Monday, August 18, 2014

Late Night Inspiration

Last night I went to bed early because I had an early shift this morning. Alas, I woke up 5 hours later to pee and then couldn't go back to sleep. Thoughts and songs kept on running through my head, but among those thoughts there was this strong idea that kept on begging me to write it down.

So that was what I did after work and after that I took a 3-hour nap ha ha...The perks of not having children! :-D I've shared this in FB as well just in case someone else needs it. As usual, click to view a bigger size.


Sunday, August 10, 2014

Get Over vs Get Through

Been thinking about healing in general lately. The other day I found this brilliant quote that I think sums up what I believe in terms of my healing journey (don't know who wrote the words):

"You won't get over this, but you will get through it."

The phrase "getting over" makes me feel like one needs to put an end to something. Close the book and forget about it already, why bring it up over and over again? I can't believe you're still writing the book and talking about the details after all this time.

I've never had anyone tell me per se to get over infertility, but I have felt some subliminal messages that I shouldn't keep talking about infertility-related issues. Maybe because it makes them feel awkward and helpless, not necessarily because they don't want to listen to me. 

Just like what Jean Vanier wrote: "As we approach people in pain, they reveal to us our pain and brokenness." - A Rebel for Peace, page 134-135

I still think it may be possible to get over infertility (specifically childless-not-by-choice) for some rare individuals. I've read several people who wrote that their infertility didn't have any impact on them (or not anymore at the very least). OK, granted I have no idea if they were telling the truth or not because they were just comments I read online below some infertility articles/blog posts, but I'd rather be open to that possibility considering the fact that I've read a similar message more than twice. 

I remember my close friends' reaction years back when I first called myself an infertile (it was right after a year of TTC with no result). Their reaction was so strong that I felt as though I was jinxing myself by using that term to describe myself, even though at that time it was merely a clinical term I attributed to myself (I was still in denial at that time and the feelings of becoming an infertility victim only came a few months later if I remember correctly). 

I checked out the meanings of "getting through" in an online dictionary and here are two descriptions that I think are suitable for my own journey:

1. Become clear or enter one's consciousness or emotions/to make someone (i.e. myself) understand something.

I have gained much more clarity about myself and I've learnt more about others as well during my infertility journey because I've had to face those jumbled feelings and thoughts and figure out which is which. I've had to stand naked in front of myself and God as well and learn that we're all connected and that we're only humans. I've had to cling to a very thin thread of faith even when my whole being is in a confused and angry state and I've been granted peace beyond understanding as a result of many people's prayers for me.

2. Succeed in reaching a real or abstract destination after overcoming problems. 

The abstract destination is to find meaning(s) to my infertility journey, to feel some serenity in chaos - even if it means we'll never have children.

It's been a while since I've stopped thinking about when I'll get over infertility, because I have consciously chosen not to get over it. Why should I get over it? Infertility has shaped me in many unexpected ways and it has taught me many important lessons and I don't want to forget that I'm an infertile. Besides, I think my infertility journey is beneficial for others, too. And this way I can focus more on the lessons I can/need to learn as I continue my healing journey without the additional burden of having to reach a specific end.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

That Tiny Shift

Tracey Cleantis has moved to her new site and she asked an important question. Go here to read her first post in the new site and her question for her readers. 

Anyway, here is my answer:

"My current chapter is digging into my creative and childlike sides, forgiving others and myself, letting go over and over again (as much as I need to), and flourishing as a human being in my own unique ways."

It was a revelation for me to write those words, because in the past I would definitely have written "as a non-mom" without even thinking twice, but this time my automatic answer came out "as a human being."

HURRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! I'm celebrating this little shift!