Introducing Mochi!

These past few days I've felt melancholic. It doesn't help that the weather outside has been rainy and grey as well. There have been some things that have made me feel this way (other than the refugee crisis and the heated debate on the changes the government has proposed for this country). One of the reasons is that some things have made me more aware of the hollow echoes of my rather empty chamber of cheerleaders. I'm thankful for a few people who have been able to share my joys (my "Eureka" moments) that are otherwise missed completely in today's world, but every now and then I visit the chamber and realize how hollow it feels like compared to how it used to be. 

Yes, the nostalgic part in me took over. Someone wise reminded me that the few people who shared my joys were truly genuine and she was totally right, but I couldn't shake the melancholy off completely. But then a part of me wonders how much my imagination can help in terms of filling the rather empty chamber. I have, after all, felt the benefit of conjuring up my inner BFF whenever I need to. My inner BFF is the splitting image of myself, but maybe I need a separate image to be my own personal cheerleader. Would it work? If our reality is made up of happens in our mind, then would it help to have an imaginary cheerleader? No harm done in trying, I say.

So last night I began thinking of my own personal cheerleader and I came up with a name. Mochi! Mochi is one of my fave snacks made of glutinous rice ha ha ha...This time my personal cheerleader is in the form of the only cat I ever had in my lifetime. A CUTE ginger tomcat who has a short, curled up tail that only goes tick-tock-tick-tock. Seriously, my cat had a tail like that and it made him super special LOL! Anyway, Mochi is smart and he has the personality of a dog. He's fiercely loving and loyal to me, but also very playful and independent. He's a much better dancer than me as he's very nimble and light on his feet (think of a dancing Puss in Boots with a curled up tail). Best of all, he's always ready to share my joys and jump up and down like crazy by my side.


glitter-graphics.com
I'm truly looking forward to having a lot of fun with Mochi. :-D

Answering Grief Questions + Embracing Inner Child

Lisa Manterfield asked very good questions on grief/loss in her blog that made me think hard. Here are my answers:

1. My grief has subdued over time. Lots of writing and grief work, getting support from people who get it, lots of letting go. My wounds have stopped bleeding for a while, though the scars are there, but I no longer operate on a daily basis with one eye on the bumpy scars. I’ve found more peace as time goes by and more purposes of the pain I’ve felt. I now firmly believe that my pain is not for nothing. 

2. My loss has helped me become kinder to myself. It has also helped me feel more connected to other people in general, because at the end of the day each of us has different struggles. My loss has also made me more aware of the possibility of other people’s silent struggles and losses (esp. those that people in general misunderstand).

3. My grief creeps up when I haven’t come to terms with a particular loss or when I haven’t grieved that particular loss at all or enough. It also creeps up when there’s something I know I’m missing in this childless life that I haven’t found ways to get around yet and then BAM I see the missing thing being shown so clearly in the lives of those people who have children. Example: some photos of a baby being mesmerized by his/her own foot/finger (the first time the baby realizes the existence of said foot/finger). That kind of thing may get to me because it’s difficult to replicate in my own life. It’s easier for me to embrace my inner child (without having my own child) and try to find joys in the smallest things by doing other stuff like making a snowman, for example.

Ever since we chose to walk along the childless-not-by-choice road, I've begun to feel even more acutely of the things that we miss by not having children and by not spending time with children, particularly the part where small children sees things with fresh eyes. How little things amaze them and in turn amuse the parents and remind them of the smallest joys in life.

I've tried my best in embracing my inner child over the past few years and also find joy in the smallest things. I've tried looking at my surroundings with fresh eyes (yes, even though I know it won't be the same) by taking photos from different angles and by really taking time to enjoy nature (stop and smell the roses kind of thing). 

Here is my latest attempt at creating a snowman. The weather was perfect and I had so much fun making it. :-D Mind you, all the snow has melted away by now (which is preferable compared to having icy surface everywhere), but I do hope I'll get more chances to make different kinds of snow creations later on. This one is my upside down, big-headed snowman.

The best of all that day was the fact that this cutiepie was watching me as I was making the body. No kidding! It was really curious and I couldn't help chuckling. I LOVE this place! 

Random Thoughts Before New Year

1. The Important Letter.

I've sent my mom the letter via my brother (I asked him to print it out). It ended up being a 4-page MS Word document (plus a paragraph on the 5th page). Still no word from her via SMS to me. I imagine it's going to take time for her to bury the dream that she's been having for us. I hope the other half of my letter gave her comfort, because the first half talked about my honest feelings when it came to our infertility journey. It was REALLY hard to write the letter and I was on edge the whole day yesterday while waiting for the response. 

In the end I contacted my brother via YM and asked him how it went. She said that mom had cried. I was so emotional during our chat in YM and I started crying, too. My bro helped explain to her that I wasn't blaming her and that I knew she meant well, but that I'd like to be supported not by her praying about a miracle pregnancy or by her telling me to keep on praying to get pregnant. I have given her more ideas on what to pray on in the letter, so hope that helps, too. My bro said that she must be sad when she read about our struggles and all the feelings that I had during the tough period of our infertility journey. I sent her an SMS yesterday, telling her that I'm thankful to have a mother who prays for me and that I love her and I ask her not to be too sad because we're doing fine.


2. Infertility and Relationships.

Sometimes I feel that infertility is a double-edged sword. When I was preparing to write the letter for my mom, I knew it would crush her, too. I don't want to crush her dream for us, but I felt that it must be done for the sake of our relationship. I began to feel our relationship cracking and I don't want to lose our relationship. I was struggling to try to find a way on how to crush her dream gently and I hope I have succeeded in doing so. 

Other than that, here's also something I wrote weeks ago about infertility and friendship:  

"Infertility is a tricky thing to deal with when you have a pregnant close friend whose pregnancy reminds you of your losses. As much as you'd like your friends to tell you as many parts of their joys and sorrows and as much as you'd like to tell your friends about your joys and sorrows, it's not that easy to figure out the fine line. The fine line where you don't want to burst someone else's happy bubble by telling them that their stories trigger very soft spots within yourself, but then again you wonder if you should let them know about at least some of them because you want them to understand your journey. The fine line where you wonder how much stuff you should tell your friends about your feelings because you fear that they are going to hold back sharing their joys because they don't want to hurt you, but on the other hand you don't want to miss all the lovely moments even if those moments trigger some pain within your deepest self."

It IS a shame that infertility is affecting those around me this way, but I welcome the lessons that it's giving me (and other lessons that it will give me in the future).


3. I found this article via an FB share and I LOVE LOVE LOVE it for so many different reasons so I'd share it here too: Confronting the Lie: God Won't Give You More Than You Can Handle.  

4. A friend of mine gave me this challenge weeks ago and I've finally found my word for 2014. 

My word of the year is “Disentangle”. I need to practise disentangling myself from any emotional connection or baggage so that I can take a step back and celebrate other people’s beautiful moments with them without drowning in grief when their beautiful moments are the ones that acutely remind me of what I will never have. I want to disentangle myself from those heavy weights that make me want to crawl or drown in my grief so that I can stand up and continue my healing journey.

Here's the challenge in case you want to participate: What Will You Choose For Your Word of 2014? 

Last but not least, Happy New Year! Wishing you more peace, comfort, and healing throughout 2014!  
 

glitter-graphics.com

Christmassy Thoughts

Spent the night at my MIL's place. Had a lovely, peaceful Christmas. BIL and SIL came over for a few hours. We had the Finnish traditional Christmas food then played cards, but then BIL went with SIL to celebrate Christmas with SIL's family. We continued playing cards just the three of us while watching Funniest Home Videos on TV.

At one point the announcer said, "This woman will soon get the best Christmas gift ever!" while the screen showed an older woman opening a Christmas gift. Not long after that, she screamed to a younger woman (probably her daughter), "You're PREGNANT?!?!?!?!?! REALLY?!?!?!?!"

She jumped to her feet, hugged the younger woman, shrieked in joy some more, and the others also followed suit to congratulate her and her husband.

That moment I felt robbed of that kind of joy because I can't give that kind of joy to my mother or my MIL. No guilt involved, though. Just felt robbed of that opportunity. It makes me a tad tender inside. Good thing our Christmas rituals don't involve any kids (MIL's two grandsons are already big boys and they live too far away to spend Christmas together).



Other than that, I had a blast tricking hubby again by disguising his gift. ;-D I packed lots of salmiac and candies into a big box plus a new Dean Koontz novel that I knew he hadn't bought yet (he's a big fan of Koontz). He had no idea that I had put a novel in between the candies. YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

Can't wait to spend New Year with MIL and hubby again. More card playing and laughing, that's for sure! Oh, and I got a gift card from hubby, so I just ordered Silent Sorority and two other novels. Can't wait to read it!!! :-D

P.S. Got a lovely surprise from a customer at work. He bought me a pot of pointsettia! Really thoughtful! SO THANKFUL for people like him on earth...

Weird But True

My friend who has PCOS (who was the catalyst of my breakdown last December) has finally given birth to a healthy baby girl. What do I feel about this? PURE JOY!!! Nothing else, THANK GOD!!! I was even able to be there for her during one check-up a week before the baby was born 'coz she was so afraid that they would induce her and I managed to infuse her with positive thoughts. It felt GREAT to be a sounding board for her without any negative thoughts about me, myself, and I.

However, another weird thing has happened again...yeah, my brain has been messing up again with the thought of being pregnant. For some reason even before I got news about my friend's baby's birth, my twisted brain has been "telling me" about that I might get pregnant this month. Crazy, right?

The brain has been telling me that during the 2ww (actually longer than 2ww 'coz my cycle is longer than 30 days) I've been producing so much mucus (more than usual) and my appetite has been over the top, yadda yadda yadda...but now that it's bugging me so much, I can't help but to postpone sending a job application letter 'coz if I am pregnant, then there's no way they'd hire me anyway and I would even reconsider doing this kind of job that I'm about to apply for. I mean, after all it's not THAT easy to get myself pregnant in the first place, so I'm not going to do any physical work that I think may endanger my pregnancy.

You see? Crazy thoughts again...Well, at least this time those thoughts don't come with envy or bitterness towards others. However, I'd sometimes REALLY like to push a stop button so that I can get down from this tiring roller-coaster ride - just as I thought I had stopped riding it, here I go again...

P.S. One time I was tempted to browse through "pregnancy symptoms" again, but I managed to stop myself even before that thought fully developed in my head. Even though I may not be able to stop myself from riding the roller-coaster of hell, I can still control some other things. GO, ME!!!

P.P.S. I think one of the most frustrating parts of infertility is that it doesn't seem as though we could really control ourselves so well - our feelings, our "crazy" thoughts, our obsession...despite our best effort, we still fail...maybe that's one reason why it feels so yucky...