Thursday, October 21, 2010


When I first started having baby fever (around the 2nd month of TTC back in 2008) and when the baby fever started going stronger and stronger, I shared about it with my closest friends. Having known me for at least 15 years, they know my character very well.

After a year had passed by and then we were officially into the "infertile" group, I started browsing for many online sources on infertility and I read so many infertility blogs 'coz I felt alienated in my turmoil. I shared my findings with my closest friends and a few months after I began sharing my findings with them, one of them told me this, "You know, when you first started having your baby fever, at first my thought was 'Oh no, here she goes again' 'coz I thought you were just being you. That's the Amel I've known. BUT after reading your stories about how many other women out there who've experienced what you've experienced in terms of the turmoils you felt and how crazy it looked to me, I began to understand that it's a common theme in many people who are actively TTC."

I have to admit that I was rather stunned when I read her sentences, but I understand why she wrote those words 'coz I AM an intense person in many ways compared to my closest friends. I LOVE planning way ahead of time and anticipating things (esp. good things). When I got back to Indo in October 2008, I deliberately bought bigger sized pants and the type of tops that would fit me even if I got pregnant soon. I told my friends about this and thus they must have thought that it must've happened 'coz I was who I was (the intense planner). But now I realize that other people also do this in anticipation of their upcoming pregnancies.

Well, after a year passed by, when I was really down and out, I CURSED myself for having bought those oversized clothes. I was really angry and disappointed, but now I don't feel that way anymore, though I'm not going to buy any oversized clothing anymore.

Anyway, enough rambling. In a way, I also feel that I don't really belong in the IF world 'coz of these reasons:

a. We've not tried any treatment and we've decided not to pursue any kind of treatment, though that doesn't mean we'll stop trying naturally (although it's not really actively TTC 'coz we've stopped timed sex months and months ago).

b. I've never got pregnant and thus I've never experienced any miscarriage, so I can't really relate to those who've experienced that.

c. Menopause is still far away, so I can't really say that I have accepted FULLY living childless 'coz God knows if He's going to give us kids later on before menopause comes or not. And until menopause comes, I don't think I can still keep that whisper of hope shut. But that doesn't mean that I haven't tried learning to live childless, either.

d. We've not decided on adopting yet and as time goes by, it doesn't seem more likely for us to pursue adoption.

It feels like I'm in between both worlds: the world of IFers who're still trying their hardest to get pregnant or to have a baby through adoption and the world of IFers who're "over the hills already" (those who're now living childless).

How do I feel about all this? Nothing much. Just stating the facts and just wanting to record my journey in this blog. I still feel a tug in my heart (depending on my mood and whether PMS strikes or not) whenever I see small children, but my logic's still strong when it comes to acknowledging how life's much simpler without children ('coz I can be as selfish as I can be: I can sleep late, get up later when I'm not working, we can travel and not think about anything else other than the fund, etc. etc. etc.)

P.S. It's been snowing today, but the ground temp. is still above 0'C, so the snow melts right away. Can't wait till snow stays on the ground, making everything looks brighter. Let is snow, let it snow, let it snowwww...


  1. hi there! i've appreciated all your comments, thank you. so fun to hear from someone from 'south east asian' back ground too! (i'm from singapore! i grew up there, tho i was born in nz.)

    i'm sorry that you are on this journey too. i can understand what you mean when you say you don't totally relate to the 'usual IFer'... because you haven't tried treatment, etc.

    but i think at the same time, a lot of the core issues are the same... like the battle to accept that having children may not happen, not knowing how to 'hope', not knowing how to plan for your future, etc...

    good to know i'm not the only one who bought looser clothing hahaha. sigh. so sucky huh.

    well... thinking of you. glad to meet you friend!

  2. Sas: Hey, nice to get to know you! Yeah, buying looser clothing was probably a HUGE mistake ha ha ha...but anyway, we live, we learn, eh? :-D

    THANKS for all your comments, too! You're right about the core issues in IF journey, though.

  3. being in between TTC and figuring out what is your next step in the process can be a difficult place to be. I hope you are able to find happiness in whatever path you choose.

  4. Jrs: We've decided not to try anything and we don't think we'll try adoption, either. That's why it feels like hanging in limbo 'coz I'm not old enough to have menopause. But we've found happiness even in this limbo and that's what matters most. :-D What I just wanted to say in this post was that I couldn't feel like I belonged in any group (yet).


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