Thursday, June 24, 2010

Defensive Front

Today had a chat with a friend. He said that he was going to have a second child next month. I felt HAPPY for him, but when he started asking the typical questions, I felt my defensive front rising up.

As usual, he asked, "When are you going to have a child/children?"

I said, "Go ask God and then tell me about it."

He said, "Hey, I'm not a psychic. How can I know the future?"

I said, "There you go...there's your answer. If you had asked when we would be making a baby, I could answer you, but if you ask me when we're going to actually have one, I can't answer that, can I?"

He said, "OK, let me rephrase then: have you ever thought about wanting to have kids?"

Doh!!! I'm getting tired of this type of question, but I was in a good mood, so I answered him anyway.

I said, "We have been trying for 2 years now with no result."

He asked, "Ah, we also had trouble with our second one. It took us a year and 7 months to get pregnant. We tried to time our intercourse every month to no avail, until eventually we gave up and just as we gave up, we got pregnant that month!"

Yep, the typical insinuation from the good-intentioned people that "if you stop trying, you'll get pregnant".

I simply replied, "Well, we've stopped actively trying already months ago."

And just as prediction, the good-intentioned guy asked, "Have you checked yourselves up?"

I explained to him our decision and then came the usual suggestion, "Why not try insemination or something like that? I know some friends have tried and it works for them."

I was thinking at that time, "Yeah, sure, I know you have good intention and you probably want to tell me not to give up, but you DO NOT KNOW FOR SURE that children are God's plans for us."

I managed to write, "Well, we've just decided that we don't want to try anything else 'coz I know some people who've tried everything, yet nothing works for them."

And sure enough, he continued with a dose of hope, "I'm sure you'll have your own kid(s) someday."

So I voiced my thought in a non-aggressive way, "Well, I've learnt to be thankful with or without kids. Besides, you'll never know if God really wants us to have kids or not, right?"

He finally said, "Yes, you're right. God's plans are always the best and His help never comes late nor early."

Yeah, yeah, can we change the subject now, please? was what I had in mind at that time. At least he didn't start asking the other typical question: "Why don't you adopt?" Then I'd definitely blew up ha ha ha...

It seems to me that good-intentioned people want to:

a. Know if we really do want kids or not.
b. If we do want kids and we have tried for a while without any result, then they would give us different pieces of advice on what to do.
c. If we have decided not to try anything or we've tried many things with no result, then they'd ask why we don't just adopt. ---> and it really amazes me that those people who have NEVER really had to even think about adoption are the ones who usually ask this question.
d. Then they'd usually end with a good dose of hope and or Biblical quotes: I'm sure you'll have kids someday, just think positively...yadda yadda yadda...

Phew!!! Well, pardon me for having a defensive front. I'm having my PMS right now and I just need to vent. It was good enough that I could control myself and not use capitals in my replies to him or growl in text he he he...

Anyway, on a positive note, I feel HAPPY that I manage not to kill any of my plant babies so far (thus proving it wrong that I'm a plant killer)...and hope that flowers will bloom sometime next month...

A pic of my babies in our garden:

Sunday, June 6, 2010

My Hope

I miss the daycare kids, especially the ones who were closer to me than the others. I find myself reliving all the wonderful memories I've had with them. Well, one good thing is that the teacher told me I could come and visit them if I feel bored at home. So I can always visit them sometime later, though it won't be the same, but still...

Just now I have this voice in my head saying these words:

"My hope doesn't lie in the thought/belief that I will have my own children someday. My hope lies in the knowledge and belief that He will sustain me no matter what. His grace is sufficient and it is beyond understanding. My hope lies in the knowledge that He cares and He knows my feelings and He can and has healed my bleeding wounds and if there are other bleeding wounds in the future, He can and will heal them."

And that is enough for me, even if no kid will ever be my own.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

A Nice Farewell

Yesterday I said goodbye to the kids at the daycare and THANK GOD I didn't shed any tears. They made me a farewell card and the teacher gave me a little gift and we hugged and she told me to come by anytime I felt bored at home.

I'm glad that I could let go peacefully. It helped A LOT that I had had my period a few days before the farewell day and that the kids who were closest to me weren't there that day - some of them have started their summer holiday with their parents.

Right now my future is a complete sheet of blank paper. Because I can't do this type of training anymore, my choices are starting my own business, going back to school (or more like applying to go back to school next month if they are still accepting students to enroll), or try to find a job. However, I'm NOT going to think about anything yet 'coz I just want to enjoy the present. I want to just enjoy summer and do a major clean-up of the house as well as learn how to plant seeds.

Anyway, speaking of infertility, I think I haven't written about this one negative thought that occurred when I was so down while battling infertility. Due to the fact that I was so bad at taking care of some cactus that my MIL gave me, my brain attacked me with this thought: "Just look at how incapable you are at taking care of the cactus. No wonder God hasn't given you any kids 'coz you're not even able to take care of the kind of plant which is supposed to be easy to take care of."

Yeah, extreme self-blame as an effort to understand the whys and the wherefores. I'm glad I've stopped asking why. The quest to find out the answer(s) of that question is an impossible one.

Right now I'm just savoring all the memories I've had with the kids at the daycare. Goodbye is a natural phase of life - sometimes it's a forced occasion, sometimes not. I'm just going with the flow, trying to enjoy each season of life as best as I can.