Soon after the pregnancy announcement, I had nightmares two nights in a row. I don't remember the details anymore, but the first morning I woke up feeling "abandoned". The only thing I recalled was that my hubby left me in my dreams 'coz I couldn't bear a child for him. I woke up feeling, "WOAAAAHHHH!!! How the heck did I dream about THAT?" The second night there was no link to any children or pregnancy (at least I didn't recall it), but again the same theme happened: he left me in my dream. Woke up feeling relieved and tired at the same time. ---> Note: I'd never had this kind of dream before.
I know it's an absurd kind of dream 'coz there's no way he's gonna leave me because of this. esp. now that we've been embracing life without kids for a few years.
I remember that in the beginning of our living together (I moved to Finland a few months after our wedding 'coz I had to sort out the residence permit from Indo), hubby frequently dreamed that I had left him. There were more than just two occasions when he'd ask me, "Why did you do that to me? Why did you leave me in my dream?"
I replied, "Why would I leave you?"
I think in the beginning he wasn't that sure about our bond or something 'coz I can see his confidence grew leaps and bounds during our marriage. One of the reasons was probably 'coz of our long-distance relationship. I mean, we had only been together for 2 weeks or so in real life when we decided to get married, so when we first started living together it was really something new for us and I remembered being shy to fart in front of each other in the beginning LOL!!! But anyway, now I know how hubby felt when he had those dreams. Definitely not a nice feeling! Doh!
Back to the possible culprit that may have triggered the dream...must admit it was tough to read some of my friend's thoughts on pregnancy. Case in point: she wrote that after her miscarriage her self-defense mechanism kicked in and she and hubby started focusing on the good things that being a childless couple could enjoy, but then she's pregnant again and then she switched gears. Now she starts thinking of the things that childless couples are missing.
Reading those words during my PMS required a lot of re-steering on my behalf 'coz I know she didn't mean anything bad. She was just trying to adjust the sails of her ship to prepare herself mentally to go on the next destination: parenthood. She wasn't saying those words to attack me. I only felt rather disturbed by the words because it was the thing that I had to give up for and PMS made it even more acute (like an automatic response that made me stare at the hole in my heart). I'm looking back on the moment now (post PMS) and it's not as bad as it was. :-D
We may not be able to choose what life throws at us, but looking back, there've been plenty of miraculous events that should be celebrated, like the fact that we're still together and that we still enjoy each other's company and the fact that IF didn't break us apart and the fact that these days it's easier to analyze whatever I'm feeling compared to back then while I was still bleeding inside because there's now more distance between me and the centre of my pain.
And let's not forget one other miraculous aspect of my healing journey: finding my comrade-in-arms in this online world is like finding a piece of heaven on earth. I know that we all didn't prefer meeting this way and walking this path, but I'm truly grateful for your existence anyway...THANK YOU for your wisdom, support, encouragement, inspiration, and for bravely and honestly walking through and dealing with each of your unique journeys and for sharing those journeys...THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!!!