Yesterday I heard another pregnancy news (this time it was an unplanned pregnancy). I was fine when it happened, but then after a while I started feeling my old enemy knocking on my front door again.
My enemy is called self-pity. I don't mind inviting grief and sorrow inside because then we can have a good cry, comfort and hold one another and the end result is always positive (a glad heart) even though my problem may not be solved. It is always cathartic to have a proper cry when you're grieving. However, self-pity isn't a good guest to invite in, because it always threatens to wreck my entire household. And in the end it'll also ruin the entire neighbourhood and universe. My universe.
So I was doing exercises again today (Body Combat in youtube) and while I was kicking the air, I imagined myself kicking my enemy's ass while shouting out, "Take that!!! Get THE HELL away from me!!! FAR FAR away from me!!! You're NOT invited!"
I felt more powered up during these exercises. And of course I felt better after getting a dose of endorphins again. :-)
I just realized that when people don't know what to say, sometimes they say things that are silly or downright stupid, even though they don't mean it just because they are at a loss on what to do. And more often than not, when the person hearing it is hurting, those tender wounds can make him/her take the words too seriously. From this, I learn that sometimes when I don't know what to say when someone tells me about his/her problem, the best things I can say is either "I'm sorry to hear that, I'll remember you in my prayers" or "What kind of support do you want me to give you?".
The latter was actually something that a close friend said to me when I was sharing my IF journey with my close friends in a group email and I'm THANKFUL for that. That's one of the best things that someone could have said to me in this IF journey.
glitter-graphics.com
I don't know if it's because we've been busy with packing and moving things to the new house or if it's also because we've decided not to pursue any tests or medical treatments, but I've been feeling like a HUGE burden is off my chest. This week I've been exchanging emails with my friend who had a miracle pregnancy (she has PCOS, been TTC for 3 years, had a miscarriage once, didn't get any period for 5 months, then realized she was 6 weeks pregnant - now she's probably around 12 or 13 weeks pregnant) - this news caused my meltdown at that time. However, I realized that now I can be truly happy for her without feeling self-pity, without asking God, "Why? When? Where did we go wrong?"
I can handle disappointments and grief, but I hate self-pity and bitterness 'coz I always have warring voices in my head whenever both feelings show their ugly heads and it's really tiring. It's hard to distract myself from those warring voices, so we'll see how long this peaceful state can last. Right now I'm really enjoying myself and our sex life, too. HURRAAAHHHH for that he he he...
