Tuesday, February 25, 2014

The Baby Is Born

The close friend's baby that prompted me to write these posts Mellow Mood and Funeral of a Dream has been born. It helped to know that she gave us proper hints (she had been active in FB and then all of a sudden one day there was nothing) and then told us (her inner circle) first in a group email along with some photos of her baby before she announced the birth in FB.

I was HAPPY for her, but also couldn't help feeling a bit jealous. After all, this is the first biracial baby in my inner circle and it was DIFFICULT not to have any thought of "this could have been ours". I couldn't help staring at the cute baby photos on the first day. More than three times a day. On purpose. Maybe I'm masochistic (a part of me is suspicious that I did that to gauge just how much I'd react) he he he he...that day I was also thinking of the fact that maybe my jealousy had more to do with the illusion that "some people just seem to have it all - and seemingly so easily" instead of being jealous directly at her and her baby.

What truly helped me that day of the announcement was when another mother in my inner circle sent me a private email, asking me how I was doing. She was truly concerned about my well being after reading the easy birth story as well as seeing the cute baby photos. That really made my day! She's the BEST mommy friend I've ever had and I thanked her profusely because I was just so touched. :-)

Anyway, it's already a week ago when the baby was born and my feelings are more stable. If this had happened three years ago, I probably would have deactivated my FB account (or at least hide her posts and I had a feeling I may even have asked her not to tell me details about the baby or anything) because I was still bleeding inside. So I still believe in this theory

I'm further away in my healing now that I am able to read and see her photos without wanting to hide them, though that doesn't mean I want to see/hold the baby in real life yet (thankfully they live far away from here). If I had been invited to the baby shower, I'm not sure I would have been strong enough to come, but then again I wouldn't know for sure because I've never been to a baby shower in my entire life (it's not a common thing to do in Indo). Usually in Indo people just storm to the hospital soon after the baby's born to bring presents. But anyway, glad that the option was taken off my hand (the inability to attend the baby shower), though I have seen the baby shower photos. 

I started looking for a baby gift a few days ago. Our inner circle of friends have this habit of giving something for the firstborn. There are only two of us who have a second child and due to circumstances only the firstborns got something from all of us together as a group. After getting some idea on what to give this baby, it hit me that maybe the others in my inner circle want to join in and they did, though one of us will probably send a different gift for her, but the rest of us is going to join me. I've already sent them two choices and they've already finished voting. Now all I have to do is order it sometime this week. :-) 

I felt excited whilst browsing for a baby gift. The only thing I had to focus on was thinking that I'd love to get a baby gift myself if this had been my firstborn baby. This thought really helps me focus on this baby instead of my infertility (plus my word of the year "disentangle" has been helpful, too).

I won't deny the fact that there may be tender moments later on during the course of this baby's life (and I won't deny my need to grieve whenever it appears or to limit myself to her posts/photos in the future if I need to), but I'm gonna give myself a pat on the back for being able to give a space for her happiness in my heart. It's like a twisted way of giving myself a space for this kind of happiness if I were able to have a child. Or maybe a better way of saying it is that I'm giving my alternate self a space for this kind of happiness in an alternate universe. 

Source: here

Thursday, February 13, 2014

To My Baby

Someone in the Ghost Orchid Women community told me about this poem and I LOVE it so much that I thought I'd share it here...

To My Baby 
by Bob Neudorf

Is it proper to cry
For a baby too small
For a coffin?
Yes, I think it is.
Does Jesus have
My too-small baby
In His tender arms?
Yes, I think He does.
There is so much I do not know
About you—my child—He, she? quiet or restless?
Will I recognize
Someone I knew so little about,
Yet loved so much?
Yes, I think I will.
Ah, sweet, small child,
Can I say
That loving you is like loving God?
Loving—yet not seeing,
Holding—yet not touching,
Caressing—yet separated by the chasm of time.
No tombstone marks your sojourn,
And only God recorded your name.
The banquet was not canceled,
Just moved. Just moved.
Yet a tear remains
Where a baby should have been.