Sunday, May 2, 2010

The Stab of Longing

Yeah, the stab of longing is back after I hadn't felt it in a long while. During our two-week holiday in Rhodes, I saw MANY MANY pregnant women, but at that time I still didn't feel any stab of longing. I was happy to see their bulging bellies and glowing aura. Now I know why I felt happy for them. It was 'coz I was still thinking that I could continue doing my training at the daycare once my current training contract was over. So in my mind during that holiday, I thought that I'd still have at least 4 more months with the kids at the daycare instead of only one more month left.

Now that I know I can't continue doing the training there after asking about this possibility to the employment office, I feel robbed of the joy I've had with the kids there. It's frustrating and sad to know that even though the daycare boss has given me the green light to continue helping out there, but the employment office has the final say. It's sad to know that I only have one month left with the kids and then I have to say goodbye to them.

It's frustrating to know that this has to end now that I know already all their names and their personalities and they've grown to know me better too. It's tough to let go 'coz some of them are getting more and more attached to me. Yesterday when it was time to help the kids take a nap, I wanted to cry, knowing that I only had one month left to spend with them. Sigh...

This fact made me feel that stab of longing when I saw my friend's baby picture in Facebook. When I still thought I could continue doing the training at the daycare, I could look at baby or pregnancy pics in Facebook happily, joyfully, without any stabs of longing...but I'm gonna hold on to the belief that if one door closes, another one opens or if there's no open door, there must be at least an open window. And I don't want to be the one who keeps on staring at the closed door so that I don't even realize the existence of other open doors/windows, no matter how painful it is to let go...

Letting go is so hard...I feel that I've been getting more and more lessons in terms of letting go. But then again, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? Gotta just make the choice to accept what I can't change and be creative in the meantime.

P.S. Heaven help me so that on my last day at the daycare, I WILL NOT cry in front of the kids so that they won't feel confused. God, I'm BEGGING YOU not to let me cry in front of them!!!

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