The Baby Is Born

The close friend's baby that prompted me to write these posts Mellow Mood and Funeral of a Dream has been born. It helped to know that she gave us proper hints (she had been active in FB and then all of a sudden one day there was nothing) and then told us (her inner circle) first in a group email along with some photos of her baby before she announced the birth in FB.

I was HAPPY for her, but also couldn't help feeling a bit jealous. After all, this is the first biracial baby in my inner circle and it was DIFFICULT not to have any thought of "this could have been ours". I couldn't help staring at the cute baby photos on the first day. More than three times a day. On purpose. Maybe I'm masochistic (a part of me is suspicious that I did that to gauge just how much I'd react) he he he he...that day I was also thinking of the fact that maybe my jealousy had more to do with the illusion that "some people just seem to have it all - and seemingly so easily" instead of being jealous directly at her and her baby.

What truly helped me that day of the announcement was when another mother in my inner circle sent me a private email, asking me how I was doing. She was truly concerned about my well being after reading the easy birth story as well as seeing the cute baby photos. That really made my day! She's the BEST mommy friend I've ever had and I thanked her profusely because I was just so touched. :-)


Anyway, it's already a week ago when the baby was born and my feelings are more stable. If this had happened three years ago, I probably would have deactivated my FB account (or at least hide her posts and I had a feeling I may even have asked her not to tell me details about the baby or anything) because I was still bleeding inside. So I still believe in this theory. 

I'm further away in my healing now that I am able to read and see her photos without wanting to hide them, though that doesn't mean I want to see/hold the baby in real life yet (thankfully they live far away from here). If I had been invited to the baby shower, I'm not sure I would have been strong enough to come, but then again I wouldn't know for sure because I've never been to a baby shower in my entire life (it's not a common thing to do in Indo). Usually in Indo people just storm to the hospital soon after the baby's born to bring presents. But anyway, glad that the option was taken off my hand (the inability to attend the baby shower), though I have seen the baby shower photos. 

I started looking for a baby gift a few days ago. Our inner circle of friends have this habit of giving something for the firstborn. There are only two of us who have a second child and due to circumstances only the firstborns got something from all of us together as a group. After getting some idea on what to give this baby, it hit me that maybe the others in my inner circle want to join in and they did, though one of us will probably send a different gift for her, but the rest of us is going to join me. I've already sent them two choices and they've already finished voting. Now all I have to do is order it sometime this week. :-) 

I felt excited whilst browsing for a baby gift. The only thing I had to focus on was thinking that I'd love to get a baby gift myself if this had been my firstborn baby. This thought really helps me focus on this baby instead of my infertility (plus my word of the year "disentangle" has been helpful, too).

I won't deny the fact that there may be tender moments later on during the course of this baby's life (and I won't deny my need to grieve whenever it appears or to limit myself to her posts/photos in the future if I need to), but I'm gonna give myself a pat on the back for being able to give a space for her happiness in my heart. It's like a twisted way of giving myself a space for this kind of happiness if I were able to have a child. Or maybe a better way of saying it is that I'm giving my alternate self a space for this kind of happiness in an alternate universe. 

Source: here

A Superhero In My Mind

I wrote this the other day in Gateway Woman Google+ community and it's about time I posted it here for my own personal record.

"Last night the pregnant close friend finally disclosed the gender of the baby. It's a girl, she said.

And then the clash between two worlds started again (I could almost see the two worlds coming closer and closer together, threatening to overlap each other). Then I remembered my word of the year: Disentangle.

The thoughts that came to my brain were: "If only...this could've been my experience...if it had happened to me, my MIL would have been ecstatic (she only has 2 grandsons and three sons, no daughters or grand-daughters and when we were trying she jokingly said she was hoping for a grand-daughter)..."

But then I remembered my word of the year and I had this superhero vision in my head. I was standing tall (pun intended 'coz I'm only 145 cm) in between those two worlds: her experience (her feelings, her happiness, her reality) versus my "could-have-been" (my feelings, my grief, my reality) and I imagined a blast of energy coming out of my palms, separating the two worlds.

Funnily enough, it worked. I could respond to her emails normally, without any emotional burdens. I may not be able to be a superhero in real life, but I can have super powers in my own mind LOL!!! 

OK, I must admit it helps that I'm not having my PMS, but just wanna share that the visualisation was so strong that I was amazed at its benefit on my psyche. :-D

P.S. Because blue is my fave colour, naturally I had blue energy shield coming out of my palms LOL!"


glitter-graphics.com
I must write down some notes here to make sure nobody misunderstands this post above.

First of all, disentangling doesn't mean that I deny whatever it is I'm feeling. It doesn't mean the refusal to deal with my feelings. On the contrary, it helps me be there for my friend without having my own losses and/or grief dampening the cause of her happiness. After being there for her, I can then deal with my own feelings in my own space of choice: either here in my blog or in GW community, which has been such a beloved community for me.

Secondly, I felt such a HIGH for a few hours after writing that post in the GW community. Seriously, when I went to work after writing that post, I felt like walking in the air. I felt so light and I felt like jumping up and down in joy and I felt a rush of energy in my entire body. :-D So I'm writing this down here because I want to know how useful this technique is for the future.