I wrote this the other day in Gateway Woman Google+ community and it's about time I posted it here for my own personal record.
"Last night the pregnant close friend finally disclosed the gender of the baby. It's a girl, she said.
And
then the clash between two worlds started again (I could almost see the
two worlds coming closer and closer together, threatening to overlap
each other). Then I remembered my word of the year: Disentangle.
The
thoughts that came to my brain were: "If only...this could've been my
experience...if it had happened to me, my MIL would have been ecstatic
(she only has 2 grandsons and three sons, no daughters or
grand-daughters and when we were trying she jokingly said she was hoping
for a grand-daughter)..."
But then I remembered my word of the
year and I had this superhero vision in my head. I was standing tall
(pun intended 'coz I'm only 145 cm) in between those two worlds: her
experience (her feelings, her happiness, her reality) versus my
"could-have-been" (my feelings, my grief, my reality) and I imagined a
blast of energy coming out of my palms, separating the two worlds.
Funnily
enough, it worked. I could respond to her emails normally, without any emotional burdens. I may not be able to be a superhero in real life,
but I can have super powers in my own mind LOL!!!
OK, I must admit it helps that I'm
not having my PMS, but just wanna share that the visualisation was so
strong that I was amazed at its benefit on my psyche. :-D
P.S. Because blue is my fave colour, naturally I had blue energy shield coming out of my palms LOL!"
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I must write down some notes here to make sure nobody misunderstands this post above.
First of all, disentangling doesn't mean that I deny whatever it is I'm feeling. It doesn't mean the refusal to deal with my feelings. On the contrary, it helps me be there for my friend without having my own losses and/or grief dampening the cause of her happiness. After being there for her, I can then deal with my own feelings in my own space of choice: either here in my blog or in GW community, which has been such a beloved community for me.
Secondly, I felt such a HIGH for a few hours after writing that post in the GW community. Seriously, when I went to work after writing that post, I felt like walking in the air. I felt so light and I felt like jumping up and down in joy and I felt a rush of energy in my entire body. :-D So I'm writing this down here because I want to know how useful this technique is for the future.
My period cycle ranges between 31-43
days, averaging 35 days. In the beginning of time (2010) after we sort
of decided to live life without kids (though not really 100% sure yet),
whenever I got closer to my period, I would have those warring thoughts
again, "Oh, maybe I'll get pregnant this month. Maybe my period won't
come. Maybe I'll get to feel a child growing inside me. Hmmm...I wonder how he'll look like...then next year we'll have to stop travelling until the child is big enough etc. etc. etc."
I
remember one time my period was 2 days late (so 45 days) and I started
daydreaming again about our possible child etc. etc. etc. and as usual
another part of me scolded me, "Are you CRAZY?!?!?!?! Do you wanna go through
it all over again? The disappointment? The grief? STOP IT, stupid
brain!!! (add some expletives here)"
And you know what? A couple of times I even had these thoughts when I wasn't even sure that we made love on my fertile days (because I'd stopped counting). Then started the war all over again. The "But imagine how your child could look like and how happy your parents and in-laws are gonna be etc. etc. etc." versus "Are you delusional? You don't even know if you made love on your fertile days, how is it possible to get pregnant?" Crazy, I know. No wonder some people may consider me obsessed he he...
However,
I've noticed a shift since more or less last year (as far as I remember). Last year I had a
scare. Again my period was 2 days later than normal and I was actually
scared of getting pregnant. I had been focusing on this thought "we're a
complete family just the two of us" that I really wished my period
would come. And I was sighing in relief when my period finally came.
Have you ever had these types of warring thoughts, too?
PMS mode here. Just read a post about a blogger friend's friend's demise and she wrote such a beautiful post on her that just made me ache inside. Life isn't as simple as ABC. There are so many people facing their own challenges or "crosses to bear" all around me and those challenges are made even more vivid whenever I get to hear some more details about them.
Lately I've been having lots of conversations related to children or actually pregnancies and babies with some friends.* One is pregnant and another one has started feeling the longing for motherhood. I was really happy when I heard about the pregnancy, but about half an hour afterwards the storm started within. I suddenly felt mellow and sad. I was uneasy 'coz I didn't know why I felt so sad (a different kind of sadness than what I experienced in the past). It wasn't that I started longing to have children again, mind you. Not that.
I actually just realized (while writing this post) that the news and the talk about pregnancy and the other friend's future TTC plan transported me face-to-face with my "dead/buried dreams". As if I were suddenly standing right in front of those rows and rows of buried dreams and I couldn't help shedding a few tears (literally just a few tears, not sobbing like crazy). I was again reminded of how many dead dreams that I had to let go of and I suppose the sight of it all kinda overwhelmed me: seeing not just the buried dream of achieving pregnancy, but also the opportunity to feel the morning sickness, to feel the baby kicking inside of me, to talk about hubby about the details of the baby room, to share the news with my friends and family, to hear their shrieks of delight upon hearing the news, to share preggy photos and USG photos, to give birth, to share baby photos, etc. etc. etc. And the list kept going on.
* Note: This is the kind of talk I want to be involved in 'coz I do care about them with all my heart. And I know they care about me with all that they've got as well.
And on another level, again I couldn't help but think how "easy" it seemed for some people to get preggy. The latest pregnancy news reminded me of my SIL's pregnancy. When I first found out about her second pregnancy, she told me that it was a surprise 'coz she said that "they weren't even so diligent in TTC" though they were trying to have one. Words like these came back to the surface every now and then. The more often I hear words like these, the closer I got to feeling that my body wasn't working the way it should have been (in the past I had not felt this at all, I think - at least I didn't really think that way).
Thankfully, though, the storm lasted only for about 6 hours (yeah, I'm slightly crazy about details LOL!). In the middle of it, I was screaming to God, "Help me, help me, help me focus on others' happiness instead of focusing on myself, pleaasssseeeeee." I also kept on remembering this verse: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (1 Corinthians 12:9)
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That helped, as well as saying this mantra over and over again, "It's NOT about me, NOT about me, NOT about me, NOT about me". I went to bed pretty easily that night, though I must admit that it's bloody hard to try to focus on their happiness without looking back on my own history. And I couldn't help feeling "left out" - because I DO want to share the happiness by sharing my own story, but I have no story to tell except my Mom's stories about her being pregnant with us and my own childhood stories.
But I think I've done a pretty decent job in trying to focus on them and their plans for the future instead of focusing on me (I may have slipped a few times but not too many times). Actually, writing all of this has made me feel SO much lighter. :-D
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During the time I was bombarded with pregnancy news and pics as well as a newborn baby's pics, I had time to think. In the past the sense of loss was MUCH more acute in my heart even when I wasn't having PMS. These days I feel that the challenge is more about shouting out the world's "shouts" that celebrate motherhood/parenthood/children.
In the past watching pregnant bellies at work could trigger my loss so much so that I just wanted to hide in the bathroom ASAP and BAWL. And along with the tears came the rage, jealousy, envy, frustration, self-pity, self-hate, and all that jazz.*
* Note to self: I think a close friend's pregnancy may still affect me differently. This is just talking about other people's pregnancies in general.
Nowadays I feel "frustrated" and "upset" whenever these things happen because all I see is "red" (AKA the world's ideal type of family: those that include a child/children):
a. Those "typical" movie endings (mostly drama/romance/comedy movies) that portray a pregnancy or some kids in the future (fast forward a few years ahead). "Bah humbug!" I'd say...
b. Among so many cute animal pics (I'm a cat person), suddenly something like this pops out: "There's nothing more beautiful than seeing a mother and its offspring(s)." Urghhhh! *gag reflex*
c. ...I'll add more when I find new things that make me react strongly.
While being bombarded by the pregnancy news and pics, at one point I got SO frustrated because all I heard was "the world's ideal type of family" that became louder and louder and louder that I finally got fed up and shouted, "God, please tell me that there's something good/important to learn while I'm being torn by these emotions inside. Is there anything good/important at all in all this chaos? IS THERE?!?!?!?!?!"
The reply came as quickly as I had uttered the words. The reply was: "So that you'll look to Me for your worth instead of what the world deems as your worth."
That reply was enough to abate the storm brewing inside of me. My heart was finally appeased. :-) THANK YOU for the answer, Father!
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Yesterday I heard another pregnancy news (this time it was an unplanned pregnancy). I was fine when it happened, but then after a while I started feeling my old enemy knocking on my front door again.
My enemy is called self-pity. I don't mind inviting grief and sorrow inside because then we can have a good cry, comfort and hold one another and the end result is always positive (a glad heart) even though my problem may not be solved. It is always cathartic to have a proper cry when you're grieving. However, self-pity isn't a good guest to invite in, because it always threatens to wreck my entire household. And in the end it'll also ruin the entire neighbourhood and universe. My universe.
So I was doing exercises again today (Body Combat in youtube) and while I was kicking the air, I imagined myself kicking my enemy's ass while shouting out, "Take that!!! Get THE HELL away from me!!! FAR FAR away from me!!! You're NOT invited!"
I felt more powered up during these exercises. And of course I felt better after getting a dose of endorphins again. :-)
Yesterday when I heard about SIL's pregnancy, I knew I was starting to go down the melancholy road again, especially because two days ago was the induction day of a friend and another one has started dilating yesterday. Talk about baby boom: another friend of mine is going to give birth in a few weeks'. So to balance out the melancholy mood that was threatening to engulf me in darkness bit by bit, I decided to exercise.
Right after exercise we went to sauna and sure enough, my mood had lightened up so much after that, though while hubby was making funny jokes in sauna, this slipped through my mind, "Oh, what a shame it is not to have an opportunity to see a young hubby with that quirky sense of humour!" However, it was a fleeting thought and I refused to dwell on it too long.
Before going to bed, I noticed that in FB another friend has just posted her latest pic with a preggy belly. I was a bit surprised - not because I didn't expect that, but because I did the math. You see, we met last year in spring and at that time I knew she hadn't tried having a baby yet, though she was going to do that 'coz she had been talking about babies with her spouse. In the picture she must be at least 4 months already 'coz I can already see the belly clearly. What I mostly feel was/is amazement that some people can just "get pregnant" easily (or seemingly easily - I know that's not the case in the other three people's pregnancies that I mentioned above besides SIL's).
I know it sounds silly to be amazed at something like this, but I just can't get over it because over the past years nothing has happened to us. Nothing. Zero. Zilch. But this amazement is more like the feeling you get when you see someone do an amazing magic trick and then you ask, "How on earth can someone do such a thing?" Something like that. So no more anger towards God.
Anyway, right now I'm feeling just fine, though I'm not particularly over-the-top happy over their pregnancies, but not too melancholic at least. I'm sure in time I'll be happier for them esp. when the babies come, but right now I'm not in that place yet. Well, at least I'm not envying them for their pregnancies so that's a step forward. :-) One thing I feel right now, though, is a feeling that this year's gonna be filled with more baby/pregnancy announcement 'coz another friend is TTC, so it's only a matter of time that she'll be preggy, too.
Note to self: I think at this phase, it's easier for me to accept at the most two pregnancy/baby announcement at a time (esp. if it's a close friend's) in terms of being over-the-top happy for someone else's pregnancy. Being bombarded by many different pregnancy/baby announcements in a short period of time is still a bit too much, though unlike in the past, it doesn't threaten to drown me in complete doomsday prophecy, but it does make me melancholic.
P.S. Hey, at least the workout strategy does work to elevate my mood! Next time I feel melancholy at bay again, I should try it again! :-D Bring on the endorphins!!!! :-D
Last year started with a sad bang, which was my Dad's passing. This year started with pregnancy news from my bro's wife. I hope everything goes out fine until labour. I feel fine about the pregnancy news, though I'm not over the moon happy, but I'm happy mostly for my Mom 'coz she's been wanting to have another grandchild for a while.
Anyways, one thing I felt strongly was more relief (than when my bro had his first child). Relief 'coz it means that my parents will get more than one future generation to carry on our family name. After all, my parents only have me and my bro. And relief 'coz the next time my neighbours ask me about our offspring, I can tell them that my bro has two already and that should be more than enough LOL!!!
A few weeks ago I met a friend of mine and we talked about many topics, but we did cover the same ol' question.
Her: "So what about you? You haven't planned about babies or don't want any or are you trying?"
Me: "Errr...we did try but it didn't work out, so now we just carry on our lives without thinking about babies anymore."
Her: "But that's sad. I have a friend who tried for 12 years. They went to the doctors and they said they couldn't get pregnant naturally without going to the lab, so they decided to just give up. After they gave up, she got pregnant! Have you gone to the doctors? Do you know what's wrong with you?"
Me: "Well, first of all we didn't check ourselves up because if it was found out that there was something wrong with either one of us, then the person may feel bad about it. Plus sometimes the doctors can't even find out what's wrong and we feel that it'd be bad, as well. So we decided to just not do anything and resign to life without babies."
Her: "Oh...that's sad."
Me: "Well, I don't want to keep on staring at this empty hole created by the non-baby situation. I don't want to keep on thinking about the fact that we have no kids. I want to focus on the good things that we have and dwell upon them instead."
Her: "Ah, I understand. That's a good way of thinking."
We left it at that and then moved on to other topics. :-D
I forgot to write down about what my Mom wrote in her SMS about a few months ago. You see, I had sent her an SMS about some friends' pregnancies and MAYBE she thought that I had changed my mind - that their pregnancies had somehow make me yearn to be pregnant, because she wrote something like this: "Well, you should think positively and just keep praying so that God will grant you a pregnancy."
I was really shocked to read her words, because in the past I had clearly told her over and over again that we had surrendered to life without kids and we were not interested in trying any other means to be pregnant. So I told her again that we didn't want kids anymore and added that I had just asked hubby a few days prior about his stance on this matter and he said flat out that he didn't want kids anymore. I just wanted to make sure that he was still of the same opinion. So I hope next time I share my friends' baby/pregnancy news with my Mom, she won't write things like that anymore. Once is fine, but if she keeps writing that, I'm gonna be irritated (though knowing her, she most probably won't write such a thing again to me LOL!).
Anyhow, on a good note about us, we've booked a trip to Rome this spring. WOOOHOOOOOOOOOO!!! Can't wait! It'll be our first trip there, so we're excited to see what it looks like. :-D
Last night I watched "The Accidental Husband" (Uma Thurman, Jeffrey Dean Morgan) 'coz I was in the mood to watch a light, romantic comedy. The movie itself was what I had expected, but what really made me feel disappointed was the ending. Disappointment may not be the correct term, though.
How to put it? Ummm...well, first of all if I have to explain it here, I have to give a SPOILER ALERT first, so if you're interested in watching the movie, stop reading NOW!!!
Btw, here's the imdb link to the movie: The Accidental Husband.
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Okay...now I can continue in peace...
As in many others romantic comedies, you can sort of guess the ending, but what really got me was the last minute of the movie, where it showed a bulging belly and the hubby and the wife shared a special look of fondness between them.
I was wondering what on earth made me want to say, "Oh for goodness sake!!!" when I saw it.
I was like...what? Why did I feel like that?
It's not like I want to be pregnant anymore (in fact, I'm not so sure I want kids anymore - though I suspect a great degree of this feeling may be affected by self-defense mechanism, but the bottom line is that we're used to thinking of the future without kids for the past 1,5 years). So it wasn't because of envy or anything like that.
I searched my soul and heart and mind and realized that what bothered me was the fact that the movie propagates that THE ultimate happy ending for a couple to have is when there's an additional family member coming in the form of a child/children.
I was groaning inside after I saw the ending. Why couldn't they just leave it without the bulging belly? The last minute of the movie made me feel like what we have now is "less than".
I know this may be PMS mood talking, but to be honest I'm tired of people's "silent/not-so-silent" hope that we can still have kids in the future (that we still have time).
How can you make them understand that it's not about having time still? That miracles do happen, but that doesn't necessarily mean you want it to happen to you anymore - not that specific miracle anyway (but you believe that you've been granted so many other types of miracles and that's more than enough)? Nor do you believe that that specific pregnancy miracle will happen to you anyway?
That their hope of a surprise preggy does nothing to make you feel better (not that I need them to make me feel better anyway 'coz I do love and am enjoying my life to the fullest and I have learnt to live life without kids much better than expected and that they should rejoice with me because hell, it ain't easy to reach this stage)? In fact, that kind of hope doesn't really affect me in any other way other than make me feel that they just don't understand? Oh well...let me just stop ranting...On normal days, I know that I won't feel this way, but I just feel like ranting now he he he...
A few weeks ago I found out that a certain friend had gotten pregnant again (she had been trying for this second one for a while, but finally she got pregnant). I think at that time I almost felt a tiny thump in my chest, but I definitely felt that tiny thump the other day when I found out that another friend had gotten pregnant (she's 2 years older than me - I'm 32 y.o.). After that thump, this question arose: "How come it's so easy for them but not for us?"
But then I realized that it was totally the wrong question to ask 'coz it would simply open up the Pandora box that's filled with other questions that would be impossible to answer.
Thankfully no other questions popped up, but I did feel a tad of sadness due to my "empty womb". I feel happy for my friends, but that doesn't mean I don't feel anything anymore when it comes to us, even though we've "given up" (read: not actively TTC anymore).
A close friend of mine is going to TTC next year and for selfish reasons, I just hope that she gets pregnant easily. Why? So I can get it over with: having to congratulate her and feeling whatever I may be feeling (hopefully nothing too bad) when the time comes. So for very selfish reasons, the sooner she gets pregnant, the better for me 'coz I'll then be able to move on after feeling another wave of grief over my "empty womb".
I also realize even more that all these "negative emotions brought out by IF roller-coaster" aren't altogether bad at all. They really help me understand other people's similar feelings to a deeper level. They really help me understand that we're, after all, simply human beings and that just because we feel what we feel doesn't mean we're "bad people". And the other week I also found these verses that helped me embrace all the "negative emotions during IF roller-coaster":
2 Corinthians 1:3-5
“All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” (NLT)
On a different note, today I was in the mood to watch a romantic movie, so I watched "The Holiday" again and I enjoyed crying my eyes out (probably just hormones!!!), but it feels GREAT to cry over a movie while it lasts 'coz it's not real life. You feel glad after crying your eyes out and go back to real life.
The wintery scenes in the movie make me feel thankful for living in a beautiful place with pink skies...here are some pics of the lovely pink skies of Lapland, Finland:
