Why Me?

The question "Why me?" tortured my mind during my infertility journey. I think many of you (if not all) are able to relate to that.


One of the things I found early on was a quote that went like this, "Don't ask 'why me'. Instead ask 'why not me?'"

I knew that it was supposed to be an empowering quote, but in my anger at that time, I couldn't accept that kind of challenge. I didn't like it because thinking about "why not me" didn't appease the anger. So the struggle continued and I was subconsciously trying to find any answer that could appease me. I think I even pretended to shake it off at some point by telling myself that the question didn't bother me and I couldn't care less about it, but it still came out to taunt me every now and then.

Over time one of the things that crossed my mind was that anyone on earth could have asked the "why" question about many aspects of my life. I mean, if you really try to think about it globally...some people who are born with poor, abusive parents in a shitty neighbourhood may just ask me the question, "Why wasn't I not born in your family instead? I'd love to have a proper education, too." I don't know. Why was I the one who was born in my family?

And my mind went even further: Why was that particular person in the wrong place at the wrong time? Why wasn't I the one being kidnapped and abused and killed in such a brutal way? Why wasn't I born in China in a poor family who had to sell me as a rich, old man's concubine in order to pay off their debts? Why wasn't I the one being run over by that drunk driver? Why wasn't I the one left crippled/dead because of that drunk driver?

Mind you, I don't want to experience all the things (who would?), but my mind just went into overdrive. And the more I tried to think of other possible "why" questions coming from different people about any kind of topics available on earth, the only conclusion I got was: "I don't know why. It's just life. It's not fair. It's nothing personal." Funnily enough, that answer and this brain exercise were enough to appease me.  

Another thing that helped me was something that I found by accident. It was a quote that went like this: "If you want to ask why for all the bad things that happen to you, you have to ask the same question for all the good things that happen to you." Slap! Ouch!

Why me? Why not someone else who probably has given the same amount of effort and not less talented than I am? I don't know. That's just life. It's nothing personal. Again and again that was the only answer I could give. But at least this quote that has slapped me on the face has also helped me count my blessings instead of focusing on my troubles. 

Have you been asking the "why" question as well? And what kind of answers have you found along the way? 

P.S. Along the way I also found this Christian blogger who wrote about her faith and the "why me" question: It's Not About Me. 

Maybe I've even linked this post once, but I still think it's important enough to be linked again. Rest in peace, Sara! Your blog continues to be a blessing for me even long after you're gone...

Thoughts on This and That

1. The other night I suddenly remembered something that I was planning to do if I could ever conceive. Thankfully, it doesn't make me feel any pain or grief. On the contrary, it makes me smile nostalgically.

You see, my mom used to tell us many times how some elder in her family told her to pray for her babies before they came to the world. Literally praying for them while pushing them out. My mom remembered the advice, so she did it while sending me and my brother off to the world. She prayed that God would smooth out our paths and she hoped for equal financial provision for the both of us (she didn't want one of us to be so rich whereas the other one so poor as to induce sibling rivalry and jealousy but she wanted us to have enough in life).

During TTC, I always remembered this story and I was bent on sending a prayer the way she did, though I hadn't exactly planned the content of the prayer itself, but at least I had kept a mental note to remember to do this while pushing my baby out.

Ah, plans, plans, plans! :-) There's only so much that we can control in life.


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2. I was talking to my close friends in a group email about infertility (after a long absence of that topic) and its impact. I told them how in the past, I used to be very angry when I thought of all those children in abusive families or when I saw a pregnant woman smoking because I felt that they didn't deserve to be mothers. I added that these days I don't feel that way anymore. 

One of them, being raised in a Christian family that stressed heavily on the weight of sin and the unworthiness of mankind to receive His grace and salvation, wrote that she never felt deserved to be a mother (even though she's a mother now).

That comment made me think. I wrote back, saying that I actually never felt sure that I was definitely going to be a good mother, because I had no idea what kind of child I could be dealing with. What I felt deserving at that angry period was a chance. 

It's nice to talk to people and realize more things about yourself. :-) 

P.S. My parents sent us to Christian schools, but they found God much later in life, so they never really tried to drill religious related stuff into our heads. My brother and I found God when we were teenagers. 


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3. Mother's Day is coming here and I'm feeling psyched. I've prepared a post for this community and I've done a test run on it in an online forum. Thankful for all the feedback from the ladies there because I'm also considering sharing it in FB (just that post, not my blog link). I've also prepared some gifts for my MIL and we're going to spend a day with her as usual. I wonder how it'd feel like on Mother's Day when/if my MIL passes away earlier than I do. Oh well...we shall see how it goes...

I'm also psyched for our upcoming car trip because I'm going to have my first week of summer holiday sometime this month and thankfully hubby can also take a few days off and he wants to go for a car trip (day trip), so it's EXCITING because it's rare for him to want to do something like this.

I don't drive, you see, so I can't initiate something like this. Sure we can go by bus, but it's expensive and there aren't any trains running all the way up here (a round-trip bus ticket to Rovaniemi, a city about 1.5 hours away from this village, costs €50/person and this time we're going even further south). So this year Mother's Day preparation is "swallowed up" by other stuff (in a good way) he he he he he...:-D

Derailed

Warning: This post is full of my thoughts and feelings related to my journey as a Christian. 

When you feel like you've done everything right and you've prepared yourself for a dream and then you find that the dream isn't in reach over and over and over again, you're struggling to find the meaning to this "waiting" period while secretly you're scared whether or not you'll ever reach your dream.

When I was struggling with God in my infertility journey, it was hard to get rid of the thought of "the unfairness of it all" when people who seemed to be abandoning or abusing kids could have kids so easily. I also struggled with the whole idea that "God is good". 

Why didn't He fulfill our dream? At that time I felt that it was one of the most selfless dreams of all*. After all, we didn't ask for riches or fame or power (not taking anything from anyone else - position or money - so to speak). We only wanted a person to call our own, our own flesh and blood, to love and to cherish (that normally would only take making love to create). It didn't help that in the Bible there were lots more stories of miracle pregnancies and answered prayers for barren women. 

* Side note: Though, ironically enough, some people claim this to be a selfish dream (with all the many abandoned children across the world).

I remember being angry at God at the unfairness of it all. Why did He answer some prayers but not others? It was the thought that He didn't deem us fit as parents that also haunted me for a period of time, even though I also knew that if I truly believed He was a sovereign God, then I should have known better.

“You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth of falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you. It is easy to say you believe a rope to be strong and sound as long as you are merely using it to cord a box. But suppose you had to hang by that rope over a precipice. Wouldn't you then first discover how much you really trusted it?” 

- C.S. Lewis (A Grief Observed)

 
While struggling to make sense of my journey, I found some quotes that have helped me. If what I believe about God is solid, then I will never doubt God's goodness at all. Yes, the world is so full of stories of injustice, but the world is full of imperfect people with free will, so it's only natural that injustice exists because people do make mistakes. (And when I say people, that includes me)

“If God 'foresaw' our acts, it would be very hard to understand how we could be free not to do them. But suppose god is outside and above the Time-line... You never supposed that your actions at this moment were any less free because God knows what you are doing. Well, He know your tomorrow's actions in just the same way--because He is already in tomorrow and can simply watch you. In a sense, He does not know your action till you have done it: but the moment at which you have done it is already 'NOW' for Him.” 
- C.S. Lewis (Mere Christianity)

"My idea of God is not a divine idea. It has to be shattered time after time. He shatters it Himself.” 
- C.S. Lewis (A Grief Observed)

“God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn't. In this trial He makes us occupy the dock, the witness box, and the bench all at once. He always knew that my temple was a house of cards. His only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down.” 
- C.S. Lewis (A Grief Observed)

Further along in my journey I also found more comforting quotes from Glenn Packiam's book Secondhand Jesus.

"He will do everything in His power - everything - to make us His. So if giving us stuff achieves that goal, so be it. But if allowing things to be taken away gets us there quicker, He may just opt for that route."

I took comfort in the idea that God is and will be using my infertility journey somehow. I surrendered to Him unwillingly at first. Along my journey, these Bible verses have also helped me a lot in making sense of it all...

Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort;

Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.

For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ.

- 2 Cor 1:3-5

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Last but not least, this was one of the songs that comforted me during my toughest moments...I sang this song over and over for a period of time because I felt my faith slipping away and I needed to hold on to that frail and thin thread of faith left in me...and this song has blessed me tremendously. 

Random Thoughts Before New Year

1. The Important Letter.

I've sent my mom the letter via my brother (I asked him to print it out). It ended up being a 4-page MS Word document (plus a paragraph on the 5th page). Still no word from her via SMS to me. I imagine it's going to take time for her to bury the dream that she's been having for us. I hope the other half of my letter gave her comfort, because the first half talked about my honest feelings when it came to our infertility journey. It was REALLY hard to write the letter and I was on edge the whole day yesterday while waiting for the response. 

In the end I contacted my brother via YM and asked him how it went. She said that mom had cried. I was so emotional during our chat in YM and I started crying, too. My bro helped explain to her that I wasn't blaming her and that I knew she meant well, but that I'd like to be supported not by her praying about a miracle pregnancy or by her telling me to keep on praying to get pregnant. I have given her more ideas on what to pray on in the letter, so hope that helps, too. My bro said that she must be sad when she read about our struggles and all the feelings that I had during the tough period of our infertility journey. I sent her an SMS yesterday, telling her that I'm thankful to have a mother who prays for me and that I love her and I ask her not to be too sad because we're doing fine.


2. Infertility and Relationships.

Sometimes I feel that infertility is a double-edged sword. When I was preparing to write the letter for my mom, I knew it would crush her, too. I don't want to crush her dream for us, but I felt that it must be done for the sake of our relationship. I began to feel our relationship cracking and I don't want to lose our relationship. I was struggling to try to find a way on how to crush her dream gently and I hope I have succeeded in doing so. 

Other than that, here's also something I wrote weeks ago about infertility and friendship:  

"Infertility is a tricky thing to deal with when you have a pregnant close friend whose pregnancy reminds you of your losses. As much as you'd like your friends to tell you as many parts of their joys and sorrows and as much as you'd like to tell your friends about your joys and sorrows, it's not that easy to figure out the fine line. The fine line where you don't want to burst someone else's happy bubble by telling them that their stories trigger very soft spots within yourself, but then again you wonder if you should let them know about at least some of them because you want them to understand your journey. The fine line where you wonder how much stuff you should tell your friends about your feelings because you fear that they are going to hold back sharing their joys because they don't want to hurt you, but on the other hand you don't want to miss all the lovely moments even if those moments trigger some pain within your deepest self."

It IS a shame that infertility is affecting those around me this way, but I welcome the lessons that it's giving me (and other lessons that it will give me in the future).


3. I found this article via an FB share and I LOVE LOVE LOVE it for so many different reasons so I'd share it here too: Confronting the Lie: God Won't Give You More Than You Can Handle.  

4. A friend of mine gave me this challenge weeks ago and I've finally found my word for 2014. 

My word of the year is “Disentangle”. I need to practise disentangling myself from any emotional connection or baggage so that I can take a step back and celebrate other people’s beautiful moments with them without drowning in grief when their beautiful moments are the ones that acutely remind me of what I will never have. I want to disentangle myself from those heavy weights that make me want to crawl or drown in my grief so that I can stand up and continue my healing journey.

Here's the challenge in case you want to participate: What Will You Choose For Your Word of 2014? 

Last but not least, Happy New Year! Wishing you more peace, comfort, and healing throughout 2014!  
 

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Making The Best of My Life

The other day a regular customer of mine asked me "the question". I've worked in the same place for a little over 3 years but that was the first time he asked me that question. It was because I had finished worked and I was walking to my bike stand, so he asked if I had time to chit-chat and I said yes (we had a short convo while I packed some stuff into my bike's bags). When I said no, he immediately asked, "Are you going to try to have kids?"

I said no. 

He asked, "But why not? Don't you think kids are fun/great to have?"

I vaguely answered, "Weeeeeellll..."

I was debating inside on whether or not I should tell him that we couldn't have children, but thankfully he let it go and we parted ways soon after that and to be fair, he gave me a compliment about my work before ending our chit-chat, so I thanked him. 

Over the course of my IF journey, every now and then (esp. in the beginning) I felt this nagging question of "If you're not a mother/parent, what are you doing with your life?" There were times when I acutely felt the urge to find something "as grand/noble" to fill my life with, because if we really think about it, being able to be directly involved in the life of the future generation is really something. And because I'm not working in a place like that, that nagging question pops up every now and then, but so far I've countered them with these thoughts: 


1. God wants me to be faithful with what He's entrusted me with no matter how "small" it may be, so I'm gonna focus on doing my best to take care of what I have (job, marriage, healthy friendships - don't need no toxic friends, thanks) every single day of my life.

Someone once suggested to me about being foster parents or doing things involving other people's kids, but I don't feel called to do those things, so I'm not going to force myself to do it even if I have the opportunity.

2. "If you think you're too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito." - Dalai Lama 


I believe in the ripple effect. I believe that many times in life we don't know what kind of difference we may have made because the ripple effect is so subtle and we may not even know about it at all in our lifetime or we may only find out about it much later in life. But that doesn't matter. What matters is still back to number #1: making the best of each aspect of my life. 

3. When all else fails, I'll keep recharging myself with God's words:

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. 
- Psalm 139:13

Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 
- 2 Cor 12:19

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Mellow Mood

PMS mode here. Just read a post about a blogger friend's friend's demise and she wrote such a beautiful post on her that just made me ache inside. Life isn't as simple as ABC. There are so many people facing their own challenges or "crosses to bear" all around me and those challenges are made even more vivid whenever I get to hear some more details about them. 

Lately I've been having lots of conversations related to children or actually pregnancies and babies with some friends.* One is pregnant and another one has started feeling the longing for motherhood. I was really happy when I heard about the pregnancy, but about half an hour afterwards the storm started within. I suddenly felt mellow and sad. I was uneasy 'coz I didn't know why I felt so sad (a different kind of sadness than what I experienced in the past). It wasn't that I started longing to have children again, mind you. Not that. 

I actually just realized (while writing this post) that the news and the talk about pregnancy and the other friend's future TTC plan transported me face-to-face with my "dead/buried dreams". As if I were suddenly standing right in front of those rows and rows of buried dreams and I couldn't help shedding a few tears (literally just a few tears, not sobbing like crazy). I was again reminded of how many dead dreams that I had to let go of and I suppose the sight of it all kinda overwhelmed me: seeing not just the buried dream of achieving pregnancy, but also the opportunity to feel the morning sickness, to feel the baby kicking inside of me, to talk about hubby about the details of the baby room, to share the news with my friends and family, to hear their shrieks of delight upon hearing the news, to share preggy photos and USG photos, to give birth, to share baby photos, etc. etc. etc. And the list kept going on. 

* Note: This is the kind of talk I want to be involved in 'coz I do care about them with all my heart. And I know they care about me with all that they've got as well. 

Photo taken from here

And on another level, again I couldn't help but think how "easy" it seemed for some people to get preggy. The latest pregnancy news reminded me of my SIL's pregnancy. When I first found out about her second pregnancy, she told me that it was a surprise 'coz she said that "they weren't even so diligent in TTC" though they were trying to have one. Words like these came back to the surface every now and then. The more often I hear words like these, the closer I got to feeling that my body wasn't working the way it should have been (in the past I had not felt this at all, I think - at least I didn't really think that way). 

Thankfully, though, the storm lasted only for about 6 hours (yeah, I'm slightly crazy about details LOL!). In the middle of it, I was screaming to God, "Help me, help me, help me focus on others' happiness instead of focusing on myself, pleaasssseeeeee." I also kept on remembering this verse: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (1 Corinthians 12:9)


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That helped, as well as saying this mantra over and over again, "It's NOT about me, NOT about me, NOT about me, NOT about me". I went to bed pretty easily that night, though I must admit that it's bloody hard to try to focus on their happiness without looking back on my own history. And I couldn't help feeling "left out" - because I DO want to share the happiness by sharing my own story, but I have no story to tell except my Mom's stories about her being pregnant with us and my own childhood stories. 

But I think I've done a pretty decent job in trying to focus on them and their plans for the future instead of focusing on me (I may have slipped a few times but not too many times). Actually, writing all of this has made me feel SO much lighter. :-D

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Guilt and Infertility #2

Last night I remembered another type of guilt that happened during my IF journey. You see, during the emotional chaos inside me, when envy, jealousy, self-pity, resentment, cynicism, anger (most of all towards God), guilt (for not being able to give joy to the parents and in-laws and hubby in terms of being preggy), frustration, sorrow, grief, pain raged on, another type of guilt came up. This guilt reared its ugly head exactly because I had felt all those emotions within me. I felt like the worst version of myself. 

I DID NOT want to feel envious and jealousy and self-pity and all those. Only after reading hundreds of blog posts echoing similar voices did I start to open myself up to the fact that I wasn't crazy and that it was probably useless to try to fight them all off (to keep them at a distance). And reading about those who had gone much further up on the healing stage than the start of the battlefield that I was in helped A LOT in giving me hope that it was just a phase that I had to go through.

*** Additional note: This type of guilt also came up because whenever jealousy/envy/self-pity appeared, it felt as though I wasn't being thankful for the things that I had. 

So my view shifted. I embraced those feelings and I started thinking that maybe, just maybe...by being able to feel all those feelings would help me understand others who had felt similar emotions. And in the end if that meant that I could make only ONE other person feel "understood", then it was all worth it. And that if all of it brought me closer to God, then it was all worth it.

And just like what Mali said in the comment section, it is imperative to separate the guilt that feels like saying "I am bad" from "I do feel these things, but that doesn't mean I'm a bad person JUST BECAUSE I'm feeling all these things. That only means I'm a human being that is capable of feeling these extreme emotions."
 

Guilt and Infertility #1

Read these words the other day while browsing around: 

"we have been conditioned to seek approval from other people from others for the things we say and do...Most people have been taught that feeling guilty about something shows that you care about it, and that not feeling guilty means you don't, which then makes you a 'bad' person..."

That's VERY true, isn't it? 

Infertility roused up a sum of guilt in myself for not being able to provide a grandchild/grandchildren for my parents and hubby's parents. It took time to get rid of this guilt because at that time I also felt other very strong emotions on top of the guilt (jealousy, envy, grief, sorrow, pain, anger, doubt, etc.) that I had to deal with.

I remember sharing to someone about this guilt (after we had more or less resolved our infertility by letting go) and she said, "Don't let anyone make you feel guilty about something like this!"

After reading her words, I realized that none of my parents and in-laws had actually ever (deliberately) made me feel guilty about it. They never nagged me and asked me, "When are you going to make us grandparents?" or things like that. The guilt came because I DID want to give them a grandchild/grandchildren and I knew they wanted to have more grandchildren if they could ('coz that would bring them joy as well). It's funny that sometimes other people don't necessarily do or say things that make us feel guilty, but there are things inside ourselves that make us feel that way. 


I remember wondering if I should have felt "guilty" because I couldn't come back home for my Dad's funeral, but I must admit that I didn't feel any guilt because I felt that I had done everything I could when he was alive and not long before he passed away I had a chance to say what I wanted to tell him. The only guilt I felt was only because I left my bro and Mom busy before and during the funeral, though I'm sure that my relatives would help out, but still it made me feel a bit bad for not being able to be there for them.

I remember one close friend once told me not to feel guilty for having left my family behind (esp. when my parents were having health problems for example) because on the other side of the equation, my brother and family are able to enjoy having my parents with them (for example my Mom helps take care of their kid and still cooks for them). Hearing my close friend's words soothed me. 

Guilt is very sneaky, though...healthy guilt would/should propel us to improve ourselves and to learn from our mistakes, but unhealthy grief can only serve to burden us more and more as time goes by. I've managed to cut off the chain of guilt that weighed me down for not being able to give grandchildren to both sides of the family (as well as for not being able to turn hubby into a father), but I'm sure there'll be many more guilt lessons to learn from in the future. May God help me discern which is which...
 

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On Blessings

The word "blessing" has been running in circles in my brain. IMHO, whenever I say "I'm blessed" or whenever I thank God for a "blessing", it doesn't mean that I've earned it or I deserve it "for everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God's glorious standard" (Rome 3:23 New Living Standard Translation). 

I do believe in causes and consequences, but I also believe that this world is as random as can be. I believe that people have choices to make and that some choices may yield bad results and that is one reason why there's chaos everywhere. I do believe that some choices we make may yield good results, but there's never a guarantee that if we make good choices then we'll get good results in the end.

Sometimes the choices people make are more limited than others and sometimes the only choice they can make is just to choose a better attitude/POV. I believe that God doesn't promise anyone an easy life, but for those who believe in God and lean on Him, He will definitely help them throughout life's many ups and downs because He cares enough to have sent His son to save us.

When it comes to infertility, unless God himself has told someone directly that the infertility is the cause of that person's sins or whatever wrongdoing of his/hers, I don't believe that it's a punishment from God or a specific test from God (who's closed down the womb for unknown reasons). During our TTC days, I did wonder if He didn't deem us fit/ready as parents. I struggled with it A LOT. But it doesn't make any sense if I try to think of it logically because it is clear that some people don't look ready to be parents.

After the struggle, I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter whether or not I understand what God has in mind. It doesn't matter even if I haven't received the "blessings" that I have asked and prayed for. It doesn't matter even if I will never ever get the "blessings" that I long for/longed for. He cares about me and He has comforted me in ways that I could have not done on my own. He has sustained me through the storm and that's enough. After all, sometimes He calms the storm and sometimes He calms the child. 

And thus, when it comes to blessings, this is what I believe in:

Then and Now

During the time I was bombarded with pregnancy news and pics as well as a newborn baby's pics, I had time to think. In the past the sense of loss was MUCH more acute in my heart even when I wasn't having PMS. These days I feel that the challenge is more about shouting out the world's "shouts" that celebrate motherhood/parenthood/children.

In the past watching pregnant bellies at work could trigger my loss so much so that I just wanted to hide in the bathroom ASAP and BAWL. And along with the tears came the rage, jealousy, envy, frustration, self-pity, self-hate, and all that jazz.*

* Note to self: I think a close friend's pregnancy may still affect me differently. This is just talking about other people's pregnancies in general.

Nowadays I feel "frustrated" and "upset" whenever these things happen because all I see is "red" (AKA the world's ideal type of family: those that include a child/children):

a. Those "typical" movie endings (mostly drama/romance/comedy movies) that portray a pregnancy or some kids in the future (fast forward a few years ahead). "Bah humbug!" I'd say...

b. Among so many cute animal pics (I'm a cat person), suddenly something like this pops out: "There's nothing more beautiful than seeing a mother and its offspring(s)." Urghhhh! *gag reflex*

c. ...I'll add more when I find new things that make me react strongly.

While being bombarded by the pregnancy news and pics, at one point I got SO frustrated because all I heard was "the world's ideal type of family" that became louder and louder and louder that I finally got fed up and shouted, "God, please tell me that there's something good/important to learn while I'm being torn by these emotions inside. Is there anything good/important at all in all this chaos? IS THERE?!?!?!?!?!"

The reply came as quickly as I had uttered the words. The reply was: "So that you'll look to Me for your worth instead of what the world deems as your worth."

That reply was enough to abate the storm brewing inside of me. My heart was finally appeased. :-) THANK YOU for the answer, Father!

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Christmas Wishes

Here are my wishes this holiday season for my fellow IFers:

That your IF wounds aren't bleeding profusely
That people around you are sensitive towards you
That you feel God's warmth inside you
Telling you that He understands and you're not alone
That you can confide in Him about anything at all
That you're precious in His eyes just as you are right now
Despite yourself, despite your non-mom status

That God's peace and comfort blanket you 
Even though you don't understand why
Even though the storms of life are whirling all around you
That God's grace lifts your spirit up
Whenever you feel bruised and battered inside

That if you're surrounded by your big family this holiday season
You feel pure joy rather than sorrow
'Coz it reminds you of what you haven't got

That you know that there are people who care about you
Even though they may not understand fully what IF is all about
That there is at least one person who reaches out to you compassionately
When you need it the most

That you keep learning to love yourself despite yourself
Even if you still feel all those ugly emotions churning inside you
That you keep learning to be your own best friend
Especially when you're being your own worst enemy

Most of all, though, I pray for more healing for each and every one of us...

Have a blessed Christmas and a lovely New Year!



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Mercy

Visited FIL in the old people's home on Father's Day last Sunday. Having been an Alzheimer's patient for years, his condition is slowly but surely getting worse. Even when MIL was still taking care of him at home, it was clear how tough it was to take care of him on her own, especially since one of the medication made his body stiffer than ever!!! They changed the medication, but it made him restless at nights and she couldn't sleep at all because she was afraid he may leave the house or fall down. After all, she's been wearing hearing aids since she was young, so she couldn't hear anything much without the hearing aids (have to shout really loud if she's not wearing them).

Watching FIL being a bed-ridden patient is tough. Must be especially tough for MIL, who deep down still wants to take care of him at home, but she just can't do it anymore. It took two healthy nurses a lot of time just to change his diaper and clean him up. MIL can't possibly do that anymore, especially since FIL's legs aren't as strong anymore to hold his own body weight. 

Every time I visit FIL, I'm reminded of mercy and it makes me think of my old age. If God gives me a long life where my health deteriorates in ways I may not possibly guess, unless hubby can take care of me at home, I'll be at the mercy of other people (strangers). 

I hope that if strangers have to take care of me when I'm "not myself" anymore, I hope they'll have mercy on me. Some people become so belligerent when they get older whereas some, like FIL, become so passive. Some manage to stay relatively healthy until the day they die (like my Dad who could still wash himself and did many things on his own until the day he got the heart attack despite the onset of dementia). 

I'll never know what'll happen to me, but seeing FIL makes me want to send a wish to God that if something like this happens (either I become belligerent or I have dementia or Alzheimer's), then I hope my caretaker(s) will have mercy on me and will forgive me for my actions/words if I become such a different person later on.

The quality of mercy is not strain'd, 

It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath: it is twice blest;
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes.

- Shakespeare

The Shipping News Quote

Headline: Deadly Storm Takes House, Leaves Excellent View.

The movie "The Shipping News" and the above quote reminded me of my IF journey...from all the brokenness and the chaos after we were thrown into IF pool, we've survived. In times it felt as though we were drowning in the huge (unexpected) waves and stormy gusts of wind, but in due time the storms die down and we can see things more clearly...

The only constant is change and the storm doesn't last forever...:-D Thank GOD for His grace and peace... 

"For the time will come when you will say, 'Blessed are the barren women, the wombs that never bore and the breasts that never nursed!' - Luke 23:29

One of the Signs...

That shows how far I'm on my IF journey is screaming with joy, "THANK GOD!" when my period shows up. 

Just like what happened today.

Infertility is a weird thing. Maybe that's why people can't understand still that a couple could really wish for kids so much that it hurt like hell, but then again at one point they can stop hoping for a pregnancy so much that the above scenario happened. Anyway, I'm so glad my period finally came! :-D


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God's Whisper

Had been feeling rather shitty lately, but then yesterday something happened at work - or actually two things. Had my yearly work appraisal talk with my boss and I was shell shocked when I heard what she said. She said that she had heard lots of positive feedback from customers about me and in my PMS state, I almost cried. I tried to control myself, though my eyes got wet and I'm pretty sure she noticed it, but she said nothing about it.

All in all, it was a much better work appraisal than I could have ever thought. I got better marks compared to last year, but what really touched me was what the customers had said about me.

Actually, in the morning before the work appraisal talk happened, out of the blue a customer said to me, "You're a wonderful person." Though shocked to hear that, I thanked her right away. I don't remember ever doing something special or extra to her, so I had no idea why she said those words that day. I was just so speechless and when she left, I was left with wet eyes again.

You see, I had been rather bummed about the upcoming Mother's Day (unlike previous years). It just crossed my mind that nobody would ever buy me flowers or Mother's Day's card or make me a Mother's Day dinner or bring me a Mother's Day's cake or whatever. I suspect that the trigger is the fact that one close friend is currently pregnant for the second time and that another one has started TTC this year.

And there I was, behind the counter of the supermarket where I worked, wondering if the job I was doing was making an impact on anyone, wondering if what I had been doing was enough or too much or whatever. Basically wondering about my place in the world and my role(s) in life. I didn't even realize how much validation I needed at that time until I heard the woman's positive feedback and my boss' words. 

They just blew my mind...and today when I was digesting all that happened yesterday, I felt God's voice whispering at my ear, "You are precious in my eyes just as you are. Just keep doing your best and share my light with others." And I broke down and cried...

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Blessed!

Lately I've been thinking about blessings and how sometimes when someone says "I'm blessed" in specific ways that we are deprived of, it may make us feel that they have earned the blessings and that we aren't doing something good enough to make us earn those blessings. And vice versa...

Today a light bulb flicked in my head and I created this using a pic I took a few years ago:

When Tragedy Strikes

The day after I received news about my Dad's death, I felt this urge to tell the whole world about it. One reason was probably 'coz it felt surreal to me. I mean, I didn't see his body and I wasn't there at the funeral home. I wasn't there at all to help out and my life here in Finland continued as if nothing had happened. I think telling the world (well, mostly through FB announcement) about it has helped me remember that my Dad no longer lives on earth.

Another reason was probably because my world will never be the same anymore and I want other people to know that. Funny thing was that if I compared my grief with my infertility grief, I accepted my Dad's death much better than my infertility. First of all, I had had time to prepare for my Dad's death and also opportunities to let him know how much I appreciated him. Secondly, his death was a natural one and he didn't have to suffer long. Thirdly, other people readily acknowledged his death and my grief and thus I got the kind of warm support that I needed.

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When tragedy strikes, it feels like your universe is going on a different pace and rhythm. You notice that there are cracks and perhaps even holes all around you. Your whole world has changed. Perhaps you've even stopped living your life though other people didn't even realize that. Anyhow, the trouble with infertility is that it's a disenfranchise grief and it took us by surprise (a hit below the belt so to speak). When I first realized that (gasp!) we could be infertile, I felt that my whole universe started cracking...and then with each month appeared one hole after another, each with different size and depth.

Then I also felt the urge to let the world know about the changes in our universe. It didn't help when I tried telling some people about them 'coz they made me feel like I was delusional. In their eyes, those cracks and holes were invisible. And the "wrong" things they said felt like they were poking the holes (making them bigger) or even ripping off the cracks, making me feel defensive or even angry. Or both.

But at that time, I couldn't help feeling that I was really making such a big deal out of my cracks and holes 'coz if they are blind to them, there must be other invisible cracks and holes in other people's universes as well that I may have involuntarily poked and prodded and ripped off and that made me feel guilty for lashing out on them or for being defensive.

However, this thought in turn made me feel angrier and frustrated 'coz I felt that I had no valid reason to be grieving in the first place. But then again I couldn't deny the grief that I felt. And the cycle of doom continued...Anger, jealousy, frustration, guilt, grief, sorrow, despair, self-hate, self-loathe, self-blame, doubt, depression...you name it...one by one tumbling one after another and sometimes many of them bursting out all at once and becoming a concoction from hell.

To be fair, there were some people who did acknowledge there were holes and cracks, but more often than not the things they said made me feel like they were suggesting band-Aids to cover them up to "heal" my universe. After some time, I felt like giving up in "educating" the world about our universe and what it may entail. (FYI, every once in a while I still try to do this, but not with the same concoction from hell like before).

What helped the most was probably surrendering ourselves to a future without kids (thanks to all the prayers - I specifically asked some friends to pray The Serenity Prayer for us).

Our universe will never be the same, but we've stopped focusing on the cracks and holes and focusing more on looking at each other and trying to find ways to make each other happy and spending time together. We try our best to cherish every moment 'coz nobody knows when death is coming to get us...what would be the sweetest ending for our story is if God chooses to take us from earth together at the same time. :-D

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This Year Started With A Bang

*cross-posted with my other blog*

Yesterday I finished work and I was tempted to check my mobile. I've been working for 1,5 years now and I could count with one hand how many times I checked my mobile right after work (before coming home, I mean). There were 4 messages from my bro and Mom.

The first one told me that Dad was screaming in pain earlier today in Indo and that they took him to the emergency room at a hospital. Then the other messages was about his passing about two hours after they took him to the hospital.

Actually when they arrived at the hospital, there was no pulse, but they managed to "revive" him. It happened a few times and finally the doctor said that he checked Dad's pupils and they showed no brain activity, so he wouldn't recommend keeping him alive with the machine, but he said it was all up to the family. In the end he went anyway in peace. He died of a heart attack.

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The first thing I felt (probably simultaneously as the shock wave) was a HUGE wave of relief that Dad didn't have to suffer long before God took him away. Then started the tears. I had to lock myself in the toilet and let out what I needed to let out while replying to the messages. After I could control myself somewhat and dabbed my eyes with water and tissue to make sure they didn't look too weird, I went out, did a little shopping, and went home.

When I got back home, R2 greeted me and I told him what happened, then he held me tightly. He patted my back and held me tightly...more tears coming...We spent so much time in each other's arms while I retold him what I had heard from my SIL about what had happened.

It's really weird what I've been feeling after I heard the news...relief, grief, joy (because he can't feel any more pain now), a tad melancholy and longing. All the wonderful memories flashing back. He's my dad and I'm honoured to be his daughter. We might not always see eye to eye, but his legacy will live on through me and my brother.

I have no regrets nor guilt about anything, though. The last time I spoke to him on the phone was a day before his 69th birthday on Dec 27th, 2011 (I couldn't call him on his birthday 'coz I had an evening shift) and that was the only time I had the guts to verbally tell him my appreciation and how he had made a difference in my life. Before that time, I chickened out and I could only tell him how I felt in a lengthy email. I didn't know what made me say those things to him on the phone that day, but now I'm even more glad I did it.

Anyway, rest in peace, dear Dad. You're probably enjoying yourself up there, though. Can't wait to see you there again. Until we meet again...

P.S. The below pic was taken on his birthday a few years ago.

A Vivid Dream

The other morning I jolted awake after having such a vivid dream. In my dream, an ex school friend told me how she pitied me for not having kids and in my defense, I explained to her that my existence is meaningful even when I have no kids. Right now I don't remember anymore the details of what I told her, but when I woke up, I still remembered clearly all the things I spouted off to her he he he he...

At least at the end of the dream I got her to see my POV, so I woke up "satisfied" so to speak. Maybe this has everything to do with the fact that yesterday I posted "Infertile and Proud" link in my Facebook and I added a little note: "We're a complete family just the two of us. :-D"

Some people liked it and some commented on it. The first person who commented wrote: "Well, if you're happy just the two of you, then no need to add another person in the equation."

I replied to her: "Doesn't mean to say that we never did want to have kids, but not every situation lead to having babies at the end of the journey. That's that. Rather than focusing on what we don't have, better just focus on what we have and continue to nurture it so that it blooms more beautifully than ever."

When I was first thrown into IF world, I found fellow IFers and I found "a place to belong". However, now that we've both stopped active TTC and we're not actually thinking of a future with kids anymore, I feel (again) slightly out of place (gotta admit that there are many more IFers who are still actively TTC or trying to adopt or who've got kids already compared to those who live childless).

Some people would consider us "too young" and that there's still a chance for us to get an "oops" (funny that now IF it happens, it'll be an oops, eh?), but right now we've set the course too far away from Babyland that I don't even think that I want kids anymore. Maybe it's strange 'coz we've "only" been in this IF land for...3 years and counting? But that's what I feel.

Speaking of feeling out of place, it makes me think of the world in general. Even though we are all unique, we also don't want to be a square peg in a round hole. It seems that the world is asking me: "What exactly are you? Which category do you belong to?" Or maybe it's just I myself who's asking the question.

External voices and pressures are really disconcerting and loud. VERY LOUD. Other people's expectations...society's expectations...they can drown out my own inner voice, but inner voice can be as loud as well.

I'm taking time now to listen to my own inner voice. What is it telling me? I do belong in the eyes of those people who care about me, who accept me just the way I am. In God's eyes, I am perfect just the way I am. Funny, though, 'coz just as I'm writing these words, I find it hard to believe. This world has other ideas and expectations about me...even I myself have ideas and expectations about myself...Gee...in this chaotic battle between the world, myself, and my inner voice...no wonder I'm getting so confused.

I should strip off my labels and expectations and look at myself at this present moment and just say "I'm fine. I'm beautiful just the way I am. I'm precious in God's eyes. I shouldn't be anything just because others tell me so."

This may be just my SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) phase, but right now I truly long for heaven - a place where we're stripped bare of our labels...no pain, no pressure, no expectation, no heated arguments, no name calling, no wars, no bullying...just pure love and peace.

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A Rare Opportunity

The other day a mom friend asked me for some advice. The first time it had ever happened to me. I felt grateful for the rare opportunity 'coz it made me feel that my voice mattered. :-)

Anyhow, basically speaking she had to make a decision to stop her child to go to a certain course because she believed that the tutor wasn't too helpful for the child. The child didn't argue with her decision, but she saw the sad look on the child's face, so she was wondering if she had made the right decision. So she wanted a second opinion: mine.

When I told her what I thought about it: that she had made the right decision, I couldn't help thinking of God and humans. My friend felt sad to see the child's sad face and she would have loved to give anything to wipe the sadness away, but she also didn't want to do any harm to the child by choosing a not-too-good tutor. She wanted to give the best for the child, even though it meant breaking the child's heart a little bit.

Oftentimes when God closes a door in front of me, I feel that He is being unfair. I feel that my cries aren't heard. Maybe He also feels the same way as my friend did. Maybe it hurts Him to close the door, but He knows it's for the best.

It's true what they say: God's ways are mysterious. Some doors are closed only for a certain amount of time, some are closed forever.

Time and time again The Serenity Prayer has spoken to me so powerfully...

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

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