Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Absurd Thoughts

After we had decided to surrender to life without kids, at first I was worried that I wouldn't be taken seriously by others who were much older than me in the IF blogosphere (esp. the CNBCers). I started having this absurd thought of wishing to be older more quickly - not that I'd really want to experience menopause ASAP, but I just wanted to be "old enough" to "belong" in the CNBC community. The wish appeared and disappeared depending on my mood, but after I felt that I was accepted, it sort of retreated to the back of my mind.

A few months ago I experienced my first BPPV episode. The symptoms included the room spinning around, dizziness, nausea, and throwing up a few times. The second time it happened a few weeks after the first episode, that same weekend we went to visit my MIL. I had told her about the first episode along with the doc's diagnosis, but this time around she asked, "Are you absolutely sure you're not preggy?"

That question took my by surprise. A second or two later (still reeling with the surprise), I answered, "I'm absolutely sure that I'm not preggy." Then I started wondering if she was still wishing for a miracle to happen with us and that made me a tad sad for her...

I know that logically speaking, anything can still happen to us in other people's mind. In my mind, though, it's just impossible, because we don't even make love anymore during my fertile window, and as we all know, the fertile window is a very short time each month. In fact, it seems that I tend to avoid the fertile window altogether so as to make sure that I won't ever be preggy.

Seems like an extreme measure for someone who did try to have kids once in the past, but seriously speaking, now that we're used to the thought of life without kids, we DO enjoy being together just the two of us and now the thought of life with kids seems (again) like an intrusion to our lifestyle. Almost like the time prior TTC - the only difference is that now we have IF scars and sometimes our scars get bumped and they cause some pain. 

Anyway, because it's kinda crazy if I tell people that it's impossible for us to have kids 'coz we don't even make love during my fertile window (it's our business, not theirs!), the absurd thought resurfaced after I heard my MIL's question. How I wished I'd have reached an old enough age for people to stop thinking that it's even possible for us to be preggy anymore!

Mind you, for all its worth, MIL has been a wonderful person altogether. I once sent her an email, telling her not to expect any grandchildren from us because of our infertility (the same time I told my Mom about it). I had also told her in the email that at one point I felt guilty that I couldn't give her any grandchildren. She replied the email, saying that she knew that we had suffered though we hadn't really told her anything before that...and that I shouldn't feel guilty about her at all and that I shouldn't worry about her wishes, so I should just get rid of the worry. And she's verbally told me time and time again how much she appreciates having me in her world (I suppose this is also 'coz she has no daughter and I'm rather close to her). So I'm not blaming MIL for asking the question. 

Sometime last year I also told my mom about a preggy friend (only 'coz she knew the girl, so I always tell her updates on my friends that she knows and has met often) and she replied my SMS by saying, "I see. Well, keep on praying so that you'll also get preggy." This came after I had told her not to expect any grandchildren from us. I got a bit upset at that time and I replied her SMS by telling her the exact same thing that I had told her before - that we had been surrendering to life without kids and that we're fine with that.

Again I'm well aware that logically they still think that a "miracle" may just happen. It's just that knowing what I know about our bedtime activities, it makes me feel that it'd be such a waste if they still harbored some wish about a miracle for us...but then again I can't control other people's wishes, can I? It's a whole different thing if these are the wishes of strangers, but the wishes of the people you care about who care about you can rouse some conflicting emotions within you...but anyway, in the end I just have to let go again...of the things I can't control...

Image taken from here


  1. "in the end I just have to let go again...of the things I can't control..."

    This. And methinks, that's the hardest thing to accept, especially with people's expectations, their perception of who you are supposed to be, instead of truly seeing you who you are.. Makes sense?

    1. Yeah, what you wrote does make sense. It can be very frustrating when that happens, esp. after you try to explain to them your "limitations" or "decisions based on your limitations", esp. after you try to tell them that you're okay just the way you are he he...

      I think letting go is overall never easy***, but hopefully the more you practise on letting go of the things you can't control or change, the "easier" it becomes...

      *** Here are some reasons that I can think of right now as to why we don't "like" letting go:

      1. I think we like the feeling of being in control. Feeling out of control is really scary and it can cause many different kinds of emotions within us: helplessness, anger, frustration, etc.

      2. Many people still think that letting go = giving up and sometimes it's tough to know which is which. When you're in doubt and the world is screaming "Don't give up, keep on trying", it makes it even harder to let go.

      3. Sometimes we're scared that if we let something (or someone) go, then our world will "collapse" or that we'll break into pieces and then we won't know how to deal with the broken pieces 'coz we still have to carry on with our lives. That thought overwhelms us so much so that we'd rather not let go.

      4. In some cases letting go means that you have to be brave or decisive enough to stand up for yourself and set your own limits and it may be harder to do for some people than others.

      And I suppose the list goes on depending on the situation he he...

  2. I just found your blog - you sound just like me. Except I'm old. Hahaha. I definitely feel like life without kids is at least logistically easier, there is a certain freedom to that. But there are many times the wounds of infertility get reopened/bumped/whatever they do that releases pain. I try to pretend I'm happier without kids, put the brave face up for the world, but inside it does hurt. xoxo

    1. Hi, Dipitie!

      THANKS for dropping a comment. Yeah, it's a long and bumpy road, though it's become much easier these days, but still we're humans with feelings. :-) (((HUGS))) to you and here's to healing one step at a time!


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