*cross-posted with my main blog*
Found this video clip and thought I'd give it a try myself because it moved me so much.
Okay, here we go...deep breath...
Dear Amel,
You've come so far in your 35 years of living. You used to be a very shy and quiet girl with some dark, cynical, and pessimistic thoughts. You dragged around other people's faults like chains on your ankles, but you learnt to let go of them one by one when you realized that they were getting too heavy and they were threatening to drown you. I remember how your self-confidence grew tremendously during your university days and how rebellious you were at that time. You started getting to know yourself better during your university days and you started to learn how to be more positive, but the you at that time had no clue what life had to offer in the future. (chuckle)
Even though you had always dreamed of either traveling abroad or living abroad, you weren't actively searching for a foreign spouse, but you found one anyway. And my goodness, I must say that you have chosen the right person despite the fact that you were only with the guy for two weeks in real life prior to deciding to marry him. I know you were scared stiff on the plane to Finland after getting your residence permit via the Finnish Embassy in Indonesia, but I applaud you because you managed to drown out all those voices and just focus on whatever may come.
For the past (almost) seven years of living in Finland and for the past five years of infertility journey, I've seen how much more you've grown and I just wanna say, "WELL DONE, girl!" I especially take my hat off to you for having learnt how to let go of different things and dreams over and over and over and over again. I also love the fact that you don't stop struggling with God and you were totally honest with Him even though you were so angry at Him at some parts of your infertility journey. I know we couldn't have grown like this without the support of all the thoughtful and positive people around us, so we owe them a lifetime of thanks, but still your attitude counts and I enjoy being with you more and more as time goes by and you know what? I'm looking forward to spending more days with you. *wide grin* I respect you, my friend! Here's to us!
glitter-graphics.com
Lots of love and hugs,
Me
P.S. I promise to always try my damnest to be your best cheerleader and BFF. :-D
1. The Important Letter.
I've sent my mom the letter via my brother (I asked him to print it out). It ended up being a 4-page MS Word document (plus a paragraph on the 5th page). Still no word from her via SMS to me. I imagine it's going to take time for her to bury the dream that she's been having for us. I hope the other half of my letter gave her comfort, because the first half talked about my honest feelings when it came to our infertility journey. It was REALLY hard to write the letter and I was on edge the whole day yesterday while waiting for the response.
In the end I contacted my brother via YM and asked him how it went. She said that mom had cried. I was so emotional during our chat in YM and I started crying, too. My bro helped explain to her that I wasn't blaming her and that I knew she meant well, but that I'd like to be supported not by her praying about a miracle pregnancy or by her telling me to keep on praying to get pregnant. I have given her more ideas on what to pray on in the letter, so hope that helps, too. My bro said that she must be sad when she read about our struggles and all the feelings that I had during the tough period of our infertility journey. I sent her an SMS yesterday, telling her that I'm thankful to have a mother who prays for me and that I love her and I ask her not to be too sad because we're doing fine.
2. Infertility and Relationships.
Sometimes I feel that infertility is a double-edged sword. When I was preparing to write the letter for my mom, I knew it would crush her, too. I don't want to crush her dream for us, but I felt that it must be done for the sake of our relationship. I began to feel our relationship cracking and I don't want to lose our relationship. I was struggling to try to find a way on how to crush her dream gently and I hope I have succeeded in doing so.
Other than that, here's also something I wrote weeks ago about infertility and friendship:
"Infertility is a tricky thing to deal
with when you have a pregnant close friend whose pregnancy reminds you of your losses. As much as you'd like your
friends to tell you as many parts of their joys and sorrows and as much
as you'd like to tell your friends about your joys and sorrows, it's not
that easy to figure out the fine line. The fine line where you don't
want to burst someone else's happy bubble by telling them that their
stories trigger very soft spots within yourself, but then again you
wonder if you should let them know about at least some of them because
you want them to understand your journey. The fine line where you wonder
how much stuff you should tell your friends about your feelings because you fear that they
are going to hold back sharing their joys because they don't want to hurt you, but on the
other hand you don't want to miss all the lovely moments even if those
moments trigger some pain within your deepest self."
It IS a shame that infertility is affecting those around me this way, but I welcome the lessons that it's giving me (and other lessons that it will give me in the future).
3. I found this article via an FB share and I LOVE LOVE LOVE it for so many different reasons so I'd share it here too: Confronting the Lie: God Won't Give You More Than You Can Handle.
4. A friend of mine gave me this challenge weeks ago and I've finally found my word for 2014.
My word of the year is “Disentangle”. I need to practise disentangling
myself from any emotional connection or baggage so that I can take a
step back and celebrate other people’s beautiful moments with them
without drowning in grief when their beautiful moments are the ones that
acutely remind me of what I will never have. I want to disentangle
myself from those heavy weights that make me want to crawl or drown in
my grief so that I can stand up and continue my healing journey.
Here's the challenge in case you want to participate: What Will You Choose For Your Word of 2014?
Last but not least, Happy New Year! Wishing you more peace, comfort, and healing throughout 2014!
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