OK, so the close friend who had a baby about two months ago has been sharing updates about the baby's growth progress and I must say that even though there are some things I can't relate to, there's still a benefit coming out of my ignorance. For instance, when she shares things about what the baby can do, I can rejoice fully with her because I have no idea what babies can do at different stage of their developments. No comparing with any other babies/kids. I find this to be comforting and encouraging he he he...
The other day we received her baby card and I must say that it was tough to open it. She printed out plenty of photos (the baby's very expressive and cute) along with a poem and then taped them onto the long homemade card (all four pages filled with photos/text). It was hard because I couldn't help thinking what I would have done if I was the one who had the baby - what kind of baby card I could have designed, the kind of text I'd be choosing for the card (or perhaps the kind of poem I'd have written for the card) etc. And a line in the poem made me feel some pain: "We don't remember life before." A gentle ouch forced me to close the card.
I only glanced at the card very quickly because my grief was in the way of my being able to enjoy her card. However, I was then reminded of the verse: "love others as you love yourself".
OK, so time to give myself some love...
I started thinking that if it were my own baby card, what kind of card would it be? So I did allow myself to daydream a little. Because I'm a practical person, I imagined I would have ordered the cards through an online printer so that I wouldn't have to do anything else other than just send them. But I'd surely have taken a lot of time thinking about the text. And I imagined how happy I would have been to send the cards to my friends and family and I imagined them smiling when they opened it (OK, I know this is oversimplifying the matter, but it's called the best-case scenario in a daydream).
Because I wouldn't have known whether the baby would have been born in which season and whether the baby would have been a boy or a girl, I felt some glee in daydreaming about all the different choices of theme I could have chosen for my baby card. Daydreaming was fun, because I could easily change things without having to pay a dime he he he...:-)
That made it easier. I picked up her card again and this time I could really focus on what she'd created: all the photos she's carefully picked, etc. :-) I'm gonna try this trick again for next time. :-)
glitter-graphics.com
This is the long overdue post that I was planning to write, but I've been so busy lately and I've been under the weather that I just haven't had the strength to focus on it. Viruses have been spreading in this village and three coworkers have been getting sick one at a time, which meant that the rest of us were working full steam. Working full steam is OK when you're 100% healthy, but when you have some health problems yourself, it can be really challenging, but I've survived so far. Phew!
Anyway, first of all I want to say THANK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU for Wolfers who's shared this award with me. :-D
*A Sunshine Award is given to bloggers whose posts brighten your day. The rules are:
1. Include the Sunshine Award icon in your post.
2. Link to the person who nominated you.
3. Answer 10 questions about yourself.
4. Nominate 10 bloggers to receive the award.
5. Link your nominees and let them know they've been nominated.
OK, now let me answer Wolfers' questions he he...
1. Chocolate or Vanilla?
Chocolate, but I love the combination of both, as well. :-D
2. What is one thing you would rid of, from the world?
Greed.
3. What is in your bucket list for the next year?
Ummm...going back to Indo, going on a winter holiday vacation, and meeting some ladies from the Gateway Women community (it doesn't have to be next year, though, but I do plan to meet them somewhere - either in the UK or wherever).
4. Where do you feel the most comfortable (outside of your home)?
When I'm surrounded by nature and nobody else is with me...sometimes it means in our own back yard ha ha...
5. Movies, originated from books (i.e. The Help), or books, originated from movies (i.e. Cowboys and Aliens)?
I think I prefer movies originated from books. For fantasy or sci-fi especially, I like watching the movies compared to reading the books.
6. If you could live anywhere (no limits), where would that be?
I enjoy living here to be honest and for the moment I can't think of anywhere else I'd like to live.
7. If you win the lottery ($64 millions), what would be the three first items you would acquire, (or get done)?
Pay off our debts (like our house loan), send plane tickets for my Indo family to come and visit ASAP hi hi...and tithe 10%. The fourth one will be to find out ways to invest a big chunk of the money and the fifth is to travellllllll to Japan without worrying about the cost (I have several friends living in 3 different places there that I'd like to visit)!!!! :-D
8. What is one of your rants, that put you on the soapbox?
Hmmm...this is tough...if I've thought about it, I've ranted a few times in FB as well as in my other blog about how nosy Indo people are and that each of us should think first before we speak. In Indo it's common to hear people say "When are you gonna get married? When are you gonna have a child? When are you gonna give your firstborn a sibling? You've got two boys (or girls), don't you want another one of a different gender? Oh, you've gained weight!" Major doh!!!
9. If you had one chance to a time machine that can only go ten years ago (2003), what would you do?
Probably I just wanna take a look at myself and my family...especially my dad 'coz he's no longer with us. :-D I'll probably be surprised at how young he looked! :-D
10. Done any jokes lately? Spill!
Not really, but my tongue slipped the other day when I was trying to tell someone how much he had to pay for his grocery. I tried again and failed again and he was laughing so much...he probably thought it was so funny HI HI HI HI HI...and his facial expression and laughter were so contagious that I couldn't help laughing along (he was still laughing while walking away from me) HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...
*Of course, it's all optional. The
main rule is no guilt! We all have some intense things going on, so
I'll understand if you don't have time right now, or if you pick just a
few favorite questions to answer. If you do participate, please post a
comment that links to your answers and nominees, so that others can go
check them out.
OK, it's not that I don't want to share my award with anyone, but those people have been awarded by Wolfers he he he he...so I'm not gonna do it because if I do so, then they have to answer more questions HA HA HA HA HA HA...
Anyway, let me continue the "bristling inside" topic. You see, the other day my close friend who's entering her third trimester wrote a question in FB about corporal punishment and how other parents thought about that. Many people chimed in to discuss the matter and I was bristling inside. This was what I probably looked like if I had been a cat:
Anyway, I jolted when I realized what I felt and I dug deep to find the reason. The reason was that her post took me back to the past, when we started TTC (or even a little bit before then - I was notorious for planning way ahead of time), when I asked my blogger friends who were parents on the tough aspects of parenting because I thought I could get more glimpses of what parenting was like from them - to help me prepare myself mentally for the time when I'd become a mother. I was bristling inside because I was reminded of how naive I was back then. I felt silly for having asked such things even before I could get pregnant. I felt silly for believing that pregnancy could happen so soon (or so easily). I was also reminded of my losses again - that as much as I wanted to participate in the conversation, I can't do it because we don't have children and we won't have any.
But you know what? What's done is done and I'm gonna embrace the naive me today and tell her that it's okay. That I'm okay. That being naive is normal and that I couldn't have known any better because I couldn't have predicted the future. That my losses have enabled me to meet so many wonderful ladies out there that I wouldn't have met otherwise and that they've inspired me and touched my life in so many ways. That my losses have enabled me to learn to love myself in ways that I couldn't have possibly done otherwise. So, despite all the losses I've experienced, I've also gained so much more...and for that, I'm thankful. :-)
glitter-graphics.com
During my IF journey, especially during the toughest and darkest moments, IF has taught me a lot about self-control. It isn't always easy to watch my words and my tone whenever someone asks me about whether or not we have kids and then they go on to either joke about it or say the "wrong" words. It wasn't always easy to watch my words and my tone to my spouse when I felt "wronged" by other people.
It wasn't easy either not to lash out to my spouse or my friends or strangers just because I was warring so much inside and I was hating myself because of all the churning emotions I felt inside. It wasn't easy not to rely on my spouse because he was also grieving - but at the same time I wanted him to know my feelings to a certain degree, but I didn't want to overwhelm him by making him feel helpless when he was also struggling with his own grief. Most of all, I didn't want infertility to separate us. I wanted to let us grieve in our own ways, but I wanted us to also let each other know where we stood in our IF journey and I wanted us to be able walk hand-in-hand and heart-to-heart in making decisions during our IF journey.
A few times in the beginning of my IF journey, I had to take time to fume and let it all out (in my head) before responding to some online messages that stung me to the core. It took a long time to "cool down" and it took lots and lots of repetition of "They don't really mean to hurt you, they just don't know what to say" before I could finally regain most of my self-control. The more time passes since our decision to let go of having children, the more it helps, but there are tender moments every now and then. That's for sure, but at least it's getting less and less "problematic" for my inner self, because I've learnt to love myself again during the process...
IF has taught me a lot of precious lessons of life, so for that, I'm bowing in respect.
