the whole situation, yet you feel so helpless that you just have to say something to the sufferer. How words can cut someone so painfully even when you don't mean it that way. How easy to get defensive, angry, and hurt when you're really hurting inside. Basically speaking, IF opens my eyes even more to how broken we all are and how little we know about anything.<br /><br />That said, IF has made me want to learn more about human beings, about their personal sufferings, about the many facets of other people's situations. Granted I can't possibly learn them all in a lifetime, but I can start by stopping to think before saying anything to someone who's hurting and researching about it whenever possible.<br /><br />Let me end this post with Jean Vanier's quote: <blockquote style="color: rgb(255, 204, 255);">As we approach people in pain, they reveal to us our pain and brokenness. We are not an elite. We need help. We need the help of Jesus and of sister and brothers in community; we need to talk to wise, listening, and compassionate hearts who can help us to assume all that is broken within us and to find wholeness. We become free when we accept ourselves as we are, cry out for help, and <u>use wisely all that we are to build peace</u>. (A Rebel for Peace, page 134-5)</blockquote><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Ijt2HTYmc2Y/TrvDHc_KA1I/AAAAAAAAFiA/Z4-yTd8plmo/s1600/P1.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 198px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Ijt2HTYmc2Y/TrvDHc_KA1I/AAAAAAAAFiA/Z4-yTd8plmo/s400/P1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5673342688410862418" border="0" /></a><br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-6869298641143629910?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-89384566071589757932011-11-01T11:59:00.004+02:002011-11-01T12:13:37.179+02:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">The other day a mom friend asked me for some advice. The first time it had ever happened to me. I felt grateful for the rare opportunity 'coz it made me feel that my voice mattered. :-)<br /><br />Anyhow, basically speaking she had to make a decision to stop her child to go to a certain course because she believed that the tutor wasn't too helpful for the child. The child didn't argue with her decision, but she saw the sad look on the child's face, so she was wondering if she had made the right decision. So she wanted a second opinion: mine.<br /><br />When I told her what I thought about it: that she had made the right decision, I couldn't help thinking of God and humans. My friend felt sad to see the child's sad face and she would have loved to give anything to wipe the sadness away, but she also didn't want to do any harm to the child by choosing a not-too-good tutor. She wanted to give the best for the child, even though it meant breaking the child's heart a little bit.<br /><br />Oftentimes when God closes a door in front of me, I feel that He is being unfair. I feel that my cries aren't heard. Maybe He also feels the same way as my friend did. Maybe it hurts Him to close the door, but He knows it's for the best.<br /><br />It's true what they say: <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">God's ways are mysterious.</span> Some doors are closed only for a certain amount of time, some are closed forever.<br /><br />Time and time again The Serenity Prayer has spoken to me so powerfully...<br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center; font-family: verdana; color: rgb(153, 255, 153);">God grant me the serenity<br /> to accept the things I cannot change;<br /> courage to change the things I can;<br /> and wisdom to know the difference. </div><span style="font-family:verdana;"><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl2.glitter-graphics.net/pub/959/959422i1ks25xfxc.gif" border="0" height="388" width="187" /></a></span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:verdana;font-size:78%;" ><a href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></span><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-8938456607158975793?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-84324177952349750512011-10-17T11:09:00.009+03:002011-10-17T12:12:27.821+03:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">The other day I heard someone say these words about someone else I knew, "If your sister spends some nights in your house later on, brace yourself and just don't take her words too seriously about your household and how you raise your kids and grandchildren. <u><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 255, 255);">She has no kids, so she doesn't understand.</span></u> As you know well, she'd give you advice and criticism about your parenting style and about how to deal with your kids and grandchildren."<br /><br />For some weird reason, when I heard the words "she has no kids", I felt <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">unexpected stabs </span>deep inside me and it took my breath away. (side note: PMS perhaps added its weight to the melancholy I felt)<br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl.glitter-graphics.net/pub/96/96161hj59okfugd.jpg" border="0" height="82" width="82" /></a></span><br /></div><span style="font-family:verdana;"><br />Why did I feel those stabs? Maybe because it speaks <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">the truth</span> that I don't want to hear - that I'm one of those who have no kids (who once longed to have kids), that I'm one of those who "they think don't understand motherhood and parenting". Maybe because the words make me feel like I'm seeing a <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">HUGE</span> neon sign of "You're not qualified to be in the mommy group" and that hurt 'coz deep down, I do wish I could understand mommyhood better than I do now.<br /><br />Sometimes I feel <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">helpless</span> when a mommy friend tells me about her dilemmas with her child/children and I just don't know what to say. I can't even make her feel "better" by saying that "It's just a phase. I've been there, done that. It's gonna get better, trust me." I'd <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">LOVE</span> to be able to help her more, but I can't because I'm not a mommy.<br /><br />Maybe now I need to <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 153);">grieve the loss of mommyhood</span>. I've gotten over the idea of our future with kids, but I think in a twisted way (as though kids and mommyhood were two separate entities) I still long to understand mommyhood and I need to let it go...may heaven help me...let the healing process begin once more...<br /><br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl5.glitter-graphics.net/pub/365/365855g3j39te55j.png" border="0" height="550" width="200" /></a></span><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><a href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></span><br /></div><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(153, 255, 153);font-family:verdana;" >Additional thought: Hmmm...maybe it wasn't so much having to grieve over the loss of mommyhood as to the fact that those words felt like a loud remembrance of the loss. Maybe that was more like the reason why it hurt.<br /><br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-8432417795234975051?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-34235780180903070022011-10-12T13:48:00.002+03:002011-10-12T13:53:36.773+03:00<span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(153, 255, 153); font-family: verdana;">*cross-posted with my other blog*</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">One of the things I dreaded when I went to Indo the other month was who was going to come up with the "baby talk". I dreaded that 'coz I would never know how to deal with them: do I tell them the truth or do I just smile and say nothing? The truth would be too complicated to tell, but I did tell "the truth" to one person who finally mentioned </span><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204); font-family: verdana;">"baby talk"</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204); font-family: verdana;">.</span><br /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102);"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl2.glitter-graphics.net/pub/667/667082zqylfrnkar.gif" border="0" height="220" width="176" /></a></span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102); font-style: italic;font-size:78%;" ><a href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></span><br /></div><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102);"><br /></span><span style="font-family: verdana;">One neighbour, upon seeing us walk outside the house, said, "Going out? Hurry and make some babies!"</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">I stopped, smiled and said, "It's OK even if we'll never have babies."</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">You should've seen her face!!! She didn't see that coming! With a shocked look on her face, she quickly said, "<span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">DON'T SAY THAT!!!!!</span> I'm gonna pray for you so that you'll have kids."</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">Deep inside I was sighing and rolling my eyes, but to her I just smiled and said, "Why, <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">THANK YOU </span>for your prayers."</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">Why is it so hard for people to understand that we're OK even though we have no babies? It seems that <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">THEY</span> are the ones who want <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">US </span>to have babies more than we do. Don't get me wrong, though, I<span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);"> DO </span>appreciate them and I <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">DO </span>understand their wish for us, but why can't they understand that it may not be what we want anymore? It almost makes us feel that we're not "complete human beings" without kids in our life.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">FYI, two relatives hugged me upon saying goodbye, rubbed my belly, and whispered, "I'm praying for you to have babies."</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">OK, that's all good...but my cynical mind thinks, "If God says no, no matter how many times you pray, you won't see the result that you're wishing for." That's why I asked my closest friends for God's peace beyond understanding instead of asking them to pray for us to have kids.</span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102);"><br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102);"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl6.glitter-graphics.net/pub/800/800856vas98gl994.gif" border="0" height="335" width="178" /></a></span><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102); font-style: italic;font-size:78%;" ><a href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></span><br /></div><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">One close friend told me, "You shouldn't have said that to the neighbour. You should've just smiled and said nothing."</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">Maybe she's right. I begin to feel that there's no use trying to make them understand our situation anyway. Oh well...</span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102);"><br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-3423578018090307002?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-23408012266152709452011-08-17T17:39:00.006+03:002011-08-17T17:57:55.330+03:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">A while ago I spent time with two friends. One of them has just had an <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">empty nest</span> 'coz her sons have recently moved out of the house to study in the city. She said that she had then learnt to enjoy life again just with the hubby - though of course every now and then the kids come back for a visit, but still she said it was interesting to find the house "so quiet". <br /> <br />The other friend commented that her parents didn't seem to want to live in a house with just the two of them after their children moved out of the house. They had had plenty of foster children along the years and now that they have finally reached the age when they should retire, they opt to have a lodger. <br /> <br />I've just been thinking that hubby and I can be - in a twisted way - considered ourselves to be in an empty nest without actually experiencing all the things that parents do before they reach that stage. The big difference is that we don't have to go through any adjustment periods between the time when the kids are born until the time when they leave the house. <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">We're HERE already!</span> <br /> <br />That was actually an interesting thought - at least for me it is. It's like suddenly realizing, "Hey! We've been doing <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">GREAT</span> despite the circumstances! We don't need to wonder anymore after years of child-bearing if we can still connect with each other and if we can enjoy each other's company 'coz that's what we've been doing anyway." <br /> <br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl4.glitter-graphics.net/pub/457/457134le10r6w6oz.gif" border="0" height="220" width="176" /></a></span> <br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:verdana;font-size:78%;" ><a href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></span> <br /></div><span style="font-family:verdana;"> <br />Anyway, just for the sake of recording my IF journey, the other week we had a <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">"false alarm"</span>. My menstrual cycle is normally around 32-43 days (mostly around 36-38 days), but the other week I was wondering why my period hadn't come yet and I then looked it up my menstrual calendar and realized that it was already day 44. <br /> <br />My period finally came on day 47, though in between day 44 and 47, I was torn amongst so many different thoughts. At first the idea of being pregnant made me excited, esp. 'coz I could then share the news with my mother and my MIL, but then after that came a barrage of <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">FEAR</span>...worries about how we could work out our finance if I had to stop working, worries about how on earth we can bring up sane children in this crazy world. At the end of the day, the worries and the fear triumphed more than the joy of the thought of having kids. Maybe it also had to do with the fact that I had been thinking of our <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">future without kids</span>, so I'm so used to that kind of family picture already. <br /> <br />Funnily enough, both hubby and I felt <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">a HUGE relief</span> when my period finally came. Strange how I could have been so "baby-obsessed" at one time and then now I'm reaching this stage where we don't think we want babies anymore. But the most important thing of all is that both hubby and I are on the same page. Feels <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">BRILLIANT</span> to be on the same page with him! :-D <br /> <br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl5.glitter-graphics.net/pub/610/610965mwbmzyipj4.gif" border="0" height="160" width="128" /></a></span> <br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-2340801226615270945?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-73707411802899456162011-04-12T17:39:00.003+03:002011-04-12T17:53:32.411+03:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">I'm now at the stage where I'm not really sure anymore that I want kids - or if we are meant to be parents. Not sure if it's partly due to self-defense mechanism or not, but it's what it is. A close friend's sister is currently pregnant, but I didn't feel anything bad or painful when I heard about it. These days I can also look at pregnant bellies or small children without feeling stabs of longing. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Not sure how long this stage will last, but I'm enjoying it as much as I can. It feels <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">BLISSFUL</span> to be able to be in this stage.</span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102);"><br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102);"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl.glitter-graphics.net/pub/939/939401ujphhtnug7.gif" border="0" height="223" width="226" /></a></span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102); font-style: italic;font-size:78%;" ><a href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></span><br /></div><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102);"><br /></span><span style="font-family:verdana;">Soon it'll be three years since we first started to try to have kids (can't really say that we've been trying for the past year, though). Right now I can say that IF is like using a free kind of birth control without any side effects or operation and I can say this without any cynicism or sad feelings.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">I just wanna be <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">THANKFUL</span> for God's peace of mind at this stage...to be honest, the other week I reread some of my old posts and I was surprised to read how dark they were (no wonder non-IFers can be really shocked while reading IFers thoughts or posts). At that time I never thought I could reach this stage, but I am here now, so I'm going to make the best out of it. :-D <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">Glory to God!!!</span></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102);"><br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102);"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl2.glitter-graphics.net/pub/424/424582amlvy0doqu.jpg" border="0" height="268" width="286" /></a></span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102); font-style: italic;font-size:78%;" ><a href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></span><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-7370741180289945616?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-13247152283899942462011-04-10T12:33:00.001+03:002011-04-10T12:36:32.056+03:00<span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-family:verdana;">It is not so true that "prayer changes things" as that prayer changes me and I change things. God has so constituted things that prayer on the basis of Redemption alters the way in which a man looks at things. Prayer is not a question of altering things externally, but of working wonders in a man's disposition.</span></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">~ Oswald Chambers<br /><br /><center><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl5.glitter-graphics.net/pub/516/516065oi79q8rklg.gif" border="0" height="462" width="264" /></a><br /><a href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></center></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-1324715228389994246?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-23526550030899132622011-02-21T16:50:00.004+02:002011-02-21T16:58:10.291+02:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">I ain't got no children of my own to tuck in, but <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">I LOVE</span> tucking in hubby on the sofa for his naps. And I know he <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">ENJOYS</span> it thoroughly, as well. I <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">LOVE</span> watching his face - whether he's asleep or awake. Such a lovely piece of God's artwork...<br /><br />I agree with what "they" say - what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I think I love him more and more after IF. We've grown closer and closer and we've depended on each other even more and more as time goes by - as well as having more fun together. Together, just the two of us, stitching memories day by day...I'm <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">SO blessed</span> to have him as a hubby!<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8H3FHu3DDLA/TWJ8z1Y3ZUI/AAAAAAAAE_M/hz0iWJE1JfM/s1600/R2sleep.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8H3FHu3DDLA/TWJ8z1Y3ZUI/AAAAAAAAE_M/hz0iWJE1JfM/s400/R2sleep.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5576156518584640834" border="0" /></a><br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-2352655003089913262?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-73276154421356066312011-01-21T21:48:00.004+02:002011-01-21T22:04:53.439+02:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">Upon remembering that we should "love our neighbours as ourselves", it made me think that it's sometimes hard to love ourselves when we feel that we're "ugly", "dirty", "yucky" and any other label that we can attach to ourselves.<br /><br />During IF journey, we often find ourselves feeling all the negative emotions that come barging in unexpectedly like tsunami waves, leaving us shocked and making us feel guilty. We hate the fact that we can possibly feel all those emotions, yet we can't deny their existence either.<br /><br />However, I start thinking that if we can just <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">learn to love ourselves despite all that</span>, maybe it'll help us love others. If we can't love ourselves despite all that, how can we "love our neighbours as ourselves"?<br /><br />After living on earth for 30 something years, I've found that <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">the best comforters</span> are the ones who've experienced all the worst emotional turmoil ever, so why should we hate or loathe the very experience that will enrich ourselves? If we ever feel bitterness, why should we curse it? With God's help, we'll get through it and hopefully in the end we'll be able to become better comforters for our "neighbours" when they're feeling that similar wave of bitterness and maybe it'll help them to know that other people <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 255, 255);">CAN</span> and<span style="color: rgb(204, 255, 255);"> </span><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 255, 153);"><span style="color: rgb(204, 255, 255);">DO</span> </span>get through it.<br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl5.glitter-graphics.net/pub/874/874465z8jkxvvuhv.jpg" border="0" height="241" width="320" /></a></span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:verdana;font-size:78%;" ><a href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></span></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-7327615442135606631?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-81975233919579329482011-01-16T15:10:00.004+02:002011-01-16T15:33:06.467+02:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">Been sending emails with a friend (not yet married, but has a boyfriend and is planning to get married with him someday). With all the best intention in the world (which I appreciate), she asked me if we had got checked up 'coz she knew we wanted kids and that she knew some people who tried some Chinese herbs in Indo and the herbs worked for them. She then said that she'd pray to God that we'd get a child soon.<br /><br />I told her this: "Well, we've decided not to get checked up due to A, B, C <span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(255, 204, 255);">(I explained to her that it was like opening Pandora's box and I explained to her a bit that even though celebrities seemed to be successful in trying different types of medication to have kids, reality states differently)</span>. Besides, by the grace of God now we're fine even with the thought that we'll never have any kids at all even though we'd welcome a child if he/she comes our way <span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(255, 204, 255);">(deep inside, I wanted to explain to her the crazy rollercoaster IF, but I knew she wouldn't understand so it was just not worth it)</span>. Life is beautiful with or without kids. If you're going to pray for us, don't pray that we'll have a child ASAP, but pray that we'll accept whatever plans God has for us."<br /><br />She then replied: "Yeah, you're right about accepting whatever God is planning for us. Just believe in God's timing. God knows the best for us and His timing is always perfect and He will give us what we hope for when we least expect it, in His perfect timing."<br /><br />A part of me wanted to debate her: "Uh, hello? What makes you feel so sure that He's going to give us what we hope for? Are you trying to make me feel better or are you trying to convince yourself that if we hope for something so badly, God will give us in His perfect timing? Why do people think that if they want something so badly and they keep praying for it, God will give it to them?"<br /><br />Instead, I replied: "Well, when it comes to kids, let's not assume that God's going to give us any. We're OK even if God doesn't give us any kids and that's that. We've also thought about adoption but it doesn't look like it's a good idea for us bla bla bla bla..."<br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl9.glitter-graphics.net/pub/846/846319f6mcv604p1.gif" border="0" height="538" width="187" /></a></span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:verdana;font-size:78%;" ><a href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></span><br /></div><span style="font-family:verdana;"><br />The other month I also posted a comment in my friend's FB page 'coz her son's pictures are just <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 255, 153);">SO cute</span>. So I told her that under the latest pic of her son's and she said, "Come on then and make one!"<br /><br />I said, "HA HA HA HA HA...we've been 'making one' so diligently, but no success yet."<br /><br />She replied, "Well, just relax (calm down). Maybe God wants the two of you to have lots of honeymoons first."<br /><br />A part of me bristled when I read it. What makes her think I'm not relaxed (calm)??? <span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(255, 204, 255);">---> yeah, I know I took it too personally 'coz logically thinking, maybe she just didn't know what to say and she wasn't insinuating that I wasn't calm - but then again it's hard to think logically when you're an IF. </span><br /><br />Instead, I replied, "Don't worry, we're OK even if God doesn't give us any kids. Life's beautiful anyway."<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 255, 153);">THANKFULLY</span> she didn't say anything anymore after I told her that. <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 255, 153);">BUT</span> I think I should just stop complimenting other people's babies' cuteness. Why can't they just say, "<span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 255, 153);">THANKS</span> for the compliment" and leave it at that?<br /><br />I understand fully the need to want to share the motherhood joy so that I can "join the club", but still it's tiring to have to answer those questions (it's hard to disregard the questions or the "invitation" to "make one" 'coz I want to correct their assumption that babies can be made that easily). So maybe I should just stop before the vicious cycle starts: thus I should stop giving baby compliments (unless towards my closest friends who know about us so well).<br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-8197523391957932948?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-25577840326046592712010-12-17T21:36:00.005+02:002010-12-17T21:48:58.142+02:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">Today I was working near the entrance/exit of the place where I worked when a couple stopped by near the exit and said to their daughter, "Look! There she is! Amelia is over there!"<br /><br />I turned around and saw the lovely family whose daughter had stolen my heart ever since we met at my workplace. I've written a little about her in this post: <a href="http://serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com/2010/11/in-love.html">In Love</a>. She had a pacifier in her mouth, but when I said "hi", she said "hi" with a smile.<br /><br />The Dad then explained to me that it'd become a habit - whenever they went to go grocery shopping, the girl would ask where I was (if I wasn't working as the cashier that day) HE HE HE HE HE...<br /><br />I was so <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">touched</span>, not only 'coz of the little girl's enthusiasm, but also for the parents' excitement towards our interaction. I said "goodbye" to the cute girl while waving my hand and she also did the same a few times - always with a smile on her cute face.<br /><br />I then turned around while they exited the building and I almost couldn't hold the tears from flowing. I guess it's just hormones, but I was just so touched - and a tad sad again at the same time 'coz I could only do that with another person's child - though on the other hand it's still <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">MUCH better</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);"> </span>than not having that kind of interaction with anyone's child at all. :-D<br /><br />On a positive note, I can't wait for our mini holiday sometime later to Rovaniemi (a city near here) with hubby. I just booked our hotel last night. <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">WOOOOHOOOO!!! </span>I'll be back with pictures. Meanwhile, here are some more winter pics I took yesterday:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_3qLww_pMgNw/TQu-Bjq-0xI/AAAAAAAAE6k/dwhVJTJwMYM/s1600/BB1.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 340px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_3qLww_pMgNw/TQu-Bjq-0xI/AAAAAAAAE6k/dwhVJTJwMYM/s400/BB1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5551739899628933906" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_3qLww_pMgNw/TQu-Cs6f94I/AAAAAAAAE68/CJlIhZw179k/s1600/P1.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_3qLww_pMgNw/TQu-Cs6f94I/AAAAAAAAE68/CJlIhZw179k/s400/P1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5551739919289808770" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_3qLww_pMgNw/TQu-CEKf3VI/AAAAAAAAE60/1bvcMMxPvZ0/s1600/P2.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_3qLww_pMgNw/TQu-CEKf3VI/AAAAAAAAE60/1bvcMMxPvZ0/s400/P2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5551739908351057234" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_3qLww_pMgNw/TQu-Bwx-BWI/AAAAAAAAE6s/XgB6FvCz5p4/s1600/P3.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_3qLww_pMgNw/TQu-Bwx-BWI/AAAAAAAAE6s/XgB6FvCz5p4/s400/P3.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5551739903147902306" border="0" /></a><br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-2557784032604659271?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-30735149304249939972010-12-16T17:06:00.005+02:002010-12-16T17:28:01.457+02:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">A few weeks ago I found out that a certain friend had gotten pregnant again (she had been trying for this second one for a while, but finally she got pregnant). I think at that time I almost felt a tiny thump in my chest, but I definitely felt that <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">tiny thump</span> the other day when I found out that another friend had gotten pregnant (she's 2 years older than me - I'm 32 y.o.). After that thump, this question arose: "How come it's so easy for them but not for us?"<br /><br />But then I realized that it was totally the wrong question to ask 'coz it would simply open up the Pandora box that's filled with other questions that would be impossible to answer.<br /><br />Thankfully no other questions popped up, but I did feel a tad of sadness due to my "empty womb". I feel happy for my friends, but that doesn't mean I don't feel anything anymore when it comes to us, even though we've "given up" (read: not actively TTC anymore).<br /><br />A close friend of mine is going to TTC next year and for<span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);"> selfish </span>reasons, I just hope that she gets pregnant easily. Why? So I can get it over with: having to congratulate her and feeling whatever I may be feeling (hopefully nothing too bad) when the time comes. So for very selfish reasons, the sooner she gets pregnant, the better for me 'coz I'll then be able to move on after feeling another wave of grief over my <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">"empty womb"</span>.<br /><br />I also realize even more that all these "negative emotions brought out by IF roller-coaster" aren't altogether bad at all. They really help me understand other people's similar feelings to a deeper level. They really help me understand that we're, after all, simply human beings and that just because we feel what we feel doesn't mean we're "bad people". And the other week I also found these verses that helped me embrace all the "negative emotions during IF roller-coaster":<br /></span><br /><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(153, 255, 255);font-family:verdana;" >2 Corinthians 1:3-5<br /><br />“All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. <u>He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others.</u> When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” (NLT)</span><p><span><span></span></span></p><span style="font-family:verdana;"><br /><br />On a different note, today I was in the mood to watch a romantic movie, so I watched "The Holiday" again and I enjoyed crying my eyes out (probably just hormones!!!), but it feels GREAT to cry over a movie while it lasts 'coz it's not real life. You feel glad after crying your eyes out and go back to real life.<br /><br />The wintery scenes in the movie make me feel thankful for living in a beautiful place with <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">pink skies</span>...here are some pics of the lovely pink skies of Lapland, Finland:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_3qLww_pMgNw/TQovpq8nSSI/AAAAAAAAE6c/9jPDmYftwVk/s1600/Pinkys.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_3qLww_pMgNw/TQovpq8nSSI/AAAAAAAAE6c/9jPDmYftwVk/s400/Pinkys.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5551301883637221666" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_3qLww_pMgNw/TQovGl2Ir0I/AAAAAAAAE6U/obKoT23TwDU/s1600/Pink5.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_3qLww_pMgNw/TQovGl2Ir0I/AAAAAAAAE6U/obKoT23TwDU/s400/Pink5.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5551301280972451650" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_3qLww_pMgNw/TQovGsDflFI/AAAAAAAAE6M/pReF8DVgVeQ/s1600/Pink2.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_3qLww_pMgNw/TQovGsDflFI/AAAAAAAAE6M/pReF8DVgVeQ/s400/Pink2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5551301282639090770" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_3qLww_pMgNw/TQovGaVzlQI/AAAAAAAAE6E/f-DQAf2t9r0/s1600/Sunrise1.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_3qLww_pMgNw/TQovGaVzlQI/AAAAAAAAE6E/f-DQAf2t9r0/s400/Sunrise1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5551301277884060930" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_3qLww_pMgNw/TQovGGpHlnI/AAAAAAAAE58/TudpvE74k-Y/s1600/Group.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_3qLww_pMgNw/TQovGGpHlnI/AAAAAAAAE58/TudpvE74k-Y/s400/Group.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5551301272596354674" border="0" /></a><br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-3073514930424993997?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-77397190266590700872010-12-06T15:42:00.003+02:002010-12-06T15:45:00.872+02:00<span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(204, 204, 255);">*cross-posted with my other blog*</span><br /><br />About a month ago or so I was feeling sick and tired. Of what? I guess the correct answer would be <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 255, 255);">"the fallenness of mankind"</span>. I wasn't sick and tired of mankind per se, but just that part of mankind, including that part in myself (or maybe especially 'coz I know that part exists in myself).<br /><br />I guess the trigger was when I read this online forum that talked about two different people from two different cultures and the heated debate went on and on and on. There were at least 100 "commentators", but I only found about 1/10th who were the voice of reason. Some of the commentators made me feel sick and disgusted.<br /><br />It's so easy when I look at that fallen part in myself that for example if I'm struck by someone, my instinct would be to strike back. If I'm hurt, my instinct would be to fight back or to have my revenge. Maybe for different people, the "fallen" parts are different than mine. But still the fallenness exists.<br /><br />I don't mean to say that I'm giving up on mankind, but I'm just saying that there are times when I just want to get away from humans 'coz the fallenness of mankind makes me sick.<br /><br />I talked about this topic today with a friend and she said she thought she was the only one going mad ha ha ha...she also experienced this and she said that she also wanted to get away from people in order to <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 255, 255);">"reduce"</span> the amount of possible <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 255, 255);">"negative thoughts/feelings/reactions" </span>that come from dealing with other human beings.<br /><br />However, at the other end of the spectrum, after feeling so disgusted and sick like this, I wonder why God still loves us just the way we are, despite ourselves. I mean logically thinking I know that God is love, but my human brain is wondering that after all the wickedness and ugliness that humans can do, isn't it <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 255, 255);">beyond AMAZING</span> that He still loves us? That He's sent Jesus to die for our sins? I still can't comprehend the depth of His love for us...it's <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 255, 255);">WAY beyond </span>what my human brain can understand. Having billions and billions of "children on earth" behaving the way we are many days a year...I'm <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 255, 255);">THANKFUL</span> that <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 255, 255);">God is God.</span><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102);"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl2.glitter-graphics.net/pub/79/79882xmvhegyybd.jpg" border="0" height="100" width="100" /></a></span><br /></div><br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-7739719026659070087?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-2926347823048382952010-11-25T11:54:00.003+02:002010-11-25T12:00:36.144+02:00<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);font-family:verdana;font-size:130%;" >You can never please everybody. </span><br /></div><span style="font-family:verdana;"><br />No matter how hard you try to be "politically correct" or to avoid hurting anybody with your words (or texts), it's almost impossible to know what impact your words (or texts) would have on everybody. So, even though I know and understand fully that words are mightier than a sword, I can only try to do my best, but I know it's impossible for me to gauge what others might think about it.<br /><br />After all, I remember one time in my past when I gave a <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">SINCERE</span> compliment to a friend, but she took it the wrong way. I had to explain to her again that I meant what I said, but still it was something inside her that made it unable to accept my compliment as is. If even a compliment can be misunderstood, how much more so can it happen to simple opinions.<br /><br />The more I browse through blogs and articles, the more I realize that I have to try not to take things too seriously 'coz after all we have our own "glasses" when we read/hear things that might alter what we think we read/hear - the contrary of what the author/speaker wants to convey.<br /><br />On a lighter note, let me share this lovely duet...<br /><br /><center><object height="250" width="400"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/a2RA0vsZXf8?fs=1&amp;hl=fi_FI"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/a2RA0vsZXf8?fs=1&amp;hl=fi_FI" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" height="250" width="400"></embed></object></center><br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-292634782304838295?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-44184591208839435062010-11-24T13:21:00.005+02:002010-11-24T17:33:11.937+02:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">Dunno why but lately I've heard a voice in myself saying to me lots of times, "<span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204); font-weight: bold;">It's just life.</span>" It applies to this IF journey as well as other situations in life. Even if I'm not a mother in the end, so what? That doesn't mean I'm nothing. God loves me just the way I am. He knows the number of hair on my head and He was the one who knit me inside my mom's womb.<br /><br />Speaking of God, I've also had some thoughts. When things go wrong and God "doesn't seem to listen" even though we've given it our all, it may be because He wants us to surrender fully to Him instead of depending on our own power/ability/efforts.<br /><br />In today's world where this motto is really loud: "You can do everything if you just do it and work hard for it", maybe God wants to tell me through infertility that: "<span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">You CAN achieve many things through ME</span>, not through your own strengths or ability or efforts."<br /><br />However, I'm not expecting God's miracle anymore in terms of infertility. It doesn't really matter anymore. He's created MANY more wonderful miracles on earth that I can enjoy and I can share with others these beauties through photos and videos.<br /><br />I took some pics today while riding my bike from work to my place. It was -21'C and the sky was so lovely that I had to take pics with my mobile (thank GOD for technology!!!)<br /><br />First pic: look at the ends of my hair! I had ridden my bike for around 10 minutes, though I had stopped a few times before I took this pic in order to take some sky pics.<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_3qLww_pMgNw/TO0vg8kScvI/AAAAAAAAE2c/VwuTgiCSkdg/s1600/WhiteHaired.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 337px; height: 400px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_3qLww_pMgNw/TO0vg8kScvI/AAAAAAAAE2c/VwuTgiCSkdg/s400/WhiteHaired.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5543138959423599346" border="0" /></a><br />Two pics of the lovely sky...<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_3qLww_pMgNw/TO0vgfhI7nI/AAAAAAAAE2U/ol0VP3wSf00/s1600/Pinky1.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_3qLww_pMgNw/TO0vgfhI7nI/AAAAAAAAE2U/ol0VP3wSf00/s400/Pinky1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5543138951625764466" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_3qLww_pMgNw/TO0vfll2ATI/AAAAAAAAE2M/DbmpRkeNeC0/s1600/Pinky3.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_3qLww_pMgNw/TO0vfll2ATI/AAAAAAAAE2M/DbmpRkeNeC0/s400/Pinky3.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5543138936076239154" border="0" /></a><br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-4418459120883943506?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-39462587538383417642010-11-15T12:56:00.003+02:002010-11-15T13:03:43.771+02:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">I'm <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">IN LOVE</span> with this little girl that often comes to the store where I work with her parents. The first time I ever saw her, she immediately said "hi" to me with a smile on her face. She's obviously just started learning to speak, 'coz she can only speak "hi" and "bye". Her smile is <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">VERY cute</span> 'coz her milk teeth are <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">HUGE</span>. Whenever I smile and look at her, she'd smile back at me.<br /><br />Moreover, the parents seem to love the interaction between us, so they'd encourage her to say "bye" to me whenever they've finished shopping and whenever I wave my hand and smile at her while saying, "bye", she'd do the same thing. Such a cute angel! I always feel <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">EXCITED</span> whenever I see them in the store he he he...<br /><br />For those of you who pray, please <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 255);">pray for my MIL</span>. My FIL has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's a few years ago and his condition is going down rapidly. Please pray for comfort and strength to carry on. THANKS in advance for all your prayers!!!<br /><br />In the meantime, let me share some winter pics from here...the other day hubby went for a pre-Xmas party with his boss and coworkers and I just <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 153);"><span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">LOVE</span> </span>technology sometimes 'coz it allowed me to send a pic along with my SMS he he he he...<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_3qLww_pMgNw/TOETI8ITbZI/AAAAAAAAE10/QGKNC2jJHKs/s1600/Piippu.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_3qLww_pMgNw/TOETI8ITbZI/AAAAAAAAE10/QGKNC2jJHKs/s400/Piippu.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5539730060943256978" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_3qLww_pMgNw/TOETIoBwwGI/AAAAAAAAE1s/RgSBteuerOg/s1600/Lantern.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_3qLww_pMgNw/TOETIoBwwGI/AAAAAAAAE1s/RgSBteuerOg/s400/Lantern.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5539730055547109474" border="0" /></a><br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-3946258753838341764?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-68677458835043635372010-11-06T23:57:00.004+02:002010-11-07T00:04:50.620+02:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">Today I found this lovely poem that made me daydream. I haven't dared daydreaming about my non-existent child 'coz I know that'd only make me feel sad, but for some reason today when I read the poem, I just couldn't stop being absorbed in it. It's simply too beautiful not to be enjoyed fully...it leaves me feeling happy and sad at the same time - sad when I have to get back to the real world, but happy while I read the imagery in the poem...<br /><br />Anyway, without further ado, let me just share the poem here...<br /><br /></span><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:hyphenationzone>21</w:HyphenationZone> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:shapedefaults ext="edit" spidmax="1026"> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:shapelayout ext="edit"> <o:idmap ext="edit" data="1"> </o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(204, 255, 255);font-size:130%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="postbody"><span style="" lang="EN-GB">Father’s Day Lament </span></span></span><span style="color: rgb(204, 255, 255);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /><span class="postbody">Today is not my day </span><br /><br /><span class="postbody">Though I have a daughter in my mind </span><br /><br /><span class="postbody">For so long, she was there every day </span><br /><span class="postbody">Helping me pet the dog </span><br /><span class="postbody">Listening to my stories </span><br /><span class="postbody">Greeting me when I came home </span><br /><br /><span class="postbody">I’d tuck her into bed at night, </span><br /><span class="postbody">I’d make her a midnight snack. </span><br /><span class="postbody">As she slept, we’d watch her </span><br /><span class="postbody">Carefully counting her every hair </span><br /><br /><span class="postbody">Then the time came </span><br /><span class="postbody">When she was no longer there </span><br /><span class="postbody">Every day </span><br /><br /><span class="postbody">Time changes us </span><br /><span class="postbody">It alters desire </span><br /><span class="postbody">It dulls memories </span><br /><span class="postbody">Time heals all things </span><br /><span class="postbody">But often - healing involves scars </span><br /><br /><span class="postbody">She is with me less now, but today I see her </span><br /><span class="postbody">Dancing in the backyard </span><br /><span class="postbody">Laughing and twirling, twirling and laughing </span><br /><br /><span class="postbody">She beckons me to join her </span><br /><span class="postbody">I whisper, “I have loved you so much.” </span><br /><br /><span class="postbody">She fades into the light </span><br /><span class="postbody">All that remains </span><br /><span class="postbody">Is sunlight and shadow on leaves </span><br /><br /><span class="postbody">Today is not my day</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" face="verdana"><br /></p><p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"></p><span style="font-family:verdana;">June 15, 2008</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">poem written by: Dan T. Davis</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">author of: </span><br /><a style="font-family: verdana;" href="http://www.infertilitysanguish.com/">Infertility's Anguish</a><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">The Blacksmith's Gift </span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-6867745883504363537?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-81105090996759245192010-11-04T12:55:00.009+02:002010-11-04T12:59:08.444+02:00<span style="color: rgb(153, 255, 255); font-style: italic;font-family:verdana;" >Cross-posted with my personal blog:</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102);"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 153);font-family:verdana;" >This year I haven't had time to come up with any ideas for </span><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 255, 51);font-family:verdana;" >Blog Blast for Peace</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 153);font-family:verdana;" >. For one thing, this year I'm</span><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 255, 153);font-family:verdana;" > <span style="color: rgb(51, 255, 51);">skeptical</span></span><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 153);font-family:verdana;" > about peace on earth after having read so much "hate-filled junk" in the cyberspace. There are some people who just love unloading themselves in other people's space and create friction. Last year I was so full of hope when I joined in Blog Blast for Peace. I don't know if that means I'm getting more cynical or pessimistic or what, but I sure don't want to lose my hope in mankind.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 153);font-family:verdana;" >One site that makes me feel good about mankind is:<br /><br /></span></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102);"><span style="color: rgb(153, 255, 255);font-family:verdana;font-size:130%;" ><u style="font-weight: bold;"><a href="http://www.givesmehope.com/">Gives Me Hope</a></u></span><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 153);font-family:verdana;" >.</span></span><br /></div><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102);"><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 153);font-family:verdana;" >I've also liked the page in Facebook, so I get notification every time there are new submissions. The site has become my feel-good site. Whenever I feel any doubt about mankind and the effort to create peace, this site never fails to make me feel hopeful. Whenever I feel down, this site makes me feel warm and gooey inside. So even though I'm not participating in Blog Blast for Peace this year, I want to share this beautiful site with you all. It also has some beautiful sister sites like "Love Gives Me Hope" and "Kids Give Me Hope" on the top part of the site.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 153);font-family:verdana;" >One example of one entry that I read in Facebook today was this:</span><br /><br /><blockquote style="color: rgb(204, 255, 255); font-weight: bold; font-family: verdana;">TODAY ON FACEBOOK I FOUND a group created by a guy who found someone's camera while traveling. He really wants to return the camera, which is full of memories, but has no idea who it belongs to. 230,000 people have joined the group to pass along the message. Kindness GMH.<br /><br />UPDATE: The good will of 250,000 people created a stir that rippled into an office in London, where a group of French people were recognized, one being the owner.</blockquote><br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102);"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl.glitter-graphics.net/pub/579/579081gumtwy2sum.gif" border="0" height="41" width="74" /></a></span><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-8110509099675924519?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-69822821894579620142010-10-21T12:45:00.004+03:002010-10-21T13:09:47.756+03:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">When I first started having baby fever (around the 2nd month of TTC back in 2008) and when the baby fever started going stronger and stronger, I shared about it with my closest friends. Having known me for at least 15 years, they know my character very well.<br /><br />After a year had passed by and then we were officially into the "infertile" group, I started browsing for many online sources on infertility and I read so many infertility blogs 'coz I felt alienated in my turmoil. I shared my findings with my closest friends and a few months after I began sharing my findings with them, one of them told me this, "You know, when you first started having your baby fever, at first my thought was 'Oh no, here she goes again' 'coz I thought you were just being you. That's the Amel I've known. BUT after reading your stories about how many other women out there who've experienced what you've experienced in terms of the turmoils you felt and how crazy it looked to me, I began to understand that it's a common theme in many people who are actively TTC."<br /><br />I have to admit that I was <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 153);">rather stunned</span> when I read her sentences, but I understand why she wrote those words 'coz <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 153);">I AM </span>an intense person in many ways compared to my closest friends.<span style="color: rgb(153, 255, 153);"> </span><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 153);">I LOVE</span> planning way ahead of time and anticipating things (esp. good things). When I got back to Indo in October 2008, I deliberately bought bigger sized pants and the type of tops that would fit me even if I got pregnant soon. I told my friends about this and thus they must have thought that it must've happened 'coz I was who I was (the intense planner). But now I realize that other people also do this in anticipation of their upcoming pregnancies.<br /><br />Well, after a year passed by, when I was really down and out, <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 153);">I CURSED </span>myself for having bought those oversized clothes. I was really angry and disappointed, but now I don't feel that way anymore, though I'm not going to buy any oversized clothing anymore.<br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl2.glitter-graphics.net/pub/617/617442kma3w6vrck.jpg" border="0" height="275" width="300" /></a></span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:verdana;font-size:78%;" ><a href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></span><br /></div><span style="font-family:verdana;"><br />Anyway, enough rambling. In a way, I also feel that <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 153);">I don't really belong </span>in the IF world 'coz of these reasons:<br /><br />a. We've not tried any treatment and we've decided not to pursue any kind of treatment, though that doesn't mean we'll stop trying naturally (although it's not really actively TTC 'coz we've stopped timed sex months and months ago).<br /><br />b. I've never got pregnant and thus I've never experienced any miscarriage, so I can't really relate to those who've experienced that.<br /><br />c. Menopause is still far away, so I can't really say that I have accepted <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 153);">FULLY</span> living childless 'coz God knows if He's going to give us kids later on before menopause comes or not. And until menopause comes, I don't think I can still keep that whisper of hope shut. But that doesn't mean that I haven't tried learning to live childless, either.<br /><br />d. We've not decided on adopting yet and as time goes by, it doesn't seem more likely for us to pursue adoption.<br /><br />It feels like <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 153);">I'm in between both worlds</span>: the world of IFers who're still trying their hardest to get pregnant or to have a baby through adoption and the world of IFers who're "over the hills already" (those who're now living childless).<br /><br />How do I feel about all this? Nothing much. Just stating the facts and just wanting to record my journey in this blog. I still feel a tug in my heart (depending on my mood and whether PMS strikes or not) whenever I see small children, but my logic's still strong when it comes to acknowledging how life's much simpler without children ('coz I can be as selfish as I can be: I can sleep late, get up later when I'm not working, we can travel and not think about anything else other than the fund, etc. etc. etc.)<br /><br />P.S. It's been <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 153);">snowing </span>today, but the ground temp. is still above 0'C, so the snow melts right away. Can't wait till snow stays on the ground, making everything looks brighter. Let is snow, let it snow, let it snowwww...<br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl10.glitter-graphics.net/pub/1514/1514280pqygj2fo8p.gif" border="0" height="100" width="100" /></a></span><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-6982282189457962014?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-64047584916510513582010-09-18T17:40:00.003+03:002010-09-18T19:04:28.821+03:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">Phoebe from <a href="http://phoebegonewilde.blogspot.com/2010/09/humility-happiness-and-hope.html">Phoebe Gone Wild</a> shared this award with me and I'm <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 153);">HONOURED</span> to get it. <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">THANK YOU</span>, Phoebe!<br /><br />So here are the rules: The rules are easy - you put that picture up on your blog and you post about one thing you're happy about right now and one thing that you are hoping for in the future. And then you pass the award along.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_3qLww_pMgNw/TJTSGymda9I/AAAAAAAAEvo/KRF4fAJYrHY/s1600/Hope.png"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 268px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_3qLww_pMgNw/TJTSGymda9I/AAAAAAAAEvo/KRF4fAJYrHY/s400/Hope.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5518266457539832786" border="0" /></a><br /><br />I've gotta be honest that it's gonna be TOO difficult for me to write just ONE thing that makes me happy 'coz they are the simple pleasures in life, but anyway I'll write 10 of them:<br /><br />1. How I've found wonderful human beings through the internet and the blogosphere to share my ups and downs, to support and encourage and understand me. Not just the IF community, but my other regular blogging friends. I would never have made it without all of you people.<br /><br />2. When I've been whiny and annoying (in my own ears/mind), yet hubby still tells me, "I love you anyway, honey." That is one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard in my life.<br /><br />3. Watching autumn colours, especially the red colour (my fave autumn colour) surrounding me...and noticing a squirrel running about cautiously in our yard.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_3qLww_pMgNw/TJTazenbg7I/AAAAAAAAEvw/eLToNYsO8MU/s1600/Autumn4.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_3qLww_pMgNw/TJTazenbg7I/AAAAAAAAEvw/eLToNYsO8MU/s400/Autumn4.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5518276021362328498" border="0" /></a><br /><br />4. Being able to sleep as long as I needed during my sick leave until now I'm fully well again.<br /><br />5. Imagining raking up the dead leaves into one huge pile and taking pics of that pile of dead leaves sometime on my free days during the upcoming weeks - it'll be the FIRST time ever that I've ever done such a thing in my entire life. I'm SO excited!!!<br /><br />6. Hubby let me eat the last cup of chocolate pudding. (FYI: I bought 4 cups and ate 2 cups, but when the last cup was still in the fridge, I asked hubby if he wanted it or not and he said, "Nah, you can have it 'coz you like it so much.")<br /><br />7. Cooking lasagna together with hubby 'coz I can't make the cheese sauce as well as he does and then eating it together while it's still hot.<br /><br />8. Holding hands with hubby every time we watch TV or a movie together.<br /><br />9. Being able to save money during the time I've been having this part-time job (and hopefully it continues).<br /><br />10. Riding my bicycle. 'Coz I can't drive a car, it's very handy for me to be able to ride my bike to work and supermarkets.<br /><br />OK, I think that's long enough. I'm going to pass on this award to: <a href="http://findjoynow.blogspot.com/">jrs</a>.<br /><br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-6404758491651051358?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-11584618450109257312010-09-03T21:54:00.005+03:002010-09-03T22:46:20.963+03:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">One of my close friends is going to TTC next year and these days when she plans future trips, she often adds, "Well, that's if I haven't gotten pregnant by then" or "<span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 153);">BUT</span> if I get pregnant before then, it means I have to change my plans."<br /><br />After reading similar sentences a few times, I felt a <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 153);">tug</span> in my heart. I was made <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 153);">uneasy</span> by that tug 'coz I wasn't sure if it was jealousy/envy or something like that, so I did some <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 153);">soul-searching </span>and realized that it was actually something else.<br /><br />That type of sentence took me back to my <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 153);">pre-IF days</span>, when we were just starting TTC, when we were still a tad afraid of "losing our freedom" if we had gotten pregnant so easily. I was reminded of a time when I felt that I would be pregnant that very month, when I still often thought about how our child might look like with a hopeful heart and a smile on my face (not with a heart filled with 10% hope, 30% dread that I might get disappointed that month and that would trigger the all-familiar roller-coaster IF storm, 60% doubt that it'll ever happen). I was taken back to the <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 153);">innocent pre-IF days</span> and it made me feel sentimental.<br /><br /><center><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl4.glitter-graphics.net/pub/59/59894yyhdfuqv3x.jpg" border="0" height="299" width="185" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:78%;"><a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></span></center><br /><br />It reminds me of how much IF has changed me and that I can't go back to my innocent pre-IF days. During my pre-IF days, <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 153);">hope</span><span style="color: rgb(153, 255, 153);"> </span>seemed like a flower blossoming so beautifully in summer, enticing me to smell it and bask in its scent and beauty. After facing IF, hope still looks like a blossoming flower, but 'coz I've been<span style="color: rgb(153, 255, 153);"> </span><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 153);"><span style="color: rgb(153, 255, 153);">pricked</span> </span>over and over by its thorns until I<span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 153);"> <span style="color: rgb(153, 255, 153);">bled</span></span><span style="color: rgb(153, 255, 153);"> </span>so much, I'm afraid of coming too close to it, so I'm just admiring it from afar. It's still there, it's not dead, yet I'm getting too scared of it. During my pre-IF days, I didn't even realize that the flower had <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 153);">thorns</span>. Strange but true...<br /><br />Anyway, that was the essence of the tug in my heart that I felt when I read my friend's sentence. As usual, it feels great to finally understand what went on when I read her emails. For all its worth, through IF I've met so many other people that I wouldn't have known before. I've also learnt so many things along the way that I wouldn't have learnt before, for example: I know more now than ever that I've picked the right guy to be my husband. So, IF, <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 153);">THANK YOU</span> for having let me understand a world that I never would have understood otherwise.<br /><br /><center><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl3.glitter-graphics.net/pub/1549/1549783mci37ldxrs.gif" border="0" height="100" width="100" /></a><br /></center></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-1158461845010925731?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-76960214120671157152010-08-28T22:12:00.006+03:002010-08-28T22:27:53.402+03:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">Had this thought the other day: "The world of IF to others who aren't in it or who have never been in it must've felt like being told about the synopsis of a <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 255);">VERY thick book (or a very long, winding movie)</span> written in a <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 255);">foreign, weird language</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 255);">.</span> The book itself must seem to have such a <span style="color: rgb(153, 255, 153);"> </span><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 255);">strange plot and theme</span></span><span style="font-family:verdana;"> that makes it </span><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 255);">SO hard</span> for them to digest 'coz they only get a glimpse of the it. Thus it's common to hear classic responses or assvices whenever we share our stories to them."<br /><br />I remember after I've shared some of my ups and downs to my closest friends in emails, one of them admitted that before I had told them about my innermost battles, she had <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 255);">NO clue</span> about this IF world and she was sure that others who never knew or heard about this world also had <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 255);">NO clue</span><span style="color: rgb(153, 255, 153);"> </span>and that made them say "the wrong words" to us. She also told me that even after everything I told her, this IF world is still largely unknown, bizarre, too dark to comprehend at times.<br /><br />I <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 255);"><span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 255);">TRULY</span> </span>appreciate her words 'coz they've opened up my mind even more to those who have <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 255);">NEVER </span>even heard anything about this IF world and how crazy it can be to us who are in it. I'm <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 255);">thankful</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 255);"> </span>to have close friends who try to understand and who asked me what kind of support I wanted to have (what kind of words I wanted to hear to make me feel supported by them). Though they can't really understand me fully, at least I know they're there for me whenever I need them.<br /><br /><center><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl9.glitter-graphics.net/pub/819/819139ghbt5o72td.gif" border="0" height="300" width="450" /></a><br /><a href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></center><br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-7696021412067115715?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-18597261892892330962010-08-24T19:06:00.003+03:002010-08-24T19:16:25.292+03:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">Well, in this post I just want to share why we aren't really sure about adoption. First of all, I think we're still hanging on to the hope of <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">"passing our genes"</span> to our kids and we don't know yet when we're going to let go of that hope.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Another thing that makes adoption a bit less of our option is <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">hubby's age</span>. 'Coz of the wonderful social benefits in Finland for mothers-to-be and parents and the fact that education is almost free for kids here, it would be (almost) impossible to find an abandoned baby here. So it means Finnish people (who want to adopt) adopt kids from abroad. I've read online that other countries have different maximum age difference requirements between the adopted baby and the adoptive parents. Hubby turns 40 next year and many countries have set the <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 153);"><span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">max. age difference</span> </span>to be 35 years old or at the most 40 years old.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Considering the fact that it takes around <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">1.5 or 2 years</span> to get an adoptive child, it means we can't get small babies (at the youngest, we'll probably get a 2-year-old)...and 'coz we're not even sure about adoption yet, the longer we wait, the less likely we are to adopt 'coz we both think it's better to adopt younger babies than older children.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">So I'm not really sure if we'll ever adopt 'coz of the above reasons...</span><br /><br /><center><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl2.glitter-graphics.net/pub/1181/1181192mdpupfwgq3.gif" border="0" height="79" width="93" /></a></center><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-1859726189289233096?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-36695428687120746002010-08-23T15:06:00.007+03:002010-08-26T17:15:01.165+03:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">The other night I had another talk with hubby, just to make sure we were on the same page in our infertility journey. I asked him if he still wanted kids and he said yes. Then I asked if he had ever thought about adoption and he also said yes. I then explained to him a little bit about adoption articles I've read.<br /><br />Even though it was such a late night conversation, he paid total attention to me. I knew he was tired already and that he had to get up early to work the next day (whereas I didn't have to get up early 'coz I didn't have any work shift the next day), but I felt that he wanted to make sure I was OK. He gave me his <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);"><span style="color: rgb(153, 255, 153);">full attention</span> </span>and more...he also kept on kissing me, holding me tightly in between our talks...and telling me that he loved me.<br /><br />I also asked what he felt if we would never have any kids - whether our own or adopted ones. He said it was fine for him, then he asked me what would I feel about that possibility. I said that I had to accept it no matter what, 'coz life with him has been<span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 153);"> </span><span style="color: rgb(153, 255, 153); font-weight: bold;">INCREDIBLE</span> anyway.<br /><br />Feels nice to know <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 153);">we're on the same page</span>...the conversation continued to other fun topics and we were laughing for a while before we finally stopped talking in order to go to sleep.<br /><br />The conversation also made me feel more strongly what I'd always felt even before we met in real life. I knew he was the one for me no matter how ridiculous it might sound for others 'coz we had no proof of that. Now that we've been together for almost 4 years, I know that for a fact and especially after we started our infertility journey, that fact becomes clearer and clearer like the sun shining in a cloudless sky.<br /><br />Living for the rest of my life with hubby only is a beautiful prospect, though that doesn't mean I have stopped hoping to have our own babies, but I don't want to focus too much on that. I just want to focus more on the present...on cherishing my time with hubby...'coz we'll never know when death comes to pick us up and <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 153);">I don't want to miss a thing...Love you, bunny...<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 153);">P.S. To read on why adoption isn't really preferable for us, click here: </span><a href="http://serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com/2010/08/why-not-adopt.html">Why Not Adopt?</a><br /></span><br /><center><object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/zw5pAshxY80?fs=1&amp;hl=fi_FI"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/zw5pAshxY80?fs=1&amp;hl=fi_FI" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" height="344" width="425"></embed></object></center><br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-3669542868712074600?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-51944206304068449822010-08-08T17:03:00.002+03:002010-08-08T17:21:34.151+03:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">My period started yesterday, so I had nothing else to wait. Today I sent the job application letter that I had been postponing. How did I feel yesterday? A tad sad and disappointed, but the sadness didn't really sting. However, it did remind me of <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">the hole</span> I have in my heart.<br /><br />While driving back from my in-laws' place, the sun was shining through the trees from the side and I asked <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">God</span>, "Is this Your way of letting me know that You're warming up that hole in my heart? If then, let me bask in the glory of Your warmth..."<br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl2.glitter-graphics.net/pub/386/386262h9g9og04hb.gif" border="0" height="100" width="100" /></a></span><br /></div><span style="font-family:verdana;"><br />Today while browsing through Facebook, I did feel those <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">twinges of "loss" </span>again while looking at my friends' babies' pictures. <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">How fortunate </span>of them to have been able to have SO many precious moments with those little angels! I guess it's pretty normal to feel the loss over and over and over again.<br /><br />I think <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">one frustrating aspect</span> of IF is that when you feel the loss, you're grieving and it feels as if you were an <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">ungrateful</span> person 'coz after all, there have been <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">SO many other blessings</span> in life. However, those blessings don't cover the hole in the heart, does it? A loss is a loss is a loss no matter what. <span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(51, 255, 51); font-weight: bold;">You've gotta give yourself time to grieve. </span><br /><br />The longer I live, the more I feel that some wounds can't be fully/totally healed. <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">They're going to haunt you forever.</span> Granted, it gets easier as time goes by and with God's help, you'll learn and master the art of serenity and grace, but that doesn't mean the shadows won't still be there, surprising you with their presence every once in a blue moon.<br /><br />Yesterday it crossed my mind that perhaps it would have been "nice" if I could just sterilize myself and "get over with it". No more mind games. No more unexpected rides on the roller-coaster IF. But then again I realize that I still haven't totally given up yet. Not yet. I guess only time will let me give up on my own as I grow too old to have our own kids.<br /><br />Well, the good news is that my logic's still going strong. Yesterday I felt a relief knowing that we can still make plans to go visit my parents in Indo next year. Had I gotten pregnant this month, that meant I wouldn't have been able to go back to Indo next year.<br /><br />But still...I'm going to let myself <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">mourn over the loss</span> of the moments-that-could-have-been-ours: the first tooth, the first step, the first word, and the list goes on...I miss you, my imaginary babies...<br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl4.glitter-graphics.net/pub/353/353164vbr6snmhmm.jpg" border="0" height="101" width="101" /></a></span><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-5194420630406844982?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-15866260039006684952010-08-06T20:16:00.003+03:002010-08-06T20:26:40.380+03:00<span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">Logic versus heart. </span>Maybe that's the conclusion for this upcoming post. After having gotten myself used to the idea of living together with hubby for the rest of our lives, hearing my friends' problems raising their young children makes me think more and more of the positive sides of living childless and I've started thinking that our current life is <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">SO</span> beautiful.<br /><br />However, after "<span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">being unexpectedly</span> thrown back on the wild roller-coaster ride of IF", it seems that my heart still longs to be a mother. I guess it's pretty normal, but it feels weird to have both sides existing inside of me: my logic tells me that we have had <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">SO many</span> more blessings than we could ever have dreamed of, yet my heart is dying to give my husband a child that is his own flesh and blood.<br /><br />Just yesterday I had a flash of getting a positive HPT and then showing it to him. <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">Crazy</span>, I know! But at least 'coz my logic is still going strong, I'm not really flying on clouds number nine just 'coz my period hasn't started yet. Instead, my logic keeps me tied up to the ground and I think it's good to keep it that way.<br /><br />Anyway, I just want to record this phase in my IF journey and if someone can relate to this, I hope that person will let me know 'coz I find this phase interesting he he...<br /><br /><center><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl4.glitter-graphics.net/pub/1008/1008364uzoc5jtr8i.jpg" border="0" height="282" width="420" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:78%;"><a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></span></center><br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-1586626003900668495?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-77465832658341252302010-08-03T17:55:00.009+03:002010-08-03T18:56:31.775+03:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">My friend who has PCOS (who was the catalyst of my <u><a href="http://ailema4ever.blogspot.com/2009/12/meltdown.html">breakdown</a></u> last December) has finally given birth to a healthy baby girl. What do I feel about this? <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">PURE JOY!!! </span>Nothing else, <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">THANK GOD!!!</span> I was even able to be there for her during one check-up a week before the baby was born 'coz she was so afraid that they would induce her and I managed to infuse her with positive thoughts. It felt <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">GREAT</span> to be a sounding board for her without any negative thoughts about me, myself, and I.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">However, another <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">weird thing</span> has happened again...yeah, my brain has been messing up again with the thought of being pregnant. For some reason even before I got news about my friend's baby's birth, my twisted brain has been "telling me" about that I might get pregnant this month. Crazy, right?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">The brain has been telling me that during the 2ww (actually longer than 2ww 'coz my cycle is longer than 30 days) I've been producing so much mucus (more than usual) and my appetite has been over the top, yadda yadda yadda...but now that it's bugging me so much, I can't help but to postpone sending a job application letter 'coz if I am pregnant, then there's no way they'd hire me anyway and I would even reconsider doing this kind of job that I'm about to apply for. I mean, after all it's not <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">THAT</span> easy to get myself pregnant in the first place, so I'm not going to do any physical work that I think may endanger my pregnancy.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">You see? <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">Crazy thoughts </span>again...Well, at least this time those thoughts don't come with envy or bitterness towards others. However, I'd sometimes<span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);"> REALLY </span>like to push a stop button so that I can get down from this tiring roller-coaster ride - just as I thought I had stopped riding it, here I go again...</span><div style="text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102);"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl10.glitter-graphics.net/pub/785/785010p57hxs05d6.gif" border="0" height="111" width="80" /></a></span><br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);font-family:verdana;" ><span style="color: rgb(153, 255, 255);">P.S. One time I was tempted to browse through "pregnancy symptoms" again, but I managed to stop myself even before that thought fully developed in my head. Even though I may not be able to stop myself from riding the roller-coaster of hell, I can still control some other things.</span> <span style="font-weight: bold;">GO, ME!!!</span></span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);font-family:verdana;" ><span style="color: rgb(153, 255, 255);">P.P.S. I think </span><span style="font-weight: bold;">one of the most frustrating parts</span> <span style="color: rgb(153, 255, 255);">of infertility is that it doesn't seem as though we could really control ourselves so well - our feelings, our "crazy" thoughts, our obsession...despite our best effort, we still fail...maybe that's one reason why it feels so yucky...</span></span><br /></div></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-7746583265834125230?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-65699073729636238132010-07-23T23:19:00.005+03:002010-07-23T23:39:24.403+03:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">Dunno when I first started having these thoughts, but I suppose they developed over time after reading many articles...anyway, here goes:<br /><br />If I ever <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">THINK</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);"> </span>that I "deserve" to get pregnant and have children of my own more than some other people, this kind of thought only creates a vicious cycle 'coz then someone else can also ask me a similar question, "What makes me think I deserve to have such and such (house/opportunities/job/whatever) more than them?"<br /><br />Thus, if I want to ask that question (why I haven't been pregnant and given the opportunity to bear my own child), it's only fair for me to <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">ask God</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);"> </span>why I get <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">all the blessings</span> He's poured down upon me although I don't deserve all those things more than others who haven't been given all those things I've enjoyed...<br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl7.glitter-graphics.net/pub/2428/2428137i1sdlr3i3s.jpg" border="0" height="125" width="350" /></a></span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:verdana;font-size:78%;" ><a href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></span><br /></div><span style="font-family:verdana;"><br />In the end I can only shut up 'coz I sure don't know why I've been given all the blessings He's given me. All I know now is that He has the authority over our lives and that He doesn't owe me anything and after counting all the blessings instead of focusing over the problems, my heart is filled with gratitude. I still believe that He has the best plans for me, even though it may not seem that way, even when I don't understand, even when it seems like He has a deaf ear.<br /><br />And right now in my IF journey, I can write down with more certainty than ever that <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">God's grace</span> is really sufficient and His peace is beyond understanding. I would <span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204); font-weight: bold;">NEVER</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);"> </span>have been able to experience this kind of peace if it hadn't been for Him. I'm not saying that my wounds are completely healed. I still feel some degree of sadness every once in a while, but at least the pain is not as overwhelming as before and I'm getting more and more used to the idea of living together with hubby as a <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">COMPLETE FAMILY</span> for the rest of our lives. That idea becomes more and more beautiful as time goes by...:-D<br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl8.glitter-graphics.net/pub/596/596778r4unwvyq4c.gif" border="0" height="20" width="150" /></a></span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:verdana;font-size:78%;" ><a href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></span><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-6569907372963623813?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-41175378112622736282010-06-24T17:14:00.004+03:002010-06-24T17:38:08.983+03:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">Today had a chat with a friend. He said that he was going to have a second child next month. I felt <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 255, 102);">HAPPY</span> for him, but when he started asking the typical questions, I felt my defensive front rising up.<br /><br />As usual, he asked, "When are you going to have a child/children?"<br /><br />I said, "Go ask God and then tell me about it."<br /><br />He said, "Hey, I'm not a psychic. How can I know the future?"<br /><br />I said, "There you go...there's your answer. If you had asked when we would be making a baby, I could answer you, but if you ask me when we're going to actually have one, I can't answer that, can I?"<br /><br />He said, "OK, let me rephrase then: have you ever thought about wanting to have kids?"<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 255, 102);">Doh!!!</span> I'm getting tired of this type of question, but I was in a good mood, so I answered him anyway.<br /><br />I said, "We have been trying for 2 years now with no result."<br /><br />He asked, "Ah, we also had trouble with our second one. It took us a year and 7 months to get pregnant. We tried to time our intercourse every month to no avail, until eventually we gave up and just as we gave up, we got pregnant that month!"<br /><br />Yep, the <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 255, 102);">typical </span>insinuation from the good-intentioned people that "if you stop trying, you'll get pregnant".<br /><br />I simply replied, "Well, we've stopped actively trying already months ago."<br /><br />And just as prediction, the good-intentioned guy asked, "Have you checked yourselves up?"<br /><br />I explained to him our decision and then came the usual suggestion, "Why not try insemination or something like that? I know some friends have tried and it works for them."<br /><br />I was thinking at that time, "Yeah, sure, I know you have good intention and you probably want to tell me not to give up, but you <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 255, 102);">DO NOT KNOW FOR SURE</span> that children are God's plans for us."<br /><br />I managed to write, "Well, we've just decided that we don't want to try anything else 'coz I know some people who've tried everything, yet nothing works for them."<br /><br />And sure enough, he continued with <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 255, 102);">a dose of hope</span>, "I'm sure you'll have your own kid(s) someday."<br /><br />So I voiced my thought in a non-aggressive way, "Well, I've learnt to be thankful with or without kids. Besides, you'll never know if God really wants us to have kids or not, right?"<br /><br />He finally said, "Yes, you're right. God's plans are always the best and His help never comes late nor early."<br /><br />Yeah, yeah, can we change the subject now, please? was what I had in mind at that time. At least he didn't start asking the other typical question: "Why don't you adopt?" Then I'd definitely blew up ha ha ha...<br /><br />It seems to me that <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 255, 102);">good-intentioned people</span> want to:<br /><br />a. Know if we really do want kids or not.<br />b. If we do want kids and we have tried for a while without any result, then they would give us different pieces of advice on what to do.<br />c. If we have decided not to try anything or we've tried many things with no result, then they'd ask why we don't just adopt. ---> and it really amazes me that those people who have <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 255, 102);">NEVER </span>really had to even think about adoption are the ones who usually ask this question.<br />d. Then they'd usually end with a good dose of hope and or Biblical quotes: I'm sure you'll have kids someday, just think positively...yadda yadda yadda...<br /><br />Phew!!! Well, pardon me for having a defensive front. I'm having my PMS right now and I just need to vent. It was good enough that I could control myself and not use capitals in my replies to him or growl in text he he he...<br /><br />Anyway, on a positive note, I feel<span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"> HAPPY </span>that I manage not to kill any of my plant babies so far (thus proving it wrong that I'm a plant killer)...and hope that flowers will bloom sometime next month...<br /><br />A pic of my babies in our garden:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_3qLww_pMgNw/TCNr3Nb6ZsI/AAAAAAAAEj4/BCEPL7cRb8Q/s1600/Growmore.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_3qLww_pMgNw/TCNr3Nb6ZsI/AAAAAAAAEj4/BCEPL7cRb8Q/s400/Growmore.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5486347367311107778" border="0" /></a><br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-4117537811262273628?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-57574728927205416472010-06-06T15:49:00.006+03:002010-06-06T16:00:53.529+03:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">I <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">miss</span> the daycare kids, especially the ones who were closer to me than the others. I find myself reliving all the wonderful memories I've had with them. Well, one good thing is that the teacher told me I could come and visit them if I feel bored at home. So I can always visit them sometime later, though it won't be the same, but still...<br /><br />Just now I have this voice in my head saying these words:<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(153, 255, 255); font-weight: bold;">"My hope doesn't lie in the thought/belief that I will have my own children someday. My hope lies in the knowledge and belief that He will sustain me no matter what. His grace is sufficient and it is beyond understanding. My hope lies in the knowledge that He cares and He knows my feelings and He can and has healed my bleeding wounds and if there are other bleeding wounds in the future, He can and will heal them."</span><br /><br />And that is enough for me, even if no kid will ever be my own.<br /><br /><center><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl10.glitter-graphics.net/pub/2161/2161910h17tbkwycx.gif" border="0" height="214" width="178" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:78%;"><a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></span></center><br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-5757472892720541647?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-50020312399992587152010-06-01T23:43:00.003+03:002010-06-01T23:57:38.594+03:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">Yesterday I said goodbye to the kids at the daycare and <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">THANK GOD</span> I didn't shed any tears. They made me a farewell card and the teacher gave me a little gift and we hugged and she told me to come by anytime I felt bored at home.<br /><br />I'm glad that I could let go peacefully. It helped <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">A LOT</span> that I had had my period a few days before the farewell day and that the kids who were closest to me weren't there that day - some of them have started their summer holiday with their parents.<br /><br />Right now my future is a complete sheet of blank paper. Because I can't do this type of training anymore, my choices are starting my own business, going back to school (or more like applying to go back to school next month if they are still accepting students to enroll), or try to find a job. However, I'm <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">NOT </span>going to think about anything yet 'coz I just want to enjoy the present. I want to just enjoy summer and do a major clean-up of the house as well as learn how to plant seeds.<br /><br />Anyway, speaking of <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">infertility</span>, I think I haven't written about this one <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">negative thought </span>that occurred when I was so down while battling infertility. Due to the fact that I was so bad at taking care of some cactus that my MIL gave me, my brain attacked me with this thought: "Just look at how incapable you are at taking care of the cactus. No wonder God hasn't given you any kids 'coz you're not even able to take care of the kind of plant which is supposed to be easy to take care of."<br /><br />Yeah, <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">extreme self-blame</span> as an effort to understand the whys and the wherefores. I'm glad I've stopped asking why. The quest to find out the answer(s) of that question is an impossible one.<br /><br />Right now I'm just savoring all the memories I've had with the kids at the daycare. Goodbye is a natural phase of life - sometimes it's a forced occasion, sometimes not. I'm just going with the flow, <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">trying to enjoy each season of life</span> as best as I can.<br /><br /><center><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl5.glitter-graphics.net/pub/494/494405eokt4hy9fq.gif" border="0" height="281" width="225" /></a><br /><a href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></center><br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-5002031239999258715?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-37748302074384281042010-05-09T00:00:00.002+03:002010-05-09T00:13:24.323+03:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">Yep...not going to think of the last day when I have to say goodbye to the kids at the daycare. I'm just going to believe that I'll be fine 'coz I've got so many people praying for me so that I can control my tears in front of the kids. They're "on a loan" for a short period of time only - the <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">angels</span> that are funny, cute, challenging, creative, smart, witty - and when it's time to part with them, it's time to part with them.<br /><br />One friend of mine said that even if I could have continued my training there, I would have to part with the kids anyway at one point. She was right. Rather than focusing too much on my loss, I should just think of all the fond memories I've created with the kids. And I've been playing out those memories in my head - all those beautiful memories with them.<br /><br />I've learned that it feels <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">SO GOOD </span>to be able to hold a child in your arms - even if that child is not your own child. Especially if that child is not your own child and he or she asks you to hold him/her in your arms. And to hear his/her laughter when I twirl them around is just such a heartwarming blessing that I never thought I could have. To have a child kiss and lick my cheeks unexpectedly...to have a child ask me to read a book...to have a child ask me to tie her hair up...to be able to have a sneak peek into a mother's life...<span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">such precious experiences</span>.<br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl8.glitter-graphics.net/pub/678/678928rgvgeadgkw.jpg" border="0" height="100" width="100" /></a></span><br /></div><span style="font-family:verdana;"><br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 255, 0);">Note to self:</span> I shall <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">NOT</span> deny any sorrow or grief and<span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);"> </span><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">I WILL</span> let myself have enough time to grieve, but <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">I WILL NOT</span> let myself drown in my sorrow or grief. If I can't get out of that mud hole myself,<span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 255, 51);"> <span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">I WILL</span></span> get help.<br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-3774830207438428104?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-7041809476623236662010-05-02T14:13:00.005+03:002010-05-02T14:28:20.579+03:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">Yeah, the stab of longing is back after I hadn't felt it in a long while. During our two-week holiday in Rhodes, I saw <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">MANY MANY</span> pregnant women, but at that time I still didn't feel any stab of longing. I was happy to see their bulging bellies and glowing aura. Now I know why I felt happy for them. It was 'coz I was still thinking that I could continue doing my training at the daycare once my current training contract was over. So in my mind during that holiday, I thought that I'd still have at least 4 more months with the kids at the daycare instead of only one more month left.<br /><br />Now that I know I <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">can't continue</span> doing the training there after asking about this possibility to the employment office, I feel robbed of the joy I've had with the kids there. It's frustrating and sad to know that even though the daycare boss has given me the green light to continue helping out there, but the employment office has the final say. It's sad to know that I only have one month left with the kids and then I have to say goodbye to them.<br /><br />It's frustrating to know that this has to end now that I know already all their names and their personalities and they've grown to know me better too. It's tough to let go 'coz some of them are getting more and more attached to me. Yesterday when it was time to help the kids take a nap, I wanted to cry, knowing that I only had one month left to spend with them. Sigh...<br /><br />This fact made me feel that stab of longing when I saw my friend's baby picture in Facebook. When I still thought I could continue doing the training at the daycare, I could look at baby or pregnancy pics in Facebook happily, joyfully, without any stabs of longing...but I'm gonna hold on to the <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">belief</span> that if one door closes, another one opens or if there's no open door, there must be at least an open window. And I don't want to be the one who keeps on staring at the closed door so that I don't even realize the existence of other open doors/windows, no matter how painful it is to let go...<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Letting go is so hard</span>...I feel that I've been getting more and more lessons in terms of letting go. But then again, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? Gotta just make the choice to accept what I can't change and be creative in the meantime.<br /><br />P.S. Heaven help me so that on my last day at the daycare, I <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);"><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">WILL NOT</span> </span>cry in front of the kids so that they won't feel confused. God, I'm <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">BEGGING YOU</span><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);"> </span>not to let me cry in front of them!!!<br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl2.glitter-graphics.net/pub/899/899622cm83i07ohm.gif" border="0" height="220" width="176" /></a></span><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:verdana;font-size:78%;" ><a href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></span><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-704180947662323666?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-30995771810165901692010-04-07T16:46:00.005+03:002010-04-07T17:01:11.433+03:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">I was talking to an IF friend about the fact that we had stopped "actively" trying to have a baby. She said she had also reached that point, but she still got annoyed at all the ass-vices and questions that "good intentioned" and or "nosy" people directed at her. After all, in Indo it's pretty common for people to ask questions about babies 'coz it's still <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">"taboo"</span> for couples to live together before marriage and when they do get married, they're "expected" to have babies soon. But then again if they get a baby "too fast", they'll also be talking about it behind their backs. Indo society is still like that.<br /><br />I live in Finland and the culture here is different, so I'm rather safe from other people's questions and ass-vices. However, I'm<span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);"> RELUCTANT</span> to go back to Indo now that we've been married for over 3 years 'coz when I go back there again, I'd have to deal with my IF scars again and again and again. My parents' neighbours will definitely ask me about "when are you going to have a baby?" or "still no baby yet?" and even though we're not actively TTC anymore, that doesn't mean that such a question is a welcome.<br /><br />Just now I got an SMS from a friend who asked me (for the umpteenth time) when I'd get pregnant. I didn't feel the sting that I felt when he asked that question to me beforehand, so I just wrote back: <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 153);">"Only God knows whether I'm ever going to be a mother or not. </span>Right now I'm helping out at a daycare and I'm happy."<br /><br />Another ex-elementary school friend posted her baby's 4D ultrasound pics in Facebook and I told her that he looked like an angel. She then said, "Come on and make one quickly." I'm happy to say that I was in a good mood, so I didn't feel anything bad when I read her response. I just replied like this, "We're diligent in<span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 255, 255);"> </span><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">making it</span><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);"> </span>he he he..." However, if I lived in Indo and <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">MANY MANY </span>people kept on saying that to me, I may be bothered still. Or at least<span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 255, 255);"> <span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">fed up</span></span>.<br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl.glitter-graphics.net/pub/368/368921ucyk6odtr8.gif" border="0" height="50" width="50" /></a></span><br /></div><span style="font-family:verdana;"><br />I've been thinking about <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 153);">WHY</span> those well-intentioned and nosy people's questions might still bother us, even though we've surrendered to the possibility that maybe we'll never have our own kids. Here are some answers that I've found:<br /><br />1. When other people say "why don't we try this and that?", it makes us feel like there's something <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">WRONG</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);"> </span>with our state of "surrender". It <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">DOES </span>make sense that they want to "help" 'coz they'd naturally assume that we want to have kids, but when we've reached that point of surrender, when they keep on asking such a question, it feels like our decision is not respected.<br /><br />Reaching that decision alone has produced enough conflicting thoughts and emotions inside us, so listening to other people's questions only makes us feel defensive. Because in turn it makes us<span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 255, 255);"> <span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">FEEL</span></span><span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);"> </span>like we have to defend our decision and it's going to take <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">a LONG time</span> to explain to them why we've reached that decision and there's <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">NO guarantee at all</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);"> </span>that our long and winding explanation will make understand what we've been through. So that thought alone makes us frustrated, coupled with the fact that it's not our fave topic to share with others (why we've come to that decision), esp. if they're not really close with us.<br /><br />In Indo, the "easiest way" to answer this question would be, "Just keep on praying for us", but after being asked again and again and again, you'll get fed up anyway and would want to pretend not to hear that question.<br /><br />2. Somehow when other people insinuate that we should do "more" to be able to conceive, it makes us feel as though we're <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">NOT ENOUGH</span> in society's eyes, like there's something that we need to <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">FIX</span>. They don't understand that just the two of us can be a complete family already, <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">EVEN IF</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);"> </span>at first we had also shared with them that we wished to have kids.<br /><br />That's all I can come up with for now...we'll see if I can find other reasons later on.<br /><br />P.S. <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 153);">LOVE</span> this graphic below!!! God does answer prayers in many ways, sometimes in ways that we don't like he he...<br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl2.glitter-graphics.net/pub/385/385622cp4pz5vnmn.gif" border="0" height="164" width="305" /></a></span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:verdana;font-size:78%;" ><a href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></span><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-3099577181016590169?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-86044815801742253612010-03-28T20:08:00.003+03:002010-03-28T20:29:06.255+03:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">The other day had a chat with one close friend who's still single. She avoided any talk about IF 'coz she knew how badly it affected me in the past and she didn't want to see me hurt. During the chat, I managed to tell her that I was doing <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">MUCH MUCH better</span> now and that talking about IF wouldn't do me any harm.<br /><br />She then confided that when I was down in my battle with IF, it crossed her mind that in a way, she was also "an infertile" 'coz she couldn't possibly have kids without having a hubby first. (Well, of course in reality she CAN do that if she wants to, but her Mom and family members would probably be against it.) She said that she didn't want to tell me that she also felt down thinking about her own situation when I was telling her about my IF battle 'coz she didn't want me to have any extra burden of thought other than the ones I had when I was down.<br /><br />Now that I'm at this stage of <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">almost-full surrender </span>(read: I don't talk anymore about baby programs nor do I think of future plans involving babies, but when AF is near, I still harbor the feeling of not wanting it to come. I can also feel <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">VERY HAPPY</span> for other IFers who get pregnant without questioning God about anything. I've also felt OK thinking about the future without kids even to the point that I believe life'll still be as beautiful, if not more), it's clearer to me that the impact of IF is really <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">widespread</span>. I know at least one married close friend who felt <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">guilty</span> for not wanting to have kids yet when I confided to her my darkest moments when facing IF.<br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl2.glitter-graphics.net/pub/1473/1473322uddjsg9hxa.jpg" border="0" height="212" width="300" /></a></span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:verdana;font-size:78%;" ><a href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></span><br /></div><span style="font-family:verdana;"><br />I have stopped feeling guilty about many things and I'm more wary now about putting unnecessary guilt on my shoulders. That doesn't mean to say that I don't care about my friends' feelings, but I hope that through my struggle, they can also find their peace - just as I have found my peace.<br /><br />Talking about work, I had <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">a very sweet moment</span> before I went back home last Friday. Just as I was saying goodbye to all the kids, one of them ran towards me to give me a hug. Naturally I knelt down so that it would be easier for her to hug me. Upon seeing us, three other kids jumped in to give us a group hug and one of them started giggling and saying, "You can't go home, you can't go, you can't go" and the other two chimed in (giggling all the way). I almost fell down 'coz of the group hug and they wouldn't let me go for quite some time he he he he...Finally they did let me go, though...and my heart was <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">SO full of gratitude...</span><br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl4.glitter-graphics.net/pub/1059/1059754l61at5thu4.gif" border="0" height="100" width="80" /></a></span><br /></div><span style="font-family:verdana;"><br />I've started wondering these days who needs who more: <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">the kids or me?</span> Maybe now I need them more than they need me, 'coz they just melt my heart with their unexpected hugs and warmth. And it feels even better 'coz I know they have no "hidden agenda" when they give me warmth and hugs. It's just because they feel like it. Mmmmm...life is really beautiful...<br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-8604481580174225361?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-21737006817241488902010-03-23T20:13:00.003+02:002010-03-23T20:25:07.542+02:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">Today I received some <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">hugs </span>from some kids at the daycare when I told them "see ya tomorrow". One of them ran towards me, so I knelt down and she "jumped" into my arms and another one followed suit. I didn't expect that, so it was a nice surprise. When another one saw what had happened, he came close and gave a quick hug, which made me topple over backward. I managed to push a small table when I toppled over due to the impact of those kids' hugs.<br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl9.glitter-graphics.net/pub/472/472169vh12cujfeh.gif" border="0" height="132" width="152" /></a></span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:verdana;font-size:78%;" ><a href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></span><br /></div><span style="font-family:verdana;"><br />This incident made me feel <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">SO warm</span> inside, but at the same time I felt a pinch in my heart, in that hidden corner of my heart. This hidden corner echoed this thought: "It feels SO great to receive hugs from other people's kids, how much more <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">WONDERFUL</span> it'd be to get them from your own children!"<br /><br />Gasp!!! I went to my locker and was almost crying. Dang!!! And I'm not even having my PMS 'coz I'm having my last day of menstruation today. I dread the day when my training ends at this daycare 'coz it's gonna take so much strength to be able to stop myself from crying when I have to say goodbye to these kids. Ugh...Heaven help me when that day arrives 'coz I don't want to cry in front of them - they may be confused and worried if they see me cry and then I would end up crying even more - which would make them feel even more worried!<span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);"> ARGH!!!! </span><br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl4.glitter-graphics.net/pub/444/444914kf3lbt8439.jpg" border="0" height="106" width="106" /></a></span><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-2173700681724148890?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-82340855846238260332010-03-12T23:45:00.007+02:002010-03-18T19:45:03.464+02:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">The other day I heard from a friend about our mutual friend's 3rd miscarriage. She's 39 years old and she has a 2-year-old daughter. The first pregnancy went very well, so it was shocking to hear that she's had 3 miscarriages within a year (or even a little less than a year). I can't imagine how she feels, but I can relate to the feeling of having to mourn over and over and over again.<br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl2.glitter-graphics.net/pub/660/660112z4jlkiohhq.jpg" border="0" height="100" width="78" /></a></span><br /></div><span style="font-family:verdana;"><br />One thought came across my mind when I heard the news: "I'm <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">GLAD</span> I haven't been pregnant during the time she's been trying to have a second child." This was a rather peculiar thought IMO, as though my un-pregnancy state would somehow made her feel better.<br /><br />I hope gynos can figure out what's wrong with her 'coz she didn't have any problem during her first pregnancy (and she got pregnant within 6 months already) and I still hope that she can get pregnant again and carry it full term.<br /><br />About the work front: After helping out at the daycare for 2 weeks (where I don't get any salary except for some unemployment benefit from the government), I'm not sure anymore if I'm meant to be a mother to be honest. In a different way, I realize how <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">TOUGH</span> it is to parent a child. Although there have been <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">WONDERFUL</span>, heartwarming moments, there are times I'm confused as to what to do and I just hope there are guide books. I know the fact that my friends who are mothers also struggle with finding out the best ways to deal with their kids and hone their potential.<br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl7.glitter-graphics.net/pub/2542/2542517mno0k2cm1f.jpg" border="0" height="300" width="300" /></a></span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:verdana;font-size:78%;" ><a href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></span><br /></div><span style="font-family:verdana;"><br />Funnily enough, that does <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">NOT</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);"> </span>stop me from wishing that my period wouldn't come, although I didn't feel disappointed when my period did finally come.<br /><br />Anyway, one other thing that came into my head after helping out at the daycare was this: "</span><span id="profile_status" style="font-family:verdana;"><span id="status_text">It's amazing to think of the <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">responsibility and honour</span> to be able to find out each child's potential and hone it." It just is. To be able to influence a child's life and help him/her bloom is a wonderful opportunity, but in order to do that, one has to understand the child first.<br /></span></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-8234085584623826033?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-38509335719266023792010-03-01T17:24:00.002+02:002010-03-01T17:39:49.024+02:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">Today was the first day of training in a daycare. I met around 10 kids altogether, all speaking Finnish. They are 4-5 years old. It's interesting to see their different personalities even on the first day. Some are more aggressive than others, some are very shy, some are very sweet.<br /><br />But that's not what I want to record here. Today I also met <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">a fellow IF</span>. It's the teacher in the classroom where I was helping out. She is 20 years older than me. She asked me my age at some point and then she asked whether I had kids. When I said, "Not yet" she then said that she didn't have kids, either. She's been married for 30 years without any success. She did get pregnant once, but had a miscarriage. Then she added, "But it's okay 'coz I work in a daycare and I get to meet lots of kids daily."<br /><br />When I first met her and I saw how she handled the kids, I was honestly thinking that she was probably a mother with at least a few kids of her own 'coz it all looked SO natural and she really knew what to do or say to control the kids and she just knew how to soothe them...<span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">BOY was I WRONG!!! </span><br /><br />I sincerely lit up when I heard about her story (we were talking while supervising the kids), 'coz I felt, "Ah, that woman understands how I feel 'coz she's been there!"<br /><br />I must say that doing this training in a daycare brings joy to me, too, but it does also tickle a part of me that thinks: "Hmmm...I wonder how they can touch me even more deeply if they were my kids?" But gladly that question didn't open up the wormhole of other questions. I just feel happy and excited to be helping out in this place, esp. 'coz there's a very sweet boy there and one of them asked me, "Are you coming again tomorrow?" after I said goodbye when my work was done he he he...<br /><br />It's <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">amazing</span> to feel those places inside me that those kids could touch just with their simple words or hugs or their funny actions. I've never found it elsewhere - maybe this is what IFers long for...that <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">sugary-sweet-mushy-mushy</span> feelings that only kids can bring about.<br /><br /><center><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl9.glitter-graphics.net/pub/989/989079cgogzq72de.gif" border="0" height="250" width="250" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:78%;"><a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></span></center><br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-3850933571926602379?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-59351950067498296142010-02-27T00:09:00.000+02:002010-02-27T00:41:49.062+02:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">After reading many blogs and experiencing IF myself, there's plenty of voices echoing similar themes. One of them is the "Pain Olympics". I'm not going to write about the Pain Olympics here, but just a simple question about the strong desire I felt when I was feeling low while battling IF: that feeling that I wanted to let the WHOLE world knows about how shitty, grimy, and dark it was.<br /><br />I think one big reason is that IF causes silent grief/sorrow/pain - the kind that other people who haven't experienced it would never understand, especially 'coz there aren't many non-IFers out there who would voluntarily be looking for info about the ups and downs of IFers (unless perhaps one of their loved ones experiences IF - heck, I didn't even start looking until I was thrust into that category!). Thus this strong current of desire to <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">SHOUT OUT LOUD</span> to the world (to let them know how painful and twisted and crazy it can be) builds up within.<br /><br />Not many people understand either how <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">tricky</span> IF can be - that even after you "give up" and "stop", it can still haunt you and the wounds can still be so raw. Another problem is also that if you tell some people about this, they'll try to be helpful and in the end you'll end up feeling tired 'coz you have to explain your choices to them (and answer their questions) and depending on your mood, even their best attempts at trying to be helpful would push the wrong buttons inside you and that'll make you explode and the explosion would end up making you feel guilty and you just wished you hadn't told them about your battle but then it'd have made you felt so lonely and unsupported...yada yada yada...<br /><br />On the other hand, the other possibility is that after you lashed out on them, whenever you share your IF roller-coaster ride again, they'll be afraid to say anything and you'll end up feeling like you're talking to a wall and not being supported and you want to feel upset, but you know that it's not their fault 'coz they just don't want to say the wrong things by "being helpful".<br /><br />So in the end it's <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">so hard</span> to achieve a win-win situation when dealing with IF and the ugly repercussions it brings. Plus the world doesn't readily grieve with IFers as they grieve along with people who are gravely ill or people who've lost their loved ones.<br /><br />It's hard when you're grieving and hurting so much and you feel that it's unnoticed or it's not "valid" just because you don't actually lose something "real" in other people's eyes. I think maybe one reason why I felt that urge was 'coz I wanted to convince myself that the feelings I had was <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">valid</span>: that I wasn't crazy or overreacting (even if the pain comes again and again and again at different times), that it was normal to feel that way. Thank GOD for the internet 'coz it's helped me feel that I'm not alone!<br /><br />Anyway, I also find that people who have kids "normally/easily" don't understand the whole dynamics of what IF causes. It doesn't just affect <span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">my relationship with hubby</span>, but also <span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">my relationship with other people</span>, <span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">my relationship with God</span>, and also <span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">my relationship with myself</span>. It's hard to live with myself when I'm so full of anger, self-pity, sorrow, and pain, but on the other hand I can't deny all those feelings, either. I just have to accept whatever it is I'm feeling and deal with it.<br /><br />Anyway, I haven't really felt anything extreme lately after we had that talk, but God knows what'll happen in the future. I must say, though, that I'm relearning to <span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204); font-weight: bold;">love myself again</span>, to be my own best friend. I'm relearning to forgive myself and I think I'm doing a pretty good job 'coz I feel pretty light these days. :-D<br /><br /><center><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl5.glitter-graphics.net/pub/638/638145bltz6zqhdo.gif" border="0" height="28" width="34" /></a><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl5.glitter-graphics.net/pub/638/638145bltz6zqhdo.gif" border="0" height="28" width="34" /></a><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl5.glitter-graphics.net/pub/638/638145bltz6zqhdo.gif" border="0" height="28" width="34" /></a></center><br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-5935195006749829614?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-6609807006309422022010-02-26T18:01:00.000+02:002010-02-26T19:37:00.479+02:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">Today hubby was rearranging some stuff in our living room cabinets 'coz we just moved in to our new home at the end of January. He was moving some stuff when he decided to browse through our <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">wedding album</span><span style="color: rgb(204, 255, 255);"> </span>again. He had a joyful, sentimental smile on his face while he leafed through the album and then he said, "Oh look, what a cute girl!"<br /><br />He leafed through some more pages and said with a cheeky smile, "Lucky bastard!" (referring to himself jokingly)<br /><br />I smiled, too...after he finished browsing through the album, he came towards me (who was at that time lying down on our soft, comfortable sofa-bed) and hugged me and said, "I love you".<br /><br />I couldn't help the tears from flowing. It was a <a style="font-weight: bold;" href="http://ailema4ever.blogspot.com/2007/07/on-trust-and-relationship.html">LONG journey</a> for us until we could be together as husband-and-wife. With tears free-flowing on my cheeks, I hugged him, kissed him, and said, "I love you too. Look where are are now! I can't believe it's over 10 years ago when we first got in touch with each other through the internet."<br /><br />He let me go, looked me in my eyes, wiped my tears, and said, "Don't cry!"<br /><br />I replied, "But these are tears of joy. I'm just happy!"<br /><br />We hugged and kissed some more...moments like these are really precious...Looking back at what we've gone through to reach this point has made me realized how <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">ABUNDANT</span><span style="color: rgb(204, 255, 255);"> </span>God's blessings have been for us. And my heart is full of gratitude...because I have my beloved, precious hubby with me.<br /><br />I knew I loved him before I met him...I hope we can keep growing closer to each other as time goes by <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">NO MATTER WHAT</span> comes our way.<br /><br /><br /><center><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl2.glitter-graphics.net/pub/1623/1623282cpoyab59c7.gif" border="0" height="119" width="171" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:78%;"><a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></span></center><br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-660980700630942202?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-84717500779936844992010-02-25T14:32:00.001+02:002010-02-25T14:49:36.717+02:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">The other day I browsed through a Finnish forum on infertility 'coz I thought I'd also learn some Finnish that way. I found similar themes and expressions just like the kind of things I read in English IF blog posts.<br /><br />However, there was one thing that really reminded me of the power of words. In one particular discussion, this person that started it was simply letting out some steam by writing about her jealousy and bitterness when she saw other women's bulging bellies.<br /><br />Many other IFers empathized with this woman and they could relate to her, but there was one IFer who wrote something like this: <span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(204, 255, 255);">"I've been infertile all my life, but I never experience that kind of bitterness and jealousy. I think that if you feel that bitter and jealous, you're not a good mother material anyway, so it's good that you don't have kids."</span><br /><br />I don't understand why some people can write something like that, especially if they're having the same problem. Even if she didn't feel bitterness or jealousy didn't give her the right to say such a thing to <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">ANYONE</span> IMHO.<br /><br />I honestly think that even if there are plenty of negative, dark emotions when dealing with IF, it's also a very valuable experience 'coz I get to personally feel what I might not have been able to fathom otherwise. <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">Hopefully</span> by having felt this mixture of emotions, I'll then be able to empathize with others even more when they experience a similar wave of emotion and at least make them feel that they're not alone and that they can survive through the ugliness.<br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl6.glitter-graphics.net/pub/1220/1220216wgk6rogxhg.gif" border="0" height="199" width="262" /></a></span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:verdana;font-size:78%;" ><a href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></span><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-8471750077993684499?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-7792771661566854862010-02-22T15:59:00.000+02:002010-02-22T17:07:34.915+02:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">The other night before we fell asleep, I started "the talk" with hubby. Here's our convo:<br /><br />Me: "What's more important for you: being a Dad or having your own flesh-and-blood?"<br /><br />Hubby: "Dunno."<br /><br />Me: "Okay, how about this...do you still want to have kids?"<br /><br />Hubby was quiet...probably trying to think of how to answer the question without hurting my feelings (which I'm VERY grateful for!).<br /><br />Me: "Do you feel this way: 'If babies come, then they're very welcome, but if they don't come, then it's fine, too'?"<br /><br />Hubby: "Yes."<br /><br />Me: "Actually I also feel that way, 'coz I don't want to be obsessed anymore. Life's good, anyway, right?"<br /><br />Hubby: "Yes."<br /><br />I felt <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">GLAD</span> after we had our talk and I knew he felt glad too. I'm <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">HAPPY</span> 'coz we're on the same page and none of us needs to feel the burden of knowing that the other one is still so desperate in TTC.<br /><br />On the other hand, it still feels like there's this little voice in me asking, "Does it mean that we're giving up?" I certainly don't know. I mean, I do still have that wish to have a baby (esp. if I see pics of my friends' babies), but I start wondering if we're really meant to be parents. Well, at least our sex life has gotten <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">MUCH better </span>than when we were still so actively TTC (with no result) and we'd definitely continue making love 'coz sex is a part of marriage that we want to keep alive. Anyhow, even if we do look like we're giving up, it's our life and it's our choice, anyway, and other people should respect our decision.<br /><br />I'm <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">not</span> really waiting for God's timing or miracle anymore (at least these days I don't feel that way in terms of having a child/children). I'm just <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">holding on to Him</span>, knowing that He has the best plans for us. I do my best to <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">keep counting all </span>the little and medium and big <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">blessings </span>that He's poured upon us. I don't know what the journey will be like 'coz I have the feeling that it's still a long journey (after reading many blogs stating that even after they stop TTC due to age, they still feel some grief or sorrow left when they're reminded of their lost dreams) and this blog will be the witness of that journey. :-)))<br /><br /><center><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl.glitter-graphics.net/pub/166/166971gp6v5ncyr4.jpg" border="0" height="320" width="266" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:78%;"><a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></span></center><br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-779277166156685486?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-26680866286804683452010-02-18T17:45:00.000+02:002010-02-19T09:42:12.028+02:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">Had a break from the outside world (well, as much as I could anyway) including the blogosphere and Facebook 'coz I felt so tired. I took time off from delving deep within the realms of my brain and heart and busied myself with household chores. Only after that did I start ransacking everything to get to the root of the problems of why I felt so tired and why I felt like distancing myself from other human beings (except hubby and his family).<br /><br /><center><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl7.glitter-graphics.net/pub/1185/1185547nvaykyvb85.gif" border="0" height="98" width="80" /></a></center><br /><br />1. The problem started with my <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">self-defense mechanism</span> in dealing with IF. In order to avoid disappointment, heartache, sorrow, grief, I thought of myself as a bad candidate to be a mother by thinking of some "facts": e.g. when I went to my friend's place who has a 2-year-old, I didn't cut the fruits small enough for her and I also felt so "stupid" when I went to visit my family in Indo last year and I really didn't know how to handle my brother's 13-month-old son at first (though I did learn some tips and tricks along the way). The other problem was that I didn't realize that I was using this type of self-defense mechanism.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(153, 255, 153);">Note: The crazy thing was that this type of self-defense mechanism worked "pretty well" when dealing with the disappointment, sorrow, and grief that IF can bring. </span><br /><br />2. This self-defense mechanism became like a <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">virus</span> that<span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 255, 255);"> <span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">spread</span></span> through other aspects of my life. I belittled myself in other things, too: e.g. the fact that I don't have a career and I don't know what I want to do.<br /><br />I've always been <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">a planner</span> (used to be a MUCH worse long-term planner, but now I've learnt to be more flexible) and I was probably born a planner (and raised up by parents who are planners), so this "idealism" backfired when I feel like a "failure" ('coz I don't even know what to do or what I want to do).<br /><br /><center><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl7.glitter-graphics.net/pub/1883/1883517o2gifj5vkz.jpg" border="0" height="135" width="135" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:78%;"><a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></span></center><br /><br />3. Because I felt like a <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">"failure"</span> in the motherhood department, I wanted to compensate myself by telling myself subconsciously that I had to be the best that I could be in other areas of life (even if I can't become a mother). But I think I actually <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">over-compensated</span> the non-motherhood status 'coz my standards of "being the best that I could be" became much too idealistic for me to reach.<br /><br />Thus, I <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 255, 255);"><span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">berated myself</span> </span>whenever I felt reactive towards <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">ANYONE</span>. Whenever I felt a bad reaction or a negative thought or feeling toward anything (I read or saw) or anyone, I scolded myself. I didn't even realize this new "habit" of bullying myself until I felt that I hated every human interaction 'coz it made me feel so much negativity towards myself (which made sense considering the kind of idealism I had for myself by over-compensating the non-motherhood status).<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 153);">The result of all three: I felt like crap (black and blue from all the blows I gave to myself). I felt like I was such a bad specimen of a human being. </span><br /><br />I'm truly <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">GRATEFUL</span> for a friend's help for opening my eyes and making me realize the truth about false guilt and irrational guilt (if you read this, you know who you are). In the past, I had some irrational guilt, but I've never had them piled up this much before until I wanted to escape to a distant island and never be found again.<br /><br /><center><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl9.glitter-graphics.net/pub/481/481259h7n0wizzoa.gif" border="0" height="80" width="50" /></a></center><br /><br />I've asked my close friends to <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">pray</span> for me on this matter and I've been more aware of what comes out of my mind these days and I've been able to shut the bully up even before she finishes her sentences. It feels GOOD to take control again of my own brain. So prayers DO work. :-D I feel MUCH freer now and I can interact with other people again normally.<br /><br />P.S. I'm <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">HAPPY</span> to say that the other day I talked to my friend who's had PCOS (who had the <a href="http://ailema4ever.blogspot.com/2009/12/meltdown.html">miraculous pregnancy</a>) and I couldn't wait to hear about her pregnancy symptoms and news about her pregnancy in general. I'm happy 'coz I didn't ask "Why, God? When? How? Where did I go wrong? etc." when talking to her or even after talking to her. Heaven help me so that I can be this way later on, esp. when someone close to me gets pregnant. ;-D Nothing's impossible for God, so <span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204); font-weight: bold;">HALLELUJAH!!! </span><br /><br /><center><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl10.glitter-graphics.net/pub/520/520970xe95ltm8tq.gif" border="0" height="100" width="150" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:78%;"><a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></span></center><br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-2668086628680468345?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-48762537359690543952010-02-05T18:10:00.000+02:002010-02-05T18:12:39.278+02:00<span style="font-family: verdana;">I've been reading a manga series called "<a href="http://www.mangafox.com/manga/mars/v12/c000/87.html">Mars</a>" and these words struck a chord within me:<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 255, 255); font-weight: bold;">"When your heart is hurt, it's not about getting better or not getting better. It's about how you overcome it."</span><br /><br />It's true for many aspects of life, including IF. :-)))<br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-4876253735969054395?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-8659941975340456362010-02-05T10:35:00.000+02:002010-02-05T10:47:47.982+02:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">Stumbled upon <a href="http://www.rbc.org/bible-study/been-thinking-about/2010/03/01/column.aspx">this</a> today:<br /><br />Yet <u>it was not I</u> but God who was working through me by His grace” </span><span class="BTBodyReferencecaps" style="font-family:verdana;">(1 Corinthians 15:10)<br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:verdana;">Paul had learned that if he was going to brag, it would be about his weakness—for it was<span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);"> </span><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">in the middle of humanly unsolvable problems</span>, and even <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">in the middle of</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);"> </span>his own <span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204); font-weight: bold;">unanswered prayer</span><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 255, 153);">s</span>, that he heard <span style="color: rgb(204, 255, 255); font-weight: bold;">the Lord say</span>, “My grace is all you need. <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 255, 255);">My power works best in weakness</span>” (</span><span class="BTBodyReferencecaps" style="font-family:verdana;">2 Corinthians 12:9</span><span style="font-family:verdana;">).</span> <span style="font-family:verdana;"> Grace teaches us to say, “If you want to boast, boast only about the Lord” </span><span class="BTBodyReferencecaps" style="font-family:verdana;">(2 Corinthians 10:17</span><span style="font-family:verdana;">).</span><br /><br /><p style="font-family: verdana;" class="BTBodyINDENTNewBaskerv">As Paul reminds us, this is the grace that we discover only as we “count as loss” anything that would tempt us to put our confidence in ourselves rather than in Christ—in what He has done for us, and in what He, in His grace, wants to do in and through us today.<br /><br /></p><center><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_3qLww_pMgNw/S2vaclLTJ5I/AAAAAAAAENw/6CAYbeV6MmY/s1600-h/391089lj3bnyouce.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 291px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_3qLww_pMgNw/S2vaclLTJ5I/AAAAAAAAENw/6CAYbeV6MmY/s400/391089lj3bnyouce.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5434677559903332242" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Image taken from </span><a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/graphics/189256">here</a></span></center><p></p><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-865994197534045636?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-12644291643950452632010-02-04T17:34:00.000+02:002010-02-04T17:53:06.238+02:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">These days at least I've stopped having <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 255);">that question "why" </span>popping out in my brain. My logic tells me that it's a useless question to ask. It's true that while facing IF the unfairness of it all can be really overwhelming at times and whenever someone gets pregnant "easily" or whenever someone close has an "oops" pregnancy or even when another fellow IF gets pregnant "faster", the question will keep on nudging and torturing the wounds.<br /><br />It's a useless question 'coz I may never know the answer (maybe not in my lifetime, but maybe when I'm face-to-face with God). It's a useless question 'coz it is valid for anyone, even those who aren't facing IF. And when I think of it that way - that anyone else in this whole wide world can be justified to ask that question when that person sees my life or something in my life that they've been wanting but that they haven't got yet - it feels like watching a video clip where <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 255);">a dog is chasing its own short tail</span>. The dog keeps on running and running and running, but to no avail.<br /><br />I don't want to do that anymore. I quit chasing my own tail 'coz it gets me nowhere. It tires me, it frustrates me, and it makes me become "bitchy" towards other people, including my own hubby. I won't tolerate myself if I do that running-after-my-tail anymore. <span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 255); font-weight: bold;">No more, thank you very much.</span><span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span>That's a promise I make to myself.<br /><br /><center><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl2.glitter-graphics.net/pub/733/733852gbvugt5xt5.gif" border="0" height="320" width="240" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:78%;"><a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></span></center><br /><br />P.S. Today I had <span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 255); font-weight: bold;">an enlightenment</span> that has nothing to do with IF, but it really freed me. Before I reached this enlightenment, I'd felt frustrated 'coz I was reactive to some things people said, but now I know why I was that way. I knew it had nothing to do with them and there was something inside me that was causing it, but until today I didn't know what it was. Getting "aha moments" is one of my fave moments in the whole world 'coz I feel like I can see the world more clearly, the air is fresher, and the grass is greener HE HE HE...Yes!!!<br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-1264429164395045263?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-34004792101022792222010-01-29T10:53:00.000+02:002010-01-29T11:19:58.395+02:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">The other day when I gathered with two friends at one of their places, I realized something again. One of them has a 2-year-old daughter and in just that one occasion, it reminded me that I had no experience whatsoever with kids. I brought some fruit to make fruit salad and I cut them into pieces at her place and I "forgot" that there was a small kid there, so I cut them into bigger pieces - at least bigger than what a 2-year-old can handle. So the mother had to cut them into smaller pieces for her. I felt like saying, "Doh!" to myself and slap my forehead, you know?<br /><br />Sometimes occasions like this make me feel like I may not be suitable to be a mother. Yeah, <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">self-condemning </span>thought indeed...after all, there are many first time mothers out there who also probably don't know what to do until they have their own kids, I bet.<br /><br />The first time I felt this way was when I went back to Indo last October to visit my parents and brother. My brother had a 1-year-old son and when I met them, I realized how incapable I was to handle the child. Of course after a few days I learnt how everything was done in the household, so I knew my nephew's daily schedule already and we did play together and over time I felt more confident in holding him and such. However, it did make me feel bad to know that I knew nothing about taking care of kids.<br /><br />This kind of occasion makes me feel that I'll never be able to "join" <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">the elite group of mommies</span> until I become a mother myself (unless I work in a daycare or something that'll allow me to get more glimpses of how to take care of kids, I guess). How do I feel about that? I guess I feel left out in a way. I dare not give any advice (or ass-vice) to my friends who've got kids 'coz who am I? And I surely can't share with them about my success stories using this and that trick to deal with my kids 'coz I have not got any.<br /><br />I also feel somehow left out in this village 'coz I still haven't found my place. I still don't know what I want to become and I still don't know what kind of job/career I can have here. I try not to be stressed about it 'coz it'll only make things worse. I'm trying and learning to go with the flow and accept the things I can't change...I think I'm doing a good job so far - though there were times I felt like dark clouds were hanging over me. But life has been <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">GREAT</span> nonetheless. Not perfect, but still we have everything we need and more. I don't want to complain 'coz it'll only attract those dark clouds and I sure don't want to live like that.<br /><br />I've made a <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">commitment</span> to myself to enjoy every season of life no matter what and I'm going to do my best to keep that commitment. I surrender to this time, place, situation, and condition...that doesn't mean I don't try to find out what I want or reach for my dreams, but that means that I'll do what I can do with the things within my control, but I don't want to be bothered (at least not too much and not for a long period of time) by things outside my control 'coz it'll just ruin my peace of mind. If my peace of mind is ruined, those dark clouds will be back and those people around me will get struck by the lightning bolts coming out of the dark clouds. I ain't going to let that happen, not if I can help it, <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">so help me God!</span><br /></span><br /><br /><center><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl10.glitter-graphics.net/pub/1098/1098480imbaf7ojk4.gif" border="0" height="249" width="320" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:78%;"><a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></span></center><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center; font-family: verdana; font-style: italic; color: rgb(153, 255, 255);">To everything there is a season,<br />a time for every purpose under the sun.<br />A time to be born and a time to die;<br />a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted;<br />a time to kill and a time to heal ...<br />a time to weep and a time to laugh;<br />a time to mourn and a time to dance ...<br />a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;<br />a time to lose and a time to seek;<br />a time to rend and a time to sew;<br />a time to keep silent and a time to speak;<br />a time to love and a time to hate;<br />a time for war and a time for peace.<br />~ Ecclesiastes 3:1-8</div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-3400479210102279222?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-46118255785335923252010-01-28T12:53:00.001+02:002010-01-28T12:54:46.795+02:00<span style="font-family: verdana;">Today I was in dire need for some answers and found this video clip:</span><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.dod.org/products/DOD2018.aspx"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Prayer &amp; The Silence of God</span><br /></a></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-4611825578533592325?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-31254589475134500392010-01-27T10:18:00.000+02:002010-01-27T10:58:26.128+02:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">When we first decided not to take any tests or do any medical treatments, it did occur to me that it feels like we're giving up. Even a friend was wondering why we didn't even try to go to the gyno. Well, I remember what one friend said (she's been TTC for almost 5 years with one m/c), "We've gotta keep on trying while surrendering to God's will."<br /><br />Is that possible? TTC without obsessing at all, esp. during the 2ww (2 week wait)? I <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 255);">DO</span><span style="color: rgb(153, 255, 255);"> </span>really want it to happen, though: <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 255);">TTC without obsessing</span>, with as little emotional roller-coaster as possible. That'd feel like heaven!!!<br /><br />That was one of the reasons I didn't want to do any medical treatments. I have a bit of obsessiveness inside me and especially when I have nothing else to do at home (no job training or course and just staying home with no kids to take care of), it's SO easy to obsess over every little symptom that I experience during the 2ww.<br /><br />I'm <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 255);">tired</span> of obsessing over the little details and then feeling grief and sorrow and disappointment all over again. Most of all, though, I'm <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 255);">tired</span> of taking other people's words so personally and being defensive, 'coz in the end it makes me feel <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 255);">SO guilty</span> if I can't control myself and I "snap" at other people, esp. if those people are my close friends who mean well and who're just at a loss on what to say.<br /><br />So I said to myself, "Kill it before it grows!!!" Thus the decision. Good thing hubby supports me. This month is <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 255);">the first month</span> in 20 months of TTC that I don't know what CD (calendar date) it is. Yesterday I met someone in Facebook and added her and she asked me if I had had a son (she obviously saw a pic of me with my brother's son) and I could answer her question without the sting of self-pity and without being reactive.<br /><br />I realize that during this IF roller-coaster, esp. when you're so very actively TTC (trying everything humanly possible) and hurting so much inside and feeling a degree of loneliness in the process, it's <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 255);">so easy to be reactive</span> to other people and to take things so personally, either to those who are fellow IFers or those who aren't.<br /><br />I <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 255);">don't want</span> to feel too much pain anymore - heaven help me - 'coz if I'm bleeding profusely inside every single month, how can I share my love with other people (not just with fellow IFers, but also with others who get pregnant easily)? I <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 255);">don't want</span> to keep on asking <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 255);">"why"</span> when I know that I won't probably know the answers until much later - or maybe only after I'm face-to-face with God when I die. I want to make the best out of this life, out of myself.<br /><br />Here's a message I got in Facebook yesterday (via A Message from God):<br /><br />On this day, God wants you to know.....that you deserve happiness just because. There is nothing you need to do to deserve happiness. There are no 'minimal requirements' for you to fulfill before you can claim happiness. <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 255);">You deserve happiness simply by virtue of having been born.</span> That's it. Nothing more is required. Be happy.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Right on. That's exactly what I want. I want to be happy without setting any requirement whatsoever - with or without a baby.<br /><br /><center><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_3qLww_pMgNw/S1__Kc2TfoI/AAAAAAAAENA/65ET74SqZGU/s1600-h/506693xtru4n57uq.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 282px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_3qLww_pMgNw/S1__Kc2TfoI/AAAAAAAAENA/65ET74SqZGU/s400/506693xtru4n57uq.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5431340230639844994" border="0" /></a></center></span><div style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;"><span style="font-family:verdana;font-size:78%;">Image taken from <a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/">http://www.glitter-graphics.com/</a></span><span style="font-size:78%;"><br /></span></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-3125458947513450039?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-8782661770536723742010-01-23T14:43:00.000+02:002010-01-23T16:25:37.199+02:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">I just realized that when people don't know what to say, sometimes they say things that are silly or downright stupid, even though they don't mean it just because they are at a loss on what to do. And more often than not, when the person hearing it is hurting, those tender wounds can make him/her take the words too seriously. From this, I learn that sometimes when I don't know what to say when someone tells me about his/her problem, the best things I can say is either <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 255);">"I'm sorry to hear that, I'll remember you in my prayers"</span> or <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 255);">"What kind of support do you want me to give you?"</span>.<br /><br />The latter was actually something that a close friend said to me when I was sharing my IF journey with my close friends in a group email and I'm <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 255);">THANKFUL </span>for that. That's one of the best things that someone could have said to me in this IF journey.<br /><br /><center><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl9.glitter-graphics.net/pub/923/923399kwxsacvlp3.jpg" border="0" height="160" width="160" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:78%;"><a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></span></center><br /><br />I don't know if it's because we've been busy with packing and moving things to the new house or if it's also because we've decided not to pursue any tests or medical treatments, but I've been feeling like <span style="color: rgb(0, 204, 204);">a HUGE burden is off my chest</span>. This week I've been exchanging emails with my friend who had a miracle pregnancy (she has PCOS, been TTC for 3 years, had a miscarriage once, didn't get any period for 5 months, then realized she was 6 weeks pregnant - now she's probably around 12 or 13 weeks pregnant) - this news caused my <a style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 255, 0);" href="http://ailema4ever.blogspot.com/2009/12/meltdown.html">meltdown</a> at that time. However, I realized that now I can be truly happy for her without feeling self-pity, without asking God, "Why? When? Where did we go wrong?"<br /><br />I can handle disappointments and grief, but <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 255);">I hate self-pity and bitterness</span> 'coz I always have warring voices in my head whenever both feelings show their ugly heads and it's really tiring. It's hard to distract myself from those warring voices, so we'll see how long this peaceful state can last. Right now I'm really enjoying myself and our sex life, too. <span style="color: rgb(153, 51, 153);"><span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 255);">HURRAAAHHHH</span> </span>for that he he he...<br /><br /><center><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl7.glitter-graphics.net/pub/1092/1092177yqsg41tsar.gif" border="0" height="50" width="50" /></a></center><br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-878266177053672374?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-51571301652901913102010-01-15T12:25:00.000+02:002010-01-15T12:49:13.620+02:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">1. Psychological pain to the extreme level - until I wanted to cut myself to distract myself from the pain.<br /><br />2a. Emotional torment: anger, bitterness, cynicism, jealousy, negativity, self-defense, self-pity, guilt, sorrow, depression that grow to such a level that makes me totally sick of myself.<br /><br />2b. On the other hand, I learn to be kind to myself 'coz my feelings don't define who I am. My feelings just prove that I'm only human who needs God's help.<br /><br />3. To be careful with my words 'coz they may hurt other people even if I don't mean it that way.<br /><br />4. To lean on God's help by nailing all my emotional torment and psychological pain to the cross and leaving them there.<br /><br />5. To live more in the present and face one day at a time rather than to try to plan ahead. To enjoy the present to the fullest.<br /><br />6. That the relationship and partnership between hubby and I are MORE important than this baby quest.<br /><br />7. Pain is pain and it's different for everybody. Just because everybody has different challenges, pains, problems, frustrations that doesn't mean that they are less valid than another person's.<br /><br />8. Children is a gift, NOT a right and just because I'm not given that gift (yet or never) doesn't mean that I'm a lousy person. That just means that God has different plans for me.<br /><br />9. Not to give in to pressure - this is OUR journey (mine and hubby's) and it's OUR decision.<br /><br />10. Denying feelings is the same as burying ourselves in a quicksand. It's MUCH better to acknowledge those feelings, allow myself to grieve, and then start the healing process.<br /><br />11. Realizing that one reason why IF is so tough is because sometimes you're not done with one cycle's process of grieving and healing and you're already bombarded with other things that make you sad or angry or emotional.<br /><br />12. God can take my worst anger or rage and He can turn it into peace beyond understanding whenever I'm totally honest in front of Him and let Him handle it.<br /><br />13. To take time to calm myself and not say harsh words to other people who "mean well" whenever I feel vulnerable, defensive, and moody.<br /><br />14. I've chosen the right man to be my husband 'coz he is not Mr. Fix-It. He comforts me and calms me without giving me unsolicited advice. He listens and holds me tightly and tries to understand.<br /><br />15. IF has widened my view on many things (too many to write here) - this is something I would have never experienced without IF.<br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-5157130165290191310?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-60481028893809216202010-01-11T14:26:00.000+02:002010-01-11T14:45:38.238+02:00<span style="font-family: verdana;">Yesterday AF came again. This time I didn't feel too bad (progress!!!), but self-denial was strangely still strong (which was kinda interesting). When AF first showed up, there were only some spots of brownish blood and a small voice in my head started saying, "Oh, hey, some people also experience that when they first start getting pregnant." Errrr...yeah...so I haven't totally let go yet, but still it felt good not to feel too bad about AF's arrival - at least no cursing, no tears, no overwhelming grief.<br /><br />Last night before I went to sleep, I asked hubby if he knew how long we had been TTC. His guess was more or less right: 1,5 years. Well, actually it's 19 months but we were apart for a whole month when I was in Indo last year, so that didn't count.<br /><br />Today I started browsing for adoption pages in Finnish 'coz I wanted to know the cost and how long it took. I was SHOCKED to find out that normally it takes AT LEAST 1,5 years. Gee...and the maximum age for the parents are 45 years of age, though some countries want the parents to be 35 years old or 40 years old. That means time is running low 'coz hubby will turn 40 years old next year already.<br /><br />I'd love to ask him later on what is more important to him: having our own flesh and blood or being parents. I just want to know how long we're going to try to have our own babies - and how far do we want to go if that's the case - or whether we're going to try adopting before next year comes or whether we'll just keep on trying to have a baby on our own (and if that doesn't happen then we'll just stay childless forever).<br /><br />Choices, choices, choices. <span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 153);">There are no easy choices/options.</span> It's kinda sad now when I'm faced with "brutal" choices like these, though that doesn't mean that we won't ever have children 'coz we'll never know what happens in the future, but still it's kinda sad when I think of all the people who can have kids "easily" 'coz they don't have to think about these tough choices.<br /><br />But anyway, everybody has different problems and challenges and I certainly hope that IF would make hubby and I become closer and closer. After hubby answered my question last night, he asked right away when he was supposed to take the Chinese herbs again. ;-D Well, I should talk about this with hubby sometime, but I should pick the right moment 'coz right now we have plenty of other things to talk about 'coz we're in the process of buying our own house - which is <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 255);">REALLY A BLESSING </span>for us 'coz three years ago, it NEVER crossed my mind that we'd be able to buy a house this soon. It NEVER crossed my mind that we could travel anywhere AT ALL - compared to the fact that we have been travelling a few times already over the past 3 years.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 255);">God is GOOD, SO GOOD, SO GOOD. </span>We didn't do anything to deserve getting what we get, but surprise, surprise, He's given us SO MUCH MORE than even our wildest dreams!!!<br /><br />So today I'm just going to let this fact seep into my very core to wipe away any sadness that I have...and just believe, believe, believe...believe that everything will be fine in the end, even if some dreams aren't meant to come true. Actually, writing these words has helped brighten up my day already! I should really continue writing here then ho ho ho ho ho...<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(255, 153, 255);">Note to self: Just because I feel what I feel doesn't mean I'm a bad person. It just means that I'm spreading my wings to enrich myself as I get a firsthand experience of different facets of emotions, so that (hopefully) I can become more understanding towards other people when they're experiencing those facets of emotions. </span><br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-6048102889380921620?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-6978141446679207902010-01-03T15:45:00.000+02:002010-01-03T15:56:56.618+02:00<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Excerpt taken from this site: <a href="http://all4jesus.wordpress.com/2009/11/20/infertility-and-the-christian/">Infertility and the Christian</a><br /></div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></div><blockquote style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Infertility has always brought pain. Hannah prayed for a child year after year in the temple – <b><span style="color: #ea9999;">weeping, unable to eat, grieving, bitter in soul</span></b>, and regarding herself as “afflicted” (1 Sam. 1:2-11). Rachel said to Jacob, <b><span style="color: #ea9999;">“Give me children or else I die”</span></b> (Gen. 30:1-2). Isaac entreated the Lord because he and Rebekah were infertile, yet she did not conceive until about 20 years after they were married (Gen. 25:20-26). One has written that <b style="color: #ea9999;">childlessness “violates every instinct God has placed in a woman.</b>”^{<span style="font-size: xx-small;">3</span>} For many women being fulfilled includes the experiences of conceiving, childbearing and bonding with a newborn. Men likewise can feel diminished by not being able to impregnate their wives. It is very hard for someone who has not had difficulty in having a child to comprehend how emotionally difficult it is.^{<span style="font-size: xx-small;">4</span>}<br /></blockquote><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></div><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I can totally relate to the feeling of bitterness and "not wanting to eat" - sometimes when the tsunami of melancholy hits me unexpectedly, I feel like I want to curl up like a fetus (pun intended) and do absolutely nothing. When my brain is so worked up in asking "why" and my heart is trying to find some consolation amidst the storm, I feel like wanting to sleep and never having to wake up 'coz then the cycle continues:<span style="color: #38761d;"> </span><b style="color: #38761d;">the endless questions</b><span style="color: #38761d;">, </span><b style="color: #38761d;">the strong currents of self-pity</b><span style="color: #38761d;">&nbsp;</span></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">(that sickens my logic to the core)</span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #38761d;">, </span><b style="color: #38761d;">the guilt</b> I feel for feeling as though my life were hell even if I <b style="color: #cc0000;">SHOULD</b> be <b style="color: #cc0000;">VERY grateful</b> for every blessing He's given, <b style="color: #38761d;">the guilt</b> I feel for snapping at other people who "mean well" (including hubby and my closest friends), <b style="color: #38761d;">the guilt</b> I feel for feeling so bitchy, <b style="color: #38761d;">the frustration</b> I feel 'coz my body "betrays" me, <b style="color: #38761d;">the deep stabs of longing</b> that are too painful to bear sometimes, etc. etc. etc.&nbsp;</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Sometimes I wish I could just push a "pause" button and live my days the way I did pre-IF, but that's not possible. Somewhere in the distance when the tsunami of sorrow starts to die down, I can hear a whisper: <b><span style="color: #38761d;">"I could take away all your pains, but that's not what I want for you. I want to allow you to feel all of these and be able to not survive them all, but also rise from the ashes."</span></b></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-697814144667920790?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-8259743657575577892010-01-02T20:00:00.000+02:002010-01-02T21:55:07.961+02:00<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">It's very fascinating to browse through infertility blogs and read the things I could have written myself. It makes me feel sane, understood. It makes me feel that I'm not alone. It makes me feel like shouting "Eureka" at the top of my lungs as though I had made the biggest discovery of my time. It makes me feel like dancing around the room 'coz my thoughts and feelings are "justifiable" and they're not thought of as "absurd, over-the-top, etc." It gives me the freedom to struggle with whatever thought or feeling that comes my way without any burden. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">My aha moment today came from reading these sentences from <a href="http://jenuinejen.com/2008/01/20/is-it-morally-right-for-a-christian-to-be-a-surrogate-parent/">Jen's Genuine Life</a>:</span><br /><blockquote style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The truth of the matter is the desire to procreate is one that is <b><span style="color: #ea9999;">a primal instinct</span></b>. Once it takes hold of you because you cannot achieve it, it completely <b style="color: #ea9999;">absorbs your being</b>. It is all you can think about. You begin to doubt your own value as a woman and a person.....<br /></blockquote><blockquote style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">You are <b style="color: #ea9999;">enraged </b>when other people tell you to “just adopt” or “just quit worrying about it and it will happen.” You are also shocked at the carelessness of people when they say you are missing out on God’s greatest gift. You <b style="color: #ea9999;">cringe</b> each time someone asks you if you have children, as if being a parent is the only way to identify yourself as an adult in society.<br /></blockquote><blockquote style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Don’t even get me started on what Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Christmas, and other holidays are like for the person struggling with infertility. Trust me it is painful. During this time, it is so important to <b style="color: #ea9999;">be in prayer with God</b> so that you remain faithful and have hope for the future. <br /></blockquote><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">&nbsp; </span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-825974365757557789?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-11061077813899646012010-01-01T20:10:00.000+02:002010-01-01T20:19:39.488+02:00<div style="color: #fff2cc;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Just been browsing around while enjoying the holiday, trying to understand more the land of IF so that I won't feel "shocked" whenever something happens to me later on in the future. Let's see what I managed to gather today:</span><br /></div><br /><span style="color: #cfe2f3; font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">1. This is the excerpt of a book called:</span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: small;"> <a href="http://wmlgage.com/readersguide/Infertility.html">"The Belated Baby: Healing Yourself After the Long Journey of Infertility"</a>: <br /></span><br /><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></div><blockquote><div style="color: #073763; font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Approximately 7.3 million American women have struggled with infertility. Most of them, whether or not they use fertility treatments, do not realize that when they have their baby (or babies)—whether through birth or via adoption -</span><span style="color: #cfe2f3;">&nbsp;<b><span style="color: #ea9999;">the echoes of their infertility will be felt long after they are living out their dream of having their own baby. </span></b><br /></span><br /></div><div style="color: #073763; font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></div><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: small;">Jill S. Browning and Kelly James-Enger explain that infertility is a mind-set and that every woman who experiences infertility is<span style="color: #ea9999;">&nbsp;</span></span><b style="color: #ea9999;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">forever changed</span></b><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: small;">, even when she eventually has the child she yearned for. When many women who have gone through fertility treatments describe their experience, they say it “abused their soul.”&nbsp;</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: small;">The experience may have also hurt their relationship with their husband and sometimes permanently altered relationships with their extended families. Studies show that even after the desperation of infertility subsides,&nbsp;</span><b style="color: #ea9999;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">emotional wounds still fester</span></b><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: small;"> and an asterisk accompanies her bundle of joy.&nbsp;</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: small;">Infertile women often find themselves&nbsp;</span><b style="color: #ea9999;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">mentally unprepared</span></b><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: small;"> for motherhood. They feel they have no right to complain about the frustration and confusion that all new sleep-deprived parents experience. After all, they worked so hard to have a baby and, moreover, spent thousands of dollars for costly procedures. They also may be conflicted about working, even if their families need the income. She’s waited so long for this baby. How can she leave him or her to go back to work?&nbsp;</span><br /></blockquote><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: small;">2. This line is from a book called "<a href="http://wmlgage.com/readersguide/Infertility.html">My Little One</a>":</span><br /><blockquote><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Infertility has robbed Emma Bronfman of her <b><span style="color: #ea9999;">self-esteem, self-image and self-respect. </span></b></span><br /></blockquote><div style="color: #fff2cc;"><br /></div><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #fff2cc;">This brought me to the</span> <a href="http://www.infertilitysurvivalguide.com/issues/InfertilityDiscussionGuide.pdf">Discussion Guide</a> <span style="color: #fff2cc;">I found the other day:</span><b><i style="color: #a64d79;"> What most influences my self-worth?</i></b> <span style="color: #fff2cc;">That's a tough question to answer. There are lots of things in the discussion guide that make me think.&nbsp;</span></span><br /><div style="color: #fff2cc;"><br /></div><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #fff2cc;">Well, I think I've got enough information and reflection for today. It seems that the more I read about the land of IF, the more I realize how dangerous this "baby quest" can be for a marriage (other than my own sanity, that is). I should be really careful about this, especially 'coz when I feel downright cynical, sad, and melancholic, I might take it out on hubby (and other people), even though the problem is within </span><b style="color: #fff2cc;">ME</b><span style="color: #fff2cc;">. I should always remember this. </span><b style="color: #990000;">Remember this, Amel!!!&nbsp;</b></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-1106107781389964601?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-74653653865553685982009-12-31T01:39:00.000+02:002009-12-31T01:43:42.943+02:00<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Here are my "aha" moments today:</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">1. I never thought that<b style="color: #ea9999;"> "hope"</b> could be such a "dangerous", "painful", and "tricky" thing to have until I was face-to-face with IF. This "hope for a baby" is such a tricky thing. I remember reaching my peak of hope for a baby when hubby and I went back to Indo in 2008 (it was our 5th month of TTC).&nbsp;</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Back then we were both "relaxing" (on a holiday) and we had frequent sex (almost every day) and I did try the trick of "holding up my legs" for as long as I could after we made love and then lying down for 30 minutes to "keep the sperms" inside me. I remember thinking very clearly and hoping very joyfully, "This is it! This is the month when I'd get pregnant." </span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">That month was over a year ago. Nowadays after my fertile day passes by, my brain's still automatically "counting down" to the day when AF (Aunt Flo = menstruation) comes. I still have that flicker of hope that AF will not show up, but that flicker of hope is getting dimmer and dimmer as time goes by - the good news is that as my disappointment gets smaller and smaller in proportion when AF does come. Again. And again. And again.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I think the dip in hoping for a baby came right after our 12th month of trying, the day when AF came and I realized that we were then officially reproductively challenged. On the 12th month, I still had a bigger amount of hope, thinking that one close friend got pregnant then, so maybe - just maybe - I could also be pregnant then. However, this lessened hope doesn't make it less painful. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">2. I learnt more about <b style="color: #ea9999;">grief</b> through this article: <a href="http://www.infertilitysurvivalguide.com/issues/chapter6.htm">Grief - Wandering Through the Maze</a>. In it it's said that grief is a journey/process unlike a race where there's a clear start and finish and you just need to keep on running from that one point called the "start" until you reach the finish line.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Let me just quote the paragraphs that give me enlightenment:&nbsp;</span><br /><br /><blockquote><span style="font-size: small;"><i><span style="font-family: Arial;">Nowadays, counselors more accurately describe the grief process as a journey where we move in and out, back and forth, across and over these phases as we work our way toward a new emotional balance. Each phase is not characterized by a clear beginning and ending, but rather a blending from one to another, overlapping and intertwining along the way. <br /><br />The journey may have a specific beginning, such as a miscarriage or a specific test result, but the grief of infertility doesn’t have a specific ending. The loss of a child, a pregnancy, or the loss of your dreams is something that you weather and survive, but it’s not something you forget and never revisit. It’s a part of what defines your life story.</span></i></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> <br /></span><br /></blockquote><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">That means I'm <b style="color: #ea9999;">NOT</b> crazy whenever I feel like I "should be over it" but then again <b style="color: #ea9999;">WHAM SLAM BANG!!!</b> Grief strikes me at the most unexpected hour, making me bleeding raw again from the core. It's <b style="color: red;">perfectly NORMAL</b> to experience that. <b style="color: #ea9999;">YES!!!</b></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">3. While combating IF, I've been <b style="color: #ea9999;">over-sensitive</b> towards what other people say, including what other people say to other couples whom I know have had trouble getting pregnant. I've also been interpreting other people's words the wrong way or taking them too seriously or taking them as a personal "attack" or "intrusion". I've felt "so rotten" whenever I become over-sensitive like this, especially when I make people who are dear to me (even sometimes those who are not so dear to me) feel that nothing they said would be "acceptable". </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> One thing I've done lately is to let people know how I want to be supported and what kind of words would be the best ones to say to me so that they won't - so to speak - "rub me the wrong way".&nbsp;</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">However, there are also other people who don't know what to say when they face someone like me and I still don't know what to do when I'm so sensitive and then they speak of words that rub me the wrong way. May heaven help me when/if those occasions happen!</span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-7465365386555368598?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-25301697667601505622009-12-30T16:24:00.000+02:002009-12-30T16:24:21.329+02:00<center><object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Te0hy2YcLgg&hl=en_US&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Te0hy2YcLgg&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></center><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-2530169766760150562?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-7005256241791343112009-12-30T12:51:00.000+02:002009-12-30T16:25:01.925+02:00<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #fff2cc;">1. No matter how hard it is to deal with IF, at least I'm given a chance to embrace this "world of IF" with all its turmoil and mess so that in the end I may grow and grow and grow and become</span> </span><b style="color: #ea9999; font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">a more enlightened person</b><span style="color: #ea9999; font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">.</span></span><br /><br /><span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #fff2cc;">2. No matter what I face at the end of my IF journey,</span> <b style="color: #ea9999;">I believe</b> <span style="color: #fff2cc;">that God will never give me anything beyond my powers and if I ever feel like I'm too weak, He's only a shout away to help me. He, the Source of everything, will be able to sustain and support me even when I'm sucked away by the worst quicksand of self-pity, resentment, and jealousy.</span></span></span><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img border="0" height="20" src="http://dl.glitter-graphics.net/pub/471/471651fatxn3j13g.gif" width="150" /></a><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i><a href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></i></span><br /></div><span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span></span><br /><br /><span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #fff2cc;">3. My marriage (the relationship between me and my husband) is</span> <b style="color: #ea9999;">more important</b> <span style="color: #fff2cc;">than this "baby quest", because if I ruin this marriage, it's the same as ruining what I want to have before a baby comes our way: a solid relationship and partnership between a husband and a wife.</span></span></span><br /><br /><span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #fff2cc;">4. </span><b style="color: #ea9999;">It's okay</b> <span style="color: #fff2cc;">to feel shitty and messy and unlovable at times, esp. when I feel so cynical and bitter as long as I don't allow myself to drown in those feelings for too long. It's </span><b style="color: #ea9999;">NOT okay</b> <span style="color: #fff2cc;">to deny any feelings at all 'coz it only makes it harder for me to pass through my mourning and healing process. In order to heal, I must acknowledge all the feelings inside me and be able to find out the sources of those feelings, let it all out, then give enough time to mourn.&nbsp;</span></span></span><br /><span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> <br /></span></span><span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #fff2cc;">5. Just because I feel jealousy, resentment, cynicism, and bitterness doesn't mean that I've become all of those feelings. It's</span> <b style="color: #ea9999;">just a phase</b> <span style="color: #fff2cc;">I need to go through and the bottom line is that I am going through all of those - with God's help.&nbsp;</span></span></span><br /><div style="color: #fff2cc;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"></span><br /></div><span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #fff2cc;">6. Being given the chance to fall to the darkest pit in my entire life is beneficial for me in the future 'coz it makes me understand aspects of life that I may never had understood had I not experienced IF. And for that, I'm </span><b style="color: #ea9999;">THANKFUL </b><span style="color: #fff2cc;">for the opportunity to learn so many facets of feelings even if I don't necessarily enjoy feeling all of them.</span><br /></span></span><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img border="0" height="225" src="http://dl8.glitter-graphics.net/pub/332/332738egjob8up06.jpg" width="225" /></a><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i><a href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></i></span><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-700525624179134311?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-40622306298400543182009-12-28T18:03:00.000+02:002009-12-28T18:03:31.558+02:00<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">In my struggle with infertility, I think I have managed to separate two entities inside me: the <b><i style="color: #8e7cc3;">"boo-hoo-pity-me"</i></b> entity and the <i><b style="color: #8e7cc3;">"it's-not-the-end-of-the-world" </b></i>entity. In order to function well during tough times, the second entity must be stronger than the first one. The second entity must be able to comfort the first entity and be able to somehow "brainwash" (or "heartwash") the first entity so that I may enjoy life despite IF.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">In browsing through infertility blogs, I recognize many expressed sentiments and by reading some of them, I feel <b><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">oh, SO SANE</span></b>. However, I also have this fear that the bitterness may take the best of me. I've experienced how bitterness can take away every good thing I have in my life when facing IF and <b style="color: #6fa8dc;">I DO NOT</b> want that to happen.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I can only pray to God that He will help me get rid of all the bitterness whenever it strikes my way, especially when I'm feeling too weak to battle it all out by myself (read: when the first entity is overwhelming me and kicking the second entity's ass with its desperation and frustration, making the second entity battered, bruised, bewildered). <br /></span><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img border="0" height="196" src="http://dl10.glitter-graphics.net/pub/850/850510zger83vbil.gif" width="158" /></a><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i><a href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></i></span><br /></div><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">There are times when I feel that God isn't there for me, but I always remember these:</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">1. <b style="color: #6fa8dc;">"When you can't see God's hand, trust His heart."</b> That's what a friend told me years ago and I've always remembered that. <br /></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">2. <b style="color: #6fa8dc;">Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.</b></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Just because I can't "see" God's hand doesn't mean that He's not there. Just because I can't "see" God at work doesn't mean that He's not weaving His best plan for me - no matter how hard it is for me to believe, still I hope He will sustain my belief.&nbsp; <br /></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">3. <b style="color: #6fa8dc;">No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man</b>, and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it. (1 Corinthians 10:1-13).</span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">At the end of every rough day, this is my prayer: </span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /><br /></span><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img border="0" height="138" src="http://dl6.glitter-graphics.net/pub/1281/1281176iggpyu80jw.jpg" width="141" /></a></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i><a href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></i></span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-4062230629840054318?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-389217180689999852.post-84046915933331832692009-12-26T20:56:00.000+02:002009-12-26T21:18:16.760+02:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">Hi, people!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">What shall I write here as an introduction? Well, I'm an Indo girl who moved to Finland to be with my Finnish hubby (I'm 31, hubby's almost 39). We've been TTC since May 2008. I started taking BCP since August 2006 and I stopped taking them in January 2008. We started using condoms for 3 months and then we stopped using any protection. At first we were still half worried and half excited about the prospect of being pregnant. I think I started </span><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 255, 255);font-family:verdana;" ><span style="color: rgb(0, 204, 204);">REALLY</span> </span><span style="font-family:verdana;">wanting to be pregnant about two months after our first try.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">A year after TTC, I went to the lab to get my blood tested (well, the gyno told me to do that first). I did two blood tests and they came out OK. Then I got busy doing other stuff (so taking more tests was put on the lowest part of my priority) and then I visited my family back in Indo for a month alone, so now that I'm back to Finland again we've talked about what to do and we decided not to pursue any kind of medical treatments. We decided not to get tested any further.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">The past few months I've been browsing around for infertility blogs and so I decided to create one 'coz I just don't want to bombard the regular readers of my main blog with this kind of topic. I just thought it'd be better if I created another blog mainly to write about my infertility journey and the ups and downs...or I can also write about other things here. We'll see about that.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Anyway, back to our decision. Why make this decision so early? First of all, I don't want any one of us to feel bad if it's found out that one of us is having "problems". If both of us is having problems, maybe it won't cause too much "trouble" (maybe, I don't know). Secondly, if we pursue any kind of medical treatments, I'm </span><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(0, 204, 204);font-family:verdana;" >TOO afraid</span><span style="font-family:verdana;"> of getting our hopes</span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:verdana;" > <span style="color: rgb(0, 204, 204);">HIGH</span></span><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 204, 204);"> </span>up there to cloud number 9 and then if they fail, it's gonna hurt </span><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(0, 204, 204);font-family:verdana;" >SO MUCH MORE</span><span style="font-family:verdana;">. It already hurts so much now (and there are some months when I feel that I'm </span><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(0, 204, 204);font-family:verdana;" >WAY</span><span style="font-family:verdana;"> too obsessed about counting down to the day when I'd get my period "late")...what do I expect to feel when medical treatments don't work? I just don't think I'd be able to handle it.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">That's why we came up with the decision. I don't know if it's a temporary decision or not. Again we'll see about that. I've had some bad months and some rather easy months. I'll write more about this later, I guess. I think for now this introduction should be enough.</span><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com/"><img src="http://dl2.glitter-graphics.net/pub/471/471802jnyzka8d4l.gif" border="0" height="51" width="150" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:78%;"><a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://www.glitter-works.org/" target="_blank">glitter-graphics.com</a></span><br /></div><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">P.S. So far I've only used ovulation test kits 4 times. My menstrual cycle is quite long (around </span><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(0, 204, 204);font-family:verdana;" >31-43 days</span><span style="font-family:verdana;"> - I'd say on average it's around 35-36 days), so I get less chance to get pregnant in a year than women who have a shorter menstrual cycle. During the 4 times I used the </span><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(0, 204, 204);font-family:verdana;" >ovulation</span><span style="font-family:verdana;"> test kits, it showed a + sign on CD </span><span style="color: rgb(0, 204, 204); font-weight: bold;font-family:verdana;" >21 and 22</span><span style="font-family:verdana;">.</span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/389217180689999852-8404691593333183269?l=serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Amelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.com0