I was wondering what made me feel "left behind", so I went soul searching to find out what it was all about. For some weird reason, the first thing that came up was my Mom's status as a grandmother. Why? Because my cousin's mother (my aunt) has three kids and she's got 6 grandchildren already. This upcoming baby will be her seventh grandchild. I couldn't help comparing my Mom and this aunt (it wasn't a conscious effort on my part - the thoughts just came tumbling down as soon as I received the news), because my Mom will probably only get two grandchildren in her lifetime (and I'm RELIEVED that she's actually gonna get more than one because at one point in time, my bro told me that he didn't want more than one child). Sadness swept across my heart.
I didn't feel any guilt, though but after that, I couldn't help thinking about hubby's loss, either. Out of the blue I had this image of a small child playing with hubby and it took me by surprise. I had to let the image go, along with hubby's loss, along with my Mom's loss. The sadness wasn't overwhelming, but I felt it nonetheless and I felt compelled to grieve again.
So I think I felt more "left behind" (read: sad) in terms of not being able to give joy (or share joyful news) to those around me (AKA my Mom and hubby), whereas other people (in this case SIL and my cousin) were able to share the joyful news twice already. Another reason is probably 'coz the third baby coming is a surprise baby and that baby's gonna make my friend a grandmother at a rather young age (to be a grandmother, I mean). And it just hit me that I'd never be able to become a grandmother. In the past I never really thought this far ahead 'coz most of my friends my age aren't of the age when they can become grandparents yet. Another thing to let go of...
Last night I visualised splitting myself up in two: the sad me and the me-as-my-own-best-friend. The me-as-my-own-best-friend held on to the sad me in a tight and warm embrace, saying over and over again, "It'll be OK. Everything's gonna be OK. We're gonna be OK." The grieving process didn't take too long this time.
This infertility journey is really an enigma. You'll never know when a certain story or a patch of news will evoke surprising thoughts/emotions within you. There are so many levels and layers of grief that you need to work through, so many things to let go of. I felt rather frustrated at first when I felt what I felt because at first it made no sense, but now that I know what I had to let go of, I'm much calmer and I'm just gonna embrace every single part of the journey.
P.S. Infertility reminds me of the keloid on my right elbow. I had a small operation done to remove a very stubborn and deeply-rooted wart that wouldn't go away (I know, yuck!) decades ago. Once the stitches were removed (there were only 3), I was hoping that there would be no scars, but alas...not long after that, the skin got ugly and bumpy. My doctor friend told me it was called keloid.
These days the scars aren't as clear as before, but whenever it's bumped a certain way accidentally, I can feel it in my nerves and depending on how hard I bump it, it can be either very unpleasant or even painful (not painful like you're being hit on the gut, but the nerves are very tender there). And I guess that's what infertility does. My wounds are healed, not bleeding anymore...but there are scars left (keloid) that sometimes still feel unpleasant or even painful on days when they "bump" into things.
