Tuesday, April 12, 2011

This Stage

I'm now at the stage where I'm not really sure anymore that I want kids - or if we are meant to be parents. Not sure if it's partly due to self-defense mechanism or not, but it's what it is. A close friend's sister is currently pregnant, but I didn't feel anything bad or painful when I heard about it. These days I can also look at pregnant bellies or small children without feeling stabs of longing.

Not sure how long this stage will last, but I'm enjoying it as much as I can. It feels BLISSFUL to be able to be in this stage.

Soon it'll be three years since we first started to try to have kids (can't really say that we've been trying for the past year, though). Right now I can say that IF is like using a free kind of birth control without any side effects or operation and I can say this without any cynicism or sad feelings.

I just wanna be THANKFUL for God's peace of mind at this stage...to be honest, the other week I reread some of my old posts and I was surprised to read how dark they were (no wonder non-IFers can be really shocked while reading IFers thoughts or posts). At that time I never thought I could reach this stage, but I am here now, so I'm going to make the best out of it. :-D Glory to God!!!


  1. that is a massive thing to 'get to' and they say IF-ers do get to this point eventually. i'm not sure if i ever did... but i admire those who say they can look at pregnant bellies and babies without it being too painful. def still not easy but just less heartache. but it is true... life as two is also a whole family unit and we need to continue to realise that too huh. brave of you to put all this out there!

  2. @Sas: It is weird, isn't it? During my darkest days, I wouldn't have dared even dream of reaching this stage 'coz I was just so caught up in the crazy roller-coaster of emotions. Feels strange but true.

    THANKS for your words of encouragement. :-D I need to write things down so that I can look back on what I've been through - and hopefully along the way what I write may help someone else too. At least it's made me find some others who are going through IF and that feels GREAT! :-D :-D :-D


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