Why Me?

The question "Why me?" tortured my mind during my infertility journey. I think many of you (if not all) are able to relate to that.


One of the things I found early on was a quote that went like this, "Don't ask 'why me'. Instead ask 'why not me?'"

I knew that it was supposed to be an empowering quote, but in my anger at that time, I couldn't accept that kind of challenge. I didn't like it because thinking about "why not me" didn't appease the anger. So the struggle continued and I was subconsciously trying to find any answer that could appease me. I think I even pretended to shake it off at some point by telling myself that the question didn't bother me and I couldn't care less about it, but it still came out to taunt me every now and then.

Over time one of the things that crossed my mind was that anyone on earth could have asked the "why" question about many aspects of my life. I mean, if you really try to think about it globally...some people who are born with poor, abusive parents in a shitty neighbourhood may just ask me the question, "Why wasn't I not born in your family instead? I'd love to have a proper education, too." I don't know. Why was I the one who was born in my family?

And my mind went even further: Why was that particular person in the wrong place at the wrong time? Why wasn't I the one being kidnapped and abused and killed in such a brutal way? Why wasn't I born in China in a poor family who had to sell me as a rich, old man's concubine in order to pay off their debts? Why wasn't I the one being run over by that drunk driver? Why wasn't I the one left crippled/dead because of that drunk driver?

Mind you, I don't want to experience all the things (who would?), but my mind just went into overdrive. And the more I tried to think of other possible "why" questions coming from different people about any kind of topics available on earth, the only conclusion I got was: "I don't know why. It's just life. It's not fair. It's nothing personal." Funnily enough, that answer and this brain exercise were enough to appease me.  

Another thing that helped me was something that I found by accident. It was a quote that went like this: "If you want to ask why for all the bad things that happen to you, you have to ask the same question for all the good things that happen to you." Slap! Ouch!

Why me? Why not someone else who probably has given the same amount of effort and not less talented than I am? I don't know. That's just life. It's nothing personal. Again and again that was the only answer I could give. But at least this quote that has slapped me on the face has also helped me count my blessings instead of focusing on my troubles. 

Have you been asking the "why" question as well? And what kind of answers have you found along the way? 

P.S. Along the way I also found this Christian blogger who wrote about her faith and the "why me" question: It's Not About Me. 

Maybe I've even linked this post once, but I still think it's important enough to be linked again. Rest in peace, Sara! Your blog continues to be a blessing for me even long after you're gone...

No vs Not Yet

Kathleen's post on how we answer the question "Do you have children?" made me think of my own answers during my IF journey. I remember that in the past, even in the beginning of time after we made a decision to live life without kids, I still automatically answered either "Not yet" or "No, because it didn't work for us."

For a long time I mostly used the first answer. I only used the latter answer whenever I felt defensive. When I started feeling more at peace with our decision to live without kids, I was mad at myself whenever I automatically blurted out "not yet." Now when I ponder upon it, it was actually "easier" to say "not yet" because more often than not, upon hearing the answer, others would simply respond, "Oh, you still have time" or something like that. And the topic ended there.

However, whenever I offered the latter answer, more often than not, people would offer unhelpful-but-well-meaning suggestions. One guy I hardly knew even nervously joked about our infertility because he didn't know what to say (I had a hard time forgiving him and for a long time I kept on repeating the joke over and over in my head which made me fume even more, but now that I'm typing this, I realize that I have no more grudge against him. HALLELUJAH!!!! I'm FREE from that shackle!!! :-D)  


Anyway, I realize that these days my answer has changed into a "no". I was disappointed at myself for a while for having automatically given the answer "not yet" on a few occasions (not many people here ask that question unlike what happens in Indo), so I tried practicing the answer "no" a dozen times in my head, but I never had a chance to use it yet.

However, last week my much younger coworker (21 y.o.) asked that question and I said no (and I didn't feel the need to explain anything to her = I wasn't feeling defensive). 

She asked, "Why not?" I explained to her that it didn't work for us. 

Then she said, "You can always adopt."

I explained to (educated) her briefly that adoption was a complex process and that our ages also had an influence on it. And I added that we were fine even without kids. 

She then asked me how long we'd been married and I replied almost 7 years. Then she stopped asking me more questions because we had to get on with our work. :-) 

P.S. Here's something I made when I was raking the autumn leaves outside. Click to view it in a bigger size.