Sometime near the end of last year, I spotted a writing competition on a Finnish magazine. I took a photo of the competition with my mobile and I was so psyched in submitting my entry. The competition ends at the end of summer this year, so I wasn't in a hurry as I had a story in mind already. The competition isn't non-fiction. However, soon after I got really busy at work and then I got tennis elbow. During the time I was on my sick leave, I was in such a dark place that the competition was the last thing I had in mind.
Must admit that on my darker days back then, I felt some shame over my tennis elbow. It was the first time I had invisible health symptoms. I even avoided going to my workplace as much as I could. I was afraid of not only losing my job altogether, but not being able to work well with my arms anymore. Both arms! What kind of job would I be able to do in this small village if that happened? And the thing is, I still enjoy my job, so I'd still love to continue doing it.
Thankfully my long and winding road to recovery finally started in the middle of January and now I've been back to work for a full month already. I still have some tennis elbow symptoms and the degree of the symptoms depends on what I've been doing, but at the very least I can go back to work as long as I don't do too much work. Anyway, I felt like my life was put on hold before I found out my final diagnosis and before I met my two physiotherapists. I tried many things I found online, but since they usually made me feel more pain afterwards, I refrained from doing them. It was difficult to know what to do, what not to do, how much I should do the things I should do, when would be safe to start doing it, etc. Now I've gotten more help and pointers on what to work on, so I've also spent time working out more than before.
Anyway, back to the writing competition. Now that I feel that my new year has finally started, the writing competition popped back into my mind. It's mid March already, so I don't have as much time to write my story. The other day I started thinking about how to start it off and for the first time in a long time, I literally felt joy bursting forth. It was so much fun to think of different ways to start a story! It's as if the words are begging me, "Write me! Write meeee!", so I can only obey them he he he...I feel excited simply by imagining some people (the judges) who are going to read my story. I hope the story will make them smile. :-D
I'll start blog-hopping bit by bit from now on. It's been a long time since I last wrote a blog post here.
I've been thinking about grief lately, mostly about the healing process of infertility grief and there's this idea brewing in my head. The idea is this:
"The further away into the healing process of grief you are, the less often you think of other people's live events that you can't experience (preggy bumps or announcements, Mother's Day, etc.) as in direct opposition to your broken dreams."
It's like in the beginning of the grief process, you're standing in front of the mirror and you're VERY well aware of what you don't have and so if someone else comes along that gets to experience what you can't experience, the mirror suddenly pops up right in front of you and it naturally breaks your heart in an instant (the feeling of being punched in the gut or below the belt whenever you see that shattered image in the mirror). So even though you're happy for the person who shares the good news or who's going to experience a lovely event, you can't help feeling the pain.
I have this image that the further away you are in your healing process, it's like you're also a lot farther away mentally from that place of pain, from your broken dreams. If you are unwilling to let go, that means that you're still sitting right next to your broken dreams or you're probably even still be holding the broken dreams in your arms. The closer you are with your broken dreams, the harder it is to avoid this "direct opposition" theory.
Hmmm...this is still just a rough theory, but I feel that I'd better write it down anyway.
glitter-graphics.com
Grieving is a necessary passage and a difficult transition to finally letting go of sorrow - it is not a permanent rest stop.
~Dodinsky
Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.
~William Shakespeare
