Note: I was planning on posting this on Sunday, but considering the mention of pain I've read by many women prior to the D-day and the fact that I just can't hold it back anymore (LOL!), I'm going to post it now. I hope it helps ease up the pain a little before D-day...at least it was cathartic for me. :-)
This is my tribute to you, a group of fabulous and inspirational women out there. :-) THANK YOU for your existence, even though I wouldn't have wished to meet this way. (((HUGS)))
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Dear mommy,
Happy Mother's Day! Surprise! It's a letter from the other side. Yes, I would have been your child if the situation had been different. I know that you've never received a Mother's Day letter from anyone and nobody has ever called you mommy, so this year I decided to send one to you because I miss you lots and lots.
I just want to thank you for wanting me and missing me so much. I know how much you have tried to have me and how tough it has been for you. Nobody else has ever wanted me that much, your own flesh and blood, your very special own. I know it was very very difficult for you to let go of me, but I'm comforted by the fact that it's getting easier for you to continue your life without me. Those nights when you were crying? My soul was hugging yours, did you feel it? When you cried for me, I cried with you.
How I wish I could be with you and write these words in my own handwriting and present this letter to you on Mother's Day with plenty of hugs and kisses, but this is the only way I can think of to connect with you: speaking to you via this soul bridge.
Don't worry about me, mommy, because there are plenty of others here with me, the ones that didn't make it. Just like me, they wish they could be with their mommies, but I'm not lonely because I have them here with me. I just hope you're not too lonely there without me.
Mommy, take good care of yourself because otherwise I'll worry about you. I want you to live a full life without me and be happy. If we could be together right now, I would tell you that you're the only mommy I've ever wanted and that I'm SO lucky to have you, just like I know you would say those words to me.
I love you always and forever, my one and only mommy.
Lots of hugs and kisses,
Your would-have-been and most wanted child
P.S. This is the version I'm going to share in FB (click to see a bigger view):
Yesterday was Father's Day in Finland. Many stores and supermarkets were closed, except for restaurants that offered Father's Day buffets and flower shops. We spent the day at MIL's because I had to work on Saturday. Just the usual: MIL cooked some food and then we played cards.
When we got back home, I checked my FB account and then I felt mellow because there were a dozen Father's Day greetings and cards in my news feed. Funny thing was that compared to Mother's Day (the Finnish Mother's Day that is), I felt more mellow this time. I think even with the barrage of USA and Finnish Mother's Day greetings and wall posts (the amount was at least 5 times more than those on Father's Day that I found in my news feed), I survived better on both Mother's Days.
Why? I think one reason was because I had prepared myself mentally for both Mother's Days, so I didn't really click and read through all the Mother's Day's greetings and wall posts and I had put on my "complete mental armor" to protect myself against Mother's Day. Plus I still have a mother and a MIL, so I can still do something for them on Mother's Day. That means that despite my sadness of being a non-mom, I can still make someone else happy and in turn it makes me happy (so my sadness is counterbalanced by this).
I think I didn't expect that Father's Day would affect me because I thought it didn't really relate to me, so I didn't put on my mental armor when I checked my FB account. Other than those greetings and wall posts/cards in FB, a friend posted this on her news feed: "So this is the 30th Father's Day I've spent without my dad." And several people commented that it was their XXth Father's Day without their fathers.
I've lost both my father and my FIL and my husband is never going to be a father, so I felt that yesterday I felt a bit hollow and mellow when I was reminded of these things. I had to grieve over those three losses when I read those greetings and especially after I read that friend's news feed. I think what made it hard was also the fact that I couldn't even do anything for my father or FIL anymore. Mind you, I was tempted to buy a gift for hubby and give it to him yesterday, but I don't want to remind him of this loss. Plus it feels inappropriate to say "Happy Father's Day, hubby. I knew you'd make a great father if only you had a chance to be one. Here's a gift for you." I think instead of doing that, I'd rather just give him random gifts on random occasions.
Today my mood is essentially much better, especially after a good day at work. But those moments still managed to surprise me with their unexpectedness. They're like sneaky shadows whose existence is hidden from me on regular days, but every now and then they show themselves and remind me that just because I can't see them doesn't mean that they're not there. But that doesn't matter. What matters most is finding out where and why it hurts and then hugging it till it gets better and giving myself time and permission to take care of myself with lots and lots of TLC.
glitter-graphics.com
Mother's Day went pretty well - felt a bit bummed due to deluge of Mother's Day's cards and photos in Facebook, but nevertheless nothing worse happened. Had some pregnancy and birth announcements, but at the most it only made me feel like the youngest kid left out from a game. During childhood in the playground where the youngest kid wasn't given permission to play with the older ones ('coz the youngest one didn't understand the rules and all that and the older ones didn't want to bother playing with the youngest one). That's the closest to what I felt.
Spent Mother's Day's eve with MIL (no kids involved) and had a great time. Hubby and I both cooperated in providing the food for MIL so she didn't have to cook. Bought a gift and some flowers, too, which she welcomed with all her heart. :-D
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Anyhow, we had a relaxing and lovely trip to Vienna and the highlight of the trip was the conversation we had with a mutual friend. This woman came to Sodankylä a few years ago and then went back to her home country. Back then we used to hang out every now and then and chat about anything. When she lived here, I was in the throes of TTC, so I shared with her our hopes and dreams.
So naturally after not having met for years, she asked us about baby program. She also told us that she had just started talking about having kids with her boyfriend. So I shared with her what we had experienced until we ended up with our decision to surrender to a life without kids.
She asked about adoption and I explained to her our decision. I didn't take it the wrong way 'coz I know she cared. Actually, sharing what I know about adoption and the maximum age difference between the parents and the adopted child made her think. She's now at my age when we started TTC, so she wants to learn more about her options IF for some reason the natural way doesn't work (though I hope it'll work well for her).
What really touched me and made me happy was the fact that she asked R2 about his job and life and R2 said, "I'm happy." It's one thing to hear from your spouse that he's happy, but it's a different thing to hear him say to someone else that he's happy in life. The unsaid words are "even without kids". :-D So I'm THANKFUL for this memory.
glitter-graphics.com
