Monday, October 17, 2011

Unexpected Stabs

The other day I heard someone say these words about someone else I knew, "If your sister spends some nights in your house later on, brace yourself and just don't take her words too seriously about your household and how you raise your kids and grandchildren. She has no kids, so she doesn't understand. As you know well, she'd give you advice and criticism about your parenting style and about how to deal with your kids and grandchildren."

For some weird reason, when I heard the words "she has no kids", I felt unexpected stabs deep inside me and it took my breath away. (side note: PMS perhaps added its weight to the melancholy I felt)

Why did I feel those stabs? Maybe because it speaks the truth that I don't want to hear - that I'm one of those who have no kids (who once longed to have kids), that I'm one of those who "they think don't understand motherhood and parenting". Maybe because the words make me feel like I'm seeing a HUGE neon sign of "You're not qualified to be in the mommy group" and that hurt 'coz deep down, I do wish I could understand mommyhood better than I do now.

Sometimes I feel helpless when a mommy friend tells me about her dilemmas with her child/children and I just don't know what to say. I can't even make her feel "better" by saying that "It's just a phase. I've been there, done that. It's gonna get better, trust me." I'd LOVE to be able to help her more, but I can't because I'm not a mommy.

Maybe now I need to grieve the loss of mommyhood. I've gotten over the idea of our future with kids, but I think in a twisted way (as though kids and mommyhood were two separate entities) I still long to understand mommyhood and I need to let it go...may heaven help me...let the healing process begin once more...

Additional thought: Hmmm...maybe it wasn't so much having to grieve over the loss of mommyhood as to the fact that those words felt like a loud remembrance of the loss. Maybe that was more like the reason why it hurt.


  1. You will heal, Amel. Meanwhile, you are on the righ path. Teasing out what prompts the hurt and sadness and grieving your loss are among the first steps. Thinking of you, and wishing you clarity and peace.

  2. THANKS for your support, Pamela. It's a looooooonnnnggg road ahead, but I feel much lighter now that I know why I felt the way I felt. :-)))

  3. You know why I think those words hurt? Because it makes you (and me) feel as if our opinions don't count. In fact, this inspired me to write a blog post. It'll go up in the next day or so. And in the meantime, I look forward to reading you here and in your other blogs.

  4. @Mali: Hmmm...never thought of that before. You're right, though. That's probably one of the big reasons why the words hurt. THANKS for your POV and for letting me know about it. :-D I LOVE enlightenment. :-D


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