Me: "What's more important for you: being a Dad or having your own flesh-and-blood?"
Hubby: "Dunno."
Me: "Okay, how about this...do you still want to have kids?"
Hubby was quiet...probably trying to think of how to answer the question without hurting my feelings (which I'm VERY grateful for!).
Me: "Do you feel this way: 'If babies come, then they're very welcome, but if they don't come, then it's fine, too'?"
Hubby: "Yes."
Me: "Actually I also feel that way, 'coz I don't want to be obsessed anymore. Life's good, anyway, right?"
Hubby: "Yes."
I felt GLAD after we had our talk and I knew he felt glad too. I'm HAPPY 'coz we're on the same page and none of us needs to feel the burden of knowing that the other one is still so desperate in TTC.
On the other hand, it still feels like there's this little voice in me asking, "Does it mean that we're giving up?" I certainly don't know. I mean, I do still have that wish to have a baby (esp. if I see pics of my friends' babies), but I start wondering if we're really meant to be parents. Well, at least our sex life has gotten MUCH better than when we were still so actively TTC (with no result) and we'd definitely continue making love 'coz sex is a part of marriage that we want to keep alive. Anyhow, even if we do look like we're giving up, it's our life and it's our choice, anyway, and other people should respect our decision.
I'm not really waiting for God's timing or miracle anymore (at least these days I don't feel that way in terms of having a child/children). I'm just holding on to Him, knowing that He has the best plans for us. I do my best to keep counting all the little and medium and big blessings that He's poured upon us. I don't know what the journey will be like 'coz I have the feeling that it's still a long journey (after reading many blogs stating that even after they stop TTC due to age, they still feel some grief or sorrow left when they're reminded of their lost dreams) and this blog will be the witness of that journey. :-)))
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Sounds like a great conversation. I keep trying to have a similar one with my hubby, but I can't get him to open up about it. I kind of feel that he's mostly doing this for me and would be fine either way. Sometimes that makes me glad and sometimes that makes me sad.
ReplyDeleteBut, not feeling obsessed is definitely a good thing. I hope it helps you feel good about it all!
Thanks for stopping by my blog! :)
Oh, and I love the crazy cross-eyed cat pic! :)
ReplyDeleteRebecca: THANKS for dropping by and sharing with me. I understand what you mean about the conflicting feelings of gladness and sadness. It's really tough 'coz IF hits both us and our spouses and we love our spouses and we want to consider their needs and wants, but we also have our own needs and wants...as long as you both team up and agree to do something (or not to do anything), I guess that'll be fine nonetheless. :-)))
ReplyDeleteYeah, at this stage I feel lighter about not having any baby program to try he he...
Glad to know about the cat pic. I love cats he he...:-D