Soon after the pregnancy announcement, I had nightmares two nights in a row. I don't remember the details anymore, but the first morning I woke up feeling "abandoned". The only thing I recalled was that my hubby left me in my dreams 'coz I couldn't bear a child for him. I woke up feeling, "WOAAAAHHHH!!! How the heck did I dream about THAT?" The second night there was no link to any children or pregnancy (at least I didn't recall it), but again the same theme happened: he left me in my dream. Woke up feeling relieved and tired at the same time. ---> Note: I'd never had this kind of dream before.
I know it's an absurd kind of dream 'coz there's no way he's gonna leave me because of this. esp. now that we've been embracing life without kids for a few years.
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I remember that in the beginning of our living together (I moved to Finland a few months after our wedding 'coz I had to sort out the residence permit from Indo), hubby frequently dreamed that I had left him. There were more than just two occasions when he'd ask me, "Why did you do that to me? Why did you leave me in my dream?"
I replied, "Why would I leave you?"
I think in the beginning he wasn't that sure about our bond or something 'coz I can see his confidence grew leaps and bounds during our marriage. One of the reasons was probably 'coz of our long-distance relationship. I mean, we had only been together for 2 weeks or so in real life when we decided to get married, so when we first started living together it was really something new for us and I remembered being shy to fart in front of each other in the beginning LOL!!! But anyway, now I know how hubby felt when he had those dreams. Definitely not a nice feeling! Doh!
Back to the possible culprit that may have triggered the dream...must admit it was tough to read some of my friend's thoughts on pregnancy. Case in point: she wrote that after her miscarriage her self-defense mechanism kicked in and she and hubby started focusing on the good things that being a childless couple could enjoy, but then she's pregnant again and then she switched gears. Now she starts thinking of the things that childless couples are missing.
Reading those words during my PMS required a lot of re-steering on my behalf 'coz I know she didn't mean anything bad. She was just trying to adjust the sails of her ship to prepare herself mentally to go on the next destination: parenthood. She wasn't saying those words to attack me. I only felt rather disturbed by the words because it was the thing that I had to give up for and PMS made it even more acute (like an automatic response that made me stare at the hole in my heart). I'm looking back on the moment now (post PMS) and it's not as bad as it was. :-D
We may not be able to choose what life throws at us, but looking back, there've been plenty of miraculous events that should be celebrated, like the fact that we're still together and that we still enjoy each other's company and the fact that IF didn't break us apart and the fact that these days it's easier to analyze whatever I'm feeling compared to back then while I was still bleeding inside because there's now more distance between me and the centre of my pain.
And let's not forget one other miraculous aspect of my healing journey: finding my comrade-in-arms in this online world is like finding a piece of heaven on earth. I know that we all didn't prefer meeting this way and walking this path, but I'm truly grateful for your existence anyway...THANK YOU for your wisdom, support, encouragement, inspiration, and for bravely and honestly walking through and dealing with each of your unique journeys and for sharing those journeys...THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!!!
And thank you too.
ReplyDeleteI hope that the residual feelings from the dream have now gone. It is hard when something happens, and out of the blue we feel all those old feelings we thought we'd left behind. I thought your observation that your friend was only trying to come to terms with her new phase of life, and wasn't actively trying to be unkind. It is hard though when we have to cope with that.
THANKS, Mali...the residual feelings only stayed during those two days, but I just thought it was worth writing so that I remembered how my subconscious mind was affected.
DeleteYeah, it took a lot of effort to "separate" myself from my friend's words 'coz as you said it is hard to have to cope with that. I'm just glad it happened in an email exchange and not in real life 'coz if it had happened in a face-to-face conversation, God knows what kind of facial expression I must've had upon hearing those words LOL!!!
The thing is, it was a group email exchange, so it would be too hard for her to try and consider each person's "pain triggers", so I had to focus on not taking it personally for all of our sakes, 'coz I DO want to "join in the fun" when they're talking about their lives.
I feel for you, Amel!!! Odd enough, since the surgery, I hadn't much nightmares- or if that happened, I don't remember. Nowadays, it's rare if I'd remember the dream. But dreams of abandonment do make sense, when one think about it. Like someone talked about 'the tribe' in one other blog, if folks around you don't get you, maybe that's where one experiences feeling a sense of abandonment, alienation, ?? That might contribute to dreams, and you being married, it's easier to 'assign' that sense to hubby (sorry, hubby!) in dreams, instead of an invisible/unknown person. What are your thoughts on that?
ReplyDeleteOkay- Okay, I NEED to remind myself not to think as a therapist now and then!! :::throwing the hat off:::
And for pain triggers (good post that you wrote earlier!)- true there are triggers, over there, here, and up here, down over there. Might be easier to wear blinders, but how can one live that way? Okay- it's EASIER to say that than to practice that, I admit. Maybe some days it's easier to take personally, while other days, it is easy to stay neutral? "Good days vs. bad days." ? me, I notice if it's a bad day, I have to remind myself frequently "Don't take things personally...Ooo THAT woman!...stay out of it- she's NOT targeting you."...that pesky dark voice in our head. :P
And yes, I'm being the comedian today. hard to predict when that'd happen.
Love y a!
THANKS for the support! The nightmares didn't continue and my feelings aren't like that anymore he he...
DeleteBut you're probably right about the sense of being abandoned that I "assigned" to hubby. Another part of the reason was probably the fact that motherhood was something I had to give up for and by having more mothers in my close circle of friends meant that I had to remind myself of my self-value/worth again as a non-mom.
No no, we can't possibly wear blinders or freeze our feelings (or maybe we can freeze our feelings but I refuse to live that way). I agree totally that there are good days and bad days and days in between. What I've been trying to do is that instead of focusing on my "wrath/anger/my being upset/etc.", I try to ask myself WHY I feel that way. I'm curious. I want to find out the source of the pain and I want to go there and embrace myself and love myself in that source of pain. I want to acknowledge that place of pain and deal with it - let it heal, whatever it takes.
However, I also don't want to lose the sensitivity to know when some people are truly attacking me or mocking me or whatever, but if they don't mean any harm, I'd rather find out why it feels painful for me, because sometimes the pain isn't about what other people are saying directly TO me (like the examples in this blog post), but when they're saying things about their own lives.
THANKS for making me think (sorry for the late reply 'coz I've been busy with work) he he he...love ya too! :-)