From Disconnection to Connection

It's been so long since I last blogged or blog-hopped. I thought to myself a while back that I probably wouldn't start blogging again, but this week I feel compelled to write again, because I've experienced a huge moment of shift and I need to record it somewhere so that I don't forget.

Shortly after my mom passed away out of the blue last February, I had a strange feeling in my chest/brain. You see, my mom has always been my bridge (communicator) between worlds. She was the one who kept me updated about my sibling and his life as well as our relatives. I suddenly had an image of a cut off phone line upward in my family tree (imagine it in 3D) and my phone line downward is dangling in the air as I have nobody to "call". No more direct connection upward, no direct connection downward ever. I didn't feel depressed, but it felt strange. Hollow. I felt like floating in the air, though it wasn't my intention to do so. I was uneasy, still in the process of figuring out the new configuration and how I felt about it.

Then after a while, images of all those people who had come before me in the vast family tree (whose names I don't even know, so they were simply imagined faces) flashed through my brain. And when family trees upon family trees upon family trees kept on branching or stopped branching, it wasn't hard to notice just how small (or even tiny) one life is when you think of all those histories. My lifetime is but a short breath in the vast ocean of life, and one important thing came across my mind when I thought of the rows and rows of people and family trees with cut off and dangling and connected phone lines. It's the realization that in the grand scheme of life, I'm connected to many people in my lifetime (including those I may never meet in real life, including those who may find my written texts long after I'm gone). Therefore, it's impossible for me to know whose lives I've touched and how meaningful one interaction can be. Heck, a meaningful encounter may also mean that some people learn from my mistakes. How can I possibly know whether some other people have learnt from my mistakes (unless they tell me directly, that is)? My point is that the more I think about meanings in life, the more impossible it is for me to pinpoint exactly what makes my life meaningful (especially since my job doesn't involve changing/saving the world and I don't have kids).

That moment made me feel free. I don't need to wonder about what makes my life meaningful since my life journey is so connected to so many people around the world (through this blog and other social media outlets as well). I just need to be me as authentically as I can be. With all my warts and all. That's it. I'm free to just be me. My life is meaningful enough as a teeny tiny drop in the huge ocean of life. I am enough. Funny how one moment of feeling disconnected can make me feel so much more connected that I ever felt in my life.

Variables

You know, whenever I read posts that debate the kind of views that state that non-parents aren't as busy as parents, I cringe inside. Because of my personality and my choice of a "simple life" (at least that's how I call it), I have limited variables that can complicate my life. 

I have a part-time job and even though I was asked if I wanted to have more working hours, I chose not to. It'd be a whole different case if we needed money desperately or if it was a different kind of job, but one of the reasons I chose not to have more working hours was that I did that one time and it backfired on me. I'm an introvert at heart and working in a job where I have to serve people (meet lots of people) means that I need plenty of recharging time = alone time. Whenever I feel "tired" of being with people, I tend to just hide in our house and avoid meeting people as best as I can. Having a part-time job means that I have plenty of spare time to do whatever I want to do at home.

Speaking of variables in life, though...my job is the kind of job that doesn't really leave too much "homework", so basically I don't have to be carrying around any mental burdens whenever my shift is over. Other than that, I get along well with my MIL as well as my BILs and SILs. I only have one younger brother and he doesn't give me a headache, either (never had). My dad and FIL have passed away and my mom still lives with my brother and wife, so I don't have to worry about her being on her own. My nephews live far away from us and two of them are already almost grown-ups and we have no pets.

I don't have too many IRL friends, but I do enjoy meeting them every now and then and they're not the type of friends that say bad things about me, so again I don't have to worry about meeting them (esp. since they're done with procreating). So if I look at my life and if anyone comments that he or she envies my "less busier life", then I won't be able to debate it and I'll say that it may be true. But then again this is how I choose my life to be. 


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I get along pretty well with my coworkers, though I can't say that they're my friends, but I know that they've accepted me as one of the team members despite the fact that I'm a foreigner (I'm SO grateful for this). However, my coworkers are mostly younger than me and we don't really poke into one another's business, so we don't talk about babies and stuff like that. 

Next door neighbours? Well, we do say hi to one another whenever we meet, but the interaction never goes beyond that, so we never have any problems with them. 

I think whenever people perceive that someone else's life is "less busier" than theirs, it's because they don't know all the other variables in that other person's life. What they see is but a glimpse of an illusion - which may or may not be true. The more variables in life that you have (having to care for a sick, aging parent on top of a bankruptcy and your own health issues for example or even a fight with a friend and problems with neighbour/coworker/brother/sister), the "busier" your life can be if those variables aren't in "good shape". But then again I believe that attitude and personality come into play as well. Something that may be difficult to handle for A may be easy/easier for B. Something that may be difficult may be less "bitter" if you see it from another perspective.*


* I'm NOT trying to belittle life's problems or grief or whatever it is that life may bring and I'm all into embracing whatever you're feeling and then working through them and I'm not trying to say that one should be positive all the time, but just saying that I believe attitude does matter. 

I remember when I was translating novels for a publisher, a friend of mine who graduated from the same faculty told me that for her, working like that would  be like a torture and that no matter how much someone was willing to pay her to do translating jobs, she would never accept it. I laughed when I read her words, because in my mind, she wasn't mocking my job, but she was stressing on my strength. That I was patient enough to be doing something that she thought would be one of the most boring things on earth.

Anyway, I'm rambling here...I was seriously debating on writing this post or not, but I just couldn't get the itch away LOL!!! 

Baby Boom and Health Problems Revisited

Two friends had their babies yesterday and today. Other than the baby boom factor and health problems looming since the beginning of this year, I've heard more health issues and I'm currently having a bothersome health problem. Nothing serious for me (just a bothersome bout of BPPV), but the other two health issues experienced by two different people I know are pretty serious, so I hope they have a happy ending in terms of healing. 

Speaking of happy endings, due to this bout of BPPV I wasn't really sharing anything much in FB for NIAW, but yesterday I shared Pamela's youtube video "There's more than one happy ending" and I wrote above it: "This is our infertility happy ending: me + hubby = a complete family." 

I felt that I had shared other notes about infertility in the past (like "things not to say to infertiles") so this time I want more people to acknowledge this kind of happy ending as well. THANK YOU, Pamela, for having made the video available to represent this kind of happy ending. :-)

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.  

- Robert Frost

 

Family Gathering

We had some relatives staying at our place the other day and I had to feed 9 people. It was the first time I had ever cooked for 9 people. Well, I didn't really have to cook much, though. Just salmon soup and then we provided some snacks and ice-cream and late at night I just baked some french fries in the oven. Pretty simple, because we had lunch at MIL's already (reindeer, salad, bread, cheese, milk). At first the plan was to grill outside at our place but nobody seemed keen to do so 'coz the temperature was rather cool. Only about 14-15'C and the wind was rather cool, esp. after the sun had gone down, the temperature dropped to 9'C during the night.

We played Uno until 2.30 am and it was FUN FUN FUN...One of the nicest parts is that we were all grown ups. Well, there's a couple who're still pretty young, but they're already 20 years old (nephew and fiancee), but still it's nice to be surrounded by people who've either done with populating the world or not ready enough to do so 'coz they've just started life at the university.

One SIL doesn't want another child. She's got a teenage daughter and the other one has never had one (and she's probably too old to have one now). BIL married her last year. So there's no talk about baby or raising kids or anything of that sort. No distraction whatsoever because of a small child wanting attention or being cranky due to fatigue or whatever reason. 

No arguing, either. It was just an enjoyable family day with lots of laughter (my cheeks felt sore after a while!!!). :-D

Quote of the Day

Found it here: Live Passionately


When I read it, I smiled so widely 'coz I felt that it really fit IFers in a special way! :-D