Flashback to Pre-IF Days

One of my close friends is going to TTC next year and these days when she plans future trips, she often adds, "Well, that's if I haven't gotten pregnant by then" or "BUT if I get pregnant before then, it means I have to change my plans."

After reading similar sentences a few times, I felt a tug in my heart. I was made uneasy by that tug 'coz I wasn't sure if it was jealousy/envy or something like that, so I did some soul-searching and realized that it was actually something else.

That type of sentence took me back to my pre-IF days, when we were just starting TTC, when we were still a tad afraid of "losing our freedom" if we had gotten pregnant so easily. I was reminded of a time when I felt that I would be pregnant that very month, when I still often thought about how our child might look like with a hopeful heart and a smile on my face (not with a heart filled with 10% hope, 30% dread that I might get disappointed that month and that would trigger the all-familiar roller-coaster IF storm, 60% doubt that it'll ever happen). I was taken back to the innocent pre-IF days and it made me feel sentimental.


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It reminds me of how much IF has changed me and that I can't go back to my innocent pre-IF days. During my pre-IF days, hope seemed like a flower blossoming so beautifully in summer, enticing me to smell it and bask in its scent and beauty. After facing IF, hope still looks like a blossoming flower, but 'coz I've been pricked over and over by its thorns until I bled so much, I'm afraid of coming too close to it, so I'm just admiring it from afar. It's still there, it's not dead, yet I'm getting too scared of it. During my pre-IF days, I didn't even realize that the flower had thorns. Strange but true...

Anyway, that was the essence of the tug in my heart that I felt when I read my friend's sentence. As usual, it feels great to finally understand what went on when I read her emails. For all its worth, through IF I've met so many other people that I wouldn't have known before. I've also learnt so many things along the way that I wouldn't have learnt before, for example: I know more now than ever that I've picked the right guy to be my husband. So, IF, THANK YOU for having let me understand a world that I never would have understood otherwise.

The World of IF

Had this thought the other day: "The world of IF to others who aren't in it or who have never been in it must've felt like being told about the synopsis of a VERY thick book (or a very long, winding movie) written in a foreign, weird language. The book itself must seem to have such a strange plot and theme that makes it SO hard for them to digest 'coz they only get a glimpse of the it. Thus it's common to hear classic responses or assvices whenever we share our stories to them."

I remember after I've shared some of my ups and downs to my closest friends in emails, one of them admitted that before I had told them about my innermost battles, she had NO clue about this IF world and she was sure that others who never knew or heard about this world also had NO clue and that made them say "the wrong words" to us. She also told me that even after everything I told her, this IF world is still largely unknown, bizarre, too dark to comprehend at times.

I TRULY appreciate her words 'coz they've opened up my mind even more to those who have NEVER even heard anything about this IF world and how crazy it can be to us who are in it. I'm thankful to have close friends who try to understand and who asked me what kind of support I wanted to have (what kind of words I wanted to hear to make me feel supported by them). Though they can't really understand me fully, at least I know they're there for me whenever I need them.


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Why Not Adopt?

Well, in this post I just want to share why we aren't really sure about adoption. First of all, I think we're still hanging on to the hope of "passing our genes" to our kids and we don't know yet when we're going to let go of that hope.

Another thing that makes adoption a bit less of our option is hubby's age. 'Coz of the wonderful social benefits in Finland for mothers-to-be and parents and the fact that education is almost free for kids here, it would be (almost) impossible to find an abandoned baby here. So it means Finnish people (who want to adopt) adopt kids from abroad. I've read online that other countries have different maximum age difference requirements between the adopted baby and the adoptive parents. Hubby turns 40 next year and many countries have set the max. age difference to be 35 years old or at the most 40 years old.

Considering the fact that it takes around 1.5 or 2 years to get an adoptive child, it means we can't get small babies (at the youngest, we'll probably get a 2-year-old)...and 'coz we're not even sure about adoption yet, the longer we wait, the less likely we are to adopt 'coz we both think it's better to adopt younger babies than older children.

So I'm not really sure if we'll ever adopt 'coz of the above reasons...

Another Talk

The other night I had another talk with hubby, just to make sure we were on the same page in our infertility journey. I asked him if he still wanted kids and he said yes. Then I asked if he had ever thought about adoption and he also said yes. I then explained to him a little bit about adoption articles I've read.

Even though it was such a late night conversation, he paid total attention to me. I knew he was tired already and that he had to get up early to work the next day (whereas I didn't have to get up early 'coz I didn't have any work shift the next day), but I felt that he wanted to make sure I was OK. He gave me his full attention and more...he also kept on kissing me, holding me tightly in between our talks...and telling me that he loved me.

I also asked what he felt if we would never have any kids - whether our own or adopted ones. He said it was fine for him, then he asked me what would I feel about that possibility. I said that I had to accept it no matter what, 'coz life with him has been INCREDIBLE anyway.

Feels nice to know we're on the same page...the conversation continued to other fun topics and we were laughing for a while before we finally stopped talking in order to go to sleep.

The conversation also made me feel more strongly what I'd always felt even before we met in real life. I knew he was the one for me no matter how ridiculous it might sound for others 'coz we had no proof of that. Now that we've been together for almost 4 years, I know that for a fact and especially after we started our infertility journey, that fact becomes clearer and clearer like the sun shining in a cloudless sky.

Living for the rest of my life with hubby only is a beautiful prospect, though that doesn't mean I have stopped hoping to have our own babies, but I don't want to focus too much on that. I just want to focus more on the present...on cherishing my time with hubby...'coz we'll never know when death comes to pick us up and I don't want to miss a thing...Love you, bunny...

P.S. To read on why adoption isn't really preferable for us, click here: Why Not Adopt?

A Hole in My Heart

My period started yesterday, so I had nothing else to wait. Today I sent the job application letter that I had been postponing. How did I feel yesterday? A tad sad and disappointed, but the sadness didn't really sting. However, it did remind me of the hole I have in my heart.

While driving back from my in-laws' place, the sun was shining through the trees from the side and I asked God, "Is this Your way of letting me know that You're warming up that hole in my heart? If then, let me bask in the glory of Your warmth..."

Today while browsing through Facebook, I did feel those twinges of "loss" again while looking at my friends' babies' pictures. How fortunate of them to have been able to have SO many precious moments with those little angels! I guess it's pretty normal to feel the loss over and over and over again.

I think one frustrating aspect of IF is that when you feel the loss, you're grieving and it feels as if you were an ungrateful person 'coz after all, there have been SO many other blessings in life. However, those blessings don't cover the hole in the heart, does it? A loss is a loss is a loss no matter what. You've gotta give yourself time to grieve.

The longer I live, the more I feel that some wounds can't be fully/totally healed. They're going to haunt you forever. Granted, it gets easier as time goes by and with God's help, you'll learn and master the art of serenity and grace, but that doesn't mean the shadows won't still be there, surprising you with their presence every once in a blue moon.

Yesterday it crossed my mind that perhaps it would have been "nice" if I could just sterilize myself and "get over with it". No more mind games. No more unexpected rides on the roller-coaster IF. But then again I realize that I still haven't totally given up yet. Not yet. I guess only time will let me give up on my own as I grow too old to have our own kids.

Well, the good news is that my logic's still going strong. Yesterday I felt a relief knowing that we can still make plans to go visit my parents in Indo next year. Had I gotten pregnant this month, that meant I wouldn't have been able to go back to Indo next year.

But still...I'm going to let myself mourn over the loss of the moments-that-could-have-been-ours: the first tooth, the first step, the first word, and the list goes on...I miss you, my imaginary babies...

Does It Make Any Sense?

Logic versus heart. Maybe that's the conclusion for this upcoming post. After having gotten myself used to the idea of living together with hubby for the rest of our lives, hearing my friends' problems raising their young children makes me think more and more of the positive sides of living childless and I've started thinking that our current life is SO beautiful.

However, after "being unexpectedly thrown back on the wild roller-coaster ride of IF", it seems that my heart still longs to be a mother. I guess it's pretty normal, but it feels weird to have both sides existing inside of me: my logic tells me that we have had SO many more blessings than we could ever have dreamed of, yet my heart is dying to give my husband a child that is his own flesh and blood.

Just yesterday I had a flash of getting a positive HPT and then showing it to him. Crazy, I know! But at least 'coz my logic is still going strong, I'm not really flying on clouds number nine just 'coz my period hasn't started yet. Instead, my logic keeps me tied up to the ground and I think it's good to keep it that way.

Anyway, I just want to record this phase in my IF journey and if someone can relate to this, I hope that person will let me know 'coz I find this phase interesting he he...


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Weird But True

My friend who has PCOS (who was the catalyst of my breakdown last December) has finally given birth to a healthy baby girl. What do I feel about this? PURE JOY!!! Nothing else, THANK GOD!!! I was even able to be there for her during one check-up a week before the baby was born 'coz she was so afraid that they would induce her and I managed to infuse her with positive thoughts. It felt GREAT to be a sounding board for her without any negative thoughts about me, myself, and I.

However, another weird thing has happened again...yeah, my brain has been messing up again with the thought of being pregnant. For some reason even before I got news about my friend's baby's birth, my twisted brain has been "telling me" about that I might get pregnant this month. Crazy, right?

The brain has been telling me that during the 2ww (actually longer than 2ww 'coz my cycle is longer than 30 days) I've been producing so much mucus (more than usual) and my appetite has been over the top, yadda yadda yadda...but now that it's bugging me so much, I can't help but to postpone sending a job application letter 'coz if I am pregnant, then there's no way they'd hire me anyway and I would even reconsider doing this kind of job that I'm about to apply for. I mean, after all it's not THAT easy to get myself pregnant in the first place, so I'm not going to do any physical work that I think may endanger my pregnancy.

You see? Crazy thoughts again...Well, at least this time those thoughts don't come with envy or bitterness towards others. However, I'd sometimes REALLY like to push a stop button so that I can get down from this tiring roller-coaster ride - just as I thought I had stopped riding it, here I go again...

P.S. One time I was tempted to browse through "pregnancy symptoms" again, but I managed to stop myself even before that thought fully developed in my head. Even though I may not be able to stop myself from riding the roller-coaster of hell, I can still control some other things. GO, ME!!!

P.P.S. I think one of the most frustrating parts of infertility is that it doesn't seem as though we could really control ourselves so well - our feelings, our "crazy" thoughts, our obsession...despite our best effort, we still fail...maybe that's one reason why it feels so yucky...