I forgot to mention here that a few
months ago I finally got rid of the English pregnancy and parenting
books I bought second-hand from online shops years ago when we first
started TTC. I'd started reading one of them during TTC, but the other
three were parenting books, so I hadn't really started reading them yet
and they'd been gathering dust in my book shelf, so off they went to
this "exchange book corner" in our local library. Btw, I felt nothing when I left the books there.
In
the past there was no such a thing, but these days they've put this
"exchange book corner" in which people can grab any book(s) they want
with the hope that they'll trade them with other book(s) that they own.
The empty space has been put to good use as I've been piling up new
books that I haven't read yet (chuckle). I'm a bad reader. I tend to
switch from one book to another and who knows when I'll finish reading
them all LOL!!! Some of them are unread, though. I LOVE collecting books
even though that means I may not read them yet LOL!!!
I'm
still PMSing and still feeling a bit conflicted inside every now and
then (esp. when I read news about my friend's morning sickness issues
and the other mommy friends got to share their own morning sickness
experiences - felt like being left out when a group of friends were playing together). Just now I received an email with the title "27 weeks" and
I felt a jolt inside. I thought, "Another pregnant woman?" Turned out
that no, it wasn't the case. It was a false alarm. Phew!
Yep.
The green eyed-monster of jealousy has arisen, though thankfully it's
not blinding me. It's just a tiny little monster, but I know it's out
there. One thing I tried to do the other day is to turn each jealous
thought into a ball and then I (the superhero in my imagination) got to
kick the ball into outer space, where it was swallowed by this giant
black hole (I had to do this whenever the ball came out to play). Is this helping? I think so. :-)
Another thing that helped was exercising and doing punching and kicking movements with all my might (release all the negative energy, Amel!!!)...and feeling the lovely endorphins afterwards. :-) And yes, I looked like this fellow below when I was doing the exercise:
Let's just see how well I fare in this friend's pregnancy journey (and maybe in the future other close friends' pregnancies) where I get to read a lot of details and where I get to see lots of pics. I'll take it one day at a time. May God help me!!!
P.S. I know I'll feel better when my PMS is over. :-) In the meantime, though, I'll continue the imaginary battle and exercise regime.
glitter-graphics.com
Yesterday I heard another pregnancy news (this time it was an unplanned pregnancy). I was fine when it happened, but then after a while I started feeling my old enemy knocking on my front door again.
My enemy is called self-pity. I don't mind inviting grief and sorrow inside because then we can have a good cry, comfort and hold one another and the end result is always positive (a glad heart) even though my problem may not be solved. It is always cathartic to have a proper cry when you're grieving. However, self-pity isn't a good guest to invite in, because it always threatens to wreck my entire household. And in the end it'll also ruin the entire neighbourhood and universe. My universe.
So I was doing exercises again today (Body Combat in youtube) and while I was kicking the air, I imagined myself kicking my enemy's ass while shouting out, "Take that!!! Get THE HELL away from me!!! FAR FAR away from me!!! You're NOT invited!"
I felt more powered up during these exercises. And of course I felt better after getting a dose of endorphins again. :-)
Yesterday when I heard about SIL's pregnancy, I knew I was starting to go down the melancholy road again, especially because two days ago was the induction day of a friend and another one has started dilating yesterday. Talk about baby boom: another friend of mine is going to give birth in a few weeks'. So to balance out the melancholy mood that was threatening to engulf me in darkness bit by bit, I decided to exercise.
Right after exercise we went to sauna and sure enough, my mood had lightened up so much after that, though while hubby was making funny jokes in sauna, this slipped through my mind, "Oh, what a shame it is not to have an opportunity to see a young hubby with that quirky sense of humour!" However, it was a fleeting thought and I refused to dwell on it too long.
Before going to bed, I noticed that in FB another friend has just posted her latest pic with a preggy belly. I was a bit surprised - not because I didn't expect that, but because I did the math. You see, we met last year in spring and at that time I knew she hadn't tried having a baby yet, though she was going to do that 'coz she had been talking about babies with her spouse. In the picture she must be at least 4 months already 'coz I can already see the belly clearly. What I mostly feel was/is amazement that some people can just "get pregnant" easily (or seemingly easily - I know that's not the case in the other three people's pregnancies that I mentioned above besides SIL's).
I know it sounds silly to be amazed at something like this, but I just can't get over it because over the past years nothing has happened to us. Nothing. Zero. Zilch. But this amazement is more like the feeling you get when you see someone do an amazing magic trick and then you ask, "How on earth can someone do such a thing?" Something like that. So no more anger towards God.
Anyway, right now I'm feeling just fine, though I'm not particularly over-the-top happy over their pregnancies, but not too melancholic at least. I'm sure in time I'll be happier for them esp. when the babies come, but right now I'm not in that place yet. Well, at least I'm not envying them for their pregnancies so that's a step forward. :-) One thing I feel right now, though, is a feeling that this year's gonna be filled with more baby/pregnancy announcement 'coz another friend is TTC, so it's only a matter of time that she'll be preggy, too.
Note to self: I think at this phase, it's easier for me to accept at the most two pregnancy/baby announcement at a time (esp. if it's a close friend's) in terms of being over-the-top happy for someone else's pregnancy. Being bombarded by many different pregnancy/baby announcements in a short period of time is still a bit too much, though unlike in the past, it doesn't threaten to drown me in complete doomsday prophecy, but it does make me melancholic.
P.S. Hey, at least the workout strategy does work to elevate my mood! Next time I feel melancholy at bay again, I should try it again! :-D Bring on the endorphins!!!! :-D
