Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Then vs Now: Warring Thoughts on Pregnancy

My period cycle ranges between 31-43 days, averaging 35 days. In the beginning of time (2010) after we sort of decided to live life without kids (though not really 100% sure yet), whenever I got closer to my period, I would have those warring thoughts again, "Oh, maybe I'll get pregnant this month. Maybe my period won't come. Maybe I'll get to feel a child growing inside me. Hmmm...I wonder how he'll look like...then next year we'll have to stop travelling until the child is big enough etc. etc. etc."

I remember one time my period was 2 days late (so 45 days) and I started daydreaming again about our possible child etc. etc. etc. and as usual another part of me scolded me, "Are you CRAZY?!?!?!?! Do you wanna go through it all over again? The disappointment? The grief? STOP IT, stupid brain!!! (add some expletives here)" 

And you know what? A couple of times I even had these thoughts when I wasn't even sure that we made love on my fertile days (because I'd stopped counting). Then started the war all over again. The "But imagine how your child could look like and how happy your parents and in-laws are gonna be etc. etc. etc." versus "Are you delusional? You don't even know if you made love on your fertile days, how is it possible to get pregnant?" Crazy, I know. No wonder some people may consider me obsessed he he...

However, I've noticed a shift since more or less last year (as far as I remember). Last year I had a scare. Again my period was 2 days later than normal and I was actually scared of getting pregnant. I had been focusing on this thought "we're a complete family just the two of us" that I really wished my period would come. And I was sighing in relief when my period finally came.

Have you ever had these types of warring thoughts, too? 
 

10 comments:

  1. I, like you, have changed my thoughts from 3 years ago when I was hopeful and wishing for a pregnancy to now. It doesn't really cross my mind much and I think mine is more because I don't get a regular period anymore...haven't had one since April! I know that chapter is closed for us and I am really fine with our family of two (plus two adorable cats!)

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    1. THANKS for sharing your experience, J. :-) You sure have adorable cats!

      Funny thing, I can't wait to reach the age where I can tell people it's impossible to get pregnant, so they'll stop hoping for us.

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  2. I certainly don't expect to be pregnant, but I'm still in the mindset of being hopeful. I'm trying to embrace child free, and yet I'm doing some halfway crazy things to my body and I know hope for a natural pregnancy is sitting in the back of my mind, even though I'm mostly doing it to be healthy and balanced. I'm certainly not to the pregnancy "scare" point. This is the worst kind of rollercoaster...

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    1. Dipitie, I'm SO SORRY about the hellish rollercoaster. I've been there, too. Just remember to be kind to yourself. I wish you some peace amidst the storms. And THANKS for sharing your answer.

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  3. I remember the first time this happened. We'd been accepting our lives without children, when my period was late. Now, I knew it could have been my age, but to be that late was unusual. Because of my history of ectopic pregnancies, I knew that if I was pregnant it could be dangerous so I had to take a test. It was negative, and I felt so relieved. But conflicted, and feeling guilty, about being happy not to be pregnant.

    It's different for me now. No-one (or almost no-one) expects me to get pregnant (or adopt) at my advanced age now!

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    1. THANKS for sharing your story, Mali.

      I actually can't wait for people NOT to expect me to get pregnant. I even joked to hubby to get a snip just so I can tell people that we can't get pregnant LOL!

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  4. Thanks so much for sharing this story, Amel. I'm so on the fence now with everything. It's nice to know that there will be a time when you stop thinking, at least for a little while, about whether you might just get pregnant naturally this time around. I can relate so well to your story as well as to all those who commented.
    xxx

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    1. My pleasure, Annie! Take your time...I know it's not a nice period of time, but just take it one day at a time. If not, it'll drive you crazy to try to think of WHEN you're going to stop being on the fence and frustration won't help. HUGE HUGS!!!!!!!!!!! May you find bits and pieces of peace during this tough period.

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  5. YES. After we stopped fertility treatment, I secretly continued to hope for an "oops" pregnancy. And then a few years later, when I was about 43 or 44, I was LATE. And it was Christmastime -- a Christmas miracle, right?? It just all seemed too cute. And I was FURIOUS -- at myself, for being careless & for daring to think the unthinkable. Especially when I knew that the odds of me successfully carrying a pregnancy to term were not very good. And here I was just starting to feel like I might be getting the hang of this childless living thing and now my body was jerking me around again. :p We were visiting my parents & dh & I snuck to the drugstore for an hpt, like a couple of guilty teenagers. It was negative & Aunt Flo finally arrived -- it was one of my longest cycles ever, for whatever reason. We were a lot more careful after that. It made me realize that maybe I had come a lot further along the road to acceptance than I had realized.

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    1. THANK YOU for sharing your journey, loribeth. I hope these stories can help others feel "normal" whenever they have these warring thoughts.

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