Lately I've been reacting to several things in ways that I couldn't do when I was still in the depths of TTC after infertility. Two friends who are at least 40 y.o. have just told me they are pregnant again (one was a surprise pregnancy) and I could congratulate them in a neutral state of mind/heart. Another friend joked on FB, "Go make five (children)!" when I commented how cute someone's baby was. Years ago, I made a similar cute comment on someone's baby photo and the mother said, "Quick, you should go make a baby then!" and it took all that I had not to lash out to her. This time, though, the words didn't affect me in such a way at all. Instead, I instantly joked back and told her, "You go and make 5 children yourself LOL!" (side note: I know the word "make" sounds weird, but it's the direct translation from the Indonesian word).
These three events have made me think of 3D holograms (use your imagination freely as you read the next lines). You see, in the beginning of my infertility journey, whenever I saw someone's bulging belly, I often had a strong reaction to it and many times I almost cried right then and there. It was as though my 3D hologram jumped right in front of myself. The grieving hologram of myself with an empty belly, who was crying out loud right then and there and screaming in agony, "Why not me, too? I've done everything right and prepared myself to be a mother etc. etc."
And in the past when someone told me she was pregnant (especially if it was an unexpected one), my grieving hologram showed up again and the unexpectedness of it all was like a (serrated) blade that stabbed me. The wound then started bleeding again (or started bleeding more) or the gaping wound became even bigger or deeper. It hurt. It hurt because I knew they didn't mean to hurt me, yet I was in so much pain. It hurt because I wanted to be happy for them, but I couldn't. And it hurt even more because I felt like a horrible person, so I got even more frustrated at myself, but at the same time I felt that I had the right and the need to take care of myself.
You see, my own hologram (that popped up between me and that person) was blocking me from accessing the other person's happiness fully. I mean, how can you disregard that kind of projection when she's standing right in front of you in such a state and in such intensity?
In the beginning of my healing journey, this hologram (the projection of my grief/pain) was so intense, vivid, and relentless (even uncontrollable). Over time and plenty of grief work (with lots of help and support from my tribe), the intensity and the frequency of my grieving hologram has diminished. In fact, as the hologram gets weaker and weaker, at times I can even press "pause" so that I can be fully present in someone else's company and then press "play" when I'm on my own again.
Showing posts with label Journey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Journey. Show all posts
Friday, June 17, 2016
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
Splendid Sodankylä
I've been silent due to many reasons. One of the major reasons is my wrist/thumb/arm problem. I've been staying away from using the computer to rest my active hand fully. The second major reason is linked to my previous post.
Let me try to summarize it. Basically speaking, written text is by far my most fave form of communication. Always has been, always will be.
The barrage of written text after the Paris attacks was like the last straw that broke my back. It's like this: if written text is like my fave chair in the house (bad analogy, I know), then I feel like people are throwing their fave chairs at one another instead of inviting other people to sit there and have a good, private discussion. And it scared the shit out of me. It was disturbing enough to be surrounded by the mirrors of what-I-could-have-done (I could easily have been one of those people), but it was all the more disturbing to see so many chairs being hurled at one another. It also disturbed me that people used social media as a means to somehow say this: "This is what I stand for. If you're not with me, then you're against me." "If you stand for XX, then I'll delete you from my friend's list." Ugh. Ugh. And more ugh.
My most fave form of communication never felt like the destructive two-edged blade the way it did after the Paris attacks. And it hurt. It hurt. It hurt that I became scared of using that tool to express myself, even though it had always been a tool that makes me feel the most alive. And another disturbing thing is the TMI factor. It feels like in the past, we only get to know other people's inner beliefs/personal opinions when you talk to them/write to them/spend time with them in real life. These days, it almost feels like Mel Gibson in the movie where he suddenly got the ability to read people's minds. On a smaller scale, it doesn't feel disturbing, but when it feels like the global world is giving you TMI, it's overwhelming.
So I took time to recharge and stay away from all the "white noise" and figure out how I wanted to use social media. Here are some things that I've found during my cave time:
- We all make mistakes. We all fuck up. I'm also prone to reacting when I'm in fear, prone to lashing out when I'm angry, prone to defending myself, prone to be narrow-minded and obstinate in my beliefs and ignorant. I've also hurt other people with or without intending to do so. My words have been misunderstood or taken out of context. My words may have fueled other people's feelings to a certain direction and may have created more chaos than peace. But you know what? That's all a package of life. The only people who don't make mistakes are the ones who don't do anything. Yes, silence is sometimes better and wiser than words and yes, I've made the mistakes in speaking when I'm supposed to be silent and not speaking when I'm supposed to speak up, but what matters most is that as long as I have another day to live, then it's a brand new day to do better.
- Life is a journey of learning. So go and write, speak and make mistakes and learn from them. Learn to be brave to speak when you need to speak up and learn to shut your mouth when necessary.
- No matter how hopeless an act of peace can be among those who want to create chaos for their own personal reasons/gain, keep striving to spread peace wherever you go, because the world doesn't need more hatred.
- Even though there is a potential of darkness within each of us (like Yin/Yang), I shouldn't be afraid of the darkness (during my low moments I felt like dark shadows were creeping out from the corners to get me), but instead I should focus on how the darkness can help me see some things better, for example how bright the stars and moon can be when it's pitch dark all around me. Focus on those stars and moon (or the Aurora or other people's lit inner candles) instead of the shadows that you're afraid may swallow you up whole.
On a totally different note, I went for a walk along the river bank yesterday and took a video. I combined the video with last year's Christmas video, added a song and some quotes. Here's my End of Year greeting to you all...
Let me try to summarize it. Basically speaking, written text is by far my most fave form of communication. Always has been, always will be.
The barrage of written text after the Paris attacks was like the last straw that broke my back. It's like this: if written text is like my fave chair in the house (bad analogy, I know), then I feel like people are throwing their fave chairs at one another instead of inviting other people to sit there and have a good, private discussion. And it scared the shit out of me. It was disturbing enough to be surrounded by the mirrors of what-I-could-have-done (I could easily have been one of those people), but it was all the more disturbing to see so many chairs being hurled at one another. It also disturbed me that people used social media as a means to somehow say this: "This is what I stand for. If you're not with me, then you're against me." "If you stand for XX, then I'll delete you from my friend's list." Ugh. Ugh. And more ugh.
My most fave form of communication never felt like the destructive two-edged blade the way it did after the Paris attacks. And it hurt. It hurt. It hurt that I became scared of using that tool to express myself, even though it had always been a tool that makes me feel the most alive. And another disturbing thing is the TMI factor. It feels like in the past, we only get to know other people's inner beliefs/personal opinions when you talk to them/write to them/spend time with them in real life. These days, it almost feels like Mel Gibson in the movie where he suddenly got the ability to read people's minds. On a smaller scale, it doesn't feel disturbing, but when it feels like the global world is giving you TMI, it's overwhelming.
So I took time to recharge and stay away from all the "white noise" and figure out how I wanted to use social media. Here are some things that I've found during my cave time:
- We all make mistakes. We all fuck up. I'm also prone to reacting when I'm in fear, prone to lashing out when I'm angry, prone to defending myself, prone to be narrow-minded and obstinate in my beliefs and ignorant. I've also hurt other people with or without intending to do so. My words have been misunderstood or taken out of context. My words may have fueled other people's feelings to a certain direction and may have created more chaos than peace. But you know what? That's all a package of life. The only people who don't make mistakes are the ones who don't do anything. Yes, silence is sometimes better and wiser than words and yes, I've made the mistakes in speaking when I'm supposed to be silent and not speaking when I'm supposed to speak up, but what matters most is that as long as I have another day to live, then it's a brand new day to do better.
- Life is a journey of learning. So go and write, speak and make mistakes and learn from them. Learn to be brave to speak when you need to speak up and learn to shut your mouth when necessary.
- No matter how hopeless an act of peace can be among those who want to create chaos for their own personal reasons/gain, keep striving to spread peace wherever you go, because the world doesn't need more hatred.
- Even though there is a potential of darkness within each of us (like Yin/Yang), I shouldn't be afraid of the darkness (during my low moments I felt like dark shadows were creeping out from the corners to get me), but instead I should focus on how the darkness can help me see some things better, for example how bright the stars and moon can be when it's pitch dark all around me. Focus on those stars and moon (or the Aurora or other people's lit inner candles) instead of the shadows that you're afraid may swallow you up whole.
On a totally different note, I went for a walk along the river bank yesterday and took a video. I combined the video with last year's Christmas video, added a song and some quotes. Here's my End of Year greeting to you all...
Friday, September 27, 2013
Catharsis
One of the nagging questions I've experienced during my IF journey is, "When is it going to stop? When am I going to completely heal from this? When will I stop feeling the pain? When will I stop grieving?"
I remember that after a rather long period of peace, grief started knocking on my door again and for some time I tried blocking its entrance. I thought that I had grieved enough and that I had "healed", but over time the knock got louder and louder and louder and I couldn't ignore it anymore. I gave in. The grief wasn't as strong as before and the pain I felt wasn't as crushing, but still the need to grieve couldn't be ignored. I wrote a long post about it (Funeral of a Dream) and gave myself permission to cry my eyes out.
As time passed by and new and old feelings came up, I began to realize even more that it's not the destination that counts. Trying to think of when I'm going to "fully heal" is only making me frustrated. Trying to protect myself from possible harm (other people's questions, annoying ass-vice given by random people, etc.) is tricky because it's really unpredictable when I'm going to feel stabbed by something I hear or something I see (although I admit it's handy to try to prepare and remember smart comebacks for the usual questions that people throw at us). What I can tell is that the longer I spend on this road to healing, the less often I experience heart stabbing moments (which in the past would actually make me feel like bleeding profusely inside or feel like I was being punched in the gut).
I find that whenever I try to fight grief from consuming me, it drags my feet instead, making it harder for me to walk further away along my healing journey. It's like all of a sudden I was walking in a swamp. The height of the swamp increased the longer I postpone my grieving process. However, the minute I let go, the minute I let myself drown, even though the process is very unpleasant and tiring, at the end of it it feels like a refreshing, cleansing bath. A catharsis. The weight of the swampy water is no longer dragging me, no longer clinging onto me. I feel cleaner because I have accepted all that is that I'd been feeling inside and let myself be. I stand face-to-face with all those feelings and embrace them and they let go of their grip onto me.
I think this is one of the toughest parts of this journey. Because this journey is wrought with so many layers of loss, sometimes when the grief overlaps due to the many losses we feel at one time, it's so overwhelming that we're afraid of letting ourselves drown in them. So we keep fighting them and that tires us even more, which is not helpful at all. Everyone has different journeys and different pain triggers, different life situations and different challenges. The only thing I can say that helps me whenever I get frustrated because I don't feel like I'm moving forward at all in my journey is this: take it one day at a time. One day at a time...and someday in the far future, when I look back on my journey, it'll be easier to gauge just how far I've come.
P.S. I admit on some days it's harder to follow my own advice LOL!!!
glitter-graphics.com
I remember that after a rather long period of peace, grief started knocking on my door again and for some time I tried blocking its entrance. I thought that I had grieved enough and that I had "healed", but over time the knock got louder and louder and louder and I couldn't ignore it anymore. I gave in. The grief wasn't as strong as before and the pain I felt wasn't as crushing, but still the need to grieve couldn't be ignored. I wrote a long post about it (Funeral of a Dream) and gave myself permission to cry my eyes out.
As time passed by and new and old feelings came up, I began to realize even more that it's not the destination that counts. Trying to think of when I'm going to "fully heal" is only making me frustrated. Trying to protect myself from possible harm (other people's questions, annoying ass-vice given by random people, etc.) is tricky because it's really unpredictable when I'm going to feel stabbed by something I hear or something I see (although I admit it's handy to try to prepare and remember smart comebacks for the usual questions that people throw at us). What I can tell is that the longer I spend on this road to healing, the less often I experience heart stabbing moments (which in the past would actually make me feel like bleeding profusely inside or feel like I was being punched in the gut).
I find that whenever I try to fight grief from consuming me, it drags my feet instead, making it harder for me to walk further away along my healing journey. It's like all of a sudden I was walking in a swamp. The height of the swamp increased the longer I postpone my grieving process. However, the minute I let go, the minute I let myself drown, even though the process is very unpleasant and tiring, at the end of it it feels like a refreshing, cleansing bath. A catharsis. The weight of the swampy water is no longer dragging me, no longer clinging onto me. I feel cleaner because I have accepted all that is that I'd been feeling inside and let myself be. I stand face-to-face with all those feelings and embrace them and they let go of their grip onto me.
I think this is one of the toughest parts of this journey. Because this journey is wrought with so many layers of loss, sometimes when the grief overlaps due to the many losses we feel at one time, it's so overwhelming that we're afraid of letting ourselves drown in them. So we keep fighting them and that tires us even more, which is not helpful at all. Everyone has different journeys and different pain triggers, different life situations and different challenges. The only thing I can say that helps me whenever I get frustrated because I don't feel like I'm moving forward at all in my journey is this: take it one day at a time. One day at a time...and someday in the far future, when I look back on my journey, it'll be easier to gauge just how far I've come.
P.S. I admit on some days it's harder to follow my own advice LOL!!!
glitter-graphics.com
Monday, July 1, 2013
No Regrets
When we're in the the middle of a storm, it's hard to think straight 'coz everything around you is chaos. All the noise, the whirling wind, the battered and bruised self, the soaked drenched body, the fear that grips you, the inability to see ahead of you, and the list goes on.
So here I am, looking back on our IF journey, able to see things more clearly because there's a great distance between us and our TTC journey already. Despite the fact that we never tried to find out what was "wrong" with us (if such a thing could be found) and we never tried anything else other than regular TTC and some months of Chinese herbs and vitamins, I have no regrets. I feel that we've done everything we could that we were both willing to do in order to achieve pregnancy and I feel that we've drawn the right line for us.
However, what I find most endearing about this "looking backward process" this time is that both hubby and I were on the same page every step of the way. When we wanted to start trying, we wanted to do it together and when we decided to stop, the both of us felt that it was time to stop. Back then I knew already how nice it felt to be "walking side-by-side/hand-in-hand" like that, but now I cherish it even more with fresh eyes. I'm truly grateful for being able to be "on the same page" with hubby, especially during this rocky TTC-turned-IF journey.
glitter-graphics.com
So here I am, looking back on our IF journey, able to see things more clearly because there's a great distance between us and our TTC journey already. Despite the fact that we never tried to find out what was "wrong" with us (if such a thing could be found) and we never tried anything else other than regular TTC and some months of Chinese herbs and vitamins, I have no regrets. I feel that we've done everything we could that we were both willing to do in order to achieve pregnancy and I feel that we've drawn the right line for us.
However, what I find most endearing about this "looking backward process" this time is that both hubby and I were on the same page every step of the way. When we wanted to start trying, we wanted to do it together and when we decided to stop, the both of us felt that it was time to stop. Back then I knew already how nice it felt to be "walking side-by-side/hand-in-hand" like that, but now I cherish it even more with fresh eyes. I'm truly grateful for being able to be "on the same page" with hubby, especially during this rocky TTC-turned-IF journey.
glitter-graphics.com
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
On Forgiveness
During my IF journey, I'm reminded over and over again of this lesson. Forgiveness.
Forgiving myself over and over again whenever I felt all those nasty things that made me become my own worst enemy. Forgiving myself after I snapped on some friends who meant well, who were at a loss on what to say. Forgiving them who said all the wrong things despite their intentions. Forgiving myself for being jealous and for not being able to be happy when I saw pregnant bellies. Forgiving myself for not being able to say "congratulations" sincerely when I heard pregnancy news. Forgiving strangers or semi-strangers who flippantly said "just relax" or even joked about our infertility or said "you can just adopt". Forgiving myself on bad days when I felt like being cynical towards the whole world.
Forgiveness isn't an easy lesson, especially when one is hurting and bleeding inside.
Here are some quotes I love about forgiveness:
Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
- Suzanne Somers
Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.
- Marianne Williamson
“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."
- Mother Teresa
Quotes taken from here and here.
Forgiving myself over and over again whenever I felt all those nasty things that made me become my own worst enemy. Forgiving myself after I snapped on some friends who meant well, who were at a loss on what to say. Forgiving them who said all the wrong things despite their intentions. Forgiving myself for being jealous and for not being able to be happy when I saw pregnant bellies. Forgiving myself for not being able to say "congratulations" sincerely when I heard pregnancy news. Forgiving strangers or semi-strangers who flippantly said "just relax" or even joked about our infertility or said "you can just adopt". Forgiving myself on bad days when I felt like being cynical towards the whole world.
Forgiveness isn't an easy lesson, especially when one is hurting and bleeding inside.
Here are some quotes I love about forgiveness:
Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
- Suzanne Somers
Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.
- Marianne Williamson
“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."
- Mother Teresa
Quotes taken from here and here.
Monday, February 22, 2010
The Talk
The other night before we fell asleep, I started "the talk" with hubby. Here's our convo:
Me: "What's more important for you: being a Dad or having your own flesh-and-blood?"
Hubby: "Dunno."
Me: "Okay, how about this...do you still want to have kids?"
Hubby was quiet...probably trying to think of how to answer the question without hurting my feelings (which I'm VERY grateful for!).
Me: "Do you feel this way: 'If babies come, then they're very welcome, but if they don't come, then it's fine, too'?"
Hubby: "Yes."
Me: "Actually I also feel that way, 'coz I don't want to be obsessed anymore. Life's good, anyway, right?"
Hubby: "Yes."
I felt GLAD after we had our talk and I knew he felt glad too. I'm HAPPY 'coz we're on the same page and none of us needs to feel the burden of knowing that the other one is still so desperate in TTC.
On the other hand, it still feels like there's this little voice in me asking, "Does it mean that we're giving up?" I certainly don't know. I mean, I do still have that wish to have a baby (esp. if I see pics of my friends' babies), but I start wondering if we're really meant to be parents. Well, at least our sex life has gotten MUCH better than when we were still so actively TTC (with no result) and we'd definitely continue making love 'coz sex is a part of marriage that we want to keep alive. Anyhow, even if we do look like we're giving up, it's our life and it's our choice, anyway, and other people should respect our decision.
I'm not really waiting for God's timing or miracle anymore (at least these days I don't feel that way in terms of having a child/children). I'm just holding on to Him, knowing that He has the best plans for us. I do my best to keep counting all the little and medium and big blessings that He's poured upon us. I don't know what the journey will be like 'coz I have the feeling that it's still a long journey (after reading many blogs stating that even after they stop TTC due to age, they still feel some grief or sorrow left when they're reminded of their lost dreams) and this blog will be the witness of that journey. :-)))
glitter-graphics.com
Me: "What's more important for you: being a Dad or having your own flesh-and-blood?"
Hubby: "Dunno."
Me: "Okay, how about this...do you still want to have kids?"
Hubby was quiet...probably trying to think of how to answer the question without hurting my feelings (which I'm VERY grateful for!).
Me: "Do you feel this way: 'If babies come, then they're very welcome, but if they don't come, then it's fine, too'?"
Hubby: "Yes."
Me: "Actually I also feel that way, 'coz I don't want to be obsessed anymore. Life's good, anyway, right?"
Hubby: "Yes."
I felt GLAD after we had our talk and I knew he felt glad too. I'm HAPPY 'coz we're on the same page and none of us needs to feel the burden of knowing that the other one is still so desperate in TTC.
On the other hand, it still feels like there's this little voice in me asking, "Does it mean that we're giving up?" I certainly don't know. I mean, I do still have that wish to have a baby (esp. if I see pics of my friends' babies), but I start wondering if we're really meant to be parents. Well, at least our sex life has gotten MUCH better than when we were still so actively TTC (with no result) and we'd definitely continue making love 'coz sex is a part of marriage that we want to keep alive. Anyhow, even if we do look like we're giving up, it's our life and it's our choice, anyway, and other people should respect our decision.
I'm not really waiting for God's timing or miracle anymore (at least these days I don't feel that way in terms of having a child/children). I'm just holding on to Him, knowing that He has the best plans for us. I do my best to keep counting all the little and medium and big blessings that He's poured upon us. I don't know what the journey will be like 'coz I have the feeling that it's still a long journey (after reading many blogs stating that even after they stop TTC due to age, they still feel some grief or sorrow left when they're reminded of their lost dreams) and this blog will be the witness of that journey. :-)))
glitter-graphics.com
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Words of Affirmation
1. No matter how hard it is to deal with IF, at least I'm given a chance to embrace this "world of IF" with all its turmoil and mess so that in the end I may grow and grow and grow and become a more enlightened person.
2. No matter what I face at the end of my IF journey, I believe that God will never give me anything beyond my powers and if I ever feel like I'm too weak, He's only a shout away to help me. He, the Source of everything, will be able to sustain and support me even when I'm sucked away by the worst quicksand of self-pity, resentment, and jealousy.
3. My marriage (the relationship between me and my husband) is more important than this "baby quest", because if I ruin this marriage, it's the same as ruining what I want to have before a baby comes our way: a solid relationship and partnership between a husband and a wife.
4. It's okay to feel shitty and messy and unlovable at times, esp. when I feel so cynical and bitter as long as I don't allow myself to drown in those feelings for too long. It's NOT okay to deny any feelings at all 'coz it only makes it harder for me to pass through my mourning and healing process. In order to heal, I must acknowledge all the feelings inside me and be able to find out the sources of those feelings, let it all out, then give enough time to mourn.
5. Just because I feel jealousy, resentment, cynicism, and bitterness doesn't mean that I've become all of those feelings. It's just a phase I need to go through and the bottom line is that I am going through all of those - with God's help.
6. Being given the chance to fall to the darkest pit in my entire life is beneficial for me in the future 'coz it makes me understand aspects of life that I may never had understood had I not experienced IF. And for that, I'm THANKFUL for the opportunity to learn so many facets of feelings even if I don't necessarily enjoy feeling all of them.
2. No matter what I face at the end of my IF journey, I believe that God will never give me anything beyond my powers and if I ever feel like I'm too weak, He's only a shout away to help me. He, the Source of everything, will be able to sustain and support me even when I'm sucked away by the worst quicksand of self-pity, resentment, and jealousy.
3. My marriage (the relationship between me and my husband) is more important than this "baby quest", because if I ruin this marriage, it's the same as ruining what I want to have before a baby comes our way: a solid relationship and partnership between a husband and a wife.
4. It's okay to feel shitty and messy and unlovable at times, esp. when I feel so cynical and bitter as long as I don't allow myself to drown in those feelings for too long. It's NOT okay to deny any feelings at all 'coz it only makes it harder for me to pass through my mourning and healing process. In order to heal, I must acknowledge all the feelings inside me and be able to find out the sources of those feelings, let it all out, then give enough time to mourn.
5. Just because I feel jealousy, resentment, cynicism, and bitterness doesn't mean that I've become all of those feelings. It's just a phase I need to go through and the bottom line is that I am going through all of those - with God's help.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Reproductively Challenged?
Hi, people! (re-edited on Feb 12, 2013)
What shall I write here as an introduction? Well, I'm an Indo girl who moved to Finland to be with my Finnish hubby (I'm 31, hubby's almost 39). We've been TTC since May 2008. I started taking BCP since August 2006 and I stopped taking them in January 2008. We started using condoms for 3 months and then we stopped using any protection. At first we were still half worried and half excited about the prospect of being pregnant. I think I started REALLY wanting to be pregnant about two months after our first try.
A year after TTC, I went to the lab to get my blood tested (well, the gyno told me to do that first). I did two blood tests and they came out OK. Then I got busy doing other stuff (so taking more tests was put on the lowest level of priority) and then I visited my family back in Indo for a month alone, so now that I'm back to Finland again we've talked about what to do and we decided not to pursue any kind of medical treatments. We decided not to get tested any further.
The past few months I've been browsing around for infertility blogs and so I decided to create one 'coz I just don't want to bombard the regular readers of my main blog with this kind of topic. I just thought it'd be better if I created another blog mainly to write about my infertility journey and the ups and downs...or I can also write about other things here. We'll see about that.
Anyway, back to our decision. Why make this decision so early? First of all, I don't want any one of us to feel bad if it's found out that one of us is having "problems". If both of us are having problems, maybe it won't cause too much "trouble" (maybe, I don't know). Secondly, if we pursue any kind of medical treatments, I'm TOO afraid of getting our hopes HIGH up there to cloud number 9 and then if they fail, it's gonna hurt SO MUCH MORE. It already hurts so much now (and there are some months when I feel that I'm WAY too obsessed about counting down to the day when I'd get my period "late")...what do I expect to feel when medical treatments don't work? I just don't think I'd be able to handle it.
That's why we came up with the decision. I don't know if it's a temporary decision or not. Again we'll see about that. I've had some bad months and some rather easy months. I'll write more about this later, I guess. I think for now this introduction should be enough.
P.S. So far I've only used ovulation test kits 4 times. My menstrual cycle is quite long (around 31-43 days - I'd say on average it's around 35-36 days), so I get less chance to get pregnant in a year than women who have a shorter menstrual cycle. During the 4 times I used the ovulation test kits, it showed a + sign on CD 21 and 22.
Additional info (22.10.2012): We've been surrendering to life without kids for the past two years (or maybe a year and a half 'coz in the beginning I kept going back and forth to wanting to have kids again). We've told both sets of parents about this decision. We're focusing on making the best of our life together as a couple and enjoying each other's company and cherishing our relationship. Bye bye TTC and hello "empty nest" period! :-D
What shall I write here as an introduction? Well, I'm an Indo girl who moved to Finland to be with my Finnish hubby (I'm 31, hubby's almost 39). We've been TTC since May 2008. I started taking BCP since August 2006 and I stopped taking them in January 2008. We started using condoms for 3 months and then we stopped using any protection. At first we were still half worried and half excited about the prospect of being pregnant. I think I started REALLY wanting to be pregnant about two months after our first try.
A year after TTC, I went to the lab to get my blood tested (well, the gyno told me to do that first). I did two blood tests and they came out OK. Then I got busy doing other stuff (so taking more tests was put on the lowest level of priority) and then I visited my family back in Indo for a month alone, so now that I'm back to Finland again we've talked about what to do and we decided not to pursue any kind of medical treatments. We decided not to get tested any further.
The past few months I've been browsing around for infertility blogs and so I decided to create one 'coz I just don't want to bombard the regular readers of my main blog with this kind of topic. I just thought it'd be better if I created another blog mainly to write about my infertility journey and the ups and downs...or I can also write about other things here. We'll see about that.
Anyway, back to our decision. Why make this decision so early? First of all, I don't want any one of us to feel bad if it's found out that one of us is having "problems". If both of us are having problems, maybe it won't cause too much "trouble" (maybe, I don't know). Secondly, if we pursue any kind of medical treatments, I'm TOO afraid of getting our hopes HIGH up there to cloud number 9 and then if they fail, it's gonna hurt SO MUCH MORE. It already hurts so much now (and there are some months when I feel that I'm WAY too obsessed about counting down to the day when I'd get my period "late")...what do I expect to feel when medical treatments don't work? I just don't think I'd be able to handle it.
That's why we came up with the decision. I don't know if it's a temporary decision or not. Again we'll see about that. I've had some bad months and some rather easy months. I'll write more about this later, I guess. I think for now this introduction should be enough.
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| Photo taken from here |
P.S. So far I've only used ovulation test kits 4 times. My menstrual cycle is quite long (around 31-43 days - I'd say on average it's around 35-36 days), so I get less chance to get pregnant in a year than women who have a shorter menstrual cycle. During the 4 times I used the ovulation test kits, it showed a + sign on CD 21 and 22.
Additional info (22.10.2012): We've been surrendering to life without kids for the past two years (or maybe a year and a half 'coz in the beginning I kept going back and forth to wanting to have kids again). We've told both sets of parents about this decision. We're focusing on making the best of our life together as a couple and enjoying each other's company and cherishing our relationship. Bye bye TTC and hello "empty nest" period! :-D
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