Pain Triggers

Was talking to a wise friend about our IF journeys and she told me this: "Just remember, everybody has pain triggers."

That's very true, isn't it? Her words remind me to keep things in perspective and that no matter how hard we try not to hurt others, there's bound to be something we say/post that triggers the pain in someone else's heart because we don't know the pain triggers in their lives. 

I think this is made even more acute with sites like FB where people get to share many things with whomever they choose. For example: a travel extensive friend has posted lots and lots of travel photo albums, to which a mother of two young children commented, "Owwwww...I can probably only start doing that at the earliest 5 years from now."

A father with a young child replied to the comment, "Yeah, the same goes for me, too!" 

And of course as IFers, we've had our own shares of pain triggers from sites like FB. Let me end this post with some quotes instead...

“It was books that taught me that the things that tormented me most were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, or who had ever been alive.”
- James Baldwin

“Forgiveness has nothing to do with absolving a criminal of his crime. It has everything to do with relieving oneself of the burden of being a victim--letting go of the pain and transforming oneself from victim to survivor.”
- C. R. Strahan“

“Pain is a part of life. Sometimes it's a big part, and sometimes it isn't, but either way, it's a part of the big puzzle, the deep music, the great game. Pain does two things: It teaches you, tells you that you're alive. Then it passes away and leaves you changed. It leaves you wiser, sometimes. Sometimes it leaves you stronger. Either way, pain leaves its mark, and everything important that will ever happen to you in life is going to involve it in one degree or another.”
- Jim Butcher

Quote sources: here and here

On Forgiveness

During my IF journey, I'm reminded over and over again of this lesson. Forgiveness. 

Forgiving myself over and over again whenever I felt all those nasty things that made me become my own worst enemy. Forgiving myself after I snapped on some friends who meant well, who were at a loss on what to say. Forgiving them who said all the wrong things despite their intentions. Forgiving myself for being jealous and for not being able to be happy when I saw pregnant bellies. Forgiving myself for not being able to say "congratulations" sincerely when I heard pregnancy news. Forgiving strangers or semi-strangers who flippantly said "just relax" or even joked about our infertility or said "you can just adopt". Forgiving myself on bad days when I felt like being cynical towards the whole world.

Forgiveness isn't an easy lesson, especially when one is hurting and bleeding inside. 

Here are some quotes I love about forgiveness:

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. 
- Suzanne Somers

Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness. 
- Marianne Williamson 

“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."
- Mother Teresa

Quotes taken from here and here.

Too Close To Home

I've just realized how "distorted" my view is when I'm dealing with my friend's miscarriage despite my efforts not to mix her grief with mine. Just today I realized that my IF glasses had blown up some of her words and made me hear sirens in inappropriate places. She got confused about some of my responses because they weren't relevant to her situation. GAH!!!

I don't know if I can take off my IF glasses completely or not, but next time I'm going to be extra careful not to project my own experiences with hers. After all, each loss is different.  I've also tried basing my responses on some of the miscarriage stories/blog posts I've read, but again they may not be relevant to her situation. Oh well...all I can do is just try my best.

This is the first time I've felt that my IF glasses truly backfired against me. It's weird 'coz in the past I have also met some people who miscarried, but this one hits too close to home, I suppose. After all, at one point in time we were supposed to start TTC together, though she and hubby postponed it until later. I need to really separate myself from her experience. Thankfully I have this blog to let out anything I want to share.

Let's see how I fare next time. Another lesson in learning to forgive myself, I suppose... 

Additional note: Come to think of it, I'm thankful that we didn't TTC at the same time (or almost at the same time). It could've been so destructive if we had tried almost at the same time, esp. during my darkest IF moments. *shudder*


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Will

A while ago a friend talked about writing a will in her FB page. She and her DH has an adopted child (mind you, she can't have her own children due to hysterectomy and for a long time Indo people and her relatives thought that she would never get married 'coz they thought that no Indo man would want a woman who couldn't bear children - and no, the hubby isn't Indonesian). Anyway, she said that she had written a will on what to do if she and her DH died for some reason. She wants to make sure that the relatives would know their wish concerning their child.

The discussion tugged some strings in my heart. Before TTC, even before we were planning to have kids, I had wanted to give away some family heirlooms to our children later on in the future. Once the TTC dream ended, though, I didn't really think about the heirlooms anymore.


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The discussion triggered some soft spots in my heart, so I wrote in her FB page that if I died first, I would love for hubby to be able to give the family heirlooms to my brother so that he can pass on the family "inheritance" so to speak. I don't care what happens to my other belongings on earth or even my money if I should die first, but the jewelleries...They're not particularly expensive, but I know that my Mom had kept them safe for years and years and years because of their sentimental value. I still remember playing dress-up in my parents' bedroom and putting them on when I was a child.

Infertility is a very tricky thing. There are so many unexpected things that can turn my focus from someone else's life towards my grief, my infertility, the things that IF has robbed from me, the holes in my heart. And every time I experience that, I have to learn to forgive myself for doing that ...but I hope that by learning to forgive myself, I can learn to forgive others even better...and I sure do hope everybody along the way who's seen the ugly side effects of IF on myself would forgive me, too.

Note to self: What my other friend experienced that I wrote in the previous post (miscarriage) made me sentimental also because it reminded me of the days when we were still so hopeful, when we would do whatever it took to be able to get pregnant, when I was still paying so much attention to my body and my cycle and my fertile day, when every month I felt "This is the month!!!", when I let myself think about how the baby would look like, etc. etc. etc. It's bittersweet to look back on those days...because I know where we are now - happy and empty-armed.

Forgiveness

The more I reflect upon my own weaknesses as a human being, especially in terms of forgiveness, the more I'm in awe at what Jesus said:

"Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."

- Luke 23:24

For when I hear something disturbing from well-meaning people that poked at my IF scars, it's SO hard for me to forgive them, even when I know that more often than not, they don't mean to hurt me. 

Today I nailed my pains and anger and hurt at the cross...and sang this song: