Then vs Now: Warring Thoughts on Pregnancy

My period cycle ranges between 31-43 days, averaging 35 days. In the beginning of time (2010) after we sort of decided to live life without kids (though not really 100% sure yet), whenever I got closer to my period, I would have those warring thoughts again, "Oh, maybe I'll get pregnant this month. Maybe my period won't come. Maybe I'll get to feel a child growing inside me. Hmmm...I wonder how he'll look like...then next year we'll have to stop travelling until the child is big enough etc. etc. etc."

I remember one time my period was 2 days late (so 45 days) and I started daydreaming again about our possible child etc. etc. etc. and as usual another part of me scolded me, "Are you CRAZY?!?!?!?! Do you wanna go through it all over again? The disappointment? The grief? STOP IT, stupid brain!!! (add some expletives here)" 

And you know what? A couple of times I even had these thoughts when I wasn't even sure that we made love on my fertile days (because I'd stopped counting). Then started the war all over again. The "But imagine how your child could look like and how happy your parents and in-laws are gonna be etc. etc. etc." versus "Are you delusional? You don't even know if you made love on your fertile days, how is it possible to get pregnant?" Crazy, I know. No wonder some people may consider me obsessed he he...

However, I've noticed a shift since more or less last year (as far as I remember). Last year I had a scare. Again my period was 2 days later than normal and I was actually scared of getting pregnant. I had been focusing on this thought "we're a complete family just the two of us" that I really wished my period would come. And I was sighing in relief when my period finally came.

Have you ever had these types of warring thoughts, too? 
 

Weird But True

My friend who has PCOS (who was the catalyst of my breakdown last December) has finally given birth to a healthy baby girl. What do I feel about this? PURE JOY!!! Nothing else, THANK GOD!!! I was even able to be there for her during one check-up a week before the baby was born 'coz she was so afraid that they would induce her and I managed to infuse her with positive thoughts. It felt GREAT to be a sounding board for her without any negative thoughts about me, myself, and I.

However, another weird thing has happened again...yeah, my brain has been messing up again with the thought of being pregnant. For some reason even before I got news about my friend's baby's birth, my twisted brain has been "telling me" about that I might get pregnant this month. Crazy, right?

The brain has been telling me that during the 2ww (actually longer than 2ww 'coz my cycle is longer than 30 days) I've been producing so much mucus (more than usual) and my appetite has been over the top, yadda yadda yadda...but now that it's bugging me so much, I can't help but to postpone sending a job application letter 'coz if I am pregnant, then there's no way they'd hire me anyway and I would even reconsider doing this kind of job that I'm about to apply for. I mean, after all it's not THAT easy to get myself pregnant in the first place, so I'm not going to do any physical work that I think may endanger my pregnancy.

You see? Crazy thoughts again...Well, at least this time those thoughts don't come with envy or bitterness towards others. However, I'd sometimes REALLY like to push a stop button so that I can get down from this tiring roller-coaster ride - just as I thought I had stopped riding it, here I go again...

P.S. One time I was tempted to browse through "pregnancy symptoms" again, but I managed to stop myself even before that thought fully developed in my head. Even though I may not be able to stop myself from riding the roller-coaster of hell, I can still control some other things. GO, ME!!!

P.P.S. I think one of the most frustrating parts of infertility is that it doesn't seem as though we could really control ourselves so well - our feelings, our "crazy" thoughts, our obsession...despite our best effort, we still fail...maybe that's one reason why it feels so yucky...