I wrote this the other day in Gateway Woman Google+ community and it's about time I posted it here for my own personal record.
"Last night the pregnant close friend finally disclosed the gender of the baby. It's a girl, she said.
And
then the clash between two worlds started again (I could almost see the
two worlds coming closer and closer together, threatening to overlap
each other). Then I remembered my word of the year: Disentangle.
The
thoughts that came to my brain were: "If only...this could've been my
experience...if it had happened to me, my MIL would have been ecstatic
(she only has 2 grandsons and three sons, no daughters or
grand-daughters and when we were trying she jokingly said she was hoping
for a grand-daughter)..."
But then I remembered my word of the
year and I had this superhero vision in my head. I was standing tall
(pun intended 'coz I'm only 145 cm) in between those two worlds: her
experience (her feelings, her happiness, her reality) versus my
"could-have-been" (my feelings, my grief, my reality) and I imagined a
blast of energy coming out of my palms, separating the two worlds.
Funnily
enough, it worked. I could respond to her emails normally, without any emotional burdens. I may not be able to be a superhero in real life,
but I can have super powers in my own mind LOL!!!
OK, I must admit it helps that I'm
not having my PMS, but just wanna share that the visualisation was so
strong that I was amazed at its benefit on my psyche. :-D
P.S. Because blue is my fave colour, naturally I had blue energy shield coming out of my palms LOL!"
glitter-graphics.com
I must write down some notes here to make sure nobody misunderstands this post above.
First of all, disentangling doesn't mean that I deny whatever it is I'm feeling. It doesn't mean the refusal to deal with my feelings. On the contrary, it helps me be there for my friend without having my own losses and/or grief dampening the cause of her happiness. After being there for her, I can then deal with my own feelings in my own space of choice: either here in my blog or in GW community, which has been such a beloved community for me.
Secondly, I felt such a HIGH for a few hours after writing that post in the GW community. Seriously, when I went to work after writing that post, I felt like walking in the air. I felt so light and I felt like jumping up and down in joy and I felt a rush of energy in my entire body. :-D So I'm writing this down here because I want to know how useful this technique is for the future.
The list below is a long overdue post that I've written halfway through many months ago...I've been busy in Gateway Women Google+ community for women who are childless by circumstance and I've enjoyed myself there. It's nice to know that there are so many supportive women who understand my journey and it's nice to know that I can support many women there because of the childless link among us. It feels GOOD to be in my "own tribe" so to speak, so lately I've shared some things that I usually share in this blog in that community instead.
Anyway, there are several SUPER TOUGH lessons that I'd like to record here in this blog that infertility has been teaching me:
1. To focus on someone else's happiness when you feel like you're transported to a place of pain: in front of rows and rows of your buried dreams.
I think in the beginning of my IF journey, it was practically impossible to do so 'coz my wounds were still bleeding profusely and the pain was too much to bear sometimes. Nowadays it's "easier" to do it, though that doesn't mean I'm not affected at all. I find that I'm most affected during PMS as well as when I feel that there've been too many reminders of this broken dream around me - that's high time for me to step back and take good care of myself.
2. To channel and work on the grief somewhere else (esp. if the person involved is important and you don't want to rain on their parade). I found that this is more difficult than #1, especially if you're in regular contact with that said person and because the said person is important to you, it's tough not to share your vulnerable moments with them, but then again you don't want them to feel bad about you that they stop sharing their good moments with you.
3. To know when to shut up, to refrain myself from saying something unnecessary that is potentially hurtful, to choose my words more carefully to the best of my ability whenever people open up to me about their pains and struggles. I want to master the art of comfort in, dump out.
I find that at times when I feel uncomfortable when I'm facing someone else's pain or struggles that I find hard to relate to, it's easy to say all the wrong things simply because I feel helpless.
4. To let go if despite my best efforts I end up hurting someone anyway. Sincerely say sorry, let go, and start all over again.
