I've noticed some shifts in my healing journey again. I think the further along the way I am in this journey, the easier it is to take the stand of a witness/bystander instead of the victim/the target. I remember back in the days random words could feel like an arrow shot right into my heart or like a stab of a long, serrated blade, even though the speakers of those words didn't mean to hurt me at all.
The other week I had a conversation with my mom who had been getting in touch with her old school friends. She said that some of them had also lost their husbands, but she was just reacquainted with another one who was living alone (no kids). When she was mentioning the fact that she had no children, I felt that she was sorry for her.
However, instead of taking it personally (in the past this would make me feel defensive and hurt), I felt like a bystander. The words amused me and disturbed me a little. It disturbed me not because it hit a nerve in myself, but because I thought that this particular woman may not think of herself as a pitiful human being and that's what matters most. If she herself thinks that she has a pitiful life without husband and children and tells my mom about it, then it's a whole different thing. The words also amused me to a certain degree because of the possibility that my mom could be so wrong.
Another thing I've felt lately is about all those things that parents say about children/parenting/fears on child-rearing. Lately I've read some bonding messages between some mothers concerning child-rearing (not smug parenting talk but real sharing/bonding between parents), but I haven't felt what I used to feel anymore. In the past I used to be upset because those words made me feel like I was less than a human being (couldn't understand what they were going through, couldn't empathize) simply because I wasn't a mother.
These days I think that it's pretty normal/understandable for parents to say those words, because in the same way that those who're in my boat can understand my thoughts/feelings much better than those outside of my boat, isn't it normal for parents to be able to understand more layers of parenting life better than me? I've also been watching how parenting changed people and I noticed that many of them were surprised by the depth and breadth and width of their love for their children and I find it fascinating. I think from an evolutionary POV, it's beneficial for parents to be able to feel this way towards their children. Anyway, from this particular spot where I'm standing, I don't feel that they're trying to disregard my ability to empathize anymore.
glitter-graphics.com
P.S. However, when they say "as a parent" in a public arena, I still feel that it's way too political (I don't like politics), that it's a card that they're playing instead of creating special bonding moments between parents in a more intimate setting.
Nearing the end of the year, my mood has gone up and down. My Christmas mood wasn't spoiled, but I did roll my eyes a few times during the end of the year as lots of movie plots (or TV series) tend to be so predictable when it came to fertility. I was a bit hopeful of the infertility theme in NCIS and was sad as the couple's attempt to adopt was dashed. However, the typical thing happened next. Ugh. And then we started watching "Extant". Another eye roll.
I think for a long time I've been consciously searching for a representation of my kind of story, the kind that doesn't have the miracle that society expects. Alas, I suppose our kind of story doesn't sell. Oh well...it's probably daft of me to search for something like this. I should know better! :-)
This month we decided to go on a mini break (something we had never done before nearing Christmas) and it was an awesome thing to do in the middle of the hustle and bustle of Christmas. In the studio apartment that we rented, we watched "A Christmas Carol" together and outside it was Winter Wonderland. So peaceful. :-)
And then I was lucky enough to enjoy these lovely views on Christmas Day. Lucky enough because I was ready to go out for a walk when this happened because it only lasted for about half an hour. The temperature that day was -25'C. Enjoy the photos and the videos! The sky was totally ablaze all around me and it was one of the moments when you just forget about everything else...mmm...
Here's one of the restaurants we went to on our mini break. I made an e-card out of it.
Last but not least, here are the links to the two videos I made:
Xmas #1 2014
Xmas #2 2014
1. The Important Letter.
I've sent my mom the letter via my brother (I asked him to print it out). It ended up being a 4-page MS Word document (plus a paragraph on the 5th page). Still no word from her via SMS to me. I imagine it's going to take time for her to bury the dream that she's been having for us. I hope the other half of my letter gave her comfort, because the first half talked about my honest feelings when it came to our infertility journey. It was REALLY hard to write the letter and I was on edge the whole day yesterday while waiting for the response.
In the end I contacted my brother via YM and asked him how it went. She said that mom had cried. I was so emotional during our chat in YM and I started crying, too. My bro helped explain to her that I wasn't blaming her and that I knew she meant well, but that I'd like to be supported not by her praying about a miracle pregnancy or by her telling me to keep on praying to get pregnant. I have given her more ideas on what to pray on in the letter, so hope that helps, too. My bro said that she must be sad when she read about our struggles and all the feelings that I had during the tough period of our infertility journey. I sent her an SMS yesterday, telling her that I'm thankful to have a mother who prays for me and that I love her and I ask her not to be too sad because we're doing fine.
2. Infertility and Relationships.
Sometimes I feel that infertility is a double-edged sword. When I was preparing to write the letter for my mom, I knew it would crush her, too. I don't want to crush her dream for us, but I felt that it must be done for the sake of our relationship. I began to feel our relationship cracking and I don't want to lose our relationship. I was struggling to try to find a way on how to crush her dream gently and I hope I have succeeded in doing so.
Other than that, here's also something I wrote weeks ago about infertility and friendship:
"Infertility is a tricky thing to deal
with when you have a pregnant close friend whose pregnancy reminds you of your losses. As much as you'd like your
friends to tell you as many parts of their joys and sorrows and as much
as you'd like to tell your friends about your joys and sorrows, it's not
that easy to figure out the fine line. The fine line where you don't
want to burst someone else's happy bubble by telling them that their
stories trigger very soft spots within yourself, but then again you
wonder if you should let them know about at least some of them because
you want them to understand your journey. The fine line where you wonder
how much stuff you should tell your friends about your feelings because you fear that they
are going to hold back sharing their joys because they don't want to hurt you, but on the
other hand you don't want to miss all the lovely moments even if those
moments trigger some pain within your deepest self."
It IS a shame that infertility is affecting those around me this way, but I welcome the lessons that it's giving me (and other lessons that it will give me in the future).
3. I found this article via an FB share and I LOVE LOVE LOVE it for so many different reasons so I'd share it here too: Confronting the Lie: God Won't Give You More Than You Can Handle.
4. A friend of mine gave me this challenge weeks ago and I've finally found my word for 2014.
My word of the year is “Disentangle”. I need to practise disentangling
myself from any emotional connection or baggage so that I can take a
step back and celebrate other people’s beautiful moments with them
without drowning in grief when their beautiful moments are the ones that
acutely remind me of what I will never have. I want to disentangle
myself from those heavy weights that make me want to crawl or drown in
my grief so that I can stand up and continue my healing journey.
Here's the challenge in case you want to participate: What Will You Choose For Your Word of 2014?
Last but not least, Happy New Year! Wishing you more peace, comfort, and healing throughout 2014!
glitter-graphics.com
