Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Surrendering Our Wish

When we first decided not to take any tests or do any medical treatments, it did occur to me that it feels like we're giving up. Even a friend was wondering why we didn't even try to go to the gyno. Well, I remember what one friend said (she's been TTC for almost 5 years with one m/c), "We've gotta keep on trying while surrendering to God's will."

Is that possible? TTC without obsessing at all, esp. during the 2ww (2 week wait)? I DO really want it to happen, though: TTC without obsessing, with as little emotional roller-coaster as possible. That'd feel like heaven!!!

That was one of the reasons I didn't want to do any medical treatments. I have a bit of obsessiveness inside me and especially when I have nothing else to do at home (no job training or course and just staying home with no kids to take care of), it's SO easy to obsess over every little symptom that I experience during the 2ww.

I'm tired of obsessing over the little details and then feeling grief and sorrow and disappointment all over again. Most of all, though, I'm tired of taking other people's words so personally and being defensive, 'coz in the end it makes me feel SO guilty if I can't control myself and I "snap" at other people, esp. if those people are my close friends who mean well and who're just at a loss on what to say.

So I said to myself, "Kill it before it grows!!!" Thus the decision. Good thing hubby supports me. This month is the first month in 20 months of TTC that I don't know what CD (calendar date) it is. Yesterday I met someone in Facebook and added her and she asked me if I had had a son (she obviously saw a pic of me with my brother's son) and I could answer her question without the sting of self-pity and without being reactive.

I realize that during this IF roller-coaster, esp. when you're so very actively TTC (trying everything humanly possible) and hurting so much inside and feeling a degree of loneliness in the process, it's so easy to be reactive to other people and to take things so personally, either to those who are fellow IFers or those who aren't.

I don't want to feel too much pain anymore - heaven help me - 'coz if I'm bleeding profusely inside every single month, how can I share my love with other people (not just with fellow IFers, but also with others who get pregnant easily)? I don't want to keep on asking "why" when I know that I won't probably know the answers until much later - or maybe only after I'm face-to-face with God when I die. I want to make the best out of this life, out of myself.

Here's a message I got in Facebook yesterday (via A Message from God):

On this day, God wants you to know.....that you deserve happiness just because. There is nothing you need to do to deserve happiness. There are no 'minimal requirements' for you to fulfill before you can claim happiness. You deserve happiness simply by virtue of having been born. That's it. Nothing more is required. Be happy.

Right on. That's exactly what I want. I want to be happy without setting any requirement whatsoever - with or without a baby.

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