Monday, January 11, 2010

Thinking Mood

Yesterday AF came again. This time I didn't feel too bad (progress!!!), but self-denial was strangely still strong (which was kinda interesting). When AF first showed up, there were only some spots of brownish blood and a small voice in my head started saying, "Oh, hey, some people also experience that when they first start getting pregnant." I haven't totally let go yet, but still it felt good not to feel too bad about AF's arrival - at least no cursing, no tears, no overwhelming grief.

Last night before I went to sleep, I asked hubby if he knew how long we had been TTC. His guess was more or less right: 1,5 years. Well, actually it's 19 months but we were apart for a whole month when I was in Indo last year, so that didn't count.

Today I started browsing for adoption pages in Finnish 'coz I wanted to know the cost and how long it took. I was SHOCKED to find out that normally it takes AT LEAST 1,5 years. Gee...and the maximum age for the parents are 45 years of age, though some countries want the parents to be 35 years old or 40 years old. That means time is running low 'coz hubby will turn 40 years old next year already.

I'd love to ask him later on what is more important to him: having our own flesh and blood or being parents. I just want to know how long we're going to try to have our own babies - and how far do we want to go if that's the case - or whether we're going to try adopting before next year comes or whether we'll just keep on trying to have a baby on our own (and if that doesn't happen then we'll just stay childless forever).

Choices, choices, choices. There are no easy choices/options. It's kinda sad now when I'm faced with "brutal" choices like these, though that doesn't mean that we won't ever have children 'coz we'll never know what happens in the future, but still it's kinda sad when I think of all the people who can have kids "easily" 'coz they don't have to think about these tough choices.

But anyway, everybody has different problems and challenges and I certainly hope that IF would make hubby and I become closer and closer. After hubby answered my question last night, he asked right away when he was supposed to take the Chinese herbs again. ;-D Well, I should talk about this with hubby sometime, but I should pick the right moment 'coz right now we have plenty of other things to talk about 'coz we're in the process of buying our own house - which is REALLY A BLESSING for us 'coz three years ago, it NEVER crossed my mind that we'd be able to buy a house this soon. It NEVER crossed my mind that we could travel anywhere AT ALL - compared to the fact that we have been travelling a few times already over the past 3 years.

God is GOOD, SO GOOD, SO GOOD. We didn't do anything to deserve getting what we get, but surprise, surprise, He's given us SO MUCH MORE than even our wildest dreams!!!

So today I'm just going to let this fact seep into my very core to wipe away any sadness that I have...and just believe, believe, believe...believe that everything will be fine in the end, even if some dreams aren't meant to come true. Actually, writing these words has helped brighten up my day already! I should really continue writing here then ho ho ho ho ho...

Note to self: Just because I feel what I feel doesn't mean I'm a bad person. It just means that I'm spreading my wings to enrich myself as I get a firsthand experience of different facets of emotions, so that (hopefully) I can become more understanding towards other people when they're experiencing those facets of emotions.

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