Thought of the Day: Self-Defense Mechanism

I just realized that I may be hitting the brake so hard as a form of self-defense mechanism in terms of this infertility journey. One person who's experienced RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss) has told me that she felt numb after her second loss. It's interesting to know that sometimes we don't even realize that we're using a form of self-defense mechanism.

Sometimes the realization comes only after you talk to someone or after you read something that makes you gaze into the self-mirror and wonder why you feel something or why you don't feel anything.

I know I've always been an "extreme" person in some ways. Just wondering if I'm being so extreme again in this IF journey...it's like I'm putting a distance between myself and this IF world so that I can use more of my logic instead of my feelings. Oh well...only time will tell, I suppose. :-)

Anyhow, speaking of non-IF topics, I REALLY REALLY love Josh Krajcik's audition clip. I can watch it again and again and again and again he he he...LOVE this dude's voice and soul when he sings!

A Vivid Dream

The other morning I jolted awake after having such a vivid dream. In my dream, an ex school friend told me how she pitied me for not having kids and in my defense, I explained to her that my existence is meaningful even when I have no kids. Right now I don't remember anymore the details of what I told her, but when I woke up, I still remembered clearly all the things I spouted off to her he he he he...

At least at the end of the dream I got her to see my POV, so I woke up "satisfied" so to speak. Maybe this has everything to do with the fact that yesterday I posted "Infertile and Proud" link in my Facebook and I added a little note: "We're a complete family just the two of us. :-D"

Some people liked it and some commented on it. The first person who commented wrote: "Well, if you're happy just the two of you, then no need to add another person in the equation."

I replied to her: "Doesn't mean to say that we never did want to have kids, but not every situation lead to having babies at the end of the journey. That's that. Rather than focusing on what we don't have, better just focus on what we have and continue to nurture it so that it blooms more beautifully than ever."

When I was first thrown into IF world, I found fellow IFers and I found "a place to belong". However, now that we've both stopped active TTC and we're not actually thinking of a future with kids anymore, I feel (again) slightly out of place (gotta admit that there are many more IFers who are still actively TTC or trying to adopt or who've got kids already compared to those who live childless).

Some people would consider us "too young" and that there's still a chance for us to get an "oops" (funny that now IF it happens, it'll be an oops, eh?), but right now we've set the course too far away from Babyland that I don't even think that I want kids anymore. Maybe it's strange 'coz we've "only" been in this IF land for...3 years and counting? But that's what I feel.

Speaking of feeling out of place, it makes me think of the world in general. Even though we are all unique, we also don't want to be a square peg in a round hole. It seems that the world is asking me: "What exactly are you? Which category do you belong to?" Or maybe it's just I myself who's asking the question.

External voices and pressures are really disconcerting and loud. VERY LOUD. Other people's expectations...society's expectations...they can drown out my own inner voice, but inner voice can be as loud as well.

I'm taking time now to listen to my own inner voice. What is it telling me? I do belong in the eyes of those people who care about me, who accept me just the way I am. In God's eyes, I am perfect just the way I am. Funny, though, 'coz just as I'm writing these words, I find it hard to believe. This world has other ideas and expectations about me...even I myself have ideas and expectations about myself...Gee...in this chaotic battle between the world, myself, and my inner voice...no wonder I'm getting so confused.

I should strip off my labels and expectations and look at myself at this present moment and just say "I'm fine. I'm beautiful just the way I am. I'm precious in God's eyes. I shouldn't be anything just because others tell me so."

This may be just my SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) phase, but right now I truly long for heaven - a place where we're stripped bare of our labels...no pain, no pressure, no expectation, no heated arguments, no name calling, no wars, no bullying...just pure love and peace.

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Reflection of the Day

After reading Jean Vanier's books...well, actually, after my FIL started getting worse (he's got Alzheimer's), I've been thinking lately about a situation where your health condition gets so bad that you have to depend on other people to do many or most things. If I ever reach that kind of stage, will I be able to accept it gently? I guess I'll never know until I experience it myself. Anyway, his condition also makes me reflect more about our value as human beings.

After IF, I became so confused about so many things, because IF rocked my world to the core and it made me question so many things about life in general. IF makes me question our worth: what society screams we're worth and what our true worth is in God's eyes. The pressure is sometimes overwhelming and I've seen so many people getting lost in the maze after they lose their jobs, after IF, after being sick.

IF makes me realize how blind I've been all the years before IF started: how I've judged so many people wrongly and how I've said so many wrong things to other people simply because of ignorance. How difficult it is to really understand someone else's situation because more often than not, you only see one part or a few small parts of the equation. How hard it is to actually really answer hypothetical questions because you won't really know for sure about your reaction until you experience it yourself.

How easy it is to say the wrong things to someone when you don't really understand the whole situation, yet you feel so helpless that you just have to say something to the sufferer. How words can cut someone so painfully even when you don't mean it that way. How easy to get defensive, angry, and hurt when you're really hurting inside. Basically speaking, IF opens my eyes even more to how broken we all are and how little we know about anything.

That said, IF has made me want to learn more about human beings, about their personal sufferings, about the many facets of other people's situations. Granted I can't possibly learn them all in a lifetime, but I can start by stopping to think before saying anything to someone who's hurting and researching about it whenever possible.

Let me end this post with Jean Vanier's quote:

As we approach people in pain, they reveal to us our pain and brokenness. We are not an elite. We need help. We need the help of Jesus and of sister and brothers in community; we need to talk to wise, listening, and compassionate hearts who can help us to assume all that is broken within us and to find wholeness. We become free when we accept ourselves as we are, cry out for help, and use wisely all that we are to build peace. (A Rebel for Peace, page 134-5)

A Rare Opportunity

The other day a mom friend asked me for some advice. The first time it had ever happened to me. I felt grateful for the rare opportunity 'coz it made me feel that my voice mattered. :-)

Anyhow, basically speaking she had to make a decision to stop her child to go to a certain course because she believed that the tutor wasn't too helpful for the child. The child didn't argue with her decision, but she saw the sad look on the child's face, so she was wondering if she had made the right decision. So she wanted a second opinion: mine.

When I told her what I thought about it: that she had made the right decision, I couldn't help thinking of God and humans. My friend felt sad to see the child's sad face and she would have loved to give anything to wipe the sadness away, but she also didn't want to do any harm to the child by choosing a not-too-good tutor. She wanted to give the best for the child, even though it meant breaking the child's heart a little bit.

Oftentimes when God closes a door in front of me, I feel that He is being unfair. I feel that my cries aren't heard. Maybe He also feels the same way as my friend did. Maybe it hurts Him to close the door, but He knows it's for the best.

It's true what they say: God's ways are mysterious. Some doors are closed only for a certain amount of time, some are closed forever.

Time and time again The Serenity Prayer has spoken to me so powerfully...

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

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