It's Just Life

Dunno why but lately I've heard a voice in myself saying to me lots of times, "It's just life." It applies to this IF journey as well as other situations in life. Even if I'm not a mother in the end, so what? That doesn't mean I'm nothing. God loves me just the way I am. He knows the number of hair on my head and He was the one who knit me inside my mom's womb.

Speaking of God, I've also had some thoughts. When things go wrong and God "doesn't seem to listen" even though we've given it our all, it may be because He wants us to surrender fully to Him instead of depending on our own power/ability/efforts.

In today's world where this motto is really loud: "You can do everything if you just do it and work hard for it", maybe God wants to tell me through infertility that: "You CAN achieve many things through ME, not through your own strengths or ability or efforts."

However, I'm not expecting God's miracle anymore in terms of infertility. It doesn't really matter anymore. He's created MANY more wonderful miracles on earth that I can enjoy and I can share with others these beauties through photos and videos.

I took some pics today while riding my bike from work to my place. It was -21'C and the sky was so lovely that I had to take pics with my mobile (thank GOD for technology!!!)

First pic: look at the ends of my hair! I had ridden my bike for around 10 minutes, though I had stopped a few times before I took this pic in order to take some sky pics.



Two pics of the lovely sky...

In Love

I'm IN LOVE with this little girl that often comes to the store where I work with her parents. The first time I ever saw her, she immediately said "hi" to me with a smile on her face. She's obviously just started learning to speak, 'coz she can only speak "hi" and "bye". Her smile is VERY cute 'coz her milk teeth are HUGE. Whenever I smile and look at her, she'd smile back at me.

Moreover, the parents seem to love the interaction between us, so they'd encourage her to say "bye" to me whenever they've finished shopping and whenever I wave my hand and smile at her while saying, "bye", she'd do the same thing. Such a cute angel! I always feel EXCITED whenever I see them in the store he he he...

For those of you who pray, please pray for my MIL. My FIL has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's a few years ago and his condition is going down rapidly. Please pray for comfort and strength to carry on. THANKS in advance for all your prayers!!!

In the meantime, let me share some winter pics from here...the other day hubby went for a pre-Xmas party with his boss and coworkers and I just LOVE technology sometimes 'coz it allowed me to send a pic along with my SMS he he he he...

Father's Day Lament

Today I found this lovely poem that made me daydream. I haven't dared daydreaming about my non-existent child 'coz I know that'd only make me feel sad, but for some reason today when I read the poem, I just couldn't stop being absorbed in it. It's simply too beautiful not to be enjoyed fully...it leaves me feeling happy and sad at the same time - sad when I have to get back to the real world, but happy while I read the imagery in the poem...

Anyway, without further ado, let me just share the poem here...

Father’s Day Lament

Today is not my day

Though I have a daughter in my mind

For so long, she was there every day
Helping me pet the dog
Listening to my stories
Greeting me when I came home

I’d tuck her into bed at night,
I’d make her a midnight snack.
As she slept, we’d watch her
Carefully counting her every hair

Then the time came
When she was no longer there
Every day

Time changes us
It alters desire
It dulls memories
Time heals all things
But often - healing involves scars

She is with me less now, but today I see her
Dancing in the backyard
Laughing and twirling, twirling and laughing

She beckons me to join her
I whisper, “I have loved you so much.”

She fades into the light
All that remains
Is sunlight and shadow on leaves

Today is not my day

June 15, 2008

poem written by: Dan T. Davis
author of:
Infertility's Anguish
The Blacksmith's Gift

Peace and Hope

Cross-posted with my personal blog:

This year I haven't had time to come up with any ideas for Blog Blast for Peace. For one thing, this year I'm skeptical about peace on earth after having read so much "hate-filled junk" in the cyberspace. There are some people who just love unloading themselves in other people's space and create friction. Last year I was so full of hope when I joined in Blog Blast for Peace. I don't know if that means I'm getting more cynical or pessimistic or what, but I sure don't want to lose my hope in mankind.

One site that makes me feel good about mankind is:

Gives Me Hope.

I've also liked the page in Facebook, so I get notification every time there are new submissions. The site has become my feel-good site. Whenever I feel any doubt about mankind and the effort to create peace, this site never fails to make me feel hopeful. Whenever I feel down, this site makes me feel warm and gooey inside. So even though I'm not participating in Blog Blast for Peace this year, I want to share this beautiful site with you all. It also has some beautiful sister sites like "Love Gives Me Hope" and "Kids Give Me Hope" on the top part of the site.

One example of one entry that I read in Facebook today was this:

TODAY ON FACEBOOK I FOUND a group created by a guy who found someone's camera while traveling. He really wants to return the camera, which is full of memories, but has no idea who it belongs to. 230,000 people have joined the group to pass along the message. Kindness GMH.

UPDATE: The good will of 250,000 people created a stir that rippled into an office in London, where a group of French people were recognized, one being the owner.

Misconception

When I first started having baby fever (around the 2nd month of TTC back in 2008) and when the baby fever started going stronger and stronger, I shared about it with my closest friends. Having known me for at least 15 years, they know my character very well.

After a year had passed by and then we were officially into the "infertile" group, I started browsing for many online sources on infertility and I read so many infertility blogs 'coz I felt alienated in my turmoil. I shared my findings with my closest friends and a few months after I began sharing my findings with them, one of them told me this, "You know, when you first started having your baby fever, at first my thought was 'Oh no, here she goes again' 'coz I thought you were just being you. That's the Amel I've known. BUT after reading your stories about how many other women out there who've experienced what you've experienced in terms of the turmoils you felt and how crazy it looked to me, I began to understand that it's a common theme in many people who are actively TTC."

I have to admit that I was rather stunned when I read her sentences, but I understand why she wrote those words 'coz I AM an intense person in many ways compared to my closest friends. I LOVE planning way ahead of time and anticipating things (esp. good things). When I got back to Indo in October 2008, I deliberately bought bigger sized pants and the type of tops that would fit me even if I got pregnant soon. I told my friends about this and thus they must have thought that it must've happened 'coz I was who I was (the intense planner). But now I realize that other people also do this in anticipation of their upcoming pregnancies.

Well, after a year passed by, when I was really down and out, I CURSED myself for having bought those oversized clothes. I was really angry and disappointed, but now I don't feel that way anymore, though I'm not going to buy any oversized clothing anymore.

glitter-graphics.com

Anyway, enough rambling. In a way, I also feel that I don't really belong in the IF world 'coz of these reasons:

a. We've not tried any treatment and we've decided not to pursue any kind of treatment, though that doesn't mean we'll stop trying naturally (although it's not really actively TTC 'coz we've stopped timed sex months and months ago).

b. I've never got pregnant and thus I've never experienced any miscarriage, so I can't really relate to those who've experienced that.

c. Menopause is still far away, so I can't really say that I have accepted FULLY living childless 'coz God knows if He's going to give us kids later on before menopause comes or not. And until menopause comes, I don't think I can still keep that whisper of hope shut. But that doesn't mean that I haven't tried learning to live childless, either.

d. We've not decided on adopting yet and as time goes by, it doesn't seem more likely for us to pursue adoption.

It feels like I'm in between both worlds: the world of IFers who're still trying their hardest to get pregnant or to have a baby through adoption and the world of IFers who're "over the hills already" (those who're now living childless).

How do I feel about all this? Nothing much. Just stating the facts and just wanting to record my journey in this blog. I still feel a tug in my heart (depending on my mood and whether PMS strikes or not) whenever I see small children, but my logic's still strong when it comes to acknowledging how life's much simpler without children ('coz I can be as selfish as I can be: I can sleep late, get up later when I'm not working, we can travel and not think about anything else other than the fund, etc. etc. etc.)

P.S. It's been snowing today, but the ground temp. is still above 0'C, so the snow melts right away. Can't wait till snow stays on the ground, making everything looks brighter. Let is snow, let it snow, let it snowwww...

Happiness Today, Hope Tomorrow

Phoebe from Phoebe Gone Wild shared this award with me and I'm HONOURED to get it. THANK YOU, Phoebe!

So here are the rules: The rules are easy - you put that picture up on your blog and you post about one thing you're happy about right now and one thing that you are hoping for in the future. And then you pass the award along.



I've gotta be honest that it's gonna be TOO difficult for me to write just ONE thing that makes me happy 'coz they are the simple pleasures in life, but anyway I'll write 10 of them:

1. How I've found wonderful human beings through the internet and the blogosphere to share my ups and downs, to support and encourage and understand me. Not just the IF community, but my other regular blogging friends. I would never have made it without all of you people.

2. When I've been whiny and annoying (in my own ears/mind), yet hubby still tells me, "I love you anyway, honey." That is one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard in my life.

3. Watching autumn colours, especially the red colour (my fave autumn colour) surrounding me...and noticing a squirrel running about cautiously in our yard.



4. Being able to sleep as long as I needed during my sick leave until now I'm fully well again.

5. Imagining raking up the dead leaves into one huge pile and taking pics of that pile of dead leaves sometime on my free days during the upcoming weeks - it'll be the FIRST time ever that I've ever done such a thing in my entire life. I'm SO excited!!!

6. Hubby let me eat the last cup of chocolate pudding. (FYI: I bought 4 cups and ate 2 cups, but when the last cup was still in the fridge, I asked hubby if he wanted it or not and he said, "Nah, you can have it 'coz you like it so much.")

7. Cooking lasagna together with hubby 'coz I can't make the cheese sauce as well as he does and then eating it together while it's still hot.

8. Holding hands with hubby every time we watch TV or a movie together.

9. Being able to save money during the time I've been having this part-time job (and hopefully it continues).

10. Riding my bicycle. 'Coz I can't drive a car, it's very handy for me to be able to ride my bike to work and supermarkets.

OK, I think that's long enough. I'm going to pass on this award to: jrs.

Flashback to Pre-IF Days

One of my close friends is going to TTC next year and these days when she plans future trips, she often adds, "Well, that's if I haven't gotten pregnant by then" or "BUT if I get pregnant before then, it means I have to change my plans."

After reading similar sentences a few times, I felt a tug in my heart. I was made uneasy by that tug 'coz I wasn't sure if it was jealousy/envy or something like that, so I did some soul-searching and realized that it was actually something else.

That type of sentence took me back to my pre-IF days, when we were just starting TTC, when we were still a tad afraid of "losing our freedom" if we had gotten pregnant so easily. I was reminded of a time when I felt that I would be pregnant that very month, when I still often thought about how our child might look like with a hopeful heart and a smile on my face (not with a heart filled with 10% hope, 30% dread that I might get disappointed that month and that would trigger the all-familiar roller-coaster IF storm, 60% doubt that it'll ever happen). I was taken back to the innocent pre-IF days and it made me feel sentimental.


glitter-graphics.com

It reminds me of how much IF has changed me and that I can't go back to my innocent pre-IF days. During my pre-IF days, hope seemed like a flower blossoming so beautifully in summer, enticing me to smell it and bask in its scent and beauty. After facing IF, hope still looks like a blossoming flower, but 'coz I've been pricked over and over by its thorns until I bled so much, I'm afraid of coming too close to it, so I'm just admiring it from afar. It's still there, it's not dead, yet I'm getting too scared of it. During my pre-IF days, I didn't even realize that the flower had thorns. Strange but true...

Anyway, that was the essence of the tug in my heart that I felt when I read my friend's sentence. As usual, it feels great to finally understand what went on when I read her emails. For all its worth, through IF I've met so many other people that I wouldn't have known before. I've also learnt so many things along the way that I wouldn't have learnt before, for example: I know more now than ever that I've picked the right guy to be my husband. So, IF, THANK YOU for having let me understand a world that I never would have understood otherwise.