Finnish Father's Day

Yesterday was Father's Day in Finland. Many stores and supermarkets were closed, except for restaurants that offered Father's Day buffets and flower shops. We spent the day at MIL's because I had to work on Saturday. Just the usual: MIL cooked some food and then we played cards. 

When we got back home, I checked my FB account and then I felt mellow because there were a dozen Father's Day greetings and cards in my news feed. Funny thing was that compared to Mother's Day (the Finnish Mother's Day that is), I felt more mellow this time. I think even with the barrage of USA and Finnish Mother's Day greetings and wall posts (the amount was at least 5 times more than those on Father's Day that I found in my news feed), I survived better on both Mother's Days.

Why? I think one reason was because I had prepared myself mentally for both Mother's Days, so I didn't really click and read through all the Mother's Day's greetings and wall posts and I had put on my "complete mental armor" to protect myself against Mother's Day. Plus I still have a mother and a MIL, so I can still do something for them on Mother's Day. That means that despite my sadness of being a non-mom, I can still make someone else happy and in turn it makes me happy (so my sadness is counterbalanced by this).


I think I didn't expect that Father's Day would affect me because I thought it didn't really relate to me, so I didn't put on my mental armor when I checked my FB account. Other than those greetings and wall posts/cards in FB, a friend posted this on her news feed: "So this is the 30th Father's Day I've spent without my dad." And several people commented that it was their XXth Father's Day without their fathers.

I've lost both my father and my FIL and my husband is never going to be a father, so I felt that yesterday I felt a bit hollow and mellow when I was reminded of these things. I had to grieve over those three losses when I read those greetings and especially after I read that friend's news feed. I think what made it hard was also the fact that I couldn't even do anything for my father or FIL anymore. Mind you, I was tempted to buy a gift for hubby and give it to him yesterday, but I don't want to remind him of this loss. Plus it feels inappropriate to say "Happy Father's Day, hubby. I knew you'd make a great father if only you had a chance to be one. Here's a gift for you." I think instead of doing that, I'd rather just give him random gifts on random occasions.

Today my mood is essentially much better, especially after a good day at work. But those moments still managed to surprise me with their unexpectedness. They're like sneaky shadows whose existence is hidden from me on regular days, but every now and then they show themselves and remind me that just because I can't see them doesn't mean that they're not there. But that doesn't matter. What matters most is finding out where and why it hurts and then hugging it till it gets better and giving myself time and permission to take care of myself with lots and lots of TLC.

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Funeral in Mind

Last Friday was FIL's funeral. My very first experience in Finland. It was a lovely funeral as well as memorial service attended by close relatives. I found that the memorial service was very emotional. I didn't really have time to be too emotional before that 'coz I was the designated photographer.

FIL's recent passing brings my own mortality to the front and centre part of my brain. When I accompanied MIL (along with BIL) to choose the plot of land at the cemetery, I was a bit surprised to see that MIL was rather particular in choosing where she wanted to "lay down" with FIL (apparently you can also book the plot ahead of time for yourself and your partner and decide which side you want to choose for your own plot), but I suppose when you think about it, it makes sense 'coz she knows there are people from the next generations who will be visiting the grave (or their graves) later on. So they will be able to pay respect to FIL (and to MIL later on) by planting flowers there etc. 

While trying to find out about the funeral custom here in Finland before my FIL's funeral, I found a woman's blog in Finnish. In one blog post, she wrote a list about her wishes when it came to her funeral arrangement. She was very specific about many things, including the song choices for the funeral, whether or not they should put her obituary in the newspaper, etc. That again made me think...she could afford to be specific because she was confident that there were others who would respect her wishes and make sure that her wishes come true.

It makes me wonder who'll be here "for me" when my time comes. If I should die as a very old woman and if that means that all the other close family members here (including hubby) have gone before me, the only people left would be our two nephews, but then again I'm not really close to them and they live far from here, but I suppose the government will contact them 'coz they're the only relatives left here in Finland and they're the ones who'll have to sort things out (including sorting out my valuables etc.). 

However, when it comes to my own death, I don't really have any specific requests. If whoever is going to take care of my body wants to bury me or cremate me, that's fine with me. Although it'd be nice to have an intimate memorial service for me, but I'm not sure if it can happen considering the fact that I have many more online friends (including my close friends) and my own family members from Indo live far away from here.

But bottom line is that I would like a most practical arrangements for myself after my death. And if I could have one request, it's that everybody who knows me in life should wear colourful clothes instead of wearing black. I want my death to remind them of the preciousness of life. But anyway, for the time being, let's just cherish each day we're still given...

P.S. I'd love to talk about this with hubby but I think I'm gonna wait a while 'coz it must still be too raw for him...
 

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Mercy

Visited FIL in the old people's home on Father's Day last Sunday. Having been an Alzheimer's patient for years, his condition is slowly but surely getting worse. Even when MIL was still taking care of him at home, it was clear how tough it was to take care of him on her own, especially since one of the medication made his body stiffer than ever!!! They changed the medication, but it made him restless at nights and she couldn't sleep at all because she was afraid he may leave the house or fall down. After all, she's been wearing hearing aids since she was young, so she couldn't hear anything much without the hearing aids (have to shout really loud if she's not wearing them).

Watching FIL being a bed-ridden patient is tough. Must be especially tough for MIL, who deep down still wants to take care of him at home, but she just can't do it anymore. It took two healthy nurses a lot of time just to change his diaper and clean him up. MIL can't possibly do that anymore, especially since FIL's legs aren't as strong anymore to hold his own body weight. 

Every time I visit FIL, I'm reminded of mercy and it makes me think of my old age. If God gives me a long life where my health deteriorates in ways I may not possibly guess, unless hubby can take care of me at home, I'll be at the mercy of other people (strangers). 

I hope that if strangers have to take care of me when I'm "not myself" anymore, I hope they'll have mercy on me. Some people become so belligerent when they get older whereas some, like FIL, become so passive. Some manage to stay relatively healthy until the day they die (like my Dad who could still wash himself and did many things on his own until the day he got the heart attack despite the onset of dementia). 

I'll never know what'll happen to me, but seeing FIL makes me want to send a wish to God that if something like this happens (either I become belligerent or I have dementia or Alzheimer's), then I hope my caretaker(s) will have mercy on me and will forgive me for my actions/words if I become such a different person later on.

The quality of mercy is not strain'd, 

It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath: it is twice blest;
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes.

- Shakespeare

What A Luxury!

* cross-posted with my non-IF blog *

Spent the night at MIL's house 'coz R2 had to go to Rovaniemi for 2 days, so after work on Saturday I went straight there. We played cards, had sauna, and we had some serious talk as well about different topics.

All of a sudden she started talking about the past and FIL then started crying. And she made my eyes wet as well. After spending so much time taking care of the kids, farm, cows, her own mother and then her own in-laws, she had wanted to enjoy the rest of her life with her hubby.

Now that my FIL has been taken to an old people's house (his Alzheimer has gotten even worse), she can't even enjoy that luxury anymore. Not that she doesn't want to. She said that she was still thinking if she could still take him back home, but she can't do it on her own and she can't afford having someone to live with them to help her take care of him. You see, the other week she visited FIL and then FIL said that he felt like he was nothing, a nobody. I almost wished that he would lose more consciousness so that he wouldn't think about anything like this anymore, you know? But then I wonder if that's such a great wish...sigh...

Anyway, MIL sprained her arm and then last week she sprained her leg and she realized that she had to accept reality. Due to the arm and leg sprains, she hadn't been out for a few days and when we visited FIL yesterday (together with R2), the nurse said that he had eaten very little that day. Both the nurse and MIL were wondering if he didn't want to eat properly 'coz of longing. MIL brought some bread and homemade salted salmon filet, bananas, and also yoghurt and so we waited for FIL to eat them all (he could still hold bread and bananas himself, but MIL fed him the yoghurt). And he did eat them all with gusto, I must say.

Then MIL told FIL that she had to go for almost a week to Rovaniemi 'coz they have this program for the elderly that offers exercise program and it's good for her to be able to join this kind of activity. And after FIL heard that, his eyes went wet and I almost wanted to cry...I left the room to give MIL and FIL some time for themselves and R2 also left the room, as well. It was just heartbreaking...Wish I could do more for MIL and FIL, but there's only so much one person can do...

Sniff, sniff...anyway, last night when we went back home, it hit me with a different force than before how luxurious it is for me and R2 to be able to live together under the same roof, to be able to give and take, to be able to enjoy life together. How much we take for granted the life that we have together, every single day...each breath we take, each step we take...day in, day out...how I should cherish these moments while they last...

This is the promise I hold dear...


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