After A Wedding Party

Went to a friend's wedding party last Saturday and as usual when I meet new people, they ask, "Do you have kids?"

I answered no. I didn't feel any stabs or anything, though. Nor did I feel any need to explain anything (like what I felt in previous events when the topic came up).

Another person said, "Not yet" and I just laughed.

I explained to another person who also said something like "maybe in the future then" that life without kids is fine. Thankfully she didn't say anything else about the topic and she let it go.

The wedding went great and I almost shed some tears during the first dance 'coz it took me right back to my own wedding day. No, we didn't have any first dance that day 'coz it's not common to have that kind of thing in Indonesia, but still I remember the sacredness, the importance, the beauty of the day. Dreamy sigh...

Below is a pic of the dining room where we had the party...


P.S. Just wanna write down this post to mark what happens to me and what I feel during specific moments in my IF survivor period.

Looking Backward - Mellow Mood

I've just begun to get to know a blogger friend/expat who lives in Finland and we've been exchanging emails 'coz we have some similarities. I've dug up some old blog posts to send her some of the links so that she can get to know me better (it's more practical that way so that I don't have to write all over again some things I've written down in my other blog).

While trying to find those old blog posts, I reread some of them and in some of them, I came across posts filled with my wish of leaving some legacy to our future kids and grandkids (even though at that time we didn't plan to have kids yet 'coz I just moved to Finland and I needed time to study the language and adjust with my new life), but the thought of leaving something for the future generation had been on my mind. One legacy that I was thinking about was our saved emails - our "electronic love letters". At that point in time, I would love to have our kids and grandkids enjoy the legacy of our long-distance love story. I didn't really have time to think this over because I'd been busy at work.

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However, today (it's my day off from work) I was reminded of this when I visited another blogger friend's blog. She had just posted her weekly scrapbook of her family. She said that she had started to rethink what to put in the weekly scrapbook so that the future generation knew what kind of things (gadgets, incidents, games, jokes, events) exist/happen in the past life that they enjoy that may no longer exist in the future.

Reading that post reminded me of one of the broken dreams I had to let go when we decided to think of the future with kids. I had forgotten that it was even on my mind before we even started TTC and now it has resurfaced. It makes me kinda mellow - mostly because I'm probably a bit shocked of the existence of this "hole" that IF has created. I know I'm gonna be just fine, though...but this just took me by surprise...

Anyhow, another type of loss is the kind of financial/earthly belonging legacy that we're going to leave someday when we're dead. I once told hubby that if I died first, I wanted him to send half of my money to my brother. He can keep the other half as well as my jewelleries.

It's not that I care too much about what happens after we're dead, but it'll just be nicer if the things we leave behind are meaningful to someone, don't you think? Someone who can look at our photos and remember the many memories he/she has with us...someone who, upon holding some of my jewelleries, remembers my stories about where they're from (a gift from Mom, a gift from an aunt, bought by me, etc)...someone who, upon holding our pictures, remembers our love story.

I guess today's one of those days...a day I should spend in mourning over these losses...My mellow mood may also be caused by PMS, but I know I'll be fine in the end, because:

Blessed!

Lately I've been thinking about blessings and how sometimes when someone says "I'm blessed" in specific ways that we are deprived of, it may make us feel that they have earned the blessings and that we aren't doing something good enough to make us earn those blessings. And vice versa...

Today a light bulb flicked in my head and I created this using a pic I took a few years ago:

A Child's Innocent Embrace

*cross-posted with my other blog*

The other day at work an old lady came to pay for her groceries, but she said to me that she didn't want the milk carton that she took 'coz she had taken the wrong one. Mind you that the milk section was at the back of the store, so I told her to just leave it at the cashier so that I could return it to the original place later on.

After serving a few more customers, there was nobody in line, so I took the milk carton and ran to the back of the store 'coz I didn't want the next customers to wait too long for me to get back. While running on the fourth aisle with the milk carton in my hand, I spotted a little girl in the middle. She was standing there in the middle of the aisle, halfway between me and where the rest of the milk was at the back of the store.

We locked our gaze at one point and we realized who it was we were looking at. She's this little girl who's been really friendly to me ever since we met at the store 1,5 years ago. Her parents are also very friendly and she has a little sister. At that time, her parents and little sister were near the milk section.

Anyway, when the little girl saw me, she smiled so widely and started RUNNING towards me with arms wide open...In my hurry, I couldn't break her heart. She probably thought that I was running towards her!!! (FYI: She did this once when they were at the store and she saw me from afar) So when we were close to each other, I stopped, knelt down, and gave her a hug.

I was a bit worried what her parents might think of me hugging her, but from the side of my eyes, I could see them turning around at us and laughing. Phew!!! She really made my day that day! :-D Before then, all we had ever exchanged were words and smiles and occasionally I gave them some candies he he...

Anyhow, here are some photos I took with my mobile camera (not such good quality), but anyway...


2nd pic: The sun peeping from behind the trees at around 2.30 pm yesterday. Felt marvelous to be able to see it again after such a long time!


3rd pic: The back of a hotel in Sodankylä.


4th pic: Very light pinkish sky.

Quote of the Day

Found it here: Live Passionately


When I read it, I smiled so widely 'coz I felt that it really fit IFers in a special way! :-D

Quote of the Day

"Not every infertility story
ends happily with a baby.
Some end pretty happily
without one."
- Jeanette DeMain

To read the whole post, go here: Quitting Childlessness.

When Tragedy Strikes

The day after I received news about my Dad's death, I felt this urge to tell the whole world about it. One reason was probably 'coz it felt surreal to me. I mean, I didn't see his body and I wasn't there at the funeral home. I wasn't there at all to help out and my life here in Finland continued as if nothing had happened. I think telling the world (well, mostly through FB announcement) about it has helped me remember that my Dad no longer lives on earth.

Another reason was probably because my world will never be the same anymore and I want other people to know that. Funny thing was that if I compared my grief with my infertility grief, I accepted my Dad's death much better than my infertility. First of all, I had had time to prepare for my Dad's death and also opportunities to let him know how much I appreciated him. Secondly, his death was a natural one and he didn't have to suffer long. Thirdly, other people readily acknowledged his death and my grief and thus I got the kind of warm support that I needed.

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When tragedy strikes, it feels like your universe is going on a different pace and rhythm. You notice that there are cracks and perhaps even holes all around you. Your whole world has changed. Perhaps you've even stopped living your life though other people didn't even realize that. Anyhow, the trouble with infertility is that it's a disenfranchise grief and it took us by surprise (a hit below the belt so to speak). When I first realized that (gasp!) we could be infertile, I felt that my whole universe started cracking...and then with each month appeared one hole after another, each with different size and depth.

Then I also felt the urge to let the world know about the changes in our universe. It didn't help when I tried telling some people about them 'coz they made me feel like I was delusional. In their eyes, those cracks and holes were invisible. And the "wrong" things they said felt like they were poking the holes (making them bigger) or even ripping off the cracks, making me feel defensive or even angry. Or both.

But at that time, I couldn't help feeling that I was really making such a big deal out of my cracks and holes 'coz if they are blind to them, there must be other invisible cracks and holes in other people's universes as well that I may have involuntarily poked and prodded and ripped off and that made me feel guilty for lashing out on them or for being defensive.

However, this thought in turn made me feel angrier and frustrated 'coz I felt that I had no valid reason to be grieving in the first place. But then again I couldn't deny the grief that I felt. And the cycle of doom continued...Anger, jealousy, frustration, guilt, grief, sorrow, despair, self-hate, self-loathe, self-blame, doubt, depression...you name it...one by one tumbling one after another and sometimes many of them bursting out all at once and becoming a concoction from hell.

To be fair, there were some people who did acknowledge there were holes and cracks, but more often than not the things they said made me feel like they were suggesting band-Aids to cover them up to "heal" my universe. After some time, I felt like giving up in "educating" the world about our universe and what it may entail. (FYI, every once in a while I still try to do this, but not with the same concoction from hell like before).

What helped the most was probably surrendering ourselves to a future without kids (thanks to all the prayers - I specifically asked some friends to pray The Serenity Prayer for us).

Our universe will never be the same, but we've stopped focusing on the cracks and holes and focusing more on looking at each other and trying to find ways to make each other happy and spending time together. We try our best to cherish every moment 'coz nobody knows when death is coming to get us...what would be the sweetest ending for our story is if God chooses to take us from earth together at the same time. :-D

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