Showing posts with label Letting Go. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Letting Go. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
Mourning Has Broken
Today I'm taking as much time as I can to mourn the heart distance between me and some people...
Monday, June 15, 2015
Beware Nostalgia!
A few years back I read those words in a book. "Beware nostalgia", Jean Vanier said in reply to someone who was wondering if she had left her previous mission place too soon (Jean Vanier Essential Writings, page 56). I never really thought much about those words, though they stuck in my mind. The other day, though, the words really spoke to me personally.
Jean Vanier's words and the conversation I had with some friends helped me a great deal in dealing with my nostalgic feelings and angst. Suffice it to say that if friendship were an entity, I had been holding on to its dying body all these years because I couldn't yet let go of the nostalgia. I kept holding on to the good that we had had together, hoping that the body would function better if only I kept on trying to give it CPR. However, my efforts only made me more resentful, because an imbalanced friendship never works. I tried lowering down my expectations a few times, but apparently the CPR I kept on giving to the dying body only acted like a venom to my own psyche. The venom of unmet expectations. When one wants and longs to give more time and effort, but one needs to hold back because the other party cannot give as much anymore, it is a loss. It is devastating to turn a forever friendship into a no-strings-attached (acquaintance-like) friendship.
The body of friendship was dying, so I had to let it go completely. No more holding on to nostalgia to keep the body alive. This time I arranged a sea burial in my mind. I placed the dying body on a raft and set it to burn. The waves carried the burning raft away to the darkened horizon. After a while, my gaze turned to the sky, where the stars were twinkling away...and I feel lighter.
glitter-graphics.com
Jean Vanier's words and the conversation I had with some friends helped me a great deal in dealing with my nostalgic feelings and angst. Suffice it to say that if friendship were an entity, I had been holding on to its dying body all these years because I couldn't yet let go of the nostalgia. I kept holding on to the good that we had had together, hoping that the body would function better if only I kept on trying to give it CPR. However, my efforts only made me more resentful, because an imbalanced friendship never works. I tried lowering down my expectations a few times, but apparently the CPR I kept on giving to the dying body only acted like a venom to my own psyche. The venom of unmet expectations. When one wants and longs to give more time and effort, but one needs to hold back because the other party cannot give as much anymore, it is a loss. It is devastating to turn a forever friendship into a no-strings-attached (acquaintance-like) friendship.
The body of friendship was dying, so I had to let it go completely. No more holding on to nostalgia to keep the body alive. This time I arranged a sea burial in my mind. I placed the dying body on a raft and set it to burn. The waves carried the burning raft away to the darkened horizon. After a while, my gaze turned to the sky, where the stars were twinkling away...and I feel lighter.
glitter-graphics.com
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Inner Circle
You know how sometimes you only start realizing something after talking about a certain topic with someone else/other people? Well, the other day I was talking online about inner circle and I suddenly realized that my view of what I call my inner circle has changed.
In the past, before infertility, I used to have a specific group of people as my inner circle in my sacred chamber. I believed with all my heart and soul that they would be there forever. I believed that they were my chosen ones and that nobody else could take their places. Infertility shredded that view to pieces and now my inner circle consists of random empathetic people who enter that sacred spot and stay there for a while with me and my pain. I am thankful for and cherish those people and their presence in my sacred chamber and then let them go. I more than welcome them if they happen to drop by again, but if they don't, I'll cherish the moment that they spent there with me.
P.S. Here's a view of the gloriously pink sky outside today. It was -25'C when I took this photo.
In the past, before infertility, I used to have a specific group of people as my inner circle in my sacred chamber. I believed with all my heart and soul that they would be there forever. I believed that they were my chosen ones and that nobody else could take their places. Infertility shredded that view to pieces and now my inner circle consists of random empathetic people who enter that sacred spot and stay there for a while with me and my pain. I am thankful for and cherish those people and their presence in my sacred chamber and then let them go. I more than welcome them if they happen to drop by again, but if they don't, I'll cherish the moment that they spent there with me.
P.S. Here's a view of the gloriously pink sky outside today. It was -25'C when I took this photo.
Monday, April 21, 2014
Disappointment: A Shift
I've had this feeling that learning to let go of many things during my infertility journey has also helped me in learning to let go of the possibility in disappointing others. I'm not talking about disappointing others on purpose, but about the kind of disappointment that one feels when one has too much expectation or too high expectation from someone else and that someone else fails to fulfill that expectation.
A conversation online with someone made me realize about this shift. After the conversation, for a brief second this thought appeared, "Woah! I'm not so sure I'm as good as you think I am, you know?"
That thought was followed by the fear of disappointing that person, but a second later, I was surprised when another thought butted in: "But you know what, if you happen to disappoint in the end, you're only human anyway. If that person can't accept that and then decides to stop keeping in touch with you, then there's nothing else that you can do about it."
I don't think I've ever felt that way before. In the past, if I felt that other people have too high an opinion of myself, I would feel burdened and then I would do my best not to disappoint that person while at the back of my mind there was always a tiny bit of fear of disappointing him/her (which was kinda tiring). There were also occasions when I'd even try to keep some space from that person to avoid disappointing him/her, because I remember disappointing one teacher in High School and that memory haunted me for years.
Dare I even say that this is another new thing that infertility has taught me? :-D That all those repeated lessons on letting go has a wider effect than I could even begin to understand? We shall see.
After all, I get to disappoint my parents and in-laws by not being able to produce any grandchildren and for some period of time I felt guilty because of that, but I've made peace with it now and I don't feel burdened anymore by the fact that I can't give them any grandchildren. Anyhow, I'd like to record this here so that I don't forget about it. :-)
glitter-graphics.com
A conversation online with someone made me realize about this shift. After the conversation, for a brief second this thought appeared, "Woah! I'm not so sure I'm as good as you think I am, you know?"
That thought was followed by the fear of disappointing that person, but a second later, I was surprised when another thought butted in: "But you know what, if you happen to disappoint in the end, you're only human anyway. If that person can't accept that and then decides to stop keeping in touch with you, then there's nothing else that you can do about it."
I don't think I've ever felt that way before. In the past, if I felt that other people have too high an opinion of myself, I would feel burdened and then I would do my best not to disappoint that person while at the back of my mind there was always a tiny bit of fear of disappointing him/her (which was kinda tiring). There were also occasions when I'd even try to keep some space from that person to avoid disappointing him/her, because I remember disappointing one teacher in High School and that memory haunted me for years.
Dare I even say that this is another new thing that infertility has taught me? :-D That all those repeated lessons on letting go has a wider effect than I could even begin to understand? We shall see.
After all, I get to disappoint my parents and in-laws by not being able to produce any grandchildren and for some period of time I felt guilty because of that, but I've made peace with it now and I don't feel burdened anymore by the fact that I can't give them any grandchildren. Anyhow, I'd like to record this here so that I don't forget about it. :-)
glitter-graphics.com
Monday, December 30, 2013
Random Thoughts Before New Year
1. The Important Letter.
I've sent my mom the letter via my brother (I asked him to print it out). It ended up being a 4-page MS Word document (plus a paragraph on the 5th page). Still no word from her via SMS to me. I imagine it's going to take time for her to bury the dream that she's been having for us. I hope the other half of my letter gave her comfort, because the first half talked about my honest feelings when it came to our infertility journey. It was REALLY hard to write the letter and I was on edge the whole day yesterday while waiting for the response.
In the end I contacted my brother via YM and asked him how it went. She said that mom had cried. I was so emotional during our chat in YM and I started crying, too. My bro helped explain to her that I wasn't blaming her and that I knew she meant well, but that I'd like to be supported not by her praying about a miracle pregnancy or by her telling me to keep on praying to get pregnant. I have given her more ideas on what to pray on in the letter, so hope that helps, too. My bro said that she must be sad when she read about our struggles and all the feelings that I had during the tough period of our infertility journey. I sent her an SMS yesterday, telling her that I'm thankful to have a mother who prays for me and that I love her and I ask her not to be too sad because we're doing fine.
2. Infertility and Relationships.
Sometimes I feel that infertility is a double-edged sword. When I was preparing to write the letter for my mom, I knew it would crush her, too. I don't want to crush her dream for us, but I felt that it must be done for the sake of our relationship. I began to feel our relationship cracking and I don't want to lose our relationship. I was struggling to try to find a way on how to crush her dream gently and I hope I have succeeded in doing so.
Other than that, here's also something I wrote weeks ago about infertility and friendship:
"Infertility is a tricky thing to deal with when you have a pregnant close friend whose pregnancy reminds you of your losses. As much as you'd like your friends to tell you as many parts of their joys and sorrows and as much as you'd like to tell your friends about your joys and sorrows, it's not that easy to figure out the fine line. The fine line where you don't want to burst someone else's happy bubble by telling them that their stories trigger very soft spots within yourself, but then again you wonder if you should let them know about at least some of them because you want them to understand your journey. The fine line where you wonder how much stuff you should tell your friends about your feelings because you fear that they are going to hold back sharing their joys because they don't want to hurt you, but on the other hand you don't want to miss all the lovely moments even if those moments trigger some pain within your deepest self."
It IS a shame that infertility is affecting those around me this way, but I welcome the lessons that it's giving me (and other lessons that it will give me in the future).
3. I found this article via an FB share and I LOVE LOVE LOVE it for so many different reasons so I'd share it here too: Confronting the Lie: God Won't Give You More Than You Can Handle.
4. A friend of mine gave me this challenge weeks ago and I've finally found my word for 2014.
My word of the year is “Disentangle”. I need to practise disentangling myself from any emotional connection or baggage so that I can take a step back and celebrate other people’s beautiful moments with them without drowning in grief when their beautiful moments are the ones that acutely remind me of what I will never have. I want to disentangle myself from those heavy weights that make me want to crawl or drown in my grief so that I can stand up and continue my healing journey.
Here's the challenge in case you want to participate: What Will You Choose For Your Word of 2014?
Last but not least, Happy New Year! Wishing you more peace, comfort, and healing throughout 2014!
glitter-graphics.com
I've sent my mom the letter via my brother (I asked him to print it out). It ended up being a 4-page MS Word document (plus a paragraph on the 5th page). Still no word from her via SMS to me. I imagine it's going to take time for her to bury the dream that she's been having for us. I hope the other half of my letter gave her comfort, because the first half talked about my honest feelings when it came to our infertility journey. It was REALLY hard to write the letter and I was on edge the whole day yesterday while waiting for the response.
In the end I contacted my brother via YM and asked him how it went. She said that mom had cried. I was so emotional during our chat in YM and I started crying, too. My bro helped explain to her that I wasn't blaming her and that I knew she meant well, but that I'd like to be supported not by her praying about a miracle pregnancy or by her telling me to keep on praying to get pregnant. I have given her more ideas on what to pray on in the letter, so hope that helps, too. My bro said that she must be sad when she read about our struggles and all the feelings that I had during the tough period of our infertility journey. I sent her an SMS yesterday, telling her that I'm thankful to have a mother who prays for me and that I love her and I ask her not to be too sad because we're doing fine.
2. Infertility and Relationships.
Sometimes I feel that infertility is a double-edged sword. When I was preparing to write the letter for my mom, I knew it would crush her, too. I don't want to crush her dream for us, but I felt that it must be done for the sake of our relationship. I began to feel our relationship cracking and I don't want to lose our relationship. I was struggling to try to find a way on how to crush her dream gently and I hope I have succeeded in doing so.
Other than that, here's also something I wrote weeks ago about infertility and friendship:
"Infertility is a tricky thing to deal with when you have a pregnant close friend whose pregnancy reminds you of your losses. As much as you'd like your friends to tell you as many parts of their joys and sorrows and as much as you'd like to tell your friends about your joys and sorrows, it's not that easy to figure out the fine line. The fine line where you don't want to burst someone else's happy bubble by telling them that their stories trigger very soft spots within yourself, but then again you wonder if you should let them know about at least some of them because you want them to understand your journey. The fine line where you wonder how much stuff you should tell your friends about your feelings because you fear that they are going to hold back sharing their joys because they don't want to hurt you, but on the other hand you don't want to miss all the lovely moments even if those moments trigger some pain within your deepest self."
It IS a shame that infertility is affecting those around me this way, but I welcome the lessons that it's giving me (and other lessons that it will give me in the future).
3. I found this article via an FB share and I LOVE LOVE LOVE it for so many different reasons so I'd share it here too: Confronting the Lie: God Won't Give You More Than You Can Handle.
4. A friend of mine gave me this challenge weeks ago and I've finally found my word for 2014.
My word of the year is “Disentangle”. I need to practise disentangling myself from any emotional connection or baggage so that I can take a step back and celebrate other people’s beautiful moments with them without drowning in grief when their beautiful moments are the ones that acutely remind me of what I will never have. I want to disentangle myself from those heavy weights that make me want to crawl or drown in my grief so that I can stand up and continue my healing journey.
Here's the challenge in case you want to participate: What Will You Choose For Your Word of 2014?
Last but not least, Happy New Year! Wishing you more peace, comfort, and healing throughout 2014!
glitter-graphics.com
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Other Lessons That IF Has Taught Me
The list below is a long overdue post that I've written halfway through many months ago...I've been busy in Gateway Women Google+ community for women who are childless by circumstance and I've enjoyed myself there. It's nice to know that there are so many supportive women who understand my journey and it's nice to know that I can support many women there because of the childless link among us. It feels GOOD to be in my "own tribe" so to speak, so lately I've shared some things that I usually share in this blog in that community instead.
Anyway, there are several SUPER TOUGH lessons that I'd like to record here in this blog that infertility has been teaching me:
1. To focus on someone else's happiness when you feel like you're transported to a place of pain: in front of rows and rows of your buried dreams.
I think in the beginning of my IF journey, it was practically impossible to do so 'coz my wounds were still bleeding profusely and the pain was too much to bear sometimes. Nowadays it's "easier" to do it, though that doesn't mean I'm not affected at all. I find that I'm most affected during PMS as well as when I feel that there've been too many reminders of this broken dream around me - that's high time for me to step back and take good care of myself.
2. To channel and work on the grief somewhere else (esp. if the person involved is important and you don't want to rain on their parade). I found that this is more difficult than #1, especially if you're in regular contact with that said person and because the said person is important to you, it's tough not to share your vulnerable moments with them, but then again you don't want them to feel bad about you that they stop sharing their good moments with you.
3. To know when to shut up, to refrain myself from saying something unnecessary that is potentially hurtful, to choose my words more carefully to the best of my ability whenever people open up to me about their pains and struggles. I want to master the art of comfort in, dump out.
I find that at times when I feel uncomfortable when I'm facing someone else's pain or struggles that I find hard to relate to, it's easy to say all the wrong things simply because I feel helpless.
4. To let go if despite my best efforts I end up hurting someone anyway. Sincerely say sorry, let go, and start all over again.
Anyway, there are several SUPER TOUGH lessons that I'd like to record here in this blog that infertility has been teaching me:
1. To focus on someone else's happiness when you feel like you're transported to a place of pain: in front of rows and rows of your buried dreams.
I think in the beginning of my IF journey, it was practically impossible to do so 'coz my wounds were still bleeding profusely and the pain was too much to bear sometimes. Nowadays it's "easier" to do it, though that doesn't mean I'm not affected at all. I find that I'm most affected during PMS as well as when I feel that there've been too many reminders of this broken dream around me - that's high time for me to step back and take good care of myself.
2. To channel and work on the grief somewhere else (esp. if the person involved is important and you don't want to rain on their parade). I found that this is more difficult than #1, especially if you're in regular contact with that said person and because the said person is important to you, it's tough not to share your vulnerable moments with them, but then again you don't want them to feel bad about you that they stop sharing their good moments with you.
3. To know when to shut up, to refrain myself from saying something unnecessary that is potentially hurtful, to choose my words more carefully to the best of my ability whenever people open up to me about their pains and struggles. I want to master the art of comfort in, dump out.
I find that at times when I feel uncomfortable when I'm facing someone else's pain or struggles that I find hard to relate to, it's easy to say all the wrong things simply because I feel helpless.
4. To let go if despite my best efforts I end up hurting someone anyway. Sincerely say sorry, let go, and start all over again.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Mellow Mood
PMS mode here. Just read a post about a blogger friend's friend's demise and she wrote such a beautiful post on her that just made me ache inside. Life isn't as simple as ABC. There are so many people facing their own challenges or "crosses to bear" all around me and those challenges are made even more vivid whenever I get to hear some more details about them.
Lately I've been having lots of conversations related to children or actually pregnancies and babies with some friends.* One is pregnant and another one has started feeling the longing for motherhood. I was really happy when I heard about the pregnancy, but about half an hour afterwards the storm started within. I suddenly felt mellow and sad. I was uneasy 'coz I didn't know why I felt so sad (a different kind of sadness than what I experienced in the past). It wasn't that I started longing to have children again, mind you. Not that.
I actually just realized (while writing this post) that the news and the talk about pregnancy and the other friend's future TTC plan transported me face-to-face with my "dead/buried dreams". As if I were suddenly standing right in front of those rows and rows of buried dreams and I couldn't help shedding a few tears (literally just a few tears, not sobbing like crazy). I was again reminded of how many dead dreams that I had to let go of and I suppose the sight of it all kinda overwhelmed me: seeing not just the buried dream of achieving pregnancy, but also the opportunity to feel the morning sickness, to feel the baby kicking inside of me, to talk about hubby about the details of the baby room, to share the news with my friends and family, to hear their shrieks of delight upon hearing the news, to share preggy photos and USG photos, to give birth, to share baby photos, etc. etc. etc. And the list kept going on.
* Note: This is the kind of talk I want to be involved in 'coz I do care about them with all my heart. And I know they care about me with all that they've got as well.
And on another level, again I couldn't help but think how "easy" it seemed for some people to get preggy. The latest pregnancy news reminded me of my SIL's pregnancy. When I first found out about her second pregnancy, she told me that it was a surprise 'coz she said that "they weren't even so diligent in TTC" though they were trying to have one. Words like these came back to the surface every now and then. The more often I hear words like these, the closer I got to feeling that my body wasn't working the way it should have been (in the past I had not felt this at all, I think - at least I didn't really think that way).
Thankfully, though, the storm lasted only for about 6 hours (yeah, I'm slightly crazy about details LOL!). In the middle of it, I was screaming to God, "Help me, help me, help me focus on others' happiness instead of focusing on myself, pleaasssseeeeee." I also kept on remembering this verse: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (1 Corinthians 12:9)
glitter-graphics.com
That helped, as well as saying this mantra over and over again, "It's NOT about me, NOT about me, NOT about me, NOT about me". I went to bed pretty easily that night, though I must admit that it's bloody hard to try to focus on their happiness without looking back on my own history. And I couldn't help feeling "left out" - because I DO want to share the happiness by sharing my own story, but I have no story to tell except my Mom's stories about her being pregnant with us and my own childhood stories.
But I think I've done a pretty decent job in trying to focus on them and their plans for the future instead of focusing on me (I may have slipped a few times but not too many times). Actually, writing all of this has made me feel SO much lighter. :-D
glitter-graphics.com
Lately I've been having lots of conversations related to children or actually pregnancies and babies with some friends.* One is pregnant and another one has started feeling the longing for motherhood. I was really happy when I heard about the pregnancy, but about half an hour afterwards the storm started within. I suddenly felt mellow and sad. I was uneasy 'coz I didn't know why I felt so sad (a different kind of sadness than what I experienced in the past). It wasn't that I started longing to have children again, mind you. Not that.
I actually just realized (while writing this post) that the news and the talk about pregnancy and the other friend's future TTC plan transported me face-to-face with my "dead/buried dreams". As if I were suddenly standing right in front of those rows and rows of buried dreams and I couldn't help shedding a few tears (literally just a few tears, not sobbing like crazy). I was again reminded of how many dead dreams that I had to let go of and I suppose the sight of it all kinda overwhelmed me: seeing not just the buried dream of achieving pregnancy, but also the opportunity to feel the morning sickness, to feel the baby kicking inside of me, to talk about hubby about the details of the baby room, to share the news with my friends and family, to hear their shrieks of delight upon hearing the news, to share preggy photos and USG photos, to give birth, to share baby photos, etc. etc. etc. And the list kept going on.
* Note: This is the kind of talk I want to be involved in 'coz I do care about them with all my heart. And I know they care about me with all that they've got as well.
Photo taken from here
And on another level, again I couldn't help but think how "easy" it seemed for some people to get preggy. The latest pregnancy news reminded me of my SIL's pregnancy. When I first found out about her second pregnancy, she told me that it was a surprise 'coz she said that "they weren't even so diligent in TTC" though they were trying to have one. Words like these came back to the surface every now and then. The more often I hear words like these, the closer I got to feeling that my body wasn't working the way it should have been (in the past I had not felt this at all, I think - at least I didn't really think that way).
Thankfully, though, the storm lasted only for about 6 hours (yeah, I'm slightly crazy about details LOL!). In the middle of it, I was screaming to God, "Help me, help me, help me focus on others' happiness instead of focusing on myself, pleaasssseeeeee." I also kept on remembering this verse: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (1 Corinthians 12:9)
glitter-graphics.com
That helped, as well as saying this mantra over and over again, "It's NOT about me, NOT about me, NOT about me, NOT about me". I went to bed pretty easily that night, though I must admit that it's bloody hard to try to focus on their happiness without looking back on my own history. And I couldn't help feeling "left out" - because I DO want to share the happiness by sharing my own story, but I have no story to tell except my Mom's stories about her being pregnant with us and my own childhood stories.
But I think I've done a pretty decent job in trying to focus on them and their plans for the future instead of focusing on me (I may have slipped a few times but not too many times). Actually, writing all of this has made me feel SO much lighter. :-D
glitter-graphics.com
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Absurd Thoughts
After we had decided to surrender to life without kids, at first I was worried that I wouldn't be taken seriously by others who were much older than me in the IF blogosphere (esp. the CNBCers). I started having this absurd thought of wishing to be older more quickly - not that I'd really want to experience menopause ASAP, but I just wanted to be "old enough" to "belong" in the CNBC community. The wish appeared and disappeared depending on my mood, but after I felt that I was accepted, it sort of retreated to the back of my mind.
A few months ago I experienced my first BPPV episode. The symptoms included the room spinning around, dizziness, nausea, and throwing up a few times. The second time it happened a few weeks after the first episode, that same weekend we went to visit my MIL. I had told her about the first episode along with the doc's diagnosis, but this time around she asked, "Are you absolutely sure you're not preggy?"
That question took my by surprise. A second or two later (still reeling with the surprise), I answered, "I'm absolutely sure that I'm not preggy." Then I started wondering if she was still wishing for a miracle to happen with us and that made me a tad sad for her...
I know that logically speaking, anything can still happen to us in other people's mind. In my mind, though, it's just impossible, because we don't even make love anymore during my fertile window, and as we all know, the fertile window is a very short time each month. In fact, it seems that I tend to avoid the fertile window altogether so as to make sure that I won't ever be preggy.
Seems like an extreme measure for someone who did try to have kids once in the past, but seriously speaking, now that we're used to the thought of life without kids, we DO enjoy being together just the two of us and now the thought of life with kids seems (again) like an intrusion to our lifestyle. Almost like the time prior TTC - the only difference is that now we have IF scars and sometimes our scars get bumped and they cause some pain.
Anyway, because it's kinda crazy if I tell people that it's impossible for us to have kids 'coz we don't even make love during my fertile window (it's our business, not theirs!), the absurd thought resurfaced after I heard my MIL's question. How I wished I'd have reached an old enough age for people to stop thinking that it's even possible for us to be preggy anymore!
Mind you, for all its worth, MIL has been a wonderful person altogether. I once sent her an email, telling her not to expect any grandchildren from us because of our infertility (the same time I told my Mom about it). I had also told her in the email that at one point I felt guilty that I couldn't give her any grandchildren. She replied the email, saying that she knew that we had suffered though we hadn't really told her anything before that...and that I shouldn't feel guilty about her at all and that I shouldn't worry about her wishes, so I should just get rid of the worry. And she's verbally told me time and time again how much she appreciates having me in her world (I suppose this is also 'coz she has no daughter and I'm rather close to her). So I'm not blaming MIL for asking the question.
Sometime last year I also told my mom about a preggy friend (only 'coz she knew the girl, so I always tell her updates on my friends that she knows and has met often) and she replied my SMS by saying, "I see. Well, keep on praying so that you'll also get preggy." This came after I had told her not to expect any grandchildren from us. I got a bit upset at that time and I replied her SMS by telling her the exact same thing that I had told her before - that we had been surrendering to life without kids and that we're fine with that.
Again I'm well aware that logically they still think that a "miracle" may just happen. It's just that knowing what I know about our bedtime activities, it makes me feel that it'd be such a waste if they still harbored some wish about a miracle for us...but then again I can't control other people's wishes, can I? It's a whole different thing if these are the wishes of strangers, but the wishes of the people you care about who care about you can rouse some conflicting emotions within you...but anyway, in the end I just have to let go again...of the things I can't control...
A few months ago I experienced my first BPPV episode. The symptoms included the room spinning around, dizziness, nausea, and throwing up a few times. The second time it happened a few weeks after the first episode, that same weekend we went to visit my MIL. I had told her about the first episode along with the doc's diagnosis, but this time around she asked, "Are you absolutely sure you're not preggy?"
That question took my by surprise. A second or two later (still reeling with the surprise), I answered, "I'm absolutely sure that I'm not preggy." Then I started wondering if she was still wishing for a miracle to happen with us and that made me a tad sad for her...
I know that logically speaking, anything can still happen to us in other people's mind. In my mind, though, it's just impossible, because we don't even make love anymore during my fertile window, and as we all know, the fertile window is a very short time each month. In fact, it seems that I tend to avoid the fertile window altogether so as to make sure that I won't ever be preggy.
Seems like an extreme measure for someone who did try to have kids once in the past, but seriously speaking, now that we're used to the thought of life without kids, we DO enjoy being together just the two of us and now the thought of life with kids seems (again) like an intrusion to our lifestyle. Almost like the time prior TTC - the only difference is that now we have IF scars and sometimes our scars get bumped and they cause some pain.
Anyway, because it's kinda crazy if I tell people that it's impossible for us to have kids 'coz we don't even make love during my fertile window (it's our business, not theirs!), the absurd thought resurfaced after I heard my MIL's question. How I wished I'd have reached an old enough age for people to stop thinking that it's even possible for us to be preggy anymore!
Mind you, for all its worth, MIL has been a wonderful person altogether. I once sent her an email, telling her not to expect any grandchildren from us because of our infertility (the same time I told my Mom about it). I had also told her in the email that at one point I felt guilty that I couldn't give her any grandchildren. She replied the email, saying that she knew that we had suffered though we hadn't really told her anything before that...and that I shouldn't feel guilty about her at all and that I shouldn't worry about her wishes, so I should just get rid of the worry. And she's verbally told me time and time again how much she appreciates having me in her world (I suppose this is also 'coz she has no daughter and I'm rather close to her). So I'm not blaming MIL for asking the question.
Sometime last year I also told my mom about a preggy friend (only 'coz she knew the girl, so I always tell her updates on my friends that she knows and has met often) and she replied my SMS by saying, "I see. Well, keep on praying so that you'll also get preggy." This came after I had told her not to expect any grandchildren from us. I got a bit upset at that time and I replied her SMS by telling her the exact same thing that I had told her before - that we had been surrendering to life without kids and that we're fine with that.
Again I'm well aware that logically they still think that a "miracle" may just happen. It's just that knowing what I know about our bedtime activities, it makes me feel that it'd be such a waste if they still harbored some wish about a miracle for us...but then again I can't control other people's wishes, can I? It's a whole different thing if these are the wishes of strangers, but the wishes of the people you care about who care about you can rouse some conflicting emotions within you...but anyway, in the end I just have to let go again...of the things I can't control...
Image taken from here
Thursday, April 18, 2013
What Letting Go Is...What Letting Go Is NOT...
Read this quote in Loribeth's blog a while ago and it was SO good that I just had to share it in FB as well. Here goes:
I responded, "In a way yes, I suppose. In some cases we have to set our boundaries and stick to them (in case of toxic people for example). In other cases some dreams do have an expiry date and letting go is essential in order to move on (rather than keep on bumping into a wall that's impenetrable). In other cases letting go of our dreams (and change them into other dreams) is the only way that we can start to heal. And I guess there are many other cases that I can't possibly think of."
What would you say if you were asked that question?
There is a big difference between giving up and letting go. Giving up means selling yourself short. It means allowing fear and struggle to limit your opportunities and keep you stuck.
Letting go means freeing yourself from something that is no longer serving you. It means removing toxic people and belief systems from your life so that you can make room for relationships and ideas that are conducive to your well-being and happiness.
Giving up reduces your life. Letting go expands it. Giving up is imprisoning. Letting go is liberation. Giving up is self-defeat. Letting go is self-care.
So the next time you make the decision to release something or someone that is stifling your happiness and growth, and a person has the audacity to accuse you of giving up or being weak, remind yourself of the difference. Remind yourself that you don’t need anyone’s permission or approval to live your life in the way that feels right. No one has the authority to tell you who to be or how to live. No one gets to decide what your life should look like or who should be a part of it. No one, but you.
~ Danielle KoepkeAn FB friend then commented on the quote, asking, "So it's all just about our point of view?"
I responded, "In a way yes, I suppose. In some cases we have to set our boundaries and stick to them (in case of toxic people for example). In other cases some dreams do have an expiry date and letting go is essential in order to move on (rather than keep on bumping into a wall that's impenetrable). In other cases letting go of our dreams (and change them into other dreams) is the only way that we can start to heal. And I guess there are many other cases that I can't possibly think of."
What would you say if you were asked that question?
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Have You Grieved Enough?
I've been thinking about infertility grief/loss lately. When I first started my infertility journey (after 12 months of TTC), I read as many infertility blogs as possible because I felt mostly crazy or weird or over-the-top. The message I got from non IFers at that time was that, "Just be patient/relax. It's not that you've tried that long anyway. Have you tried finding out what's wrong?" But I was convinced that my feelings of loss/grief were valid and I didn't want to deny them, so I just had to find others who voiced the feelings that I had churning inside me.
At that time I also desperately tried to find as many articles that could help me in my journey. One of them was this: Ambiguous Loss and Disenfranchised Grief.
With the kind of "invisible loss" that we've experienced (we've never been pregnant), I felt the need to "own" the grief and grieve fully, but at the same time I didn't want to "prolong" the process either, but it was hard to find out which is which. However, by joining some forums and reading about how other people have grieved (those who've gone before me, esp. those who don't end up with children), I realize that the grief waves come and go and many times you just don't know when it's gonna hit. The initial wave that I felt on my darkest moment was just so overwhelming. In the beginning I tried to "numb myself" because I felt a bit scared of the height and depth of the grief I felt at that time (Btw, Brené Brown has talked about numbing ourselves in Oprah show) .
I didn't want the wave to engulf me and drown me and "kill" me (or a huge chunk of me) because I was afraid of not being able to pick up all the pieces and carry on after that. After I finally let go and just let the wave wash over me, though, what I found was that it actually cleansed me. I had to start over again, to find myself, my place to belong, a new dream, but it didn't "kill" me (or a chunk of me) per se. And I found out that after the initial wave that felt like a tsunami, other waves did come and go, but they weren't as overwhelming anymore. I suspect that the cleansing also came from the fact that after reaching rock bottom, I sort of got the feeling that I couldn't possibly fall down even deeper than that, so the only way to go after that was up.
When a close friend experienced miscarriage some time ago, I reminded her to grieve fully a few times, but she said that she felt the right to do so, so my reminder wasn't really necessary. I wrongly used my own IF experience to try to "guess" what she may have felt, but that made me realize an important difference between our losses, because when she announced the miscarriage, all of us including a few other friends she had told about it acknowledged her loss in the blink of an eye, but when I shared my "ambiguous" loss, my closest friends were confused about the height and depth of my grief. They basically weren't ready to acknowledge or validate my grief/loss until I told them what I needed. And boy was I really so desperate in getting others to validate my grief back then!
At that time I didn't really understand why I felt so desperate until I read these words:
Absent rituals? That's spot on. When my friend who experienced miscarriage buried "her baby" in the backyard, it was the first time I'd ever felt the strong need for a ritual. I felt that I needed a more "real" closure. I was again reluctant to grieve, but in the end the need grew stronger and stronger so I let go. Due to a non-existent normal rituals, I had to create my own. And I did feel more healing after creating the ritual.
I find that during my IF journey, I'm taught to let go of SO many different things (not just letting go of the dreams that include children) over and over again. Letting go of control, of "trying to hold it together", of whatever other people may think about my loss and my grief and how I grieve. And I bet there will be many more other lessons in the future, so bring it on! I can't wait for more enlightenment to come!
At that time I also desperately tried to find as many articles that could help me in my journey. One of them was this: Ambiguous Loss and Disenfranchised Grief.
With the kind of "invisible loss" that we've experienced (we've never been pregnant), I felt the need to "own" the grief and grieve fully, but at the same time I didn't want to "prolong" the process either, but it was hard to find out which is which. However, by joining some forums and reading about how other people have grieved (those who've gone before me, esp. those who don't end up with children), I realize that the grief waves come and go and many times you just don't know when it's gonna hit. The initial wave that I felt on my darkest moment was just so overwhelming. In the beginning I tried to "numb myself" because I felt a bit scared of the height and depth of the grief I felt at that time (Btw, Brené Brown has talked about numbing ourselves in Oprah show) .
I didn't want the wave to engulf me and drown me and "kill" me (or a huge chunk of me) because I was afraid of not being able to pick up all the pieces and carry on after that. After I finally let go and just let the wave wash over me, though, what I found was that it actually cleansed me. I had to start over again, to find myself, my place to belong, a new dream, but it didn't "kill" me (or a chunk of me) per se. And I found out that after the initial wave that felt like a tsunami, other waves did come and go, but they weren't as overwhelming anymore. I suspect that the cleansing also came from the fact that after reaching rock bottom, I sort of got the feeling that I couldn't possibly fall down even deeper than that, so the only way to go after that was up.
When a close friend experienced miscarriage some time ago, I reminded her to grieve fully a few times, but she said that she felt the right to do so, so my reminder wasn't really necessary. I wrongly used my own IF experience to try to "guess" what she may have felt, but that made me realize an important difference between our losses, because when she announced the miscarriage, all of us including a few other friends she had told about it acknowledged her loss in the blink of an eye, but when I shared my "ambiguous" loss, my closest friends were confused about the height and depth of my grief. They basically weren't ready to acknowledge or validate my grief/loss until I told them what I needed. And boy was I really so desperate in getting others to validate my grief back then!
At that time I didn't really understand why I felt so desperate until I read these words:
"An important factor in the resolution of grief is social support from others. The bereaved need support, not only for the reality of the loss, but for the validity of their grief, and of themselves as legitimate grievers. As Fowlkes (1991, p. 532) wrote, "Because loss entails a loss of self-validation, the starting point for recovery is the validation of the loss itself."
Ambiguous losses receive little or no public recognition, and if members of the social network are unable to recognize the loss as real, they will not be able to validate the grief of the bereaved. Others may find providing support difficult to do, since people are more comfortable with "normal" rather than what is perceived as "abnormal" losses and grief responses. Thus, an ambiguous loss may be experienced as irreconcilable. This may, in turn, lead to disenfranchised grief...
....Because of the lack of social recognition, disenfranchised grief is a hidden grief and this "hiddenness" can paradoxically increase the reaction to loss. There can be an intensify emotional reactions. It can intensify feelings of anger, guilt and/or powerlessness, thus resulting in a more complicated grief response. Rituals may be absent or the grievers may be excluded from rituals. The reduced or absent social support promotes a sense of generalized isolation on the part of the griever.
Disenfranchised grief may lay hidden for years, only to be triggered by later losses. Seeland (1990) proposed that this hidden grief can lead to incomplete resolution of the tasks Worden outlined. There may be delayed grief reactions where new grief may build on or trigger old, unresolved grief responses. This may result in chronic grief reaction where grief is never resolved, life becomes stagnant, and new emotional growth cannot take place. Grief reactions may be masked, and grief may express itself in a variety of physical, psychological, or behavioral manifestations."
Absent rituals? That's spot on. When my friend who experienced miscarriage buried "her baby" in the backyard, it was the first time I'd ever felt the strong need for a ritual. I felt that I needed a more "real" closure. I was again reluctant to grieve, but in the end the need grew stronger and stronger so I let go. Due to a non-existent normal rituals, I had to create my own. And I did feel more healing after creating the ritual.
I find that during my IF journey, I'm taught to let go of SO many different things (not just letting go of the dreams that include children) over and over again. Letting go of control, of "trying to hold it together", of whatever other people may think about my loss and my grief and how I grieve. And I bet there will be many more other lessons in the future, so bring it on! I can't wait for more enlightenment to come!
Friday, March 15, 2013
Life vs Death
After reading this post and Mali's comment, I began to think of my own experiences.
Here is what Mali wrote:
"Yes – I find that some pregnancies hurt, and some don’t bother me at all. And it’s not always the way I expect it – pregnancy announcements I thought would be painful were not, and those I thought I’d breeze through hit hard, and yes, hurt."
I can totally relate to that, because in the past there were some announcements*** that didn't really affect me much, but there were some that unexpectedly just made me "double over in pain". I wondered what made me do that, because I was happy for the one(s) who shared the good news.
Additional note: I think the announcements may not just be limited to pregnancy announcements, but also milestones (a child's graduation, a child's wedding day, a friend's announcing that he/she's gonna be a grandparent, etc.) - but whatever the announcement is, it's the celebration of life.
In the beginning when we were still TTC I felt totally jealous/envious because I still wished I could have my own babies, but nowadays (when we're no longer expecting children in our future) it's more like their "life" news (the news about the new life that will be brought to earth) reminds me of "death". The death of our dream. Some "life" news stories hit hard because all of a sudden I can see the remnants of our dead dream right in front of me and that's not something I wish to see, but I can't deny what I see on those occasions and so I have to deal with the loss all over again (letting it go once more) so that I can continue to move on with my life (not just stopping/standing on the spot while staring at those remnants).
It's probably the opposite of some news of death that reminds us how precious our life is. Some news of death can be so staggering and jarring that they just stop us in our track to remind us of the most important things on earth. Some news of death reminds us of the fragility of life so much so that it may even shift/change our perspective and goals.
Now I begin to understand more why "total healing" is impossible for someone like me because of the life/death situation I mentioned here (just like it's impossible to "avoid" news of death), but then again if learning to let go over and over again will help me get even better in that area (read: making it easier for me to let go of things I can't change/get in the future), then so be it!
glitter-graphics.com
Additional note (added on Sat, March 16-03-2013): I just want anyone who read this post to know that I did NOT write this post from a place of pain. It was my effort in trying to think logically as to why some pain may still appear in the future despite the fact that we've given up on kids. I want to be realistic. I want to figure out what I felt and why I felt a certain way and what has changed in the way I think/feel about things.
There has been A LOT of healing in my world after infertility and as what Mali and Wolfers said below in the comment section, the pain is MUCH less than before as time goes by (and as I learn more and more to let go over and over and over again - I think even if so much time passes by, if we don't learn to let go over and over again, it still won't bring more and more healing) and nowadays I experience less tumultuous/chaotic whirlwind of emotions compared to what I had experience in the past when I was still harboring some hope of becoming pregnant.
Here is what Mali wrote:
"Yes – I find that some pregnancies hurt, and some don’t bother me at all. And it’s not always the way I expect it – pregnancy announcements I thought would be painful were not, and those I thought I’d breeze through hit hard, and yes, hurt."
I can totally relate to that, because in the past there were some announcements*** that didn't really affect me much, but there were some that unexpectedly just made me "double over in pain". I wondered what made me do that, because I was happy for the one(s) who shared the good news.
Additional note: I think the announcements may not just be limited to pregnancy announcements, but also milestones (a child's graduation, a child's wedding day, a friend's announcing that he/she's gonna be a grandparent, etc.) - but whatever the announcement is, it's the celebration of life.
In the beginning when we were still TTC I felt totally jealous/envious because I still wished I could have my own babies, but nowadays (when we're no longer expecting children in our future) it's more like their "life" news (the news about the new life that will be brought to earth) reminds me of "death". The death of our dream. Some "life" news stories hit hard because all of a sudden I can see the remnants of our dead dream right in front of me and that's not something I wish to see, but I can't deny what I see on those occasions and so I have to deal with the loss all over again (letting it go once more) so that I can continue to move on with my life (not just stopping/standing on the spot while staring at those remnants).
It's probably the opposite of some news of death that reminds us how precious our life is. Some news of death can be so staggering and jarring that they just stop us in our track to remind us of the most important things on earth. Some news of death reminds us of the fragility of life so much so that it may even shift/change our perspective and goals.
Now I begin to understand more why "total healing" is impossible for someone like me because of the life/death situation I mentioned here (just like it's impossible to "avoid" news of death), but then again if learning to let go over and over again will help me get even better in that area (read: making it easier for me to let go of things I can't change/get in the future), then so be it!
glitter-graphics.com
Additional note (added on Sat, March 16-03-2013): I just want anyone who read this post to know that I did NOT write this post from a place of pain. It was my effort in trying to think logically as to why some pain may still appear in the future despite the fact that we've given up on kids. I want to be realistic. I want to figure out what I felt and why I felt a certain way and what has changed in the way I think/feel about things.
There has been A LOT of healing in my world after infertility and as what Mali and Wolfers said below in the comment section, the pain is MUCH less than before as time goes by (and as I learn more and more to let go over and over and over again - I think even if so much time passes by, if we don't learn to let go over and over again, it still won't bring more and more healing) and nowadays I experience less tumultuous/chaotic whirlwind of emotions compared to what I had experience in the past when I was still harboring some hope of becoming pregnant.
Monday, September 3, 2012
After The Meeting
The meeting I mentioned in my previous post went fine due to several reasons. One reason was that my period had started already last Saturday and my mood went considerably more stable after that ha ha...Secondly, there was already another friend before my preggy friend came and even after that we talked about many different topics, especially after the other two friends came. Thirdly, the preggy friend also showed interest in my life. :-)
Funny thing was that when I was talking to the first friend who was there already when I arrived, she (a mother of three boys - two of whom are already adults) said to me when I asked about her kids, "Kids are overrated." She didn't say it in a negative way, though. She just stated it in a matter-of-fact manner he he...
I know she loves her boys so much 'coz she's been a single mother ever since her husband died years ago, but at least she doesn't sugarcoat mommyhood. She has to survive in a new country and support her kids and now two of them are already independent young men. Now that's what I call a fighter! :-D
But the sentence that she said definitely helped me get in a good mood ha ha ha ha...And nobody asked about kids concerning us, so it was all good. It was just a tad sad 'coz one friend is moving away from this place in a few months', so we were also sort of saying goodbye to her, though we hope we can still have time to meet her again before she finally leaves us. It's sad not only because she's our friend, but because there aren't too many foreigners living in this small village of Sodankylä, so when one foreigner leaves, it's a HUGE loss for the rest of us.
However, I hope she'll have a good life in the city! :-) And it means that I have a new reason to visit the city later on he he he...
P.S. Read a blog post on "seasons of a marriage" and I realized that for us, it's as though we jumped from the fourth year straight into "the empty nest period" (when we let go of our dream to have kids) even though we don't necessarily experience all the ups and downs of parenting, but I do think about our older years and we do redirect our focus from that dream towards "fun/memorable things to do together". Isn't that what older couples do as well when the kids have left the nest?
Funny thing was that when I was talking to the first friend who was there already when I arrived, she (a mother of three boys - two of whom are already adults) said to me when I asked about her kids, "Kids are overrated." She didn't say it in a negative way, though. She just stated it in a matter-of-fact manner he he...
I know she loves her boys so much 'coz she's been a single mother ever since her husband died years ago, but at least she doesn't sugarcoat mommyhood. She has to survive in a new country and support her kids and now two of them are already independent young men. Now that's what I call a fighter! :-D
But the sentence that she said definitely helped me get in a good mood ha ha ha ha...And nobody asked about kids concerning us, so it was all good. It was just a tad sad 'coz one friend is moving away from this place in a few months', so we were also sort of saying goodbye to her, though we hope we can still have time to meet her again before she finally leaves us. It's sad not only because she's our friend, but because there aren't too many foreigners living in this small village of Sodankylä, so when one foreigner leaves, it's a HUGE loss for the rest of us.
However, I hope she'll have a good life in the city! :-) And it means that I have a new reason to visit the city later on he he he...
P.S. Read a blog post on "seasons of a marriage" and I realized that for us, it's as though we jumped from the fourth year straight into "the empty nest period" (when we let go of our dream to have kids) even though we don't necessarily experience all the ups and downs of parenting, but I do think about our older years and we do redirect our focus from that dream towards "fun/memorable things to do together". Isn't that what older couples do as well when the kids have left the nest?
Thursday, May 24, 2012
On Unfulfilled Potentials
Was talking to my closest friends about different topics and we ended up talking about unfulfilled potentials. One friend said that when she saw great pianists, she always wondered what would have happened if she had been more focused on learning the piano when she was younger. She said that as she grew older, in a way it got a little tougher to accept the fact that she may not be fulfilling her potential as a pianist because she had less and less time to reach that dream. In the past if she saw great pianists, she felt more inspired and encouraged to follow that dream because it seemed that there was still ample time to do so. However, she also said that hopefully as she grew older, she would be wiser to accept the facts about unfulfilled potentials in any area of life.
I suddenly started thinking about infertility and motherhood. I told her that for me, motherhood was similar to her pianist dream. I don't actually know for sure how much "potential" I have to be a mother, but it was a dream I had for a certain period of time.
In my simplistic mind, when talking about unfulfilled potentials, you'd either have to do something about it or let it go. Letting it go also means accepting the fact that at the end of the day, maybe you'll only have fulfilled your potential until P instead of Z. In another life (so to speak), you may have made different choices and you may be able to fulfill that particular potential fully (or in a higher level than this life), but we've only got one life to live, so that's that. And we'll never know for sure anyway if in another life we'll be able to reach that potential more fully.
In my family, my brother is the more musical one. He took organ lessons when he was younger and the teacher said he was talented. He was in the course for years and then he stopped for a while, then continued it again for a while and for a period of time, my Mom was feeling sad because she felt that he could do more with his musical talents. Then when he was at the uni, he picked up the guitar and bass guitar and nowadays he plays bass guitar at church. In another life, he may be able to perform in stages or produce music by himself. Who knows? But this is his only life and he's made choices and he loves playing guitar/bass guitar at church.
When speaking about possibilities and unfulfilled potentials, there are too many unknown factors. R2 and I have made our choices and we have to live with it. In another life, we may be trying out something else at the moment, but in this life, I'm content to be where I am - even though every now and then I'm reminded of "my unfulfilled potential" that may be painful, but I'm THANKFUL for the lessons that IF has brought, because through IF I'm given a chance to learn more:
1. How to love myself despite myself.
2. That God's grace is enough.
3. More than ever before I know that God understands my pains and He cares, even though I've yelled at Him and accused Him of being unjust.
4. That I've married the right guy.
5. The painful lesson of letting go and letting God.
glitter-graphics.com
Sunday, May 2, 2010
The Stab of Longing
Yeah, the stab of longing is back after I hadn't felt it in a long while. During our two-week holiday in Rhodes, I saw MANY MANY pregnant women, but at that time I still didn't feel any stab of longing. I was happy to see their bulging bellies and glowing aura. Now I know why I felt happy for them. It was 'coz I was still thinking that I could continue doing my training at the daycare once my current training contract was over. So in my mind during that holiday, I thought that I'd still have at least 4 more months with the kids at the daycare instead of only one more month left.
Now that I know I can't continue doing the training there after asking about this possibility to the employment office, I feel robbed of the joy I've had with the kids there. It's frustrating and sad to know that even though the daycare boss has given me the green light to continue helping out there, but the employment office has the final say. It's sad to know that I only have one month left with the kids and then I have to say goodbye to them.
It's frustrating to know that this has to end now that I know already all their names and their personalities and they've grown to know me better too. It's tough to let go 'coz some of them are getting more and more attached to me. Yesterday when it was time to help the kids take a nap, I wanted to cry, knowing that I only had one month left to spend with them. Sigh...
This fact made me feel that stab of longing when I saw my friend's baby picture in Facebook. When I still thought I could continue doing the training at the daycare, I could look at baby or pregnancy pics in Facebook happily, joyfully, without any stabs of longing...but I'm gonna hold on to the belief that if one door closes, another one opens or if there's no open door, there must be at least an open window. And I don't want to be the one who keeps on staring at the closed door so that I don't even realize the existence of other open doors/windows, no matter how painful it is to let go...
Letting go is so hard...I feel that I've been getting more and more lessons in terms of letting go. But then again, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? Gotta just make the choice to accept what I can't change and be creative in the meantime.
P.S. Heaven help me so that on my last day at the daycare, I WILL NOT cry in front of the kids so that they won't feel confused. God, I'm BEGGING YOU not to let me cry in front of them!!!
Now that I know I can't continue doing the training there after asking about this possibility to the employment office, I feel robbed of the joy I've had with the kids there. It's frustrating and sad to know that even though the daycare boss has given me the green light to continue helping out there, but the employment office has the final say. It's sad to know that I only have one month left with the kids and then I have to say goodbye to them.
It's frustrating to know that this has to end now that I know already all their names and their personalities and they've grown to know me better too. It's tough to let go 'coz some of them are getting more and more attached to me. Yesterday when it was time to help the kids take a nap, I wanted to cry, knowing that I only had one month left to spend with them. Sigh...
This fact made me feel that stab of longing when I saw my friend's baby picture in Facebook. When I still thought I could continue doing the training at the daycare, I could look at baby or pregnancy pics in Facebook happily, joyfully, without any stabs of longing...but I'm gonna hold on to the belief that if one door closes, another one opens or if there's no open door, there must be at least an open window. And I don't want to be the one who keeps on staring at the closed door so that I don't even realize the existence of other open doors/windows, no matter how painful it is to let go...
Letting go is so hard...I feel that I've been getting more and more lessons in terms of letting go. But then again, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? Gotta just make the choice to accept what I can't change and be creative in the meantime.
P.S. Heaven help me so that on my last day at the daycare, I WILL NOT cry in front of the kids so that they won't feel confused. God, I'm BEGGING YOU not to let me cry in front of them!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)