The Question "Why?"

These days at least I've stopped having that question "why" popping out in my brain. My logic tells me that it's a useless question to ask. It's true that while facing IF the unfairness of it all can be really overwhelming at times and whenever someone gets pregnant "easily" or whenever someone close has an "oops" pregnancy or even when another fellow IF gets pregnant "faster", the question will keep on nudging and torturing the wounds.

It's a useless question 'coz I may never know the answer (maybe not in my lifetime, but maybe when I'm face-to-face with God). It's a useless question 'coz it is valid for anyone, even those who aren't facing IF. And when I think of it that way - that anyone else in this whole wide world can be justified to ask that question when that person sees my life or something in my life that they've been wanting but that they haven't got yet - it feels like watching a video clip where a dog is chasing its own short tail. The dog keeps on running and running and running, but to no avail.

I don't want to do that anymore. I quit chasing my own tail 'coz it gets me nowhere. It tires me, it frustrates me, and it makes me become "bitchy" towards other people, including my own hubby. I won't tolerate myself if I do that running-after-my-tail anymore. No more, thank you very much. That's a promise I make to myself.


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P.S. Today I had an enlightenment that has nothing to do with IF, but it really freed me. Before I reached this enlightenment, I'd felt frustrated 'coz I was reactive to some things people said, but now I know why I was that way. I knew it had nothing to do with them and there was something inside me that was causing it, but until today I didn't know what it was. Getting "aha moments" is one of my fave moments in the whole world 'coz I feel like I can see the world more clearly, the air is fresher, and the grass is greener HE HE HE...Yes!!!