Yesterday I finished work and I was tempted to check my mobile. I've been working for 1,5 years now and I could count with one hand how many times I checked my mobile right after work (before coming home, I mean). There were 4 messages from my bro and Mom.
The first one told me that Dad was screaming in pain earlier today in Indo and that they took him to the emergency room at a hospital. Then the other messages was about his passing about two hours after they took him to the hospital.
Actually when they arrived at the hospital, there was no pulse, but they managed to "revive" him. It happened a few times and finally the doctor said that he checked Dad's pupils and they showed no brain activity, so he wouldn't recommend keeping him alive with the machine, but he said it was all up to the family. In the end he went anyway in peace. He died of a heart attack.
The first thing I felt (probably simultaneously as the shock wave) was a HUGE wave of relief that Dad didn't have to suffer long before God took him away. Then started the tears. I had to lock myself in the toilet and let out what I needed to let out while replying to the messages. After I could control myself somewhat and dabbed my eyes with water and tissue to make sure they didn't look too weird, I went out, did a little shopping, and went home.
When I got back home, R2 greeted me and I told him what happened, then he held me tightly. He patted my back and held me tightly...more tears coming...We spent so much time in each other's arms while I retold him what I had heard from my SIL about what had happened.
It's really weird what I've been feeling after I heard the news...relief, grief, joy (because he can't feel any more pain now), a tad melancholy and longing. All the wonderful memories flashing back. He's my dad and I'm honoured to be his daughter. We might not always see eye to eye, but his legacy will live on through me and my brother.
I have no regrets nor guilt about anything, though. The last time I spoke to him on the phone was a day before his 69th birthday on Dec 27th, 2011 (I couldn't call him on his birthday 'coz I had an evening shift) and that was the only time I had the guts to verbally tell him my appreciation and how he had made a difference in my life. Before that time, I chickened out and I could only tell him how I felt in a lengthy email. I didn't know what made me say those things to him on the phone that day, but now I'm even more glad I did it.
Anyway, rest in peace, dear Dad. You're probably enjoying yourself up there, though. Can't wait to see you there again. Until we meet again...
P.S. The below pic was taken on his birthday a few years ago.
Amel, I'm so terribly sorry that you lost your Dad. But I totally understand your feelings of relief - that your Dad knew you loved him and appreciated all he had done, and that he didn't suffer. I was with my Dad when he passed away - I too had had time to let him know how much I appreciated him, but he had suffered over the last few weeks and months, and when he went, it was grief but relief too. I'm thinking of my dad, and your dad, and you right now too.
ReplyDelete@Mali: THANK YOU SO MUCH for your comment.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure why your posts aren't coming through on my feed. I'm so sorry for your loss! I'm glad that you were able to tell your dad how you felt before he passed. I imagine that would be a huge blessing to know you shared your feelings and thoughts with him. I'll be praying for you and your family as you go through this time of grieving.
ReplyDelete@Cici: THANKS for your prayers. :-))) And yeah, being able to tell my Dad how I felt was really a huge blessing...
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