Friday, December 17, 2010

Almost Cried

Today I was working near the entrance/exit of the place where I worked when a couple stopped by near the exit and said to their daughter, "Look! There she is! Amelia is over there!"

I turned around and saw the lovely family whose daughter had stolen my heart ever since we met at my workplace. I've written a little about her in this post: In Love. She had a pacifier in her mouth, but when I said "hi", she said "hi" with a smile.

The Dad then explained to me that it'd become a habit - whenever they went to go grocery shopping, the girl would ask where I was (if I wasn't working as the cashier that day) HE HE HE HE HE...

I was so touched, not only 'coz of the little girl's enthusiasm, but also for the parents' excitement towards our interaction. I said "goodbye" to the cute girl while waving my hand and she also did the same a few times - always with a smile on her cute face.

I then turned around while they exited the building and I almost couldn't hold the tears from flowing. I guess it's just hormones, but I was just so touched - and a tad sad again at the same time 'coz I could only do that with another person's child - though on the other hand it's still MUCH better than not having that kind of interaction with anyone's child at all. :-D

On a positive note, I can't wait for our mini holiday sometime later to Rovaniemi (a city near here) with hubby. I just booked our hotel last night. WOOOOHOOOO!!! I'll be back with pictures. Meanwhile, here are some more winter pics I took yesterday:

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Tiny Thumps in My Chest

A few weeks ago I found out that a certain friend had gotten pregnant again (she had been trying for this second one for a while, but finally she got pregnant). I think at that time I almost felt a tiny thump in my chest, but I definitely felt that tiny thump the other day when I found out that another friend had gotten pregnant (she's 2 years older than me - I'm 32 y.o.). After that thump, this question arose: "How come it's so easy for them but not for us?"

But then I realized that it was totally the wrong question to ask 'coz it would simply open up the Pandora box that's filled with other questions that would be impossible to answer.

Thankfully no other questions popped up, but I did feel a tad of sadness due to my "empty womb". I feel happy for my friends, but that doesn't mean I don't feel anything anymore when it comes to us, even though we've "given up" (read: not actively TTC anymore).

A close friend of mine is going to TTC next year and for selfish reasons, I just hope that she gets pregnant easily. Why? So I can get it over with: having to congratulate her and feeling whatever I may be feeling (hopefully nothing too bad) when the time comes. So for very selfish reasons, the sooner she gets pregnant, the better for me 'coz I'll then be able to move on after feeling another wave of grief over my "empty womb".

I also realize even more that all these "negative emotions brought out by IF roller-coaster" aren't altogether bad at all. They really help me understand other people's similar feelings to a deeper level. They really help me understand that we're, after all, simply human beings and that just because we feel what we feel doesn't mean we're "bad people". And the other week I also found these verses that helped me embrace all the "negative emotions during IF roller-coaster":

2 Corinthians 1:3-5

“All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” (NLT)

On a different note, today I was in the mood to watch a romantic movie, so I watched "The Holiday" again and I enjoyed crying my eyes out (probably just hormones!!!), but it feels GREAT to cry over a movie while it lasts 'coz it's not real life. You feel glad after crying your eyes out and go back to real life.

The wintery scenes in the movie make me feel thankful for living in a beautiful place with pink are some pics of the lovely pink skies of Lapland, Finland:

Monday, December 6, 2010

Have You Ever?

*cross-posted with my other blog*

About a month ago or so I was feeling sick and tired. Of what? I guess the correct answer would be "the fallenness of mankind". I wasn't sick and tired of mankind per se, but just that part of mankind, including that part in myself (or maybe especially 'coz I know that part exists in myself).

I guess the trigger was when I read this online forum that talked about two different people from two different cultures and the heated debate went on and on and on. There were at least 100 "commentators", but I only found about 1/10th who were the voice of reason. Some of the commentators made me feel sick and disgusted.

It's so easy when I look at that fallen part in myself that for example if I'm struck by someone, my instinct would be to strike back. If I'm hurt, my instinct would be to fight back or to have my revenge. Maybe for different people, the "fallen" parts are different than mine. But still the fallenness exists.

I don't mean to say that I'm giving up on mankind, but I'm just saying that there are times when I just want to get away from humans 'coz the fallenness of mankind makes me sick.

I talked about this topic today with a friend and she said she thought she was the only one going mad ha ha ha...she also experienced this and she said that she also wanted to get away from people in order to "reduce" the amount of possible "negative thoughts/feelings/reactions" that come from dealing with other human beings.

However, at the other end of the spectrum, after feeling so disgusted and sick like this, I wonder why God still loves us just the way we are, despite ourselves. I mean logically thinking I know that God is love, but my human brain is wondering that after all the wickedness and ugliness that humans can do, isn't it beyond AMAZING that He still loves us? That He's sent Jesus to die for our sins? I still can't comprehend the depth of His love for's WAY beyond what my human brain can understand. Having billions and billions of "children on earth" behaving the way we are many days a year...I'm THANKFUL that God is God.