Friday, March 15, 2013

Life vs Death

After reading this post and Mali's comment, I began to think of my own experiences. 

Here is what Mali wrote:

"Yes – I find that some pregnancies hurt, and some don’t bother me at all. And it’s not always the way I expect it – pregnancy announcements I thought would be painful were not, and those I thought I’d breeze through hit hard, and yes, hurt."

I can totally relate to that, because in the past there were some announcements*** that didn't really affect me much, but there were some that unexpectedly just made me "double over in pain". I wondered what made me do that, because I was happy for the one(s) who shared the good news. 

Additional note: I think the announcements may not just be limited to pregnancy announcements, but also milestones (a child's graduation, a child's wedding day, a friend's announcing that he/she's gonna be a grandparent, etc.) - but whatever the announcement is, it's the celebration of life. 

In the beginning when we were still TTC I felt totally jealous/envious because I still wished I could have my own babies, but nowadays (when we're no longer expecting children in our future) it's more like their "life" news (the news about the new life that will be brought to earth) reminds me of "death". The death of our dream. Some "life" news stories hit hard because all of a sudden I can see the remnants of our dead dream right in front of me and that's not something I wish to see, but I can't deny what I see on those occasions and so I have to deal with the loss all over again (letting it go once more) so that I can continue to move on with my life (not just stopping/standing on the spot while staring at those remnants).

It's probably the opposite of some news of death that reminds us how precious our life is. Some news of death can be so staggering and jarring that they just stop us in our track to remind us of the most important things on earth. Some news of death reminds us of the fragility of life so much so that it may even shift/change our perspective and goals. 

Now I begin to understand more why "total healing" is impossible for someone like me because of the life/death situation I mentioned here (just like it's impossible to "avoid" news of death), but then again if learning to let go over and over again will help me get even better in that area (read: making it easier for me to let go of things I can't change/get in the future), then so be it!

Additional note (added on Sat, March 16-03-2013): I just want anyone who read this post to know that I did NOT write this post from a place of pain. It was my effort in trying to think logically as to why some pain may still appear in the future despite the fact that we've given up on kids. I want to be realistic. I want to figure out what I felt and why I felt a certain way and what has changed in the way I think/feel about things.

There has been A LOT of healing in my world after infertility and as what Mali and Wolfers said below in the comment section, the pain is MUCH less than before as time goes by (and as I learn more and more to let go over and over and over again - I think even if so much time passes by, if we don't learn to let go over and over again, it still won't bring more and more healing) and nowadays I experience less tumultuous/chaotic whirlwind of emotions compared to what I had experience in the past when I was still harboring some hope of becoming pregnant. 


  1. This is lovely, Amel.

    I don't think total healing is possible - not from infertility or indeed from any major life event. Because we learn and grow and change. And yes sometimes it hurts too, but the hurt lessens, even while the lessons remain.

    1. Hi, Mali!

      Yeah, taking from the examples of others before me (CNBCers), I was wondering why it wasn't possible. Thus this post came about. :-)

      But I totally agree with you about the hurt. It doesn't hurt as much as it was before. I hope those who read this post doesn't think that I don't believe in healing at all, because I do. I was just wondering about why it could still hurt decades from now from a logical POV.

  2. Amel- you nailed it totally- I too think that there's no total healing, either- we had grown up with the dream of having children- and to experience the death (repeatedly)- I don't know how one could even expect the wounds to be healed when repeatedly poked at.
    Although we can live on, as Mali said- hurt lessen, more time passes.

    1. Yep, I agree with you about the hurt, as well. THANKS for the hugs, Julie. :-D


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