You see, in many zombie stories, if a zombie bites you, then in time you'll turn into a zombie yourself. So if a zombie bites your leg or arm for example, if you don't want to turn into a zombie, you'll have to chop it off. It's gonna be such a painful process and it'd take time before your wound heals, but if you turn into a zombie, you're also a menace to your surroundings and the people around you. And once you turn into a zombie, the only "loving" thing that your loved ones can do is kill you before you have a chance to bite them and turn them into zombies, too. What kind of option is that, right?
That was what I felt. I didn't want to turn into a "zombie". I felt as though I was that close to turning into a "zombie", so I had to "chop off the infected part" even though it was SO painful to do so. I had to stop it before I became too obsessed (I have the tendency to do so), before it was too late, before my "zombie virus" threatened to overcome my whole being that I'd even jeopardize my marriage and relationships with others and myself (due to envy, jealousy, anger, guilt, cynicism, grief, sorrow, and the whole smorgasbord of unbearable feelings).
It did cross my mind that if I could have continued TTC without being "obsessed" about it, I would've probably continued, but because I couldn't do so, I had to draw the line somewhere (my heart just couldn't handle it anymore). Reading hundreds of IF blogs helped me in making the decision, because there was no guarantee that a baby was going to be in our future no matter how hard we tried. Reading IF blogs who tell stories about life without kids after infertility especially helped me to be surer of the decision.
I'm grateful to all those people who've bared their hearts and souls in their blogs during their IF journeys.
P.S. Almost forgot: Heard SUPERB NEWS about two friends' health concerns I mentioned in my previous post. They're both cleared from the first diagnoses. WOOOHOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
glitter-graphics.com
I like the analogy. And especially like the fact you've had good news re health worries.
ReplyDeleteGlad you liked it. :-) I felt a bit over-the-top when writing it, but it was what I felt. And yeah, I'm REALLY glad about the good news. :-)
DeleteI hear you on the dangers of becoming consumed by the loss. I KNOW that feeling. It is not easy to cut off what wants life so very much. It is likely the hardest thing I have ever done. I admire your strength.
ReplyDeleteI am new to your blog so I don't know what health concerns you were facing. However, I am so happy to hear that they are no longer concerns. :-)
xo
Tracey( aka La belette rouge)
Yeah, very true about being consumed by the loss (and subsequent feelings related to the loss). THANKS for your kind words!!! :-)
DeleteOh, the health concerns aren't mine, but my friends'. :-)
I'm glad to hear that your friends's medical outcomes are great!
ReplyDeleteWith being consumed by loss, as Tracey said, hardest thing one could ever done- I have always wondered since last year, is there a specific timeline (thinking hope that's the right word) or deadline on how long would one need to grieve, before moving on? That's what I'm dealin' with currently, although I like to think that I'm doing better compared to last year(first year, really.) Good using the zombie analog- I hadn't thought about that but very apt! :)
BTW, your FB page disappeared- wanted to give you an head up.
Hi, Julie!
DeleteI've deactivated my FB page for a while. Just want to log off for a while 'coz I have had a love-and-hate relationship with it for a long time and this time it's been piling up too much. If I simply log off without deactivating it, I'll still get many messages and I'm afraid people will still send me important messages through there without realizing that I want a holiday from it, so I want to avoid that. But I'll be back again. :-)
I don't think there's a specific timeline/deadline for grief, 'coz that's one of the things I've read when I first realized I was an IF. I read a very good article somewhere that grief isn't a linear process with a clear start and ending. It may go in circles (loss, anger, denial, self-defense mechanism, etc. until finally acceptance again), BUT I think the circles get better as time goes by (not as acute anymore). I also think our second year (after IF) was much better than our first. And now we're on our third year already and it gets better still. :-)
And I think it's better accepting that grief isn't linear, 'coz we're only humans. :-)