Subdued...

The other day when I gathered with two friends at one of their places, I realized something again. One of them has a 2-year-old daughter and in just that one occasion, it reminded me that I had no experience whatsoever with kids. I brought some fruit to make fruit salad and I cut them into pieces at her place and I "forgot" that there was a small kid there, so I cut them into bigger pieces - at least bigger than what a 2-year-old can handle. So the mother had to cut them into smaller pieces for her. I felt like saying, "Doh!" to myself and slap my forehead, you know?

Sometimes occasions like this make me feel like I may not be suitable to be a mother. Yeah, self-condemning thought indeed...after all, there are many first time mothers out there who also probably don't know what to do until they have their own kids, I bet.

The first time I felt this way was when I went back to Indo last October to visit my parents and brother. My brother had a 1-year-old son and when I met them, I realized how incapable I was to handle the child. Of course after a few days I learnt how everything was done in the household, so I knew my nephew's daily schedule already and we did play together and over time I felt more confident in holding him and such. However, it did make me feel bad to know that I knew nothing about taking care of kids.

This kind of occasion makes me feel that I'll never be able to "join" the elite group of mommies until I become a mother myself (unless I work in a daycare or something that'll allow me to get more glimpses of how to take care of kids, I guess). How do I feel about that? I guess I feel left out in a way. I dare not give any advice (or ass-vice) to my friends who've got kids 'coz who am I? And I surely can't share with them about my success stories using this and that trick to deal with my kids 'coz I have not got any.

I also feel somehow left out in this village 'coz I still haven't found my place. I still don't know what I want to become and I still don't know what kind of job/career I can have here. I try not to be stressed about it 'coz it'll only make things worse. I'm trying and learning to go with the flow and accept the things I can't change...I think I'm doing a good job so far - though there were times I felt like dark clouds were hanging over me. But life has been GREAT nonetheless. Not perfect, but still we have everything we need and more. I don't want to complain 'coz it'll only attract those dark clouds and I sure don't want to live like that.

I've made a commitment to myself to enjoy every season of life no matter what and I'm going to do my best to keep that commitment. I surrender to this time, place, situation, and condition...that doesn't mean I don't try to find out what I want or reach for my dreams, but that means that I'll do what I can do with the things within my control, but I don't want to be bothered (at least not too much and not for a long period of time) by things outside my control 'coz it'll just ruin my peace of mind. If my peace of mind is ruined, those dark clouds will be back and those people around me will get struck by the lightning bolts coming out of the dark clouds. I ain't going to let that happen, not if I can help it, so help me God!



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To everything there is a season,
a time for every purpose under the sun.
A time to be born and a time to die;
a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
a time to kill and a time to heal ...
a time to weep and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn and a time to dance ...
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to lose and a time to seek;
a time to rend and a time to sew;
a time to keep silent and a time to speak;
a time to love and a time to hate;
a time for war and a time for peace.
~ Ecclesiastes 3:1-8