The question "Why me?" tortured my mind during my infertility journey. I think many of you (if not all) are able to relate to that.
One of the things I found early on was a quote that went like this, "Don't ask 'why me'. Instead ask 'why not me?'"
I knew that it was supposed to be an empowering quote, but in my anger at that time, I couldn't accept that kind of challenge. I didn't like it because thinking about "why not me" didn't appease the anger. So the struggle continued and I was subconsciously trying to find any answer that could appease me. I think I even pretended to shake it off at some point by telling myself that the question didn't bother me and I couldn't care less about it, but it still came out to taunt me every now and then.
Over time one of the things that crossed my mind was that anyone on earth could have asked the "why" questionabout many aspects of my life. I mean, if you really try to think about it globally...some people who are born with poor, abusive parents in a shitty neighbourhood may just ask me the question, "Why wasn't I not born in your family instead? I'd love to have a proper education, too." I don't know. Why was I the one who was born in my family?
And my mind went even further: Why was that particular person in the wrong place at the wrong time? Why wasn't I the one being kidnapped and abused and killed in such a brutal way? Why wasn't I born in China in a poor family who had to sell me as a rich, old man's concubine in order to pay off their debts? Why wasn't I the one being run over by that drunk driver? Why wasn't I the one left crippled/dead because of that drunk driver?
Mind you, I don't want to experience all the things (who would?), but my mind just went into overdrive. And the more I tried to think of other possible "why" questions coming from different people about any kind of topics available on earth, the only conclusion I got was: "I don't know why. It's just life. It's not fair. It's nothing personal." Funnily enough, that answer and this brain exercise were enough to appease me.
Another thing that helped me was something that I found by accident. It was a quote that went like this: "If you want to ask why for all the bad things that happen to you, you have to ask the same question for all the good things that happen to you."Slap! Ouch!
Why me? Why not someone else who probably has given the same amount of effort and not less talented than I am? I don't know. That's just life. It's nothing personal. Again and again that was the only answer I could give. But at least this quote that has slapped me on the face has also helped me count my blessings instead of focusing on my troubles. Have you been asking the "why" question as well? And what kind of answers have you found along the way?
P.S. Along the way I also found this Christian blogger who wrote about her faith and the "why me" question: It's Not About Me.
Maybe I've even linked this post once, but I still think it's important enough to be linked again. Rest in peace, Sara! Your blog continues to be a blessing for me even long after you're gone...
Mali has written a brilliant blog post again entitled "The Rest of My Life" and I've been wanting to write my own answer to that question posed in Lisa's blog, but I've been busy, so I only have time to type this down now. Before I start, let me also share loribeth's post on the same topic.
A few years back, after deciding on surrendering to life without children, I felt the need to find something "grand/noble" to fill my life as a result of not having children. I think this stemmed from the fact that many people would automatically say, "You can always adopt" whenever we said we couldn't have children and I have read many people who accused infertiles of being selfish for trying out treatments "when there are so many abandoned children out there". As if one needs to be like Mother Teresa if one wants to have children but can't. So I definitely felt the societal pressure to find something big to do with my life when the baby thing didn't work out, but I never really started searching.
In the first place, I was lost, grieving, sorrowful, and I had to deal with so many emotional storms that I couldn't think straight. We did make one rash decision during this journey because I was so angry with our empty arms and after learning that lesson, I decided not to make any decision when I'm angry. I had to take time to enter that place of pain and process my grief along with all the emotional storms inside. After all, the only way to handle grief is to grieve.
The first things I did in order to move on were probably these:
1. Finding small things that bring me joy and doing things that bring me joy.
2. Tapping into my inner child (in my case I try to build different kinds of snow creations in winter, the photos of which you can check out in my main blog). 3. Writing down the things I've been learning during my infertility journey and rebranding infertility as a guru instead of an enemy and truly believing in it.
Only after doing the above and after getting farther away from the rows and rows of buried dreams (after doing grief work for a longer time) did I start getting clues on what I wanted to do. It's not about finding big, grand dreams, but for me it's more about being more focused on what kind of woman I want to become now that I know I won't be a mother. I owe Michelle Frost a HUGE thank you for her eloquent words in the comment section of one of my posts in this blog (for some reason I have a hard time trying to find that particular post to link here). In that post I was talking about leaving a legacy on earth and she said, "Amel, YOU are your own legacy." The words knocked me off my chair. I was wondering why on earth did I ever try to separate myself into different parts/roles because I was talking about leaving a legacy as a blogger. But in truth is that I am the sum of my parts and my legacy to the world should be the entirety of myself, the whole of me, everything that makes me who I am. Her words were like soothing balm to my soul at that time. THANK YOU for knocking me off my chair, M! :-D One's pain can truly blind one so much to one's full potentials.
Anyway, one thing I want to focus
on these days is being an encourager. A few years back a blogger friend of mine
told me that she said I excelled in encouraging her and her words stuck in my
head. Sure anyone can encourage anyone they meet, but I want to do it
with more awareness these days. I want to be more intentional in
becoming an encourager. Just finding this one task has made me more purposeful in life. Life is more exciting this way! :-D What other things do I want to focus on? I haven't figured them out yet, but I have time. :-) It's exciting to try to figure out what else I want to/can incorporate in my life. It's like a mini adventure. :-D
Other than that, our life continues just like before. I think I once wrote about how it feels like we're a couple of empty nesters because of the shift from wanting to have children/preparing to have children mentality to life with no children. The only difference is that we have no children. These days I no longer worry about making future plans that may clash with the possible pregnancy, so we're trying to live life to the fullest and enjoy life as a complete family of two.
Oh, and every now and then I try to educate people about infertility and its effects, but it doesn't come from a place of pain anymore. Meaning I share infertility links not because I need people to validate my pain (like what I did in the past when I was still hurting so much), but because I simply want to share awareness of the different shades of infertility. This is probably the biggest change compared to life pre-infertility. Infertility is now a part of my life and life has never been the same after that. These days I have an infertility survivor badge etched in my soul.
These days we're trying to save money for our old age, because we probably won't be able to rely on any relatives to take care of us if we ever live that long (considering the possibility of not being able to live on our own anymore), so ideally we should have some fund for our old age so that if we need to pay people to help us with something, we can still afford it. However, I also try not to think too much or plan too much because life is so full of surprises (but I still love saving money for rainy days LOL!). We would love to be able to pay off our house loan and also do some renovations in the future, but in the meantime I can say that life is good. It's beautiful. I'm content. And summer's coming. :-D
Found this video clip and thought I'd give it a try myself because it moved me so much.
Okay, here we go...deep breath... Dear Amel, You've come so far in your 35 years of living. You used to be a very shy and quiet girl with some dark, cynical, and pessimistic thoughts. You dragged around other people's faults like chains on your ankles, but you learnt to let go of them one by one when you realized that they were getting too heavy and they were threatening to drown you. I remember how your self-confidence grew tremendously during your university days and how rebellious you were at that time. You started getting to know yourself better during your university days and you started to learn how to be more positive, but the you at that time had no clue what life had to offer in the future. (chuckle) Even though you had always dreamed of either traveling abroad or living abroad, you weren't actively searching for a foreign spouse, but you found one anyway. And my goodness, I must say that you have chosen the right person despite the fact that you were only with the guy for two weeks in real life prior to deciding to marry him. I know you were scared stiff on the plane to Finland after getting your residence permit via the Finnish Embassy in Indonesia, but I applaud you because you managed to drown out all those voices and just focus on whatever may come. For the past (almost) seven years of living in Finland and for the past five years of infertility journey, I've seen how much more you've grown and I just wanna say, "WELL DONE, girl!" I especially take my hat off to you for having learnt how to let go of different things and dreams over and over and over and over again. I also love the fact that you don't stop struggling with God and you were totally honest with Him even though you were so angry at Him at some parts of your infertility journey. I know we couldn't have grown like this without the support of all the thoughtful and positive people around us, so we owe them a lifetime of thanks, but still your attitude counts and I enjoy being with you more and more as time goes by and you know what? I'm looking forward to spending more days with you. *wide grin* I respect you, my friend! Here's to us!
The other day a regular customer of mine asked me "the question". I've worked in the same place for a little over 3 years but that was the first time he asked me that question. It was because I had finished worked and I was walking to my bike stand, so he asked if I had time to chit-chat and I said yes (we had a short convo while I packed some stuff into my bike's bags). When I said no, he immediately asked, "Are you going to try to have kids?"
I said no.
He asked, "But why not? Don't you think kids are fun/great to have?" I vaguely answered, "Weeeeeellll..." I was debating inside on whether or not I should tell him that we couldn't have children, but thankfully he let it go and we parted ways soon after that and to be fair, he gave me a compliment about my work before ending our chit-chat, so I thanked him. Over the course of my IF journey, every now and then (esp. in the beginning) I felt this nagging question of "If you're not a mother/parent, what are you doing with your life?" There were times when I acutely felt the urge to find something "as grand/noble" to fill my life with, because if we really think about it, being able to be directly involved in the life of the future generation is really something. And because I'm not working in a place like that, that nagging question pops up every now and then, but so far I've countered them with these thoughts:
1. God wants me to be faithful with what He's entrusted me with no matter how "small" it may be, so I'm gonna focus on doing my best to take care of what I have (job, marriage, healthy friendships - don't need no toxic friends, thanks) every single day of my life. Someone once suggested to me about being foster parents or doing things involving other people's kids, but I don't feel called to do those things, so I'm not going to force myself to do it even if I have the opportunity. 2. "If you think you're too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito." - Dalai Lama
I believe in the ripple effect. I believe that many times in life we don't know what kind of difference we may have made because the ripple effect is so subtle and we may not even know about it at all in our lifetime or we may only find out about it much later in life. But that doesn't matter. What matters is still back to number #1: making the best of each aspect of my life. 3. When all else fails, I'll keep recharging myself with God's words: For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. - Psalm 139:13
Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. - 2 Cor 12:19
There's a theme that's been brewing in my head for weeks now and I'm trying to capture it in this post. In many people's lives, "the next level" is the way to go. Graduating from school, graduating from university, getting a job, getting a promotion, getting engaged, getting married, getting pregnant, having children, your children's graduation, your children's wedding day, becoming a grandparent and the list goes on. And it's only natural that many people who know you will celebrate your "next levels".
I think that's one of the many losses in this childless-not-by-choice path. At one point in time I felt stuck because it felt like I couldn't go on to the "next level" (in reproduction) that precludes so many "next levels" and celebrations of life. But you know what? I've survived infertility without children at the end of my road and it's a cause for celebration as well, so I'm going to celebrate it today. :-D
I'm celebrating my infertility scars because they're proof that I've learnt so many important lessons through my infertility journey and I bet that there will be many more important lessons in the future and I'm excited to learn anything else that life wants to throw my way. :-D
I'm celebrating my life and my path, because this is the only life that I have and this is the path that I've chosen and that I have no regrets.
I am celebrating my life because - no matter what - I do matter. :-D
The previous post about pain triggers reminded me of a conversation I once had with my ex-Junior High School classmate. We got to know each other better over time and then one day, long after we first met she confided to me that she used to be envious of the fact that I had my own bedroom. Mind you, I used to sleep in a bunk bed with my brother for years until I finally moved to a makeshift room at the other side of the house. Mom just put on a rail of curtains to separate it with the rest of the room. After my grandma died, I moved to her bedroom and that was when I got my own room that had an actual door (it was when I was in High School).
Anyway, back to the story...I was totally surprised when I heard her say that. I mean, I never boasted about the fact that I got my own bedroom, but for her at that time it must've been something pretty important and something she could only daydream about (FYI she had to share a room with a cousin for years). After all, it IS nice to be able to have your own space and be able to have your own privacy. And her words reminded me to be thankful about having my own bedroom and not to take it for granted.
So, even though sometimes we don't say anything that may spark someone else's pain trigger, somebody else may feel the pain just because it's something out of reach that they've daydreamed about. Sometimes when other people state their thankfulness over something, it may also spark our pain triggers when the thing that they're thankful for is something that we don't have (either yet or can't have).
I think it's just normal to feel that way, but when I try to think of this in a HUGE scale for every human being I meet online or offline, it feels like I start seeing landmines everywhere. There's NO WAY you'll be able to escape from inadvertently stepping on those landmines in your daily life, especially nowadays when it's easier to communicate with one another through the internet (read: share photos etc.) and there's no way you can avoid having your landmines stepped on, either. The only thing I want to do is recognize that place of pain and then embrace it, soothe it, love it, hug it until I feel better.
I realize that I also find those triggers in unexpected, random places. For example I was browsing through a friend's old album and then I saw a pic where she was holding her baby nephew. Below the pic, another friend commented, "Mother-to-be." Mind you, she wasn't preggy at that time nor was she actually TTC yet, but when I reread that comment today, I felt a little thump on my heart. The thump that whispered, "Ah, nobody'll ever say that to me." It wasn't that painful, but it was clear enough that it was one a small pain trigger 'coz it is connected to my broken dream.
To be honest, the first time we realized we were IFers, I think I must've thought IF was a kind of insolent uninvited stranger barging into our life. After a while, I started to think of it as my enemy. An enemy who tried to ransack my relationships with other people as well as hubby and then mockingly laughed at our wrecked state. I battled it with all my might, trying my best not to lose (my sanity, control over my emotions, etc.). But alas, it was WAY too strong for me. I wept buckets, bled inside, and cursed it, but after a while I surrendered and that was when I started healing. And I think after I started recognizing it as a kind of guru instead of an enemy, I've been walking further along this path of healing even more as time goes by (it's like I'm experiencing a different shift in this path of healing).
Anyway, let me end this post with some more quotes.
Lord, help us to accept the pains and conflicts that come to us each day as opportunities to grow as people and become more like you. - Mother Teresa, A Gift for God
Adversity introduces one to oneself. - Unknown "I walked a mile with Pleasure She chattered all the way; But left me none the wiser For all she had to say.
I walked a mile with Sorrow And ne'er a word said she; But oh, the things I learned from her When Sorrow walked with me."
I met a friend yesterday and we talked about life issues and health problems in general. She proceeded to tell me that she believed in the power of "visualisation". She didn't really call it like that, but I think it described it well enough. She said she had been wanting something for a while and then she kept on visualising it in her mind and then one day she just happened to find it and she could finally get it.
When she was describing that, I "bristled" inside. It's weird, I know, but it can only mean that there's some healing that needs to be done within myself. After all, this is what defensiveness is:
"Defensiveness, ultimately, is not about protecting ourselves from other
people. People get defensive because they don’t want to experience
uncomfortable feelings within themselves. Getting defensive will
temporarily block the feelings that they don’t want to experience. The
prescription for dealing with your own defensiveness is to let yourself
experience those feelings, as uncomfortable as they may be."
You see, in the past after we found out we were infertiles, someone sort of insinuated that I should keep on visualising having the baby in my arms or something like that. I knew that person meant well, but now thinking back, I felt "blamed" for that and back then the conversation switched to other topics so I never got the chance to "defend myself". I realize now that I still have to deal with this "excess feelings" that've been haunting me every now and then.
Back then I think I was shocked into silence 'coz the person's belief made me feel like I "couldn't win either way". What slipped through my mind back then was that if I didn't end up with a baby, it was 'coz I hadn't visualised it enough and if I had ended up with a baby, that was 'coz the visualisation worked! Again I'm aware that she didn't mean it that way, but that was what I felt.
And here's what I had wanted to tell that person: "You know, I had already bought some pairs of loose pants in preparation for my bigger belly when I came back to Indo in the middle of those first year of TTC. Heck, I even bought a pair of bigger boots in preparation for that 'coz some people had told me that their shoe size had gone up during pregnancy. I had even bought a pregnancy and a few parenting books and I had even bought some used baby clothes - some of which I gave to my brother 'coz I bought them in a bulk. If you don't call that enough visualisation for the future, what do you call it then?"
I know it may be silly to write it all down here, but I feel that I want to leave these feelings here in the blogosphere so that I can move on in my healing process. Another blogger friend who's an IFer herself had recently reminded me of the layered healing process of this journey and I should just deal with it one at a time.
And yes, as you can probably guess by the tone of this post, I'm still PMSing he he he...Mind you, I do believe in the power of positive thinking and visualisation technique, but I don't believe that "we always get what we want or strive for or visualise". But that's okay, because in turns we get to learn many more things about ourselves and we get to fight our own demons in ways that victories couldn't give us.
After all, if you had asked me when I was young if I thought I'd be living here right now and I'd be doing the kind of job that I've been doing for the past 3 years and that I'd be a Finnish citizen by now and that we'd be mostly OK with living without children, I probably wouldn't know if I should believe it or not. And if you had asked me when I was young that I would work as a book translator, I wouldn't have believed it either 'coz it wasn't the kind of job that I had planned for (my visualisation at that time was working for a garment factory and then being sent abroad as a marketing manager to deal with the clients). The translating job just sort of "clicked into place" and I did enjoy it at that time.
Sure, there are some other aspects of my life that I had visualised when I was young that have started coming true, but there are many more details and twists and turns aren't the same as what I had "visualised". And the baby dream was one thing that I have crossed out in my dream/visualisation list. The bottom line is I LOVE this life, I'm THANKFUL for this life and I intend to make the best of it. Here's to healing, one layer at a time!!!
You know, whenever I read posts that debate the kind of views that state that non-parents aren't as busy as parents, I cringe inside. Because of my personality and my choice of a "simple life" (at least that's how I call it), I have limited variables that can complicate my life.
I have a part-time job and even though I was asked if I wanted to have more working hours, I chose not to. It'd be a whole different case if we needed money desperately or if it was a different kind of job, but one of the reasons I chose not to have more working hours was that I did that one time and it backfired on me. I'm an introvert at heart and working in a job where I have to serve people (meet lots of people) means that I need plenty of recharging time = alone time. Whenever I feel "tired" of being with people, I tend to just hide in our house and avoid meeting people as best as I can. Having a part-time job means that I have plenty of spare time to do whatever I want to do at home.
Speaking of variables in life, though...my job is the kind of job that doesn't really leave too much "homework", so basically I don't have to be carrying around any mental burdens whenever my shift is over. Other than that, I get along well with my MIL as well as my BILs and SILs. I only have one younger brother and he doesn't give me a headache, either (never had). My dad and FIL have passed away and my mom still lives with my brother and wife, so I don't have to worry about her being on her own. My nephews live far away from us and two of them are already almost grown-ups and we have no pets.
I don't have too many IRL friends, but I do enjoy meeting them every now and then and they're not the type of friends that say bad things about me, so again I don't have to worry about meeting them (esp. since they're done with procreating). So if I look at my life and if anyone comments that he or she envies my "less busier life", then I won't be able to debate it and I'll say that it may be true. But then again this is how I choose my life to be.
I get along pretty well with my coworkers, though I can't say that they're my friends, but I know that they've accepted me as one of the team members despite the fact that I'm a foreigner (I'm SO grateful for this). However, my coworkers are mostly younger than me and we don't really poke into one another's business, so we don't talk about babies and stuff like that.
Next door neighbours? Well, we do say hi to one another whenever we meet, but the interaction never goes beyond that, so we never have any problems with them.
I think whenever people perceive that someone else's life is "less busier" than theirs, it's because they don't know all the other variables in that other person's life. What they see is but a glimpse of an illusion - which may or may not be true. The more variables in life that you have (having to care for a sick, aging parent on top of a bankruptcy and your own health issues for example or even a fight with a friend and problems with neighbour/coworker/brother/sister), the "busier" your life can be if those variables aren't in "good shape". But then again I believe that attitude and personality come into play as well. Something that may be difficult to handle for A may be easy/easier for B. Something that may be difficult may be less "bitter" if you see it from another perspective.*
* I'm NOT trying to belittle life's problems or grief or whatever it is that life may bring and I'm all into embracing whatever you're feeling and then working through them and I'm not trying to say that one should be positive all the time, but just saying that I believe attitude does matter.
I remember when I was translating novels for a publisher, a friend of mine who graduated from the same faculty told me that for her, working like that would be like a torture and that no matter how much someone was willing to pay her to do translating jobs, she would never accept it. I laughed when I read her words, because in my mind, she wasn't mocking my job, but she was stressing on my strength. That I was patient enough to be doing something that she thought would be one of the most boring things on earth.
Anyway, I'm rambling here...I was seriously debating on writing this post or not, but I just couldn't get the itch away LOL!!!
After reading this post and Mali's comment, I began to think of my own experiences.
Here is what Mali wrote:
"Yes – I find that some pregnancies hurt, and some don’t bother me at
all. And it’s not always the way I expect it – pregnancy announcements I
thought would be painful were not, and those I thought I’d breeze
through hit hard, and yes, hurt."
I can totally relate to that, because in the past there were some announcements*** that didn't really affect me much, but there were some that unexpectedly just made me "double over in pain". I wondered what made me do that, because I was happy for the one(s) who shared the good news.
Additional note: I think the announcements may not just be limited to pregnancy announcements, but also milestones (a child's graduation, a child's wedding day, a friend's announcing that he/she's gonna be a grandparent, etc.) - but whatever the announcement is, it's the celebration of life.
In the beginning when we were still TTC I felt totally jealous/envious because I still wished I could have my own babies, but nowadays (when we're no longer expecting children in our future) it's more like their "life" news (the news about the new life that will be brought to earth) reminds me of "death". The death of our dream. Some "life" news stories hit hard because all of a sudden I can see the remnants of our dead dream right in front of me and that's not something I wish to see, but I can't deny what I see on those occasions and so I have to deal with the loss all over again (letting it go once more) so that I can continue to move on with my life (not just stopping/standing on the spot while staring at those remnants).
It's probably the opposite of some news of death that reminds us how precious our life is. Some news of death can be so staggering and jarring that they just stop us in our track to remind us of the most important things on earth. Some news of death reminds us of the fragility of life so much so that it may even shift/change our perspective and goals.
Now I begin to understand more why "total healing" is impossible for someone like me because of the life/death situation I mentioned here (just like it's impossible to "avoid" news of death), but then again if learning to let go over and over again will help me get even better in that area (read: making it easier for me to let go of things I can't change/get in the future), then so be it!
Additional note (added on Sat, March 16-03-2013): I just want anyone who read this post to know that I did NOT write this post from a place of pain. It was my effort in trying to think logically as to why some pain may still appear in the future despite the fact that we've given up on kids. I want to be realistic. I want to figure out what I felt and why I felt a certain way and what has changed in the way I think/feel about things.
There has been A LOT of healing in my world after infertility and as what Mali and Wolfers said below in the comment section, the pain is MUCH less than before as time goes by (and as I learn more and more to let go over and over and over again - I think even if so much time passes by, if we don't learn to let go over and over again, it still won't bring more and more healing) and nowadays I experience less tumultuous/chaotic whirlwind of emotions compared to what I had experience in the past when I was still harboring some hope of becoming pregnant.
January was a tough month. Amongst the happy baby birth/pregnancy announcements, there were two deaths as well as plenty of health concerns. My heart felt heavy, esp. with worry 'coz my friends' health concerns aren't confirmed yet. Waiting for the proper diagnoses isn't fun at all.
An ex-school friend had a sudden attack of asthma that took her life. She was going to get married this month. Can't imagine how the groom-to-be must be feeling (her parents had died years back). :-(
A cousin's hubby died of a heart attack. They got married the same year we did.
Facebook has also bombarded me with lots of invitations to join this and that cause. Sometimes life feels SO darn simple, yet sometimes it feels WAY too complicated and heavy. One of the things I do to "escape" from all the heavy stuff is reading Japanese manga or looking at cute animal pics.***
I'm glad January has ended. Currently I'm enjoying reading this manga based on a real life thread. This kind of manga gives me hope in mankind and it's also very funny. :-D Besides, this manga reminds me of our long distance relationship, so I cried and laughed along with the character. Ahhh...love reading stories like this! :-D
*** Reading manga or looking at cute animal pics isn't without its own risks. Some days it's tough to see a "typical happy ending with babies involved" and some days it's tough to read the captions on animal pics that focus on "motherhood/parenthood". Other days, though, I'm fine with them. :-)
In the past I never really thought about that overused quote. I guess mostly I thought it was an OK quote. After IF I started seeing the world through different glasses and I was laughing so much when I found this online. Whoever created this card clearly knew what he/she was talking about LOLLLLL!!!!
I suppose what people really mean by saying "everything happens for a reason" is that everything happens for a "good" reason. I think when it comes to facing troubles or tragedies, it's a good trait of mankind to be able to find anything good coming out of any tragedies/troubles because we do need to carry on our lives after a tragedy and we do need to hold on to "something good" amongst the darkness that is threatening to suck the life out of us.
However, I don't agree that everything happens for a "good" reason. Things MAY happen for a reason, but the reason may be related to people's stupidity (for example drunk driving), people's bad choices (doing something rashly), and many other "not-so-flattering" reasons.
Then I started thinking about September 11th. I have heard stories about how some employees who worked in the Twin Towers had had a flat tyre or something else that prevented them from going to work that day and those incidents saved their lives. In that way people'd say "Oh, the flat tyre happened for a (good) reason." And yes, I do agree with that. But if you think about it, why did it happen to that particular person? Why not another one? Why does someone in particular get kidnapped and tortured to death? Why does someone in particular happen to be at the wrong time, at the wrong place? I don't believe that it all happens for "a good reason". Some things happen because of the evil in mankind.
It's a whole different thing if the person who suffers/grieves believes that everything happens for a good reason, though. I will never debate a sufferer who believes in that, 'coz it may just be his/her lifeline that carries them through whatever tragedy/tragedies in their lives.
The other day somebody commented, "You two look happy."
I smiled and said, "Thank you."
Then she asked, "Are you having a baby? You look like you've gained weight lately."
I chuckled and said, "No, no, no baby. I look bigger also because I'm wearing my back warmer." (lifting up my jacket to show it)
FYI: It's true that I've gained some weight ever since I started working 2 years ago.
Then she said again, "But I meant what I said. You two DO look happy."
We just smiled and said nothing in return and the topic quickly changed.
Mind you, I have nothing against her because I know that she isn't being nosy. She genuinely would love to see our child. At one point in time in the beginning of our TTC journey she had said in a very excited tone of voice that she would even knit something for our child. And no, the person isn't my MIL. She knows better not to ask such a thing from us. However, she's not that close, either, so we're not divulging more details. I must admit it felt a bitironicwhen we had just finished the conversation. Ironic because it crossed her mind that the thing that made us look happy was probably related to pregnancy. What I decided to do, though, after the short conversation was to bask in her words on our happiness as a couple instead on dwelling too much on the irony. :-)
Life isn't perfect and each of us has our own scars and problems to deal with, but we just have to make the best of it.
Dunno why but lately I've heard a voice in myself saying to me lots of times, "It's just life." It applies to this IF journey as well as other situations in life. Even if I'm not a mother in the end, so what? That doesn't mean I'm nothing. God loves me just the way I am. He knows the number of hair on my head and He was the one who knit me inside my mom's womb.
Speaking of God, I've also had some thoughts. When things go wrong and God "doesn't seem to listen" even though we've given it our all, it may be because He wants us to surrender fully to Him instead of depending on our own power/ability/efforts.
In today's world where this motto is really loud: "You can do everything if you just do it and work hard for it", maybe God wants to tell me through infertility that: "You CAN achieve many things through ME, not through your own strengths or ability or efforts."
However, I'm not expecting God's miracle anymore in terms of infertility. It doesn't really matter anymore. He's created MANY more wonderful miracles on earth that I can enjoy and I can share with others these beauties through photos and videos.
I took some pics today while riding my bike from work to my place. It was -21'C and the sky was so lovely that I had to take pics with my mobile (thank GOD for technology!!!)
First pic: look at the ends of my hair! I had ridden my bike for around 10 minutes, though I had stopped a few times before I took this pic in order to take some sky pics.
The other night I had another talk with hubby, just to make sure we were on the same page in our infertility journey. I asked him if he still wanted kids and he said yes. Then I asked if he had ever thought about adoption and he also said yes. I then explained to him a little bit about adoption articles I've read.
Even though it was such a late night conversation, he paid total attention to me. I knew he was tired already and that he had to get up early to work the next day (whereas I didn't have to get up early 'coz I didn't have any work shift the next day), but I felt that he wanted to make sure I was OK. He gave me his full attentionand more...he also kept on kissing me, holding me tightly in between our talks...and telling me that he loved me.
I also asked what he felt if we would never have any kids - whether our own or adopted ones. He said it was fine for him, then he asked me what would I feel about that possibility. I said that I had to accept it no matter what, 'coz life with him has beenINCREDIBLE anyway.
Feels nice to know we're on the same page...the conversation continued to other fun topics and we were laughing for a while before we finally stopped talking in order to go to sleep.
The conversation also made me feel more strongly what I'd always felt even before we met in real life. I knew he was the one for me no matter how ridiculous it might sound for others 'coz we had no proof of that. Now that we've been together for almost 4 years, I know that for a fact and especially after we started our infertility journey, that fact becomes clearer and clearer like the sun shining in a cloudless sky.
Living for the rest of my life with hubby only is a beautiful prospect, though that doesn't mean I have stopped hoping to have our own babies, but I don't want to focus too much on that. I just want to focus more on the present...on cherishing my time with hubby...'coz we'll never know when death comes to pick us up and I don't want to miss a thing...Love you, bunny...
P.S. To read on why adoption isn't really preferable for us, click here: Why Not Adopt?
