I'm PMSing at the moment and I've been a crybaby (as usual, getting touched so easily/crying so easily if I see/watch/read a touching event/story). The other day I saw a touching scene on TV between a mother and her daughter and I instantly shed some tears without any twinge, any pain, any grief on my part.
There was an instant when I thought to myself, "Oh, how beautiful it is to be able to have that moment with your own child" but it was more like a moment when you see someone else's magnificent photos (your not being a photographer yourself nor do you attempt to be a photographer) and you're so touched by their beauty that you can't help blurting out, "WOW! To be able to witness all those moments/places and to be able to capture them in their glory must be something!"
I want to write this down for future use, as this is the first time I've felt something like this. That moment surely felt surreal.
That said, I felt something when I saw an article on myself in the newspaper (it covers Lapland). You see, a few weeks ago a reporter contacted me because he was writing an article on expats in Lapland and I agreed to be interviewed. I assumed he was covering other expats, too. Turned out the article was only about me (Doh! My introvert side cringed!). Anyway, during the interview I told him that we had no kids because the interview was also about what kind of services that expats needed or what challenges expats were facing. I mentioned our childless state to let him know that I couldn't give any input in terms of daycare/school and stuff like that. And no, he didn't ask why we were childless.
The article came out last week and when I read the part where "she and her husband have no kids", I felt something. I searched my heart to figure out what I was feeling...I believe it was fear/worry. Fear/worry of being judged by random people. It was hard not to wonder what the article readers thought about that sole fact. It was one thing to let selected people/my regular customers know that we have no kids, but I have no clue who else the readers of the article could be and how many of them had read the article. It was not only the scale of the article (as opposed to talking one-to-one), but also the fact that it was written in black-and-white for the public eye to see, I suppose.
However, funnily enough I was also somewhat glad that the article mentioned my age (the reporter was very polite, he even asked me for permission first if he could ask about my age or not with a very apologetic look on his face he he he...), because people here think I'm younger than my real age. Even though people here don't pry about children as much as Indo people, a few of them have blurted out, "Ah, you still have time" when I told them that we had no kids (without giving further explanation).
Pardon my absence. Been away on a holiday and has been battling flu ever since I arrived back home. Still not feeling 100%, but I want to write nonetheless while it's still fresh in my mind.
The trip to Indonesia this time has made me surer of the childless-not-by-choice path that we've been walking along. It's also made me realize that there's now quite some distance between me and my buried dream compared to three years ago when I last visited Indo.
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This time around, just like last time, I knew some people would ask the question (because it's just the way the culture is in Indo) and prior to our holiday I was sort of curious and anxious about my reaction, though by the time I arrived, I had already forgotten about my curiosity and anxiety because my head was on a holiday. (chuckle)
Anyway, two neighbours said, "Hurry up and make babies." I managed to explain to the other one that we're fine just the way we are and that there's no use forcing a wish if it's not God's will (I find that this line works like a charm for religious people - not only for Christians, because my neighbours aren't Christians) and she took it quite well. I didn't explain anything else to the other one, though, because the last time around when I said we were fine just the two of us, in a very shocked state she immediately replied, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I'll keep praying for you."
So this time I just smiled and chuckled. A similar thing happened when I visited the church where we got married. Two women who were at our wedding asked me, "Do you have kids? Why not? Are you using protection?" Cue confused faces when I said "no, no kids" and "no protection" without any additional info. They both just replied, "Ah, maybe not yet." To which I just smiled.
The difference between three years ago versus now was this: three years ago those words still had the power to make me feel that what we have was "less than". Three years ago I just wanted to say "Whatevaaahhhhh" to them (in a cynical,
pretending-not-to-care tone), but this time around the second I heard their responses, what automatically popped out in my head was their idealized versions of how life was supposed to be. Either that or their own fear (that this kind of life that we're leading is one of their worst nightmares).
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During our holiday I also spent some time with my nephews and I talked to many mothers about their daily struggles (most of them have two kids already) and watching/hearing the daily struggles made me feel these things:
1. I'm getting less and less sure concerning how good of a mother I could have been if my child wasn't the angel child that I was (during TTC) probably wishing for. Not that I was always sure I could be a good mother, mind you, but back then the primal drive to become a mother trumped all the other worries/fears/thoughts.
Other than the fact that kids in general can really push your buttons, some kids are tougher to handle than others and some kids have more problems that you can't really handle without the help of experts. Add to that is the lethal combination of the outer world that doesn't understand your silent struggles, the outer world who judges you and excludes you/your kid. Because to a certain extent, you can't really choose the kind of child that you're going to have. I remember someone once told me that she hoped that her child would have a similar personality to the father instead of herself because she felt that she was a more difficult child.
2. It's a crazy jungle of child-rearing out there and I feel less and less interest in jumping into that kind of jungle anymore. The cons of having children have outweighed the pros by a few miles now.
I believe this is mostly due to the fact that the distance between me and our buried dream is quite far now, but it's interesting to note the shifts. I definitely feel much freer now. It feels like this trip has made me found more closure in regards to my buried dream.
That said, though, watching/hearing the daily grind of parenthood makes me understand more the existence of all those slogans and quotes concerning the importance and value of parenthood and I do admire those who are up to the task.
I'll end this here. Will catch up on blog reading later on.
A while ago I spent time with two friends. One of them has just had an empty nest 'coz her sons have recently moved out of the house to study in the city. She said that she had then learnt to enjoy life again just with the hubby - though of course every now and then the kids come back for a visit, but still she said it was interesting to find the house "so quiet".
The other friend commented that her parents didn't seem to want to live in a house with just the two of them after their children moved out of the house. They had had plenty of foster children along the years and now that they have finally reached the age when they should retire, they opt to have a lodger.
I've just been thinking that hubby and I can be - in a twisted way - considered ourselves to be in an empty nest without actually experiencing all the things that parents do before they reach that stage. The big difference is that we don't have to go through any adjustment periods between the time when the kids are born until the time when they leave the house. We're HERE already!
That was actually an interesting thought - at least for me it is. It's like suddenly realizing, "Hey! We've been doing GREAT despite the circumstances! We don't need to wonder anymore after years of child-bearing if we can still connect with each other and if we can enjoy each other's company 'coz that's what we've been doing anyway."
Anyway, just for the sake of recording my IF journey, the other week we had a "false alarm". My menstrual cycle is normally around 32-43 days (mostly around 36-38 days), but the other week I was wondering why my period hadn't come yet and I then looked it up my menstrual calendar and realized that it was already day 44.
My period finally came on day 47, though in between day 44 and 47, I was torn amongst so many different thoughts. At first the idea of being pregnant made me excited, esp. 'coz I could then share the news with my mother and my MIL, but then after that came a barrage of FEAR...worries about how we could work out our finance if I had to stop working, worries about how on earth we can bring up sane children in this crazy world. At the end of the day, the worries and the fear triumphed more than the joy of the thought of having kids. Maybe it also had to do with the fact that I had been thinking of our future without kids, so I'm so used to that kind of family picture already.
Funnily enough, both hubby and I felt a HUGE relief when my period finally came. Strange how I could have been so "baby-obsessed" at one time and then now I'm reaching this stage where we don't think we want babies anymore. But the most important thing of all is that both hubby and I are on the same page. Feels BRILLIANT to be on the same page with him! :-D
