So during my search for sanity amidst the storms of IF, I started sharing infertility articles that validated my "plight", but I shared those as a victim. I shared those mostly because I wanted to understand myself and mostly because I felt like screaming out to others, "Look at me!!! I'm in pain. Great pain. Now I'm beginning to understand why. I have the right to feel all this and I am NOT crazy. I know you probably don't even know why I'm in pain. Look at me! Can't you see how many scars I have? Can't you see how much pain some of you have inflicted on me? Can't you??!?!?!?!?!?!?!"
I think the switch started happening gradually but surely after we decided to stop TTC and to surrender to life without kids. It didn't happen over a month or even a year...I think it took more or less two years before my victim mentality was finally taken over almost completely by my survivor mentality. I'm an IF survivor now, though every now and then the shadows of the victim mentality zig-zag in and out of my consciousness.
So nowadays when I share infertility articles, I share them as a survivor. I share them knowing that those who won't open their minds and hearts will probably not understand at all what an infertile may go through, but that those who are willing to listen and open their hearts may be enlightened and that even if only one soul is enlightened and one heart is opened up, then that's for the greater good of mankind.
Amel- thanks for putting words on monitor (instead of paper) for what I have been wondering how far I am on recovery- and you're right, I am a victim- with the mentality. Looking at my Facebook page, I see now and then I'd share posts and meme images to express my feelings, in hoping for at least someone to notice and ask "how are you feeling?"
ReplyDeleteAlthough I admit I am guilty of trying to 'rush' myself, trying to put myself as a survivor, so I'd "move on". I'm a lousy griever, did you know? :P
Sometimes I need to read some blog articles to remind myself to slow down, to work through feelings, to recognize I have a journey with no shortcuts. And your post is certainly one of the reminders that I need. :)
Thank you heartfully.
Julie, (((HUGS))) you're right that it does take time...MUCH longer than each of us would probably like to go through, but everybody needs to take their time.
DeleteI'm glad this post served as a reminder for you. :-) You're very welcome.
Well said, Amel. You continue to grow stronger and
ReplyDeleteYou're helping others to learn and grow, too.
ReplyDeleteP.S. had some technical issues with blogger hence the two part comment!
Pamela, THANK YOU for having paved and shown the way for newbies. Without people like you who've opened up their hearts and souls, I would've been SO lost! *bow*
DeleteI've learnt SO much from you and the others who've gone before me. :-)
It most certainly does not happen overnight, or even in a year, or two. And everyone is different. But isn't it great when you realize that you really HAVE made progress??
ReplyDeleteYeah, it does feel GREAT indeed to know that you've made progress. :-D
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