Monday, October 17, 2011

Unexpected Stabs

The other day I heard someone say these words about someone else I knew, "If your sister spends some nights in your house later on, brace yourself and just don't take her words too seriously about your household and how you raise your kids and grandchildren. She has no kids, so she doesn't understand. As you know well, she'd give you advice and criticism about your parenting style and about how to deal with your kids and grandchildren."

For some weird reason, when I heard the words "she has no kids", I felt unexpected stabs deep inside me and it took my breath away. (side note: PMS perhaps added its weight to the melancholy I felt)

Why did I feel those stabs? Maybe because it speaks the truth that I don't want to hear - that I'm one of those who have no kids (who once longed to have kids), that I'm one of those who "they think don't understand motherhood and parenting". Maybe because the words make me feel like I'm seeing a HUGE neon sign of "You're not qualified to be in the mommy group" and that hurt 'coz deep down, I do wish I could understand mommyhood better than I do now.

Sometimes I feel helpless when a mommy friend tells me about her dilemmas with her child/children and I just don't know what to say. I can't even make her feel "better" by saying that "It's just a phase. I've been there, done that. It's gonna get better, trust me." I'd LOVE to be able to help her more, but I can't because I'm not a mommy.

Maybe now I need to grieve the loss of mommyhood. I've gotten over the idea of our future with kids, but I think in a twisted way (as though kids and mommyhood were two separate entities) I still long to understand mommyhood and I need to let it go...may heaven help me...let the healing process begin once more...

Additional thought: Hmmm...maybe it wasn't so much having to grieve over the loss of mommyhood as to the fact that those words felt like a loud remembrance of the loss. Maybe that was more like the reason why it hurt.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Baby Talk

*cross-posted with my other blog*

One of the things I dreaded when I went to Indo the other month was who was going to come up with the "baby talk". I dreaded that 'coz I would never know how to deal with them: do I tell them the truth or do I just smile and say nothing? The truth would be too complicated to tell, but I did tell "the truth" to one person who finally mentioned "baby talk".

One neighbour, upon seeing us walk outside the house, said, "Going out? Hurry and make some babies!"

I stopped, smiled and said, "It's OK even if we'll never have babies."

You should've seen her face!!! She didn't see that coming! With a shocked look on her face, she quickly said, "DON'T SAY THAT!!!!! I'm gonna pray for you so that you'll have kids."

Deep inside I was sighing and rolling my eyes, but to her I just smiled and said, "Why, THANK YOU for your prayers."

Why is it so hard for people to understand that we're OK even though we have no babies? It seems that THEY are the ones who want US to have babies more than we do. Don't get me wrong, though, I DO appreciate them and I DO understand their wish for us, but why can't they understand that it may not be what we want anymore? It almost makes us feel that we're not "complete human beings" without kids in our life.

FYI, two relatives hugged me upon saying goodbye, rubbed my belly, and whispered, "I'm praying for you to have babies."

OK, that's all good...but my cynical mind thinks, "If God says no, no matter how many times you pray, you won't see the result that you're wishing for." That's why I asked my closest friends for God's peace beyond understanding instead of asking them to pray for us to have kids.

One close friend told me, "You shouldn't have said that to the neighbour. You should've just smiled and said nothing."

Maybe she's right. I begin to feel that there's no use trying to make them understand our situation anyway. Oh well...