Today had a chat with a friend. He said that he was going to have a second child next month. I felt HAPPY for him, but when he started asking the typical questions, I felt my defensive front rising up.
As usual, he asked, "When are you going to have a child/children?"
I said, "Go ask God and then tell me about it."
He said, "Hey, I'm not a psychic. How can I know the future?"
I said, "There you go...there's your answer. If you had asked when we would be making a baby, I could answer you, but if you ask me when we're going to actually have one, I can't answer that, can I?"
He said, "OK, let me rephrase then: have you ever thought about wanting to have kids?"
Doh!!! I'm getting tired of this type of question, but I was in a good mood, so I answered him anyway.
I said, "We have been trying for 2 years now with no result."
He asked, "Ah, we also had trouble with our second one. It took us a year and 7 months to get pregnant. We tried to time our intercourse every month to no avail, until eventually we gave up and just as we gave up, we got pregnant that month!"
Yep, the typical insinuation from the good-intentioned people that "if you stop trying, you'll get pregnant".
I simply replied, "Well, we've stopped actively trying already months ago."
And just as prediction, the good-intentioned guy asked, "Have you checked yourselves up?"
I explained to him our decision and then came the usual suggestion, "Why not try insemination or something like that? I know some friends have tried and it works for them."
I was thinking at that time, "Yeah, sure, I know you have good intention and you probably want to tell me not to give up, but you DO NOT KNOW FOR SURE that children are God's plans for us."
I managed to write, "Well, we've just decided that we don't want to try anything else 'coz I know some people who've tried everything, yet nothing works for them."
And sure enough, he continued with a dose of hope, "I'm sure you'll have your own kid(s) someday."
So I voiced my thought in a non-aggressive way, "Well, I've learnt to be thankful with or without kids. Besides, you'll never know if God really wants us to have kids or not, right?"
He finally said, "Yes, you're right. God's plans are always the best and His help never comes late nor early."
Yeah, yeah, can we change the subject now, please? was what I had in mind at that time. At least he didn't start asking the other typical question: "Why don't you adopt?" Then I'd definitely blew up ha ha ha...
It seems to me that good-intentioned people want to:
a. Know if we really do want kids or not.
b. If we do want kids and we have tried for a while without any result, then they would give us different pieces of advice on what to do.
c. If we have decided not to try anything or we've tried many things with no result, then they'd ask why we don't just adopt. ---> and it really amazes me that those people who have NEVER really had to even think about adoption are the ones who usually ask this question.
d. Then they'd usually end with a good dose of hope and or Biblical quotes: I'm sure you'll have kids someday, just think positively...yadda yadda yadda...
Phew!!! Well, pardon me for having a defensive front. I'm having my PMS right now and I just need to vent. It was good enough that I could control myself and not use capitals in my replies to him or growl in text he he he...
Anyway, on a positive note, I feel HAPPY that I manage not to kill any of my plant babies so far (thus proving it wrong that I'm a plant killer)...and hope that flowers will bloom sometime next month...
A pic of my babies in our garden:
I miss the daycare kids, especially the ones who were closer to me than the others. I find myself reliving all the wonderful memories I've had with them. Well, one good thing is that the teacher told me I could come and visit them if I feel bored at home. So I can always visit them sometime later, though it won't be the same, but still...
Just now I have this voice in my head saying these words:
"My hope doesn't lie in the thought/belief that I will have my own children someday. My hope lies in the knowledge and belief that He will sustain me no matter what. His grace is sufficient and it is beyond understanding. My hope lies in the knowledge that He cares and He knows my feelings and He can and has healed my bleeding wounds and if there are other bleeding wounds in the future, He can and will heal them."
And that is enough for me, even if no kid will ever be my own.
glitter-graphics.com
Yesterday I said goodbye to the kids at the daycare and THANK GOD I didn't shed any tears. They made me a farewell card and the teacher gave me a little gift and we hugged and she told me to come by anytime I felt bored at home.
I'm glad that I could let go peacefully. It helped A LOT that I had had my period a few days before the farewell day and that the kids who were closest to me weren't there that day - some of them have started their summer holiday with their parents.
Right now my future is a complete sheet of blank paper. Because I can't do this type of training anymore, my choices are starting my own business, going back to school (or more like applying to go back to school next month if they are still accepting students to enroll), or try to find a job. However, I'm NOT going to think about anything yet 'coz I just want to enjoy the present. I want to just enjoy summer and do a major clean-up of the house as well as learn how to plant seeds.
Anyway, speaking of infertility, I think I haven't written about this one negative thought that occurred when I was so down while battling infertility. Due to the fact that I was so bad at taking care of some cactus that my MIL gave me, my brain attacked me with this thought: "Just look at how incapable you are at taking care of the cactus. No wonder God hasn't given you any kids 'coz you're not even able to take care of the kind of plant which is supposed to be easy to take care of."
Yeah, extreme self-blame as an effort to understand the whys and the wherefores. I'm glad I've stopped asking why. The quest to find out the answer(s) of that question is an impossible one.
Right now I'm just savoring all the memories I've had with the kids at the daycare. Goodbye is a natural phase of life - sometimes it's a forced occasion, sometimes not. I'm just going with the flow, trying to enjoy each season of life as best as I can.
glitter-graphics.com
Yep...not going to think of the last day when I have to say goodbye to the kids at the daycare. I'm just going to believe that I'll be fine 'coz I've got so many people praying for me so that I can control my tears in front of the kids. They're "on a loan" for a short period of time only - the angels that are funny, cute, challenging, creative, smart, witty - and when it's time to part with them, it's time to part with them.
One friend of mine said that even if I could have continued my training there, I would have to part with the kids anyway at one point. She was right. Rather than focusing too much on my loss, I should just think of all the fond memories I've created with the kids. And I've been playing out those memories in my head - all those beautiful memories with them.
I've learned that it feels SO GOOD to be able to hold a child in your arms - even if that child is not your own child. Especially if that child is not your own child and he or she asks you to hold him/her in your arms. And to hear his/her laughter when I twirl them around is just such a heartwarming blessing that I never thought I could have. To have a child kiss and lick my cheeks unexpectedly...to have a child ask me to read a book...to have a child ask me to tie her hair up...to be able to have a sneak peek into a mother's life...such precious experiences.
Note to self: I shall NOT deny any sorrow or grief and I WILL let myself have enough time to grieve, but I WILL NOT let myself drown in my sorrow or grief. If I can't get out of that mud hole myself, I WILL get help.
Yeah, the stab of longing is back after I hadn't felt it in a long while. During our two-week holiday in Rhodes, I saw MANY MANY pregnant women, but at that time I still didn't feel any stab of longing. I was happy to see their bulging bellies and glowing aura. Now I know why I felt happy for them. It was 'coz I was still thinking that I could continue doing my training at the daycare once my current training contract was over. So in my mind during that holiday, I thought that I'd still have at least 4 more months with the kids at the daycare instead of only one more month left.
Now that I know I can't continue doing the training there after asking about this possibility to the employment office, I feel robbed of the joy I've had with the kids there. It's frustrating and sad to know that even though the daycare boss has given me the green light to continue helping out there, but the employment office has the final say. It's sad to know that I only have one month left with the kids and then I have to say goodbye to them.
It's frustrating to know that this has to end now that I know already all their names and their personalities and they've grown to know me better too. It's tough to let go 'coz some of them are getting more and more attached to me. Yesterday when it was time to help the kids take a nap, I wanted to cry, knowing that I only had one month left to spend with them. Sigh...
This fact made me feel that stab of longing when I saw my friend's baby picture in Facebook. When I still thought I could continue doing the training at the daycare, I could look at baby or pregnancy pics in Facebook happily, joyfully, without any stabs of longing...but I'm gonna hold on to the belief that if one door closes, another one opens or if there's no open door, there must be at least an open window. And I don't want to be the one who keeps on staring at the closed door so that I don't even realize the existence of other open doors/windows, no matter how painful it is to let go...
Letting go is so hard...I feel that I've been getting more and more lessons in terms of letting go. But then again, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? Gotta just make the choice to accept what I can't change and be creative in the meantime.
P.S. Heaven help me so that on my last day at the daycare, I WILL NOT cry in front of the kids so that they won't feel confused. God, I'm BEGGING YOU not to let me cry in front of them!!!
I was talking to an IF friend about the fact that we had stopped "actively" trying to have a baby. She said she had also reached that point, but she still got annoyed at all the ass-vices and questions that "good intentioned" and or "nosy" people directed at her. After all, in Indo it's pretty common for people to ask questions about babies 'coz it's still "taboo" for couples to live together before marriage and when they do get married, they're "expected" to have babies soon. But then again if they get a baby "too fast", they'll also be talking about it behind their backs. Indo society is still like that.
I live in Finland and the culture here is different, so I'm rather safe from other people's questions and ass-vices. However, I'm RELUCTANT to go back to Indo now that we've been married for over 3 years 'coz when I go back there again, I'd have to deal with my IF scars again and again and again. My parents' neighbours will definitely ask me about "when are you going to have a baby?" or "still no baby yet?" and even though we're not actively TTC anymore, that doesn't mean that such a question is a welcome.
Just now I got an SMS from a friend who asked me (for the umpteenth time) when I'd get pregnant. I didn't feel the sting that I felt when he asked that question to me beforehand, so I just wrote back: "Only God knows whether I'm ever going to be a mother or not. Right now I'm helping out at a daycare and I'm happy."
Another ex-elementary school friend posted her baby's 4D ultrasound pics in Facebook and I told her that he looked like an angel. She then said, "Come on and make one quickly." I'm happy to say that I was in a good mood, so I didn't feel anything bad when I read her response. I just replied like this, "We're diligent in making it he he he..." However, if I lived in Indo and MANY MANY people kept on saying that to me, I may be bothered still. Or at least fed up.
I've been thinking about WHY those well-intentioned and nosy people's questions might still bother us, even though we've surrendered to the possibility that maybe we'll never have our own kids. Here are some answers that I've found:
1. When other people say "why don't we try this and that?", it makes us feel like there's something WRONG with our state of "surrender". It DOES make sense that they want to "help" 'coz they'd naturally assume that we want to have kids, but when we've reached that point of surrender, when they keep on asking such a question, it feels like our decision is not respected.
Reaching that decision alone has produced enough conflicting thoughts and emotions inside us, so listening to other people's questions only makes us feel defensive. Because in turn it makes us FEEL like we have to defend our decision and it's going to take a LONG time to explain to them why we've reached that decision and there's NO guarantee at all that our long and winding explanation will make understand what we've been through. So that thought alone makes us frustrated, coupled with the fact that it's not our fave topic to share with others (why we've come to that decision), esp. if they're not really close with us.
In Indo, the "easiest way" to answer this question would be, "Just keep on praying for us", but after being asked again and again and again, you'll get fed up anyway and would want to pretend not to hear that question.
2. Somehow when other people insinuate that we should do "more" to be able to conceive, it makes us feel as though we're NOT ENOUGH in society's eyes, like there's something that we need to FIX. They don't understand that just the two of us can be a complete family already, EVEN IF at first we had also shared with them that we wished to have kids.
That's all I can come up with for now...we'll see if I can find other reasons later on.
P.S. LOVE this graphic below!!! God does answer prayers in many ways, sometimes in ways that we don't like he he...
The other day had a chat with one close friend who's still single. She avoided any talk about IF 'coz she knew how badly it affected me in the past and she didn't want to see me hurt. During the chat, I managed to tell her that I was doing MUCH MUCH better now and that talking about IF wouldn't do me any harm.
She then confided that when I was down in my battle with IF, it crossed her mind that in a way, she was also "an infertile" 'coz she couldn't possibly have kids without having a hubby first. (Well, of course in reality she CAN do that if she wants to, but her Mom and family members would probably be against it.) She said that she didn't want to tell me that she also felt down thinking about her own situation when I was telling her about my IF battle 'coz she didn't want me to have any extra burden of thought other than the ones I had when I was down.
Now that I'm at this stage of almost-full surrender (read: I don't talk anymore about baby programs nor do I think of future plans involving babies, but when AF is near, I still harbor the feeling of not wanting it to come. I can also feel VERY HAPPY for other IFers who get pregnant without questioning God about anything. I've also felt OK thinking about the future without kids even to the point that I believe life'll still be as beautiful, if not more), it's clearer to me that the impact of IF is really widespread. I know at least one married close friend who felt guilty for not wanting to have kids yet when I confided to her my darkest moments when facing IF.
I have stopped feeling guilty about many things and I'm more wary now about putting unnecessary guilt on my shoulders. That doesn't mean to say that I don't care about my friends' feelings, but I hope that through my struggle, they can also find their peace - just as I have found my peace.
Talking about work, I had a very sweet moment before I went back home last Friday. Just as I was saying goodbye to all the kids, one of them ran towards me to give me a hug. Naturally I knelt down so that it would be easier for her to hug me. Upon seeing us, three other kids jumped in to give us a group hug and one of them started giggling and saying, "You can't go home, you can't go, you can't go" and the other two chimed in (giggling all the way). I almost fell down 'coz of the group hug and they wouldn't let me go for quite some time he he he he...Finally they did let me go, though...and my heart was SO full of gratitude...
I've started wondering these days who needs who more: the kids or me? Maybe now I need them more than they need me, 'coz they just melt my heart with their unexpected hugs and warmth. And it feels even better 'coz I know they have no "hidden agenda" when they give me warmth and hugs. It's just because they feel like it. Mmmmm...life is really beautiful...
